Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Santa Blogs Is Back!

Terrifying.
It's that time of year again, boys and girls. Jolly Old St. Prick is back to fill your stockings with disappointment and leave bags of shit under your trees while pissing on the furniture. If you're lucky, you may even find puke in your underwear drawer the next morning. What do you say we open some presents for some of the most rotten motherfuckers this side of the Internet? Strap in, ladies.

Drooler - A permanent Seal mushroom stamp on your forehead. I find it rather hilarious that you call a guy who consistently dominates you daily, slow. It's terribly ironic. DOUBLE GIFT! The benefit of being COTY. You also get a vile of Matthew Stafford ass cheek liposuction. Now you carry a little piece of Fat Stafford with you everywhere you go.

Seal - Anger management classes. I picture Seal getting cold fries at a restaurant and then reacting by flipping over the entire table while red faced and screaming obscenities. Probably belly punches the waitress for good measure. I bet anyone who makes the error of sassing Seal gets a signature high velocity back hand. Let's fix that.

Cakes - Nothing. Because you don't even deserve the shittiest of gifts being handed out today.

Damman - An invitation to the Brandon Weeden passing camp. You will spend two luxurious days with none other than THEE Brandon Weeden himself. Have you ever wondered what it's like to throw a game ending underhand interception? Want to learn the art of drilling every receiver in the ankles with killer accuracy? Do you dream of mastering the art of throwing the 5 yard out on 3rd and 8? This camp covers it all. Even staring down your primary target for 4 seconds. The only thing we ask is a small down payment of your sanity and your spot is reserved. Enjoy!

JSaul - What do you get the biggest Duke fan this side of Ohio? A bootleg copy of the Duke Lacrosse rape tapes, of course! This gem is one of a kind and the only known copy. You can store it in between your Josh McRoberts and Cherokee Parks autographed jerseys. Just ignore the screams and the tears when beating off to it. (ed. note: this should be a gift to GSaul…Santa has a bit of an alcohol problem so I guess this means that JSaul gets nothing)

Grumpy - A glory hole carved into your favorite oak tree. Now instead of getting sexually aroused and dry humping all those trees until you sploosh in your panties, you can make love like a real man with this state of the art glory hole. Show that oak tree your true feelings through passionate, botanist love making. Just remember to wrap up. You never know what sort of disease a 300 year old tree carries.

Mr. Ace - A gigantic black dildo attached to a gold chain. That's for Devin Gardner hanging dong in your face. HE BAD! And he made you look like a total boob this year after the public fellate fiesta you had over Gardner before the season started. Wear the dong in shame like a scarlet letter. The world needs to know.

Jeff - You get to smell Ben Roethlisberger's fingers after his next rape conquest. I heard he likes to utilize the shocker after he wine, dines and sixty-nine's his victims. Make sure you smell the right one so he doesn't purposely dirty sanchez you.

Nate B - Just a good old fashioned steel toe kick to the balls. You don't deserve anything more creative than that.

Dut - A straight razor. Enough is enough. Get rid of that thing.

Ide - Truth serum. This is more of a gift for everyone else. I can speak for everyone when I say that the lies are becoming stale. Like your fart breath. It's time to be outed for every lie you've ever told. From rubbing penis heads with some fictional movie producer all the way down to motor boating Paul Pierce's voluptuous jelly tits.

Prime - Child support payments from DeMarcus Cousins. It's the least he can do. I know the life of a struggling musician can be a little overwhelming when it comes to money since most bars pay out with booze and empty promises. Plus I'm sure Boogie Cousins is already paying at least 3 other women child support, so why shouldn't you get yours? Carry the money in your bra like any good self-respecting bitch would.

And finally G$ - Due to real life circumstances and a behind the scenes verbal brawl to end all brawls, we need a new Tuesday writer here. The old writer is gone for good and we will never speak his name again. He knows what he did and he is no longer welcome here. FUCK HIM. If you want to know the details, just email me but know that any future comment concerning our former contributor will be deleted ASAP. We are done with him. Give it a rest. So, yeah, we need a new Mr. Tuesday.

Wait—that’s too much of a downer for CHRISTmas. Unlimited big jugs for everyone!!!

