Friday, December 27, 2013

The 2013 Money Shot Man of the Year Is...

The reason for the season...never forget
We make a big fuss around here about the Commenter of the Year and, while it is very important, it pales in comparison to the award of Money Shot Man of the Year. A Commie is one hell of an achievement and should be celebrated, but being named Money Shot Man of the Year is something that gets you put on dollar bills ya’ll. As this is our fourth crowning ceremony of Man of the Year, we can now officially commission our own Mount Rushmore! What a tourist attraction that would be! You probably would like a refresher on who the prior winners were, right?

2010: Arthur Moats and Corey Wooton – These fine mine combined to rid the football world of Brett Lorenzo Favre. We thought that we would never get rid of him until these legends took matters into their own hands.
2011: Steve Shubin – 2011 was the year of the Fleshlight. It only made sense to honor the inventor. Who wants to bet that Lange doesn’t buy himself a light trophy? Bitch.
2012: G$ - Some saw this as controversial. I did not. This was a Louis Green slam dunk. I had an absolutely ELITE and filthy year. 2013 was not as ELITE unfortunately.

How do we score this, you ask? It’s pretty easy actually. We ask two simple questions which must result in a NO and then a resounding YES.
1. Are you OVERRATED?
2. Are you ELITE?
Now let’s get to this year’s nominees!

Richie Earl – I wrote a post about bullying or injuries earlier in the year and Cakes commented about Mr. Earl from their high school days. I forget all the details except that Richie enjoyed picking on Cakes and knocked him unconscious during gym class or football practice or something. He must have had great pad level. You knock out Cakes and you’re getting nominated for Man of the Year, bruh.

Drew – He won Commenter of the Year so he’s getting an invite to the varsity show. Basically, he’s just getting everyone’s drinks for them with no tip. He is not allowed to talk which means that he has to keep his takes to himself.

The BRAHS – One sad thing about football season is that we don’t get to check in on this site’s favorite brothers that much since they spend so much time grinding tape. The year started off right with John besting Jim in the Super Bowl. If memory serves, John and Jim were named co-MVPs of the game. That was followed up by more hijinks like Jim wearing a gimp suit at Friday’s, ruining The Masters, Jim racing in the Indy 500, a fantasy football draft from Hell, and the formation of CUNT. And going into the final week of the NFL season, both BRAHs are still in the hunt. Just as God intended!

Kevin Ware – I don’t know about you guys, but that was the most disgusting injury that I’ve ever seen. The FACT that it happened against Duke tells me that Coach K had a big hand in Ware’s leg snapping in half. Ware is back playing again although he is just getting about 6 minutes per game and averaging less than 2 points. Still, it’s really cool that he is back playing ball. Kevin Ware is the sentimental nominee.

Aaron Hernandez – Talk about a guy who gets things done! I was prepared to give the nomination of a current NFL player to either Richie Incognito or Riley Cooper but Hernandez just keeps getting better. Oh sure, he has multiple murders to beat but his GF keeps lying to the Feds and witnesses keep on dying long after he’s been incarcerated. The man is still making plays. URBAN MEYER GUY!

That Fan Who Walked On The Court To Get LeBron To Come Back Home – This is a man who takes NBA free agency into his own terrorist hands. We’ve all seen enough of Alonzo Gee. And to the stupid fucking kid who did the same thing for Kyrie and obviously doesn’t understand how restricted free agency works, I hope you die.

PFTCommenter – If you aren’t following this lover of professional football or understand his shtick, then I can’t help you. He is the absolute best thing about the internet right now. The man always plays through the whistle and has the hottest of HOT SPROTS TAEKS.

Mark Dantonio – I mean, come on. He is OBVZ and TOTES the best coach in the B1G and proves it every day of the year. What he lacks in basic human emotion, he makes up for with brilliant game plans and destruction of inferior programs. The rest of the conference better step it up or else they will always be staring up at Sparty. I heard that Michigan State is going to start selling PSLs at The Rose Bowl.

And now…The 2013 Money Shot Man of the Year is…

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford! This guy embodies everything great about life except for being a foreigner which is OK because he clearly loves football/Fred Jackson. Let’s briefly list some of his Man of the Year qualities:
*smoked crack on video
*blamed smoking crack on being too drunk
*addressed the crack allegations while wearing a tie with NFL team logos on it
*denied eating a staffer’s pussy on TV
*claimed he gets enough pussy to eat at home
*is grotesquely fat
*ran over some woman at a city council meeting (ELITE GIF)
*pops up on American radio stations to make NFL picks from time to time
*has no problem with the Redskins name
*likely eats chicken wings at all meals
*cannot be removed from office due to question mark reasons which is just the best thing ever

There was no other choice. This was not a tough decision at all. Rob Ford has earned his spot as Money Shot Man of the Year. Wootton/Moats. Shubin. Money. Ford. Move the fuck over, Ric Flair, because a new Four Horsemen are ready to ride!

31 comments:

Grumpy said...

The best part is that you can use the same picture whether it's G$ or Ford.

Mr. Ace said...

BOOM!

Nate said...

Excellent Halloween costume idea for G$ next year:

Put on fifty pounds and wear a Toronto Argonauts jersey.

GMoney said...

Bros, I would need to pack on at least 100 to get to Ford levels. Does Daniel have an extra Fred Jackson jersey I can borrow?

Nice MACtion last night. Bunch of losers.

Also nice losing = the Cavs at the buzzer again

Grumpy said...

That looks exactly like G$'s expression at halftime of Miami football games.

Prime99 said...

Rob Ford is a nice selection. He does embody all the qualities we enjoy here. It feels like one could get him to do anything for a Weinerschnitzel and a LaBatt's Blue.

Is Aaron Hernandez in the drug cartel from Breaking Bad? He and Tuco (RIP) would probably get along famously. (I'm righting the wrong of not watching that show and I'm almost through Season 3. ELITE show!)

Nate said...

I'm also surprised Little Strut did not get any consideration. I'm sure being named MSMOTY would have gone over well for his campaign. Its OBVZ he wanted it.

GMoney said...

How do you see my halftime face when I'm already driving back to Cbus?

Prime, I think that last year's winners of you and I could take Drew and Rob Ford in a fist fight. Maybe not a wing eating contest though.

LS was not considered. We only respect politicians that excel at all phases of life. Until LS openly talks about oral sex, he's out of the running.

Gave out my first unfollow on Twitter last night. Get fucked, Peter Gammons! When you say things like "what was the world like before Pandora", you serve no purpose for any more.

Prime99 said...

I have to agree in the COTY and MOTY arena: 2012 > 2013

I think Rob Ford could beat me, you and Drooler in a wing eating contest so that isn't a fair measure.

GMoney said...

And Drew would win a salad tossing contest with ease because OBVZ.

Going to the CBJ/Pens game on Sunday (as I mentioned last week)...0-2 this year! Let's make it 0-3!

Anonymous said...

I was ready to cause a scene here over not winning this award...but, this was the perfect choice. I've got nothing on Rob Ford....fucking love that guy. We'll take you two in a tag team wrestling event anywhere and at any time.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Prime, I will ask Shiekie if he wants to support our team. We have balls bubba while Drew has raisin nuts and Paula Deen cheeseburger tits.

Anonymous said...

While working in Canada, there were a few guys from Toronto. None seemed to think Ford was doing anything wrong. The sentiment was if the mayor wants to do blow off a hooker's ass, then more power to him. He is the working man's mayor!

-NC Nate

Prime99 said...

Drew no good piece of shit like Tony Romo.

GMoney said...

I'll tell you one thing: I'm taking Rob Ford any day over that turd Michael Coleman.

Prime99 said...

In the mayor power rankings, KJ is definitely in the top 5.

GMoney said...

Isn't your town bankrupt as all get out?

How do we think Ide is getting along down south? The correct answer is "no one gives a shit".

Prime99 said...

No, Sactown just kept a billionaire from stealing our NBA team and we are building a new downtown arena. We must be super broke to pull that off! You must be thinking of Detroit?

Doesn't your town's economics revolve around a dirty football program?

Anonymous said...

Detroit is building a new downtown arena as well....that has shown that it has absolutely nothing to do with your town's economic standing.

--Drew

GMoney said...

There's money in Columbus. You must be thinking about the rest of the state.

Anyway, who do we like this weekend? The Bears couldn't stop the wing T so methinks that the Packers win and, for some odd reason, I kind of like the Cowboys. The Kyle Orton Express needs to win so that T-Bone Romo will never get any credit and will bathe in feces for the rest of eternity. Plus, they would get slaughtered in the first round. Nice try by Jason Garrett talking all week about how Romo was questionable and then--whoops--he had back surgery yesterday! PRINCETON SON!

Anonymous said...

I think the Eagles will slaughter the Cowboys..I also like the Bears.

--Drew (2013 COY)

Prime99 said...

Not the Drooler jinx!!!!!!!!!!!

GMoney said...

Eddie Lacy might have 300 yards at halftime.

#predictionsdrewmade

I was going to mention this yesterday when Drooler said what his GF's parents got him for Xmas (it was Aaron Craft's anus BTW). How disappointed were they when their daughter brought him home for the first time? I bet that the looks on their faces were the LOLest thing to ever LOL.

Anonymous said...

They were as happy as your wife's parents are that she hasn't procreated with you.

--Drew (2013 COY)

GMoney said...

Oh, I've seen the look. It's delightful.

GMoney said...

It's the same look that Mrs. Prime's folks had when she introduced them to Boogie.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure Mrs. Prime understood due to how much of a bigger penis Boogie has than Prime.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

SLOW SEAL...WHAT GREAT MEMORIES!!!!!

LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!

ESPN Stats & Info ‏@ESPNStatsInfo 3m

On this date in 1964, the Browns won the NFL title to claim Cleveland's last major professional sports championship.

--Drew (2013 COY)

GMoney said...

So we're just going to ignore when (Parma native) Mike "The Miz" Mizanin won the WWE Championship? Typical ESPN/Drooler lies!

Anonymous said...

I predicted this in our college basketball preview day....

Nick Baumgardner ‏@nickbaumgardner 4m

Mitch McGary out indefinitely after electing to have back surgery, per Michigan.

--Drew (COY 2013)

GMoney said...

Jason Garrett says that McGary is day-to-day.