Thursday, December 19, 2013

Open Forum: Food Fight!

As promised, we’re dipping back into the popular and beloved realm of food posts today. Since we are sort of running out of topics in the traditional sense of how these posts work, we’ll be taking a slightly different direction. While it may be new and confusing to such a moronic group of readers, I think that you will catch on. Yesterday, Drooler dropped a dime on Melt by claiming that the grilled cheese barons are a tad OVERRATED. Ide enjoyed his experience there although the mass quantities of cheese are still plugging him up and thus making life hard for all those guys from Queens that look like Luis Guzman. So where are we going with this?

HOT FOOD TAEKS! This will certainly be a food fight of epic proportions. Lines will be drawn in the sand. Friends will become enemies and vice versa. The weather may be cold and frigid outside but the takes inside this proverbial kitchen are BOILING HOT. Let’s get the big one out of the way first:

*Chicago-style Pizza is better than New York-style Pizza – It just is. DEAL WITH IT. Thick, buttery crusts that can hold toppings and should be eaten with a fork are the way to go. I love New Yorkers but there is nothing more annoying than them talking about how their big, floppy slices are the best in the world. Get fucked. No they are not. Go fuck Famous Original Ray already. Your dough isn’t special and “it’s because of the water” is pure faggotry. Yeah, I’m sure that all of those East River corpses have a profound effect on pizza crust. The #1 reason why I prefer Chicago: the tomatoes. Tomatoes aren’t just in the sauce, they are on the pizza and they are delightful. Pizza is supposed to be a meal. It isn’t some snack that you order a la carte and eat while walking. FUCK YOU IDE.

*And another thing about pizza – Slices over squares. Forever. Unless you have a sheet pizza like Adriaticos or the now defunct Pizza Hut Bigfoot OBVZ. Bring back The Bigfoot!

*The most worthless food in the world is – The Quesadilla. These serve no purpose. My stupid wife will order it sometimes when we’re out for beaner food and she always regrets it. There is nothing to them. Two tortillas and melted cheese with maybe a few bits of shitty chicken. Why would anyone order this?

*Christmas Cookies – These make the holiday season always a little bit more tolerable but stop putting those little red hot pieces on them. If I wanted a molten hot cinnamon flavor in my baked goods, I would slam a bottle of Fireball while eating a tray of brownies. Cinnamon is the worst flavor ever. Yes, it is worse than feces. Stop ruining cookies with those red hot things, dumb women.

*And finally, “chili” – A few months ago, Deadspin did a review of each states signature food and ranked them. Cincinnati Chili came in last and was CRUSHED by the internet for its diarrhea-like consistency and reason for existence. In theory, what purpose does a plate of spaghetti noodles, watery chili, and a pound of cheese serve? But you know what, fuck them. Skyline is goddamn delicious and if you don’t like it, no one is forcing you to eat it, BRO. I like it. I don’t love it but I like it. It’s definitely different but the flavors work. If you like chili dogs (and who doesn’t) then why would you talk shit about chili dogs on steroids? Next thing you’re going to tell me is that the Tony Packo’s hot dog sauce is disgusting and those would be fighting words around here. Skyline gets a bad rap but it’s unfounded. It isn’t for everybody but I will defend it to the death.

Whoa! Would you look at all of them STRONG TAEKS! Someone is bringing the thunder today! I can’t wait to see which side everyone falls on. It should be a good day to EMBRACE DEBATE.

As yet another reminder, TOMORROW IS THE COMMIES! It is the day in which we reward the finest from the comments over the past year. Who will win rookie of the year, smartest, dumbest, most wrong, faggiest beard, and the granddaddy of them all, The Commenter of the Year? Stop by often tomorrow to find out.


Grumpy said...

Strong takes. Enemies will be made.

Pizza is not meant to be folded. Period.

Cincinnati style chili is the worst.

Mr. Ace said...

Chicago> Ide Nothing wrong with NY pizza, but Chicago is better. However, G$ saying it's because of the tomatoes is hellagay.

If its deep dish pizza (non Chicago style) then it better be fucking square.

Cincinnati Chili is ass. Just like Cincinnati.

Quesadillas are fantastic. Have you never ordered a #7 from TB?

I will eat no less than 12 xmas cookies on friday night when I get to my parents.