Ho Ho Ho, dick heads. Jolly Old St. Prick was extra generous this year because every last one of you has been an insufferable cock sucker. By the way. That black stuff in all of your stockings? Not coal. My turds that I ran through the food dehydrator. Nothing says "you guys are assholes" quite like dried up little anus pellets. If Santa Blogs forgot about you, well, blame him. He isn’t even American! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals! See you all on Thursday.

37 comments:

Grumpy said...

I want to trade with Jeff. Is that allowed?

Anonymous said...

How did I not know there was a big Duke fan that commented here? What a douche.

I seriously LOL'd at Damman's. I'm surprised that's not a real thing done here in Cleveland.

I'm turning over a new leaf and gonna be nicer around here in 2014. Until ten, fuck u all.

Kidding. Hope all of u have a great Christmas and safe and happy new year.

Seal

GMoney said...

Seal, to be fair, every college football preview week, GSaul predicts Duke Football to go bowling. It is a tradition.

CBJ!!!!!

GMoney said...

For Christmas this year, Avisail Garcia is giving Prince Fielder's wife his beef burrito. What an ELITE story!

Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jeff said...

Love the smell of fish in the morning!

Grump, you can have the "stink" finger.

The DIFF got a workout last night.

RyJo and JSkill are the next Sid and Malkin, only better. CARRY IT!!!

Anonymous said...

Iceman's gone?!

And they say there is no such thing as a holly jolly Christmas. That's a big hit for Walmart Wolverine collective around here. You guys just keep racking up the losses everywhere you look!

CBJ! These guys win anytime I pay little to no attention or read their twitter feed. They are dead to me on television. It's for the good of the team.

RIP Stan!

Ide

Nelson said...

I'm pretty sure GSaul and JSaul are the same person. How many fucking Saulses are there anyway? Seventy?

I always knew Grumpy liked the rapey pussy poop. I bet he has his fingers crossed for Winston to get drafted by Shitsburgh.

There is no camp more ELITE than the Weeden passing camp. The only other camp that comes close is the Greg Little "How to act like Freddie Mitchell" camp.

GMoney said...

Yeah, I'll be honest...that Weeden Passing Academy sounds enjoyable. There has to be some sort of age limit though like ages 50 and up only.

Ide, if you checked your fucking email you would know what is going on. God, you are the worst. Sorry, Jeff, you are no longer the worst.

GMoney said...

UPDATE: if the playoffs started today, CBJ = 6 seed and DET = 9 seed AKA OUT! We are superior in every way especially in the department of which fan base is sexier.

Anonymous said...

Yahoo! is on the fritz, and won't let me sign in. I see that I have emails, but every time I click on it I have to sign back in. I forgot you guys only know my fantasy sports email. I like to keep you fuckers at arms length.

Ide

Jeff said...

G$'s hockey math is no good eh. Where are you getting your stats? CBJ are 6th in the race for 2 wild card spots, but only 2 pts out of 3rd in the division. DET is currently 1st for the wildcard.

No wonder you need the DIFF, bro.

You must be projecting to the end of the season. I'm cool with that.

However, you are correct about the sexier fan base.

Prime99 said...

Ide is upset about my gift to him in the MSFL- a FOURF place finish.

Boogie hooking me up with straight cash, homie! CANT WAIT!

Bummer about Tuesdays but we shall overcome...

Mr. Ace said...

DG98 was still the best QB in the B1G!

RIP Mr. TUESDAY. Your HOT TAKES! will be missed...by no one.

St.Prick should have given out presents to George Gervin, Paul Wall and Chuck Lidell for being faggier than fagnasty. My teeth are mind blowin given everybody chills, call me George Foreman cuz I'm selling everybody grillz.

GMoney said...

Hmmmmm Jeff...did I skim over a Porty tweet a little too quickly? Perhaps. I do possess SEC speed. No problem though, we're winning the Cup.

He did what I asked of him. I'll give him that. But the man himself was a nightmare to work with. He always kept asking dumb questions like "why is OVERRATED in all caps" and "am I allowed to review Limp Bizkit albums". Fuck him. He's gone. DEAD. I've got a call out to Jay Mariotti to be the new Mr. Tuesday.

