Monday, December 16, 2013

The Worst of Week Fifteen Vol.VII

I would have hired Mr. Fuji to manage me over this nerd but whatever.
We are balls deep in the holiday season at the moment and for jerks like me, we're sick of it.  I am pleased to see that Home Alone is getting more traction as the holiday treasure that it is.  Apparently, AMC is playing the shit out of that classic.  If Buzz isn't the best movie villain ever then I don't know who is.  Here is something that I don't get though: Elf on the Shelf.  What is this?  When did this start?  You see this popping up everywhere on Facebook these days and I have no idea what it means.  I'll just assume that it's dumb and I hate it.  If anyone knows what Elf on the Shelf, please share because I'm sure as hell not looking it up.  Let's get going with the Worst of Week 15 and hope that G$'s two semi-final match-ups are trending in his favor!  UPDATE: It's looking like a bloodbath and that ain't cool.

Not me on the lanes - Went bowling for Z's birthday on Saturday night.  I had the highest overall score and broke 160 in two of three games with my legendary straight ball.  They don't call me Admiral ELITE for nothing folks.

Buddy Ryan - I watched that Football Life on the 1993 Houston Oilers this week.  Man, Buddy was such a cocksucker.  Ernest Givins should have punched his lights out.  Kevin Gilbride would have beat Buddy's ass.  I miss the Oilers.  BRING THEM BACK.  For as dysfunctional as this year's Skins team is, they've got nothing on that Oilers team.

Tom Brady - "Plenty of shitty plays" was the reason why the Patriots lost in Miami yesterday and now are looking at not getting a bye let alone the one seed.  Way to throw everyone else under the bus.  So he's not allowed to audible?

Joe Haden - Died on the field after getting abused all game by the terrific Bears receivers.  At least he still has that game against Calvin Johnson.  It was good to see my boy, The Cat, shake off the rust and look solid.  I don't want some sort of controversy with him and Todd Collins Junior anymore.

T-Rich H8RZ - Over 100 total yards and a touchdown!  COLTS WIN THE TRADE!  The Colts are going to get crushed by the Chiefs in the first round of the playoffs.  Unless they hire Andy Dwyer OBVZ.

Chip Kelly - Even with no decent RBs, I had a good feeling that the Eagles were do to shit all over themselves.  And boy did they!  Matt Cassel had nearly 400 yards and Asiago Cheese scored thrice for the final win in the Metrodome.  I don't care.  NICK FOLES STILL BLOWS.

ELITE Manning - The last QB to throw 0 touchdowns with five interceptions and less than 200 yards passing?  Mark "El Shitbox" Sanchez!  Eli fucking sucks.  Tom Coughlin crushing his team in the postgame for quitting was very amusing.  I find it hard to believe that anyone was trying though.

Kyle Shanahan - He seems to think that he didn't get his current job because of his dad.  OK.  I'm glad to hear that you will be pursuing other jobs in the offseason because I've seen enough of your garbage shit-ass play-calling.

Mike Shanahan - Now, I was fine with The Hokester going for two against Ohio.  I was NOT OK with the Redskins doing it yesterday.  I get that we're 3-10 but so is the goddamn team you are playing.  Why are you worried about going to overtime against them?  That was really dumb but it's nice to see that Mike is upping the ante in this week's effort to get fired.  He was simply just tired of coaching in that game and wanted to get it over with.  I hate Mike Shanahan.  We turned the ball over six times (thank AlfMo and Santana!) and probably should have won.  What a season!  I am so sick and tired of this fucking circus.  I'm glad that Cousins played well because he deserves to get out of this landfill of an organization.

Rob Ryan - Is there a more Rob Ryan story than leaving his job interview in STL to get a few Big Macs and then never showing back up again?  This family gives no fucks.

Everyone who is not Jamaal Charles - Wow.  It's not often to see a RB get stuffed for 20 yards rushing to the goddamn Raiders but then say NBD, I got this.  Charles is the TROOF.  MVP?  Don't answer that because no one cares about football awards.