MuDawgfan said...

I really don't have much of a sweet tooth, so you guys can keep your Xmas Cookies.

I love Cincinnati Chili, I just try my best to stay away because it is absolutely horrible for you. Look on the back of a can of skyline sometime, prepare to faint.

I agree that Chicago is Superior. Giordano's trumps Lou Malnati's by a hair.


1. The absolute perfect appetizer is the well made potato skin.

2. The king of the beef sandwich game is the Hot French Dip.

Merry Christmas to all the G$ Cr3w

GMoney said...

I wonder if it would get a different reputation if it were known as hot dog sauce or just sauce instead of chili. The taste is fine but it does look better coming out than it does going in. Not many foods can say that.

You anti-tomato? WHERE YOU FROM, BRO?

Great call, Grump. Why would you eat pizza that acts like the Columbus Destroyers (ie. folds)? Exactly. Give me the STREMPH of a buttery crust.

Have not had Giordano's but LOVED Lou Malnati's.

Anonymous said...

You motherfuckers.

Jon Stewart covered this better than I ever could, but I will certainly expand. First off, size. I'm sorry, but a deep dish (the square ones are Sicilian slices, Ape) Chicago pizza isn't a fucking pizza. It's a casserole. Eat it with your goddamn hands; you can't. Only faggots eat pizza with a fork and knife.

Secondly, grabbing a couple slices and being mobile about it is ELITE. Snag a slice and walk to the next bar/your house. That is how God intended. Not sitting down, ordering a pizza that could feed the entire homeless population and filling up off of one slice them walking around with a box the rest of the time. Fuck that.

Lastly, the sauce and cheese. The secret isn't the water for the crust (stop getting your food tips from Turtle) it's the water for the mozzarella. We use the fresh shit here, not that shredded kraft bullshit. Our mozzarella is hand made by some whop, that's great. Yours is just some pile of shredded shot piled on by some obese as shoe with a mustache. Our sauce is under the cheese WHERE IT FUCKING BELONGS.

Let's just agree that NYC hot dogs are better. Chicago dogs are such bullshit. They do make awesome beef though. And popcorn.

Skyline is great. No beans. Get fucked bean lovers. Nothing wrong with quesadillas as an appetizer or addition to some tacos at TB.

Boneless wings. Only for faggots. If there is a choice, there is no choice. Wings are served on the bone only.

The other night at Santacon (in my neighborhood, unavoidable) I ate a mashed potato bowl at KFC. These continue to be the most ELITE fast food item around. Those 2.99 go cups are pretty great. Popeyes is still better.

Cronuts: overrated.

Ramon burgers: ELITE

Which brings me to my next point. Ramen is the cats ass. After overdosing on it in college, it's back in a big way. Sure the cost of 15-20 bucks for a bowl of ramen is hard to swallow (phrasing), but anyone who doesn't enjoy a massive bowl of ramen with tons of shit thrown in can eat gazpacho in Russia.


Anonymous said...

Just got a new phone so the auto correct is in full force.

Anonymous said...

Chicago style pizza beats all others by a long shot. The thick buttery crust's ability to hold a buffet of toppings cannot be beat. Like G$ said, I wand a meal, not a floppy grease trap.

No preference on the slice argument. All I have to say is Adriatico's is amazing.

Quesadilla is like the grilled cheese of Mexican food. Its something that picky children should order, not adults. The only exception would be for an appetizer, in which case you should just get nachos and load them up with toppings.

I hate the red hots, too. Favorite Christmas cookie has to be a sugar cookie with milk.

Skyline Chili is tolerable, not good. Cincinnatians say its the greatest food ever, to which I say they need to get out of Cincinnati. Every time I eat Skyline, I feel like I need to shower afterwards.

GMoney said...

Jon Stewart is a New Yorker. No bias there. He probably can't even upgrade to grill class. Casserole? Get fucked. Way to overexaggerate.

Real men don't take food home.

Let's judge it by it's worst. I would Pizzeria Uno off of Tuttle before I would even think about Sbarro. You're only as good as your worst slice and NY Pizza has the worst slices. DEAL WITH IT.

For the record, I don't consider sheet pizzas like Adriatico's to be Chicago-style because they aren't.