Jeff said...

The hilarious part is that Porty was referring to the goal DIFF with those standings. Our DIFF is better than DET, so clearly we are better.

GMoney said...

I just re-read that from Porty. Yep, it's The DIFF. Someone must have hacked my commenting account to relay such horrible misinformation. Probably Ide...he always lies.

Nate said...

I'm confused. If G$ published this article, why did he give himself a gift?

The masses want answers.

Anonymous said...

I don't mislead HOT CBJ TAKES. Ever.

CBJ, hilariously enough, is code for covered blow jobs in happy ending parlors in NYC. Screaming Go CBJ will have an adverse effect in some bars here. I found out the hard (pun intended) way. Now that is a HOT TAKE.

I did go to the NHL store and buy a CBJ shirt to properly carry the flag while I look at twitter.

Ide

Anonymous said...

If G$ published this article, why did he give himself a gift?

He is a narcissistic prick who can't get enough of himself. And, like Vijay Singh, looks like he smells.

Ide

GMoney said...

If G$ published this article, why did he give himself a gift?

You dolt, Santa Blogs e-mailed me his post and I loaded it up for him. This is how the internet works. I'm not going to give a pedophile like Santa access to this fine site. OBVZ!

How awesome is the blatant denial of Jerry Jones and Jason Garrett. Our QB needs a new back but he might play on Sunday!

Anonymous said...

Sup playas....COY is here for X-Mas fun!

LavaGirl with a gift that doesn't even make sense for me. Go get that DUMARS shave already.

LOLZ@ G$ showing why he needs THE DIFF. Way to try and talk some hockey shit.

Speaking of my better teams...LOLZ @ G$ and Slow Seal for taking the Piston DEEP DICK last night. DEEEEEEEEEEEETROOOOOOOOOOOOOIT BASKETBALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! What a thumping. At least we got to see some of the great Anthony Bennett....LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! You guys took the dick...and then swallowed the Detroit load.

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.

--Drew

Nelson said...

I think the Dumars shave should be replaced by the Drummond shave.

Santa Blogs should have brought G$ a dental dam.

GMoney said...

GIVE IT A REST, you bullies!

Anonymous said...

Can we learn the true identity of Stan now?! I bet it's Seal.

Ide

GMoney said...

Stan's identity will never be revealed. If that gets leaked then we have nothing left.

Anonymous said...

A straight razor? My beard will not allow that to happen. The beard is here 4-life. Deal with it!

I think we should have try outs to replace our Tuesday writer.

I am the champion in my OTHER LEAGUE! Also, G$, why didn't you mention that you got MURDERED by commenter dut in the lolfl? Hope you enjoy that 4th place/no $$ finish. You lost to dut. Enjoy thinking about that for a year, bitch!!

Dut

GMoney said...

I mentioned it yesterday. And I won my division so I am making bank. Plus, I get to pick you #1 overall again next year (unless Jeff beats me to it). You are the Anthony Bennett of the LFL.

Prime99 said...

Did the Cavs let the autistic kid select Anthony Bennett? Just because he is lucky and Dan Gilbert's son doesn't mean he should make the pick!

Why would G$ give himself a present? You do read this blog, right? He gave himself MSMOTY last year and probably this year as well. A present is not our of bounds.

Limp Bizkit album reviews would be the worst. Good overruling on that one, G$.

GMoney said...

Dut, I took back your straight razor and got you a more fitting gay razor. It's probably safer for when you trim up your vagina anyway.

For the last time, I DID NOT WRITE THIS. It was that old fat immigrant from up north.

Nelson said...

Whoever wrote it...he nailed the presents for everyone.

Nate said...

Nelson Muntz?

Jeff said...

I'll probably take Dut #1 since I did beat his ass twice.

Anonymous said...

Whoever wrote it has the sentence structure and logic of a downs syndrome child. They probably waste their life cheering for bad sports organizations and chase ghouls at night.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Santa Blogs is not the REASON FOR THE SEASON. It's called CHRISTmas, ya know?

Grumpy said...

Is it just me or since winning COY does Drew seem to be making comments in Ebonics?

Anonymous said...

He's bedded down with the nubian species. It was bound to happen eventually.