Drooler - A permanent Seal mushroom stamp on your forehead. I find it rather hilarious that you call a guy who consistently dominates you daily, slow. It's terribly ironic. DOUBLE GIFT! The benefit of being COTY. You also get a vile of Matthew Stafford ass cheek liposuction. Now you carry a little piece of Fat Stafford with you everywhere you go.
Seal - Anger management classes. I picture Seal getting cold fries at a restaurant and then reacting by flipping over the entire table while red faced and screaming obscenities. Probably belly punches the waitress for good measure. I bet anyone who makes the error of sassing Seal gets a signature high velocity back hand. Let's fix that.
Cakes - Nothing. Because you don't even deserve the shittiest of gifts being handed out today.
Damman - An invitation to the Brandon Weeden passing camp. You will spend two luxurious days with none other than THEE Brandon Weeden himself. Have you ever wondered what it's like to throw a game ending underhand interception? Want to learn the art of drilling every receiver in the ankles with killer accuracy? Do you dream of mastering the art of throwing the 5 yard out on 3rd and 8? This camp covers it all. Even staring down your primary target for 4 seconds. The only thing we ask is a small down payment of your sanity and your spot is reserved. Enjoy!
JSaul - What do you get the biggest Duke fan this side of Ohio? A bootleg copy of the Duke Lacrosse rape tapes, of course! This gem is one of a kind and the only known copy. You can store it in between your Josh McRoberts and Cherokee Parks autographed jerseys. Just ignore the screams and the tears when beating off to it. (ed. note: this should be a gift to GSaul…Santa has a bit of an alcohol problem so I guess this means that JSaul gets nothing)
Grumpy - A glory hole carved into your favorite oak tree. Now instead of getting sexually aroused and dry humping all those trees until you sploosh in your panties, you can make love like a real man with this state of the art glory hole. Show that oak tree your true feelings through passionate, botanist love making. Just remember to wrap up. You never know what sort of disease a 300 year old tree carries.
Mr. Ace - A gigantic black dildo attached to a gold chain. That's for Devin Gardner hanging dong in your face. HE BAD! And he made you look like a total boob this year after the public fellate fiesta you had over Gardner before the season started. Wear the dong in shame like a scarlet letter. The world needs to know.
Jeff - You get to smell Ben Roethlisberger's fingers after his next rape conquest. I heard he likes to utilize the shocker after he wine, dines and sixty-nine's his victims. Make sure you smell the right one so he doesn't purposely dirty sanchez you.
Nate B - Just a good old fashioned steel toe kick to the balls. You don't deserve anything more creative than that.
Dut - A straight razor. Enough is enough. Get rid of that thing.
Ide - Truth serum. This is more of a gift for everyone else. I can speak for everyone when I say that the lies are becoming stale. Like your fart breath. It's time to be outed for every lie you've ever told. From rubbing penis heads with some fictional movie producer all the way down to motor boating Paul Pierce's voluptuous jelly tits.
Prime - Child support payments from DeMarcus Cousins. It's the least he can do. I know the life of a struggling musician can be a little overwhelming when it comes to money since most bars pay out with booze and empty promises. Plus I'm sure Boogie Cousins is already paying at least 3 other women child support, so why shouldn't you get yours? Carry the money in your bra like any good self-respecting bitch would.
And finally G$ - Due to real life circumstances and a behind the scenes verbal brawl to end all brawls, we need a new Tuesday writer here. The old writer is gone for good and we will never speak his name again. He knows what he did and he is no longer welcome here. FUCK HIM. If you want to know the details, just email me but know that any future comment concerning our former contributor will be deleted ASAP. We are done with him. Give it a rest. So, yeah, we need a new Mr. Tuesday.
Wait—that’s too much of a downer for CHRISTmas. Unlimited big jugs for everyone!!!
Ho Ho Ho, dick heads. Jolly Old St. Prick was extra generous this year because every last one of you has been an insufferable cock sucker. By the way. That black stuff in all of your stockings? Not coal. My turds that I ran through the food dehydrator. Nothing says "you guys are assholes" quite like dried up little anus pellets. If Santa Blogs forgot about you, well, blame him. He isn’t even American! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals! See you all on Thursday.