Boneless wings are chicken nuggets. But they're fine if you're in a hurry and don't feel like needing a toothpick like Razor Ramon for the rest of the night.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Ide. Boneless wings should not even be called wings. They should be called chicken chunks or nuggets. Calling them wings is similar to people who call SUV's Trucks.

I have eaten Chicago style pizza with my hands. Not that difficult.

Anonymous said...

When are you ever in a hurry to eat wings? That makes no sense. They aren't wings, they're food for children.

You guys are comparing Giordano's with 99 cent slices and thinking its valid. It's not. Genos East is better than Giordanos, though, I haven't had Lou Malnati's. Try Di Fara or Lombardi's in NYC, and try saying that it's a grease trap or worse. It's just an incorrect (and ignant) statement. I also have a real hard time buying that a party of two can finish a deep dish pizza.

Adriatico's is Sicilian style pizza. I believe it actually says it on the sign/menu. Adriatico's also has the best pepperoni of any pizza I have ever had. Granted, I don't eat a lot of pepperoni, so my sample size is small, but still.


Anonymous said...

I enjoy Chicago style more than NY style as well. Detroit style is actually my's more like the sheet pizzas from Adriatico's. There are some tremendous pizza joints in the Detroit area.

I also LOVE Chicago style hot dogs. Love the hot peppers on top.

I've actually begun to like boneless wings. If I'm at a joint like Barley's...then of course I'm getting them on the bone. But, if some shitty pizza joint/sports bar is sending over some wings...then I'm probably choosing boneless these days. We all ate chicken nuggets when we were little....boneless wings with your favorite sauce are like chicken nuggets on steroids...they are all GROWNZ UP chicken nuggets.

A few HOT TAKES...

*I love Mexican favorite type of food. I also love of my favorite meals. But, for some reason Mexican restaurants make SHIT nachos. Almost any sports bar will make a nachos that is way better than your local Mexican joints. Mexican restaurants make nachos that are real flat to the plate...not many toppings and the meat is usually pulled. American restaurants make them piled high with chips....grilled chicken or steak...lettuce, tomatoes, jalapenos,etc. It's not a big deal...plenty of awesome options at Mexican restaurants still....just weird.

*If I starved myself for 14 days...the first place I'm going is straight to a Mongolian BBQ. I think that is the best place in the world if you are just ridiculously hungry. All the meats, sauces, spices you could want and bowl after bowl. I'm sure Ide would scoff at this and say he would be eating sandwich after sandwich at Carnegie Deli with his good friend Tom Hanks...but, just put me in line at Mongolian and I'm gonna start making up for those days starved.

*One of the most UNDERRATED dishes on the planet is beef stroganoff. Just a delicious combination of beef, sauce and noodles.

*I truly enjoy a good salad. Whether it be a blackened chicken ceasar, asian chicken, taco....I've got no issue ordering a salad while out to eat somewhere or making one at a salad bar. Jason's Deli salad bar is ELITE.


GMoney said...

Oh, you eat a fuck ton of black pepperoni, BRAH!

Adriatico's once employed Dre.

If I'm driving and want some chicken for the road, I'm ordering boneless wings from KFC or wherever. How funny would it be to pass a guy on the highway who is balls deep in 12 wings though? I would LOL hard at that visual.

I just don't understand how you can call something "the best" when you just admitted that you eat it walking from bar to bar. That's no way to show respect to the best pie, is it? Apparently, it's just good drunk food. On the other hand, you show respect in Chicago.

Hot taeks from Drew and I agree with most. The downtown Mongolian BBQ charges per bowl though which is FUCKING GAY. I think that the Sawmill one does now, too. Fuck that. I've tried to do three trips to the grill there before and nearly collapsed. I'm a two bowl guy piled the fuck high.

Anonymous said...

If I'm going to pay $30 for a pastrami sandwich it's from Katz's not Carnegie. Fuck Times Square. Mongolian ain't bad, but give me a charrascaria any day. They forgo on things like salad and vegetables and go straight for meat.

Mexican food is the most ELITE food there is. Mexicans, however, don't live in NYC, so we have shit for selection here. Cubans and Dominicans make shit food.

The hot peppers on a Chicago dog is great, however, you didn't account for the other 12 ingredients.


Anonymous said...