Fitzmagic! - Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard.  People forget this.  Only this bearded homo could lead an insane comeback and then shit out a loss just as quickly in overtime.  We need to get to this though...

TONY ROMO - Holy shit!  He just keeps getting better and better with his chokes.  I'm sure that dumb fucks like Colin T will blame the receiver or whatever today but the common denominator to ALL of these chokes is one man.  T-BONE!   Two interceptions in the last three minutes at home to a garbage team!  This could be the best Romonobyl yet.  Dallas choking in December is more consistent on the calendar than Christmas.  And I fucking LOVE IT.  Can't get enough of this.  Dallas is in DC next Sunday.  SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE!!!

FANTASY! -  Well, unless Megatron and Pitta combine for negative billion points tonight, I will not execute the coveted three-peat in the LFL.  Lange put up a monster like Mike McD at KGB's place and I got killed because Drew Brees sucked dicks.  I want to wish him well because he beat the best but he cheated to get here so I won't.  You see, we have two handicapped owners in the league and Lange fleeced them both in trades earlier this year.  He picks on the mentally challenged.  That's why I'm rooting for Jeff to win the LFL title next week while I kill Dut for third.  In the MSFL, I SHOULD be OK to make the Super Bowl unless my Bengals do nothing and Tron kills that idiot who called him old.  Again, I SHOULD be OK to face Lil Strut for the Super Bowl there.  We'll see.

That was a good day of football.  What we haven't mentioned yet is that there is a ZERO chance that the Broncos win the Super Bowl this year.  NONE.  I would bet on the Jags to win it all over Denver.  They may win one cold game, but they won't win three.  Just as a reminder, I can not wait to see next week's Cowboys/Redskins game.  First guy to not DERP should get benched on sight.  What's the record for most turnovers in a game?  HAIL!  FUCK DALLAS AKA The Brady of the NFL!

48 comments:

Grumpy said...

Doesn't matter what Colin says; Garrett already said it's Romo's fault.

Did you see those two Browns DB's? ELITE cover skills.

Anonymous said...

Elf on the Shelf is ELITE... for my 8 year old daughter. Something about flying to Santa every night to report on her actions and he's supposed to set up somewhere new in the house every day. She was crushed the one night I forgot to move him.

First year I've ever heard of it.

Chad

The Iceman said...

All I've heard about this elf of a shelf bullshit is you put these plastic elves in your house then make a big fucking mess to make it look like they came to life and did it themselves. Then your kids wig out when they see it. Sounds really dumb to me.

Well boys. I certainly did NOT dominate in fantasy football this year. I'm man enough to admit that this is the first year in a long time I will be getting shut out of the money in every single league I'm in. That would be 8. Also not afraid to admit that I'm a degenerate gambler. The nice thing about hitting fantasy rock bottom is that there's nowhere to go but up.

For a second there it looked like the Bears made a huge error in starting Catler over Dolph McCown. Then the real Browns showed up in the 2nd half. I missed the whole 4th and wasn't even mad.

Romo's collapse last night was absolutely glorious. And I couldn't care less about the Cowboys! So I can just imagine what fans of division rivals are feeling.

Grumpy said...

Kevin Huber, your dentist in on Line !.

Nate said...

Glad to see Mike Nugent getting some reps at punter last night.

That hit on Huber was mighty impressive.

Anonymous said...

Going to need Megatron to go HAM tonight. Never have I cared more for a Lions/Ravens game. The last time someone called him out, feelings got hurt, let's go for a repeat!

Drew, grats on beating K-Dawg, but Charles ain't putting up those numbers against me next week, bruh.

LOLRomo. I was cheering hard for the Packers, because that choke was a special kind of bad. Let's not forget, that there were a couple other picks that should have happened as well that were called back.

Ide

GMoney said...

If you aren't rooting against the Cowboys then you aren't American.

Ide, Megatron needs 40.5 points tonight and I am absolutely TERRIFIED. If he gets it, I will personally lynch Matt Elam.

Seems to me like Elf on a Shelf just proves that kids are dumb.

GMoney said...

