Thursday, December 19, 2013
HOT FOOD TAEKS! This will certainly be a food fight of epic proportions. Lines will be drawn in the sand. Friends will become enemies and vice versa. The weather may be cold and frigid outside but the takes inside this proverbial kitchen are BOILING HOT. Let’s get the big one out of the way first:
*Chicago-style Pizza is better than New York-style Pizza – It just is. DEAL WITH IT. Thick, buttery crusts that can hold toppings and should be eaten with a fork are the way to go. I love New Yorkers but there is nothing more annoying than them talking about how their big, floppy slices are the best in the world. Get fucked. No they are not. Go fuck Famous Original Ray already. Your dough isn’t special and “it’s because of the water” is pure faggotry. Yeah, I’m sure that all of those East River corpses have a profound effect on pizza crust. The #1 reason why I prefer Chicago: the tomatoes. Tomatoes aren’t just in the sauce, they are on the pizza and they are delightful. Pizza is supposed to be a meal. It isn’t some snack that you order a la carte and eat while walking. FUCK YOU IDE.
*And another thing about pizza – Slices over squares. Forever. Unless you have a sheet pizza like Adriaticos or the now defunct Pizza Hut Bigfoot OBVZ. Bring back The Bigfoot!
*The most worthless food in the world is – The Quesadilla. These serve no purpose. My stupid wife will order it sometimes when we’re out for beaner food and she always regrets it. There is nothing to them. Two tortillas and melted cheese with maybe a few bits of shitty chicken. Why would anyone order this?
*Christmas Cookies – These make the holiday season always a little bit more tolerable but stop putting those little red hot pieces on them. If I wanted a molten hot cinnamon flavor in my baked goods, I would slam a bottle of Fireball while eating a tray of brownies. Cinnamon is the worst flavor ever. Yes, it is worse than feces. Stop ruining cookies with those red hot things, dumb women.
*And finally, “chili” – A few months ago, Deadspin did a review of each states signature food and ranked them. Cincinnati Chili came in last and was CRUSHED by the internet for its diarrhea-like consistency and reason for existence. In theory, what purpose does a plate of spaghetti noodles, watery chili, and a pound of cheese serve? But you know what, fuck them. Skyline is goddamn delicious and if you don’t like it, no one is forcing you to eat it, BRO. I like it. I don’t love it but I like it. It’s definitely different but the flavors work. If you like chili dogs (and who doesn’t) then why would you talk shit about chili dogs on steroids? Next thing you’re going to tell me is that the Tony Packo’s hot dog sauce is disgusting and those would be fighting words around here. Skyline gets a bad rap but it’s unfounded. It isn’t for everybody but I will defend it to the death.
Whoa! Would you look at all of them STRONG TAEKS! Someone is bringing the thunder today! I can’t wait to see which side everyone falls on. It should be a good day to EMBRACE DEBATE.
As yet another reminder, TOMORROW IS THE COMMIES! It is the day in which we reward the finest from the comments over the past year. Who will win rookie of the year, smartest, dumbest, most wrong, faggiest beard, and the granddaddy of them all, The Commenter of the Year? Stop by often tomorrow to find out.