G$...when did they start charging by the bowl? I was at the one downtown a couple months ago and it was not like that. It was same pricing as bowl or unlimited. I just pulled up their menu on their website and it's still one or unlimited too?


Anonymous said...

G$ pays for one bowl then tries to schmooze his way into the unlimited deal. He also buys wings at KFC.

Real scumbag that guy.


GMoney said...

Maybe they saw a real mark when I walked into the downtown location a few years ago and gouged the shit out of me. Goddamn Mongolians.

So we all agree that Chicago-style is superior, right? Good.

Anonymous said...

Im a huge of the 'hole in the wall" chinese food places... General Tso's chicken is fucking incredible. I dont care if I AM eating cats and dogs, its good. Great hangover food. So is the bourbon chicken at the mall.

I vote Chicago style as well.

Favorite Christmas cookies (which arent really Christmas related, I just only get them around Christmas time) are the peanut butter with a hersey's kiss in the middle.


Jeff said...

I will be able to report on this Mongolian BBQ issue this afternoon as my boss is taking my dept out to lunch there as a holiday gift.

Skyline coney dog is only good when you're drunk at a Jackets game.

Chicago za is GOAT.

Lebron > Everyone else

Grumpy said...

Seal and I agree on something! The more "hole in the wall" the Chinese place is, the better the food. Plus, they'll usually make off menu dishes for you, like crystal chicken.

G$, know what's the "secret" of Cincinnati chili? Cinnamon.

Jeff said...

Is crystal chicken the Chinese slang for meth?

Anonymous said...

You don't make friends with salad!

Homer Simpson

Anonymous said...

Thanks Jeff! Way to settle this issue quickly. I'm definitely gonna LOLZ if some rogue waiter was making up his own prices for G$.

I forgot that Ide said the Pacers were gonna stomp the Heat yesterday.


GMoney said...

By the way, how great is it that Drew Magary took down Duck Dynasty? ELITE!

You've got to love those right wingers crying about freedom of speech. Poor idiots. PFTC is PISSED though!

Anonymous said...

I'll take my NY slice, thanks. I do love Chicago pizza to be sure, but it's just not practical. You can't eat that every day, you'd die. You can eat a NY slice everyday and still be a spry individual who CRUSH/SLAYS.

Fucking Heat. It looked like a beating in the second half too.

Hole in the wall Chinese, you say? We have a whole neighborhood of that. I hate talking food with you guys. I sound like a massive asshole (even moreso!).


And Indian food is damn good. I assume it's hard to find the good stuff in the midwest, because the first time I had it was about six months ago. They will concoct spices that will blow your asshole through your pants. I went to that place that requires the chef to wear a fucking gas mask to cook. THAT IS BOLD FLAVORS. I will work up the balls to take that Phaal challenge.


GMoney said...

Appetizers could be a future post. Thanks for the idea, Dawg and Drool!

Here's the thing: when I go to Chicago, I look forward to getting some 'za. When I'm in NYC, I want a pastrami or corned beef sandwich. I don't even think about pie. So, yeah, OBVZ Chicago is better.

Ide sucks.

Prime99 said...

Ide, if pizza on the go is what you think is good, then we can count NYC Pizza as the best fast food in the world. Chicago style pizza is a solid meal.

Mexican is the best. NorCal has great Mexican food, but admittedly, SoCal has the best. It's closer to the border so OBVS it's better.

Mongo BBQ is fucking great. I don't find too many unlimited places, it is usually pay by the bowl here.

Anonymous said...

I honestly didn't know that "pay by the bowl" was an option at some Mongols. What is the cost for these bowls? Do they go down as you get more?


GMoney said...

It's absolutely absurd, isn't it?

Anonymous said...

Chicago style deep dish or new york style thin crust? Long-"that's not even a question to me, its like asking do you want it better or worse. I want a meal not a snack."

Long is a rotund fella that eats about 6 meals a day & looks like he eats 8+.

Cinnamon is awful


Mr. Ace said...

I want some xmas cookies.

GMoney said...

No red hots though.

I said I be like LONG...dong!

Anonymous said...

Anyone who puts red hots on anything is a Bolshevik, plain and simple. Xmas Tree cookies with those green crystal sprinkles or those sugar cookies with a cubic liter of frosting on them or GTFO. Gingerbread men can get fucked.