By the way, thanks central Ohio for not driving in this treacherous one inch of snow we got overnight. Nothing like a 75 minute drive that usually takes ten minutes! At least I got to hear Cris Carter, Jaws, Ditka, AND really smart Jameis Winston talk!

Anonymous said...

Romo's plan of CONSTANTLY THROWING to Dez was really frustrating. Especially, when he connected for like 5 straight plays. I was shouting at the television. Ball control with Black name Murray would have won games.

Special LOLZ to Seal today. If you go to the Dean Smiff center, you best be D2 if you want to get a win. Oh and tell Julius Randle to stop being a faggot ballhog who can't control the ball.

Seems like a good time to remind people that Iceman bet me ribs on records with UM/OSU. I'll take a full rack, with some extra sides.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Wait? How is it a terrible loss for UK, losing to a ranked team on the road, who has now beaten Michigan State, Louisville, and Kentucky?

UK had no shot at that game... and if you actually watched you should know why. Hence why before the game I said bet big on UNC.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Oh and I have just been waiting for one of you stupid fucking buckeye fans to start talking shit about hoops... talk to me after January 7th, which is the first day of the season when you finally play a good team. You have the biggest pussy schedule of any team in the top 25 right now. Lets admire this "gauntlet" of non-conference games you have this year:
Morgan State
Ohio
Marquette
American University
Wyoming
North Florida
Maryland
Central Connecticut State
Bryant University
North Dakota State
Delaware
Notre Dame
Louisiana-Monroe

Yikes. Watch out. My favorite is the part where there were some great games last week, top talent playing each other, you guys played Bryant University.

You wont sniff the final four this year.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Where did I say it was terrible? I did insinuate that Randle was terrible; he was. But, I pointed out, with great relish, that one of my two alma maters stuck it to you.

That was, incidentally, the same floor that Belmont beat UNC on. So going by the ever scientific laws of transitive properties in sports, you guys are worse than Belmont.

Your fab five is seriously OVERRATED, however.

Ide

Prime99 said...

The Cat is back! Best 4th quarter QBR in the NFL? You got it. I'm not sure why there is a contingent of Bears fans that want a 34 year old former high school assistant coach that lost to the Vikings two weeks ago over a franchise guy? I'm good with starting to get a plan together getting young QB to take over for Cutler in 3-4 years, but McCown ain't the guy.

MSFL was a nightmare. LS jacked my shit up with his RBs. Jimmy Graham picked a great time to disappear.

Anonymous said...

No one is harping on how good OSU is. We are doing what we should be doing with a shit schedule and that is winning. Since all of you slapdicks want to lose games, we will rise up in rankings. I think 2 is a laugh, but, we haven't lost yet, so that's where we go.

That said, we are playing really good ball, albeit against shitty teams. Our FG percentage is through the roof and we have, what, 5 or 6 straight games with over 50% shooting? Even against shit competition, that is hard to pull off.

And if we do win out until Jan 7th, that makes us 15-0 going into the meat of our schedule. I'll be happy to have that.

Pair that with UNC who loses to UAB and Belmont then shits all over the chests of top 10 (or 11, UK) talent like its their job.

Ide

Anonymous said...

No one is harping on how good OSU is. We are doing what we should be doing with a shit schedule and that is winning. Since all of you slapdicks want to lose games, we will rise up in rankings. I think 2 is a laugh, but, we haven't lost yet, so that's where we go.

Thank you for saying this... as you arent as stupid as most Buckeyes around here. You get it and are absolutely right in saying this.

And UK is working once again off complete young and raw talent. Its completely on Cal that our offense looks stagnant and boring with so many great athletes on the floor.

Our defense (which wasnt great against UNC) will only get better. And the very good teams are playing now will only help make us better and be more prepared come March.

We are a 7 loss team and will still be tough come March.

Seal

GMoney said...

Bryant is coached by former Ohio head and Clint Howard look-alike, Tim O'Shea! He might be the worst coach in the history of the MAC.

I can't believe that I forgot to talk about how ELITE it was for Dez to just walk off the field in disgust. I'll take that over him screaming about Aunt Jemima on the sideline any day.

