Thursday, December 26, 2013

Open Forum: CHRISTmas Stories

I don't really feel like putting a ton of effort into today's post so I won't.  Let's discuss the good and bad from this year's holiday season today.

GOOD: My nephews are finally into pro wrestling which is where I can excel.
BAD: They root for shitheads.  That must change.  Rey Mysterio sucks, bro.
GOOD: No one accused me of being a pedophile!  HUGE!

GOOD: I'm turning into a pretty ELITE uncle.
BAD: I'm also a huge bitch.  Take for example this conversation with my oldest nephew who is somewhere between 8 and 14 years old.
Him - I'm getting a rifle soon and I have a hunting knife and I really want a machete.
Me - Oh yeah?  I just got an Allen wrench! (which is true!)

GOOD: My brother in law smoked an 18 pound ham and it was incredible.
BAD: I feel fat as fuck.  I need to get my ass back in the gym for very long hours.

GOOD: I saw Hellraiser twice.
BAD: Both times were at church.
GOOD: Right under the gun, I finally got to watch A Christmas Story AKA THEEE best Christmas movie.  People who call Die Hard a Christmas movie are TARDS.  That's like calling Rocky a romantic comedy.

GOOD: I got a lot of meat to fill my new deep freezer (and another gift card from Omaha steaks).
BAD: When it's presents time at the in-laws, I pretty much just get things that my wife asked for and it falls under my jurisdiction.  Like a hose this year.  Did not ask for that.  I did ask for hos; they need to read my list better.

GOOD: The end of year highlight packages on ESPN.
BAD: The NBA on Christmas Day.  I just can't get into it.  It's still football season to me.  And what the fuck were those guys wearing?  I watched some of the Lakers/Heat game but I couldn't get into it.  I only like god awful basketball.
BAD: Mark May and Dr. Lou commentating the Hawaii Bowl!  Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?  It's a good thing I was on my third Christmas Ale when I turned that game on.

I'd love to have you losers do some GOOD and BAD experiences of your own if you have the time.  For the last three years, I have asked my mom to get me some t-shirts that are cheap but have a team logo of some sort on them or something.  She has fucked this up three years in a row.  This year she got me some weirdo shirt that says something like "It's not my fault that I'm this awesome" which is true but SO STUPID.  At least she made up for it with the complete Game of Thrones book series.  That should take me a solid three years.

In conclusion, I just want to say that Jay-Z is a fucking awful rapper (heard some of his work on XM over the holdays).  Yeah, I said it.  His portion of all of his songs BLOW.  That dude that sings on Holy Grail and Alicia Keys and the incredible Rihanna MAKE him.  Rihanna rules (her portion on Eminem's Monster is terrific).  Maybe it's my west coast rap bias, but I just don't understand why HOVA or whatever he calls himself is popular.  His shit sucks.  He's a great boss but when you ask him to actually work, bad stuff happens.  Plus, he is a poopy agent.  Let's share some CHRISTmas fun!  Money Shot Man of the Year is tomorrow.


Nelson said...

Good: I was reassured that my life doesn't completely suck through being at the in-laws Christmas Eve party. Cousin A (22 years old) was bawling and screaming about leaving 30 minutes in and Cousin B (31 years old) was hammered and making a complete ass out of herself by 9PM. And the wife's dad showed up 30 minutes before the party was over. Father of the year.

Bad: My mom bought me spicy bruschetta relish that had a broken seal and leaked all over me. My hands smelled like a fish's vagina for the rest of the day. She also got me briefs...something I haven't worn since like 7th grade. My mom really knows how to knock Christmas out of the park.

GMoney said...

LOL you're 34/35 years old and your mother bought you under-roos! Did they come with their own skidmarks?

Mr. Ace said...

BAD: I got the movie The Iceman and IT FUCKING SUCKS. Big surprise.

GOOD: I spent my Christmas in Ft Myers on the golf course. Fucking ELITE.
BAD: The last time I golfed was.....whenever I went with G$. My game needs some work.
GOOD/BAD: I hit an absolute pinseeker with my sandy from about 115 out. It bounced directly in front of the hole. Somehow it didn't hit the pin or give me my first hole in one. I missed my 5 footer for birdie.

BAD: Mrs. Ace has a creepy Uncle that married into the family and always gives awkwardly long hugs. He also happens to be an incredible racist and dropped several lines that were basically "get those damn n words out of the country, starting with Obama". He also enjoyed saying gooks, zips and japs. Could easily be an Ide.

Happy birthday to my mom!

Anonymous said...

That guy on Holy Grail is Justin Timberlake. So to summarize, you hate Jay Z but like Rihanna, Alicia Keys, and Justin Timberlake. Indeed.

Good: Slept until 130. Jesus it's been years since that happened. I wake up at 530 every week day and 9 on the weekends, so to stretch out to 130 was a real blessing. TV and eat is all I did.

Bad: Living in NYC. Hoo boy. Imagine your local mall around this time of year and apply it to the entire city. Not only that, but people knowing I live here is even worse. My mom for instance sends me a text, "take pics of Radio City and Fifth ave stores!!" I sent her a pic of the 15000 people out front. I still get asked for the pics even AFTER I put it on Facebook. These picture requests are sometimes followed up with, "when are you visiting next?"

I am Amazons backup plan. Legos sold out at Target? No problem, there's a Lego store and FAO Schwartz in NYC, surely Ide has no problem waiting 45 minutes to get in to buy something then high tail it to a FedEx store! Shippings on him! Can you hit up Dior and ship me a purse? My mom really needs that bag from Celine! I'm moving to Brooklyn.