The GOAT Christmas dessert is that better than sex cake. I will eat all of it if left unattended. Also, banana pudding with vanilla wafers. I once ate an entire pan of it...that someone's excessively old grandmother made for a birthday present (i didn't know that part until afterward, but don't tell me to help myself).


Anonymous said...

I like Gingerbread men.

The Thai vs. Chinese debate is interesting. While I enjoy the best Thai dishes more..I think there are more options with Chinese. So, I'm Team Chinese.


Prime99 said...

I think I'm on Team Chinese with Drooler, but it's pretty close. Thai food is damn good.

Indian food is good from time to time but it is my least favorite genre overall of the main genres.

Sushi is fantastic, though I'm guessing it is better for CA than OH based on proximity to the ocean and Japan.

Brady said...

If you want lasagna, just order lasagna. Thin crust pizza for life!!!!!

Agree with slices over squares though.

Christmas cookies are overrated.

I don't think I've ever had Skyline but that doesn't mean I wouldn't. It looks delicious.

Anonymous said...

You guys fail at life. Team Chinese might have more options, but you still order the same 5 things. Thai does food right. I don't need options when I get the same 3 things in rotation that tower over China's best dish with gusto.

And lo mein > fried rice. This is undisputable.

No Iceman takes? Man, I guess his only food experience is Tony Packos and Marcos.


GMoney said...

You ragging on Marcos now? KILL HIM!

Cakes is on team NY pizza. That's all I need to hear to know that I'm right (which I was anyway).

Anonymous said...

I am also on Team Ranch dressing over any other team, including blue cheese.

Ranch makes anything better. Ranch and hot sauce makes anything better times 2.


Anonymous said...


Ide...Only five choices for Chinese? Somebody fucking tell the thousands of Chinese buffets this news.


Anonymous said...

Let's hope whoever tells them has better reading comprehension than you. I said that while they had more options, you always order the same shit. There's like 180 fucking options on a Chinese menu, how many have you had?

Thai is better, you even said so. Stop pandering to BIG CHINESE when you know good and well Team Thai makes better food. Plus their menus are less than 200 fucking options.

Chinese buffets? Nothing like eating vats of MSG that have been sitting in dormant heat for 4 hours until you come pawing at it. Breakfast buffets are the only buffets.


Jeff said...

Easy brah, I got you.

One bowl is $10.49, unlimited is $11.99. This is for the sawmill rd location. I'm not sure if there is different pricing for different locations or different pricing for dumb susceptible people (i.e. G$).

It was delicious per usual.

Anonymous said...

NYC pizza >>>> Chicago style. It's not even close. Chicago style has too much dough. It's like eating a piece of bread with a shitload of tomato sauce. No thanks.

IDE brings a lot of good points today. The greatest cake/dessert ever invented is "better than sex" cake. I really don't have a sweet tooth, but I could eat an entire plate of that shit.

Just went to Melts for lunch. Got the lunch special, which is 1/2 grilled cheese, chili (LOADED with cheese), and a salad (also loaded with cheese). It was G'damn amazing. Needless to say, I won't be doing much this afternoon. I only recommend melts if you don't plan on going out after. It will destroy your night.

Skyline chili blows. And so does grumpy.

Also, let me remind you that G$ eats his steak well don't with ketchup. Take his advice on food with a grain of salt.


Anonymous said...

I put catsup on nothing, liar. And it's Melt not melts.

Dut, IDE, and Cakes...nice shitty team


Anonymous said...

Pizza - Chicago over NY, primarily because anyone living in NY automatically assumes whatever they are consuming is better than anywhere else because they are over paying for it.

Home Run Inn frozen is great and it has no preservatives in it.

Cincinnati chili is good but not great. A cheese coney is a great capper to a long day of drinking but will haunt you on the crapper the next day.

Quesadillas are horrible. Way to not care about cooking so much that you throw some cheese between two tortillas and call it a dish.

Brown sugar cookies (mostly eatern at Christmas time) are quite possibly the best cookie ever. Simple but delicious. And European butter is better than American, especially in cookies.

Indian food uses a lot of ghee and I secretly think it's just Hindu jizz.

Beef stroganoff is good provided it's made with sour cream as the basae of the sauce.

Chinese buffets are frightening.