Edwin Baker is the savior.

Anonymous said...

I would have beat you without those trades.... My elite use of the waiver wire points by Phil Dawson, San Fran D, Foles, Stacy, and Mr. Ace Sanders would have beaten your team.

Are the Browns going to be a contender next year after drafting a QB..... I say yes because that division is the worst.

Lions by 17 tonight.

----Lange

GMoney said...

Lange, maybe next year you will show up to your own draft, you carp eater.

Count it.

Anonymous said...

Where did this carp bologna start?

Oh not only will I show up.... This draft will be an event.... All day. Get your golf swing down.

Anonymous said...

Ide...I haven't won yet. I've got Stafford vs. Marlon Brown and the Ravens kicker. I probably should win...but, nobody has any clue whether the Good Lions or Shitty Lions will show up tonight...it's a coin flip each week.

Romo is funny.

Going for 2 was funnier.

It would have been funny if hte Buckeyes were # 1 this week, but Michigan decided to choke that game away. Basketball rankings are indeed silly this time of year. That being said...Slow Seal..it's best that Kentucky gets these tough games right now, since the SEC is a train wreck of a basketball conference. While the Buckeyes will be going through the gauntlet of the B1G....Kentucky's gonna be playing cream puffs not named Florida. I do wish our non-conference schedule was tougher. But, we are 1-0 against top 25 teams...while Kentucky is 0-3.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Sorry bud, but Marquette is not a top 25 team...

While the 0-3 record against top 25 is not good, none of those games have been at home. The home game in two weeks against Louisville should be very telling. If UK loses, they arent a top tier threat. Winning on the road in college hoops is incredibly tough.

Seal

GMoney said...

Since Ide likes to shoe-horn in College hoops talk constantly (which is fine because it's better than his usual anti-semetic tripe), Arizona is really fucking good.

Drool, when you are modeling your coaching style after The Hokester, you should probably be fired on the spot Kiffin-style.

PK thinks that the Browns should give up the Colts first rounder for Cousins. I'M ALL IN! We all know that Cousins can not be stopped inside The Factory of Sadness.

Anonymous said...

Sorry bud, but Marquette was most definitely a top 25 team...and the way they do that is it's when you played them. You want to talk about road vs. home...Marquette also had the longest home winning streak in the nation.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$...Agreed on 'Zona. They are really, really good...most impressive team that I've seen in college basketball this year. They can shoot...athletic...and they got that LENGTH.

Anonymous said...

Just wait until we play Wisconsin, then I can tie in both college ball and anti-semitism!

Ide

The Iceman said...

I'd like to see where I bet ribs, Ide. I'm not saying I did and I'm not saying I didn't. I'm just saying Ide is a notorious liar. The Notorious L.I.E.

Cakes would love another Spartan QB to fall head over heels in love with. Me, on the other hand, really want the Browns to trade back into the first round to draft a 3rd round talent QB again. That's the shit that I live for.

The Iceman said...

Speaking of liars. Stop being a liar and join twitter already, G$!!

Anonymous said...

Raekwon McMillan to OSU. Suck a dick Saban! My recruiting boner is is throbbing right now!

Iceman...good point...G$ get on twitter.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Whatever makes you feel better about your poop schedule bud. Oh and we are talking about part of the schedule that your school CHOOSES to play...

Seal

GMoney said...

Easy there, Richie Incognitos. Perhaps an announcement on that will be made during The Commies. I'm pulling an Ide and lying. I WILL NEVER JOIN MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I can't wait to see what this McMillan kid can do once Luke Fickell gets his hands on him. O-H!

The fuck is LENGTH? Is it the same as LEMPH?

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal....EXACTLY. As I said...I really do wish we had a better non-conference schedule...not proud of it. But, due to your horrid SEC schedule...it probably was smart to play a couple tough non-conference games. While, the OSU staff decided that due to the rugged B1G schedule...it will more than make up for the lack of games against good non-conference opponents.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Eagles D was living on the edge the last month. Just didn't think Matt fucking Cassel would be the one to stick it in us. And really thought our team speed in a dome would be elite. Guess not.

But oh well because fuck them Cowboys. Tony Romo forever.

Michigan is racking up quality losses at a staggering pace. That is a real category right? M really pissed that one away. But as I said on Twitter, the Lemph, Stremph and Skillz of this AZ is probably the worst match up in the nation for us and we more than held our own. Hopefully GR3 can play the rest of the year like he did in the first half. We b aight. WE ON.

And I told you Breesus was ass on the road.

Denard fumbling at the goal line going for his first TD was pretty LOLZ worthy as well.

GMoney said...

You told me good indeed. Fortunately, I was already losing by a billion at that point so it didn't matter.

I forgot about Denard. HE ON! I also loved it when Ace Sanders scored and the announcers as well as Scott Hanson said it was Denard for a few minutes. All black people with dreads are criminals, amirite?

I don't think that people respect enough what Romo gives us every holiday season. Jerry needs to name Jason Garrett coach for life.

Prime99 said...

It's funny that people were freaking out about the Cutler/McCown thing and with the Bears win and the Romolicious implosion, I haven't heard anything about the Bears QB controversy. Cutler should send Romo a fruit basket.

The NY Giants are hilarious. Actually, the NFC East is a very LULZ division as a whole.

Mr. Ace said...

Prime, the NFC North is equally LULZ. Just less story lines because nobody gives a shit about that division.

If Raekwon McMillan isn't nicknamed The Chef he will be a bust. TRUST.

The Iceman said...

So it's settled. Peyton > Eli.

I'll just assume by Ide's silence that his quest to produce the statement where I bet ribs on Ohio vs. Michigan record this year was a bust. Just another notch on the Ol' lie post.

GMoney said...

I watched the Broncos and the Giants this weekend. They both suck and throw worse than Rex. Sorry, Rex. You deserve their rings.

Anonymous said...

Ape...Raekwon has been nicknamed "Son of God"....because he has a younger brother named Jesus.

--Drew

Grumpy said...

@GMoneyELITE...no avatar.

Anonymous said...

Whoa! Great find Grumpy! I'm now following GMoneyELITE!

Well done Grumps!

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$ is already following pornstars and a male porn star...LOLZ!!!!!

--Drew

Grumpy said...

Looks like he's following webcam "performers". Loves that cam2cam.

GMoney said...

Goddammit. That was supposed to be the big reveal at the end of the awards show. Way to fucking ruin things. Damn right I'm following porn stars. Evan Stone is about to get unfollowed though because he is boring.

GRUMPY IS WORSE THAN CAKES. I saw all of you out there and I held off on making my presence known for a reason. GRUMPY IS WORSE THAN CAKES.

I was allowing myself a "soft opening" to get a little familiar with things before unleashing the dragon in a few days. Guess not because Old Man Skidmark is a cocksucker. YOU RUINED EVERYTHING.

That's it. You're banned.

Mr. Ace said...

I might be a fan of this Raekwon fellow if his younger brothers name were Dirt McGirt.

Hmm...this Twitter account is a spectacular troll job or G$ gay.

GMoney said...

Looks like he's following webcam "performers". Loves that cam2cam.

If I am, that is news to me. Nothing wrong with some erotica in between ELITE comments from The Iron Shiek and PFTCommenter.

Man, did Sheikie have some hot takes on Romo yesterday!

I will never follow Grump for his treason.

Anonymous said...

Takes don't get hotter than Sheik and PFT. Burrito Bros Shits also has some STRONG TAKES as well. I follow Michelle Beadle because she WILL slip up and say where she is out getting hammered, and that's when I make my move.

Following Evan Stone is good hustle, however. I haven't explored the pr0n side of twitter yet.

Ide

Grumpy said...

Shouldn't have announced your Twitter action on another site where we both participate.

Don't shoot the messenger because you're a dumb shit.

GMoney said...

You should know better than to cross me. I WILL be replacing one of your daily 400 pills with cyanide post haste.