Friday, December 20, 2013

The 2013 Commie Awards!

The Commie!
Men, another year of blog commenting is in the books and the day has arrived to acknowledge and reward the best of the best. Commenting isn’t easy here. It requires FACTS, STREMPH, HOT TAEKS, maybe a few auto correct errors, and consistency. You just can’t hop off the turnip truck and be a force in this corner of the internet. No sir, you’ve got to bring it hard every day and throw the hammer down. Today is a celebration of comments past. I am strangely very excited for today’s post as I think that it will only raise the bar for our beloved comment section.

As a reminder, the inaugural Commenter of the Year was Prime who took home the title last year. He earned it. Unfortunately, there is not going to be a repeat performance this year. I’m sorry. While still consistent, he was a victim of his own successes and just couldn’t surpass his past productivity. A lesser man might blame his son, DeMarcus Jr. AKA Little Boogie, and I will. Being a father of a newborn has to drain some of his daily LULZ. I get it. Good luck to you in the future, Prime. No one will ever take away your Commie.

But there are other awards to give out before we reward the 2013 Commenter of the Year.

The Commie for Rookie of the Year goes to…Burke/Buke! It is always a fairly thin field when it comes to new blood but Burke showed up around March Madness time and has chimed in sporadically ever since. NC Nate made a late season push but he just didn’t get back from Canada early enough to make up the ground necessary for ROY.

The Commie for Smartest Commenter goes to…Li’l Strut/anonymous! You can’t fool us. We know it’s you.

The Commie for Dumbest Commenter goes to …BradyCakes! No one else came close. Go study some more cumulus clouds, homo.  More smarts and poise; less fart noise.  More beef; less queef.  You get the point.

The Lifetime Achievement Commie goes to…Grumpy! Well, it was until he shit all over me Monday and was a goddamn traitor. OK, so I joined Twitter on Saturday. I was going to give myself a little bit of time to familiarize myself with the product so that when it was time to unleash hell, I knew what I was doing. If I wanted it to be known immediately, I would have said something on Monday or started following you harlots last weekend. But Captain Crotch Rot wanted to break hot goss instead. The unveiling of @GMoneyELITE was supposed to be today. It was supposed to be The Commies answer to Miley Cyrus twerking at the VMAs and thus setting the internet on fire and ruining her career. I was going to twerk the shit out of Dutdog. But Grumpy ruined it. He ruined it good. So now I’m going to light his country music award on fire. Anyway, @GMoneyELITE is the place to be.

The Commie for Most Wrong Commenter goes to…Ide! Unless he is talking about race, he is never right. No one ever agrees with him for a reason. Oh, I used to work with a black dude(!) that grew up with Ide. We saw each other at an event a few weeks ago and the conversation went like this.
Guy: So how do you know (Ide)?
G$: Met him through a friend. I like him but he is such a dickhead.
Guy: LOL yep.

Alright, now that all the minor awards have been delivered, it is time for the big dog. Now, I always ask Iceman for his input when it comes to this because he has some pull when it comes to such a major decision for the site. We did not agree. He thinks that Mr. Ace should win. I can see some merit to that but, unfortunately, a former writer is probably ineligible IMO. He then suggested Seal just to piss off everyone. He also mentioned Jeff who is definitely in the running but being a Red Sox, Steelers, AND Ohio fan disqualified him. Finally, Iceman said that if Brady won that he would quit immediately. Don’t worry about that. So who is the 2013 Money Shot Commenter of the Year??
Make sure that you read this...thing
Drew! This may come as a surprise to many but I think that his resume is DROOLSTRONG. First of all, we have #predictionsdrewmade. He had to eat a lot of shit with his Fuckeyes (both hoops and gridiron), Red Wings, AND Tigers all failing. He bet a one week commenting ban on a 7 seed hockey team to beat the Stanley Cup champs and followed through on his trip into exile. He told us how he wanted the nickname Drooler (for some reason). Let’s face it, he has started to agree with me on A LOT of things lately and, if I am one thing, I am vain. And his most important contribution to the cause was suckering me into losing a bet and joining Twitter which is something that I said that I would never do.