I asked my brother what to get his daughters. The young one wants stuff from American Girl. Ok, there's a huge A store here, no problem, I say. Wrong. This place is 3 stories of unbridled hell scape. I saw a 4 year old faggots. FOUR YEARS OLD. Sorry but just because your 4 year old wants AN a doll DOES NOT give you the right to dress him up in painted on jeans a bedazzled shirt and put 4 colors in his hair. You can't unring that bell if that kid figures out he's straight. Oh, and $120 for 3 outfits for a doll can get fucked too.

Grump has the right idea this time of year. No wonder so much of NYC is Jewish.


Mr. Ace said...

Regarding Jay Z I totes agree. After Blue Print and Reasonable Doubt it has been poo. The Black Album has grown on me over the years, but anything on the radio by Jay Z is garbage. Justin Timberlake 4 EVA FOR REALZ.

GMoney said...

The FACT that I didn't know it was Timberlake (I thought it was Timbaland!) is ELITE. Those people can fucking sing. Jay-Z just does his yo yo yo shit. It's the other people that have made him. If Jay-Z was in a freestyle battle with Snow or Bubba Sparxx, he would lose because dude can't rap and I would know because I'm white.

Pervert AND racist uncle! That's a real dual threat. I bet he mashed his boner into Mrs. Ace while saying something nasty about Al Sharpton.

That's the best part part about being married, Ide. All the holiday shopping for the younglings is done for me. I just get to show up, drink the beer, and accept half the thank yous.

My nephews get all sorts of weaponry these days even though they are WAY to young to be getting that kind of stuff. An 11 year old does not need a knife set designed to help gut fish efficiently. An 8 year old does not need metal shooting targets.

What I'm trying to say here is that Ted Nugent's legacy will live on forever.

Anonymous said...

GOOD: My girlfriend's parents went on stubhub and got me tickets for OSU/ Craft Senior Day. Great gift. Hopefully, it goes better than the football game in Indy (somebody was going to say that).

BAD: Drive up to Michigan was going great yesterday until I got to around Toledo and then people were wrecked all over the place for the remaining drive due to black ice...not a fun drive.

GOOD: My parents got me a big ass bottle of Makers and some of those whiskey sipping stones to put in for drinks.

BAD: My fucking psycho Aunt is in town from Cali. Just a retarded human. She was bragging about some film she was starring in...and that we could see it on the internet. They pulled it up and it was 7 minutes Mom "That's not a film...that's a commercial"...LOLZ. At least she isn't staying at our house....and today is the last day of her being around.

GOOD: My Mom got me a bunch of great boxers shorts, so she is smarter than Nelson's Mom.

BAD: I like the NBA on Christmas...quite a bit actually...but, those games weren't good.

--Drew (COY 2013)

Anonymous said...

I also tried "A Christmas Story" for the first time ever yesterday...not ELITE. Fucking horrible. I got through about 45 minutes of it and couldn't take anymore. I made the great decision of flipping to the "Gameshow Moments Gone Bananas" marathon on GSN. So my Christmas was pretty phenomenal.


GMoney said...

You wrote Maker's but you meant Mad Dog, right?

I don't have much as far as insane relatives go, but my extended family met up on Saturday and my cousin told a story about dildos and my uncle used the word chinaman. There was also a gag white elephant exchange where a can of spotted dick and a wax-vac were given out. OWWWWW!

GMoney said...

You're just a hater. You must be a real scrooge.

Anonymous said...

Woah, Damman has never seen and now hates A Christmas Story? I think everyone has a reason to cheer me on in the championship game this week.

Boxer briefs > boxers


GMoney said...

Boxers FTW.

Damman is the kind of guy who would tell my wife what I got her for Christmas which makes him either an idiot or a cocksucker. OR BOTH! We exchanged last night and she said "yesh, Damman kind of gave it away at Sawmill Lanes". ASS!

Grumpy said...

Good: Not celebrating Christmas.

Bad: Not celebrating Christmas.

Mr. Ace said...

Happy Kwanzaa everyone!

Boxers forever.

Prime99 said...

Team Boxer Briefs 4 LIFE.

GOOD: Zack getting spoiled rotten with presents, but not understanding that tissue paper and ribbon are not the best presents he received.

BAD: Carting an infant with a cold to multiple CHRISTmases.

GOOD: Zack putting on a show at Christmas Eve mass. We had not taken him to church before, and he was hilarious. You know every part of mass where there is supposed to be silence? He decided to break that quiet time with, "BA BA BA BA BA." He also prefers to stand looking at the row behind us and dance.

BAD: The priest's homily was slow and boring. Shocking, right?

GOOD: I got stuff I actually wanted or needed rather than the occasional useless gifts that are inevitable from time to time.

BAD: I'm working today and tomorrow. Dammit!

GMoney said...

I'm working, too, because I am an American and don't accept hand-outs. FUCK YOU, OBUMMER!

Anonymous said...

Doesn't surprise me Ace is the only one who can't follow directions. I figured Ide would be the asshole. Dick head power rankings should be updated.

GMoney said...

What rule did he break? Dude got a shitty movie for CHRISTmas.

Prime99 said...

An even worse movie would be Rise of the Planet of the APES.

Mr. Ace said... This movie was way too vulgar and used A LOT of inappropriate language. Also very few HOT TAEKS.

Paul Wall > Bubba Sparxxx

GMoney said...

I have no fucking clue who Paul Wall is.

Prime99 said...

He's on iTunes. Don't worry about it.

Mr. Ace said...

Paul Wall is known as The Iceman...and The Peoples Champ.

GMoney said...

Almost forgot about this: little kids are great for going to fetch you a fresh beer.

Anonymous said...

All the above is correct. Paul Wall is white, which is a bonus. His grill is made of diamonds so you know he's eating karats! About to hop on a flight to Norf Carolina to eat black food (Bojangle and Cