Friday, December 13, 2013

The 8th Annual Weisman Award Goes To...

The Legend.
Today, we must give out the most prestigious award that combines both college football and sports blogging. This is the fifth year that we've done this now and I've nailed it on the head each time. You see, this blog has its own version of the Heisman Trophy that we give out. But that award has long since been trademarked by those bastards at the Downtown Athletic Club. So we now officially call this award for college football's best (and most signature) player the "Wiseman Award". It is (obviously) named after Derek Wiseman AKA that weird guy I went to high school with that may or may not have been related to Pickle. I literally have zero to say about him because he added nothing to everything. But I remember him and his last name rhymes with Heisman so here is his 15 minutes of "fame". Past Wiseman Award winners:

2006 - Colt Brennan
2007 - Tim Tebow
2008 - Tim Tebow
2009 - Toby Gerhart
2010 - Cam Newton
2011 – Matt Barkley ROBERT GRIFFIN III
2012 - Manti Te’o

You may notice at some point that I never consistently stick with calling it The Wiseman or The Weisman. That is intentional because old D-Dubs was that forgettable. The spelling of the award has very little to do with the importance so GIVE IT A REST. Anyway, carrying on...

The Heisman voters tend to not give the award to the best player (how Mark Ingram beat out Toby Gerhart, I will never understand). But the Weisman does. After Matt Barkley decided to keep sucking boners in LA over being OVERRATED for the Browns, he was stripped of his Weisman two years ago in favor of someone truly ELITE. We crushed it three years ago with Cammy Cam Cam. We correctly awarded Tebow back-to-back since Navajo Sam shit the bed in his biggest game in 2008. And we ignored Troy Smiff because Colt was an unstoppable force on the football and rape field in 2006. And who could forget the impressive power play by Te’o? Doing the Weisman justice for getting embarrassed mere days after reaching the pinnacle of his life!

We don't look entirely at numbers or wins and losses or schedules, we vote with our eyes. Who is kicking the most ass EVERY WEEK. You can't mail-in games against lesser opponents. You curb-stomp those fags just as hard as you would for your rival. This is why Tebow lost out on a 3rd straight Weisman unfortunately. This is why Terrelle Pryor was never considered (he didn't bring the thunder every week like he should have). Basically, I like to award the Weisman to the player that I will remember the most when I think back about the season. It's time to embrace the best of the best and crown the 2013 Weisman Award winner.

Those who are acknowledged but were ultimately not invited:
AJ McCarron – I don’t respect this guy’s on-field talents nearly as much as I probably should but if you bang Katherine Webb, you’re alright by me.

Jerry Kill – For as weird as this guy looks and as horrible as the inside of his body is, the guy is a really good coach and proved it this year. #KILLSTRONG!

Khalil Mack – I have seen him getting mocked as high as pick #8 in this coming NFL Draft and that is really fucking good for someone who plays at Buffalo. We all got a good taste of his greatness on Opening Day when he was the best player on the field at The Shoe and that is not up for debate. He was just as great all season long. You should have seen what he did to the RedHawks. Oh man!

Andre Williams – Fun FACT: I didn’t watch one minute of Boston College football this year so I’m basing this solely on highlights. Their athletic director is a real piece of shit though.

Tre Mason – I just couldn’t do it because he came on so late in the year. I consulted by WAC RB chart (Wins Above Cakes) and he didn’t fair too well. The dude is awesome in the Auburn system but he wasn’t awesome all year. Just as a reminder, Cakes’ RB Rankings are fucking stupid.

Carlos Hyde and Braxton Miller – It’s hard to dominate every week when you don’t play every week. Like I would invite either of these two future garbage men anyway.

The Invitees:
Myles Jack – As a man who respects the great game of football, my wee-wee got rock hard when it found out that some kid was playing RB AND LB for UCLA this season. I have no idea if this is true, but I heard that Jack was going to be named the offensive and defensive freshman of the year in the Pac-12. ELITE.

Jordan Lynch – I’ll invite you to the ceremony for the second year in a row, MAC Tenor, but I won’t forget that stinkbomb you laid in the championship game that cost the conference a TON of money.
Find that dog.  I want to make him my Executive Vice President.
NIU High-Five Dog – OMG this is the most adorable thing ever. This dog defines MACtion. Can UGA do this? I think not. Bevo is a piece of shit compared this husky.

Johnny Football Manziel – He doesn’t really deserve to be here either but someone has to bring the whores and hard drugs to the after-show party.

Stanford Football – I love this in-site meme of ours. It’s better than “FUCK YOU CAKES” and “GIVE IT A REST” in my opinion. You have to respect a style of football that has never lost and never will.

The 2013 Winner of The Money Shot’s Weisman Award is…
Should I rape Wendy Peffercorn?
Jameis Winston – Big shock, I know. I mean, come on, much like tomorrow night, there is no other choice to make. The kid is so far ahead of the field that he played games blind this season. I should remind everyone that The Wiseman does not give a shit about morals and integrity so since Winston wasn’t charged with anything, he was a runaway winner. The more interesting subplot tomorrow night will be who finishes runner-up because no one really deserves it.

Let’s give a big hand to our 2013 Wiseman Award winner, Mr. Jameis Winston! Enjoy your “Grumpy”! Can he challenge the legendary Timothy Richard Tebow as a repeat winner next year? Will he fall victim to some bizarre scandal next week? Will he say in his Heisman acceptance speech tomorrow, “where all the white women at”? Who knows, but that is another year in the books for the Weisman Award: the most coveted trophy in sports.

Before I get out of here for the weekend, a few quick reminders: Don’t forget to DVR the documentary on Clarett and Tress tomorrow night. I’m guessing that it is a comedy. Fuck Lange and Burke/Ide. Next Friday we will host The Commies featuring the illustrious Commenter of the Year Award. I asked Iceman for his input and, needless to say, this year’s winner will not be unanimous. Peace BRAHS!

34 comments:

GMoney said...

Hey Rick Nash, you like it when we stick it in you? CBJ SON!

After last night's hilarious Broncos DERP, Ide/Burke have almost zero chance of beating me which is nice. Lange got a decent lead but only getting 24 from Mathews and Moreno is less than expected. I will still beat him because I am clean shaven.

Jeff said...

CBJ's new defensive scheme seems to be working, but when the announcers are talking about how Derek MacKenzie used to play goalie and could be thrown in there if need be I get a little nervous. I'm cautiously optimistic about this team. Playing very well right now and being the youngest team in the league only gonna get better especially when Horton, Gaborik, and Bob come back. That Dubi line is tits right now and RyJo is finally playing like the young superstar we thought we drafted.

Don't crush my hopes again, CBJ!

CARRY IT!!

GMoney said...

That McKenna guy was killing me with his love of playing the puck. Stay in the goddamn net! D-Mac between the pipes would be major lulz but I never want to see it.

RyJo = Superstar

Starting to get that vibe again that we are about to take off with or without a capable goalie. As long as we don't play PIT or BOS, we're pretty damn good. Hitchcock's fat ass on Saturday will be a nice test.

CARRY IT!

Anonymous said...

I had tickets, but was tied up with work until too late to make it. Kind of blows, because OF COURSE WE WON.

Ide

GMoney said...

You were too busy updating your Facebook picture and being a general faggot. You are General Faggot. Don't ask, don't tell.

Jeff said...

Ide, you LIE! You were too busy at your photo shoot for a new Facebook profile pic.

I will be defending #NWA tomorrow night!

Jeff said...

The greatest minds think alike at the same time.

Prime99 said...

Stanford Football was robbed! I guess not enough Stanford football was played? I mean, it's unstoppable!

I feel like Weisman is funnier than Wiseman.

I love the suggestion that ide's fuzzy FB photo is the result of a photo shoot. Damn hilarious, Jeff!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I didn't say I was at the office that late. I just didn't leave until 7 (game time), and didn't feel like going to the pit of hell and watching just 2 periods. I decided to get to a happy hour, of which I was made fun of a lot over my facebook picture (osu having lost and the fact its been the same for 5 years), so someone changed it to that when I was in the bathroom. By the time I noticed poopson giving me shit, it was too late to take it down.

Kudos to you jerkoffs.

Ide

GMoney said...

Oh yeah, someone else did it. What man leaves their phone on the table when they go take a huge dump? YOU LIE. YOU DID IT.

Stanford Football came in second because they didn't penetrate enough ladies. High Five Husky came in third. It was a tight race.

Prime99 said...

That is the only downfall to Stanford Football- when playing Stanford Football, one is a model citizen and would only have tons and tons of consensual sex only.

Anonymous said...

I support this year's Weisman. Carlos Hyde should have gotten an invite tho.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Hyde just didn't compute well in the Wins Above Cakes rankings OR the Cakes Above Replacement.

FUCK YOU CAKES

Really looking forward to that 30 For 30 tomorrow which should be 2 hours of scum and villainy.

The Iceman said...

When will the lies stop, Ide? First it's rubbing cock heads with big time movie producers, then it's motor boating Paul Pierce jelly tits in front of Deron Williams. Now this??

Wins Above Cakes could go down as the stat that all players are defined by.

Grumpy said...

The obvious choice, but the correct one. I had never heard of Winston when I stumbled upon his first game at the beginning of the year. I knew from that one game he would be a star and that's before I knew he was blind.

Ide, you need to hit up the $3 Tavern; all drinks are $3. For $6 you can get hammered.

Anonymous said...

Ahhh.....the ole' WAC value ranking. That has tripped up people before.

If you're looking for "scum and villainy" you're gonna be disappointed. From those who have seen it...OSU fans are going to "love" it and it paints Tress and Clarett in very positive lights.

--Drew

GMoney said...

A Mo Clarett puff piece? That should produce some hearty guffaws from this Ohio Buckeye fan!

Grumpy saw superstar after one game! That's why Jameis is holding the Grumpy today, folks!

This award will likely go to Tom Tupa Junior for the next four years.

Ide lies more than Lenny Dykstra. Sweet pocket square, BRAH!

Prime99 said...

Brian Kenny and other stat geeks are going nuts over WAC and CAR. They are the new WAR and BABIP.

The Iceman said...

Time to make your last minute push for Commenter of the Year, dick smacks. Can Prime repeat? Will G$ force me into blogging retirement and give it to Cakes? Will Tonya be the first broad to ever take home this dubious award? So many questions to be answered...

GMoney said...

Raise your hand (if you're SURE! count it) if you are enjoying Braxton Miller absolutely BURYING Urban Meyer's offense in the press.

Dude gone.

To piggyback off of Iceman's remarks, also think about your favorite comments of the year. Next Friday will be ELITE.

Anonymous said...

G$ making up lies about Braxton....not nice.

GOAT comment was my hot takes after I came back from my bet loss.

--Drew

GMoney said...

"We have running backs on scholarship, too."

You don't have to be an expert on strong takes to figure out that the guy is not happy with what they're AXing him to do.

Why don't you go lose another shoot-out, bruh.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ...yeah that's burying...he also talks about being the QB for the best OSU offense in OSU history.

I don't even know what your shoot-out comment means.

--Drew

GMoney said...

It means that the Detroit Red Wings lick butts.

So you think that Miller's comments to that Greenstein guy (not Barry "Charity" Greenstein) were positive? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Dude so gone.

Anonymous said...

I love how one comment means "burying". How Skip Bayless of you!

Red Wings TOTES don't need shootout points to stay ahead of the Poo Jackets.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

Got in touch with an old friend... Chip had a few things to say today:

- Go fuck yourself, Prime! I was commenter of the year last year. Not you!
- Eagles 4 Life! Suck my dick NFC LEAST! Winning that shit with Nick Fucking Foles was easier than Ide making up another fake NYC story to puff up his sad life.
- G$ cheers for his own fantasy teams. Expect zero championships.
- Drooler's best commenting was accomplished the week he was gone. How does Eagles dick taste in the snow?
- Iceman got married? Weird. Assumed he was gay. How did dominating fantasy go this year? Clean the attic, ya bum!
- It sucks having Ape as a fan of my dynasty. He deserves to be a Browns fan.
- RGWeeWee has a Cakes Above Replacement so high he had to be shut down for the good of the league. Gayness that extreme is like a headshot to the league.
- Do I read everyday? Fuck no! I read like I fuck- 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS! RIP P. Walks.
- Nick Saban? Gay.
- Tan Shanny? Gay.
- Oregon? Doesn't play Stanford Football.
- Jerry Jones? MegaGay.
- Merry Christmas, dicks. Enjoy the Eagles impending championship.

---

Chip is a dick.

GMoney said...

Wow. Prime wants to repeat. Chip's takes were ridic strong.

Hey, all I'm saying is that if the kid were happy and wanted to come back, he wouldn't be openly complaining about taking too many hits in this offense.

You throwing shade at the CBJ? Maybe you haven't heard but this team is about to go on a 50 game winning streak. Will probably lose game 51 when they try to play with just RyJo and no one else. And even that is an unlikely loss.

Mr. Ace said...

I will state my case for Commenter of the Year like this;

1. Mississippi Sambos

2. Ide Blows Bi Guys

fin

Anonymous said...

I did coin GIVE IT A REST!

And Im better than all of you. I do ELITE stuff because I don't live in shitty Ohio any longer. And those pictures that came out last night show that excitable jew!

My pocket squares are ELITE. Not as great as the extension cord you rock as a belt, though.

Ide

Grumpy said...

The guy on the end with the beard and glasses? I don't see a yarmulke or Hasidic locks. You look more like a weasly little Jew than he does.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Grumpy that Ide does look very Jew-like.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The yarmulke is there but its black. The locks weren't terribly large. The scarf (black) also barely visible. I've taken up bagels so Im sure some of that old world charm is rubbing off.

GMoney said...

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that someone needs to cut Ide's dick off. Paul Pierce?

The Iceman said...

Either Fat Tits Pierce or that homo black dude that was elbow deep in Ide's poop shoot at the gym.