2012 was the year of Prime. 2013 was the year of Drew. I look forward to 2014 being the year of Cakes. Congratulations, Drew, you deserved this no matter how controversial this selection may be. If you have the time, please share some of your favorite comments from this past year today. I could use a good LOL. Now raise your almond milks and let’s toast our Commenter of the Year…DREW!

64 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

I really wanted to win just so I could turn down the award and give it to Shooks Son. Thanks for taking that from me. But I agree, my eligibility was used up when you gave me a handy a couple summers ago to fill in.

I have no issue with the pick. I think Drouche bags fandom can make him look like a total tard at times. But that is part of his charm. I like his usage of #FACTS when occasionally destroying his opponents. I am convinced he studies Kentucky Hoops just top murder a Seal comment at any given chance. Drooler saw his mark, and biggest competition for this award, and slowly chipped until Seal deteriorated into the angry Internet commenter he is today. Bravo!

And I would also like to take credit for finding the beautiful pic/portfolio of Drooler.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Iceman, Mr. ace had my vote.

I guess you can't lose them all, right Drooler? Does winning this make up for all the failure teams you support?

Seal

Grumpy said...

Drew deserved it. He's either consistently brilliant or consistently sucking Urbz's balls, but he's consistent and that should be rewarded.

Outing your Twitter account was still ELITE.

Anonymous said...

He went to a Ke$ha concert, brags about doing shots with a Pussycat Doll, AND goes to something called a BROhioGATE.

Oh my

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

I feel like there should have been a Weisman like feel to this. Who got invited to G$'s basement? What order did everybody finish in? How about some Power Rankings?
1. Drooler
2. Seal
3. Ide
4a. Cakes
4b. Jeff
5. Prime
6. MUDawg
7. Grump
8. Anon/LS
9. Dutdog
10. ?

Anonymous said...

WHAT A DAY! I wake up to find out that I am 2013 COY! The year of Drooler! I should replace an animal on Chinese menus! I am the best! I guess this is the part where the BEST thanks everyone in a long speech....so, here it goes...

Generally these start with thanks to Jesus...but, fuck that noise...I'd like to thank Gesus. If it wasn't for G$ creating this universe and inviting all of us into his kingdom, then this would not be possible. He has had to deal with RGIII's sin of homosexuality and atrocious football...but, he's also had a Vezina winner and seen the days of Don Treadwell end. You also got to join the world of twitter. Your year hasn't been all bad. So, thank you Gesus/G$!
Speaking of years not all bad...I'd like to say thanks to Grumpy for staying alive long enough to see this day! There were a few 24 or 48 hour periods where this was questionable...perhaps you were out visiting trees...but, you made it! You got to see me be COY! Your old man advice is a true asset to this board and hopefully some day one of us will listen to it.

Next up is Andre Drummond. I'd like to thank you for being one of my STREMPHY takes of 2013, that I think will net me some good shit talking for years to come. You also will always allow me to hang your successes over the head of The Iceman....
Which I just wanted to say thanks to the Iceman for giving us the story of DUMARS in the side of your head. I feel your Mom must have pictures of this somewhere and that we are missing out on these. Give us those pictures. I hope Brady Hoke continues to fail you next year. LOLZ @ looking back on your post about the Michigan/Notre Dame game. Speaking of complete failures....
SLOW SEAL! I'd like to thank you for your 48 hours of Joe Haden. If there was ever any doubt that I am just levels above you here, you went and just shattered those doubts during those 48 hours and showed just how slow you are. That was epic. I can't think of a single one of my teams that was worse than one of your teams this year...which is pretty standard...but, fun nonetheless. Robert Morris...NEVER FORGET! You sir are the WORST. I am the BEST. Kiss the ring bitch.

Continued with next post....

Anonymous said...

Next up? Thanks to The Detroit Red Wings. Even though you couldn't complete the mission....you almost sent this place into a tailspin by taking the future Stanley Cup Champs to overtime of a Game 7...as a 7 seed. While your loss and my impending board ban was a tough pill to swallow...the irony is that it appears that it also helped end Prime's hold of the belt here! That belt is mine now! Which brings me to Prime....

Thanks to Prime for setting a bar of commenting that had to be reached to become COY. Let's face it...you've got a better chance of one day reaching that goal of charging a $10 cover for your band than you did of a repeat title here. But, I feel you are still regarded as one of the greats. Step your game up next year son.

Who am I forgetting??! This is all too much right now. Oh! Thanks to Ape for in my opinion really leveling out this year. He had a couple Buckeye induced twitter meltdowns this Fall, which is understandable....but, other than that...I think Ape brings a lot of REAL TALK to this place nowadays. He's not throwing out CAKES TAKES....he's spittin' good true and honest real talk. Ape used to be a nemesis of mine...but, now I like him. Soy bean sliders are on me next time...Thanks Ape!

On the opposite spectrum of leveling out....thanks to Cakes for making me feel bi-polar half of the year. Your Cleveland sports idiocy knows no bounds...but, then I have to defend your Buckeye fandom the other half....which I don't really mind doing even tho some of the CAKES TAKES are hard to stick up for. We're adding a bottle of champagne to the weeknight couch drinking bonanza to celebrate this championship!

Oh....thanks to Ide for bringing a whole new section of writing to the comments here. We never had commenter written fiction before, but I think I speak for everyone here that your fictional adventures are always a treat. Every time I see a preview for that new Ben Stiller movie where he day dreams adventures, I think about how that's how you go about your life. Never grow up.

If I forgot anybody, that's a you issue...not my issue. Thanks again to Gesus! The booze is going to taste extra great tonight gentlemen....get ready for 2014....your COY is gonna take it to an even higher level.

--Drew (2013 COY)

Mr. Ace said...

SLOW CLAP

Jeff said...

Speaking of the Vezina. Holy fuck do we need Bob back. Just when I thought our depleted team would steal one in Philly, shit hit the fan. I was typing a tweet about the Jackets meltdown when Philly tied it at 4 and before I could hit send Giroux did his best Gretzky impression and the meltdown was complete. That was prison rape. OUCH

Did Drew get some headphones? Cause Seal has him beat in the winning headphone department.

GMoney said...

Got to admit...those were some strong takes. Ge$u$ is feeling justified in his decision.

If there is one thing that Icema has, it is pictures. There has to be evidence of DUMARS.

For the record, as dumb as BrohioGate is as a name, the event is pretty bananas.

You guys can rank your own commenters. I won't. Except that Ide is last and, I believe, Jeff is still considered the worst.

GMoney said...

Good question. Drooler gets nothing but a fictional Lenin statue and bragging rights. We will regret this.

Jeff said...

And here I thought I was making progress in the worst to first climb. Baseball season really took a toll on you, G$. I beat your ass in your fantasy league and then the Sox win the World Series. If I couldn't make the worst to first climb, I'm glad that the Sox did and knowing that it eats away at your insides is glorious.

Mr. Ace said...

G$ with a WEEK TAEK! on the commenter rankings?

I really like CAKES TAKES. Both when Cakes makes them and that they are referred to as CAKES TAKES.

GMoney said...

Oh SHIT! I forgot to acknowledge one other brave soul.

The Commie for Troll of the Year goes to: YOUR BIGGEST STAN! The FACT that you constantly got under Iceman's skin even though he wouldn't admit it was the best part of my year!

GMoney said...

And I could never give Ape such a coveted award because he shows a severe lack of respeck. He would just give it to one of his gorilla buddies over a plate of oven-roasted cud. It'd be like if Pacman Jones won a Super Bowl. You know damn well that that ring is ending up in a stripper's butthole.

GMoney said...

By the way, any recommendations for who I should follow on Twitter. I have my beat writers, PFTC, Iron Shiek, a sprinkle of adult actresses, and you guys already...am I missing a must follow?

The Iceman said...

Drew lost my vote when he said "/drops mic" a few weeks back. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.

Anonymous said...

BurritoBrosShits and racebaiting Jason Whitlock is good fun. Peter King for constant hilarity as well. DARNELL DOCKETT.

I'm never wrong, by the by. RD saying I'm a dick is pretty fitting, his girlfriend in high school fucking hated me. But, in my defense, she was a pretty big twat. I think I tackled him once in backyard football, then celebrated (that guy ran like a 4.1 40 in middle school, he was African fast) my feat.

Given the amount of Michigan fans here, I feel like there are more people here that are wrong about more things than me. Not to mention Seals UK fandom last season. I'd probably say Iceman is wrong the most between his upcoming ribs payoff and his wedding programs.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

Twitter takes:

I follow a lot of sports handicappers/bettors. Several give out premium picks right before the game starts. Also get good info on late moves by the wise guys.

I follow some pron peeps. And someone who posts vines of ass/tits shaking. Always a pleasant surprise when it pops up on your timeline.

Obvs any of the KSK/Deadspin ppl, which I am sure you follow most.

I follow a bunch of comedians as well.

Bomani Jones is probably my favorite follow. Because of his love of rap music and constant race baiting battles.

Anonymous said...

G$...some good ones....

Darnell Dockett
Rich Eisen
ESPN Stats and Info -- I'm surprised they even have this department due to the network being all HOT TAKES basically.
Rotoworld -- Insert the fantasy sport of the season. Great for updates whenever they happen on injuries, promotions, etc.

--Drew (2013 COY)

Brady said...

Umm, how the fuck am I dumbest commenter of the year when all I do is spit knowledge at yo ass? Jealousy doesn't look good on you, G$. I will be poisoning a drink of yours at this years RIBFEST. Is it because of my stunning good looks? That's got to be it.

Congrats to Drew. Since we are best friends in the winter, do I get to ride his coattails at all?

Anonymous said...

Cakes...feel free to jump on my bandwagon all winter and enjoy the perks that come with it. I've got no problems with that.

--Drew (2013 COY)

Anonymous said...

Drew follows Rotoworld then loses in the playoffs with Jamaal Charles to a kicker and an owner who uses up all ten waiver picks in the first 3 weeks. Do the opposite of what he says.

Ape, hook me up with some of those sports betting guys. My twitter feed is sorely lacking on gambling and other illegal ventures.

Do NOT follow Maurice Clarett, he is the worst.

I follow a lot of the Parks & Rec/Community/Funny or Die people. Some pretty funny banter and links come out of that. Following Donna (@unforettable) from Parks and Rec is hilarious. She actually live tweets everything she does, including all Scandal episodes. She throws plenty of shade.

Ide

GMoney said...

I couldn't recommend following a few pron stars enough. It really cuts the tension and monotony when sifting through Andrew Marchand Yankees tweets and then BAM! set of tits.

Ape, that's not a bad idea with the gamblors. How about a few recommendations? I could OBVZ use the help. BAD YEAR.

Are the Big Tymers on Twitter? I MUST KNOW.

Jeff, was that the most pathetic loss in CBJ history last night? It definitely has to be top 5. Giving up 5 goals to a horrible team that starts Steve Mason for reasons not being troll-like is AWFUL. This team just keeps raising the bar for LULZ.

Anonymous said...

Ide...I don't follow Rotoworld Football, because I don't care about fantasy football. Not sure how many times I have to tell you that...it's not something I enjoy too much. I LOVE me some fantasy baseball and basketball and it provides great updates for those two. I'm also very good at both of them.

--Drew

Jeff said...

That loss is def up there. Losing by 7 in Edmonton was rough, but that was not a meltdown. The only thing that would've made this loss worse would be if were at home. I imagine Mase would be skating circles around the rink after the game like he won the cup and the fans litter the ice with human feces.

Prime99 said...

Congrats, Drooler. My reign may be over, which is sad, but you can grace us with plenty of GIFs of Urban's ballz so validate G$'s selection.

Cakes, my wife, MY WIFE could comment better than you. Because I KNOW, my wife HOT TAEK at least once!

Anonymous said...

Her hot take was Demarcus.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Thanks Prime. You are actually fortunate that this isn't in a message board format, where I can really go to work with my gif usage. If that happened then I would never give up the belt.

I might take Cakes under my wing...tutor him a bit....and turn CAKES TAKES into some HOT CAKES.

--Drew (2013 COY)

Brady said...

I require no tutoring. I just need a job where I can be online more and properly craft my HOT TAEKS and responses.

Come on, Prime. Saying your wife could comment better than me really stings. You just bought yourself a Tiesto show with me as punishment.

Prime99 said...

Eh, I was just quoting the Southern Illinois coach and butchering the English language. His use of the word SHOT FAKE was great.

While I'm sure I've hated all of you at some point in time, this corner of the interwebs is nothing short of ELITE. Fantastic stuff. Whether you are jinxing your own team or losing commenting bets to me, it is a pleasure to have a place to talk shit and HOT TAEK.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised that the Iceman hasn't bashed Prime, Ape, Cakes, Slow Seal, Grumpy, Jeff, etc. from taking to social media to discuss how upset you are about losing out on COY today. LOLZ!

--Drew

GMoney said...
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Brady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Man, a lot of questionable people work for whatever company that is.

What was comment of the year? Doubt it was as ELITE as that golf/pedophilia line last year.

Ide

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Brady said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

What a terrible day for this site... G$ finally shows his secret gay love for Drew after siding with him all year. Its like the gay marriage contract has now been signed. You guys can continue to deep throat each other in front of far superior commenters that participate here.

Seal

GMoney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GMoney said...

Whoa! He has agreed with ME a lot--not the other way around.

Joe Haden sucks.

Nate said...

The irony in Drew getting COY is he couldn't have done it without Seal.

Without Seal's anger and allowing himself to getting trolled so often by Drew, none of this would have been possible.


Robot code is IceFat


Anonymous said...

LOLZ at Drew trolling me... I own him just like Haden owns all NFL receivers.

Seal

Jeff said...

By owning, you must mean he has them all on his fantasy team.

Anonymous said...

Robot code should have been yousodumb

Seal

Anonymous said...

Sorry Slow Seal....it's not just G$. Read the multiple people above that agree with my as COY. Nate also isn't the first to admit they find humor in my work with you. In the words of Bo Ryan.........DEAL WITH IT.

--Drew (2013 COY)

Nate said...

Seal,

If you owned him, you'd be COY and not bitter about G$ swallowing Drew's cock.

GMoney said...

It's painfully OBVZ that Seal wanted a Commie. Maybe if you would have made room for a Money Shot Table at your wedding reception...just sayin!

Every year around this time, The Commies always get everyone's blood boiling. This year is no exception.

GMoney said...

I don't recall being called a cocksucker when Prime got the award last year. What is this shit? All I did was reward excellence in the field of commenting.

The Commies are most definitely always NO HOMO.

Mr. Ace said...

Here are some of my wise guys:

@mickeyhammervk (Anybody from Vegas Killers) @kellyinvegas @cappers_finest @stukey2 @vegasgunners @pregame_steam @jeffreycarroll9 @thegoldenone111 @sharkharrisonvk @tweetydimes @bonesbestbet @oddsbuster @mattyoumans247 @davecokin @adamhilllvrj @mrparlayking @dynamitepicks @davidpurdum @christorrisi @coversnuggz @totals4you @viewfromvegas @phillygodfather @vegasrunner

Some of these are more active than others. And there are probably a few more I follow. I have got on some of Cappers Finest NBA picks late night and had good results.

Mr. Ace said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GMoney said...

Iceman is the geocities and angelfire of commenters.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Cakes said...

I've said too much. Maybe this issue is something we can discuss on Twitter. Please stop talking about it here.

Anonymous said...

OH SHIT CORPORATE ESPIONAGE. I DEMAND EVERY DETAIL NOW.

Also, Skip Bayless is throwing out some serious takes on the Redskins. G$ ENGAGE.

Ide

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
GMoney said...

We have been asked to GIVE IT A REST on that certain front. I will oblige and so will all of you. We were talking about Kirk Cousins and his terrible employer anyway.

GMoney said...

Either way, Iceman is trying his hardest to ruin The Commies. I just can't let that happen. TITS!

One of the ladies that I follow on Twitter is complaining because a bunch of definite creepy guys keep telling her to suck their dick. You really should be following some of these people.

Cakes said...

After all of his Twitter bashing, I can just sense that Ge$u$ is falling hard for his new social media BFF.

GMoney said...

You're Cakes now, Cakes? Great decision.

Prime99 said...

Just remember COY 2012 gave Cakes his name.

Cakes said...

I decided that because of recent events, I could no longer go by my Christian (LOL) name. Nobody would know who I was if I went with anything else. Why fight it? No amount of bitching and moaning would change it anyway.

Cakes said...

That's a cheeseburger cake by the way.

GMoney said...

I'll take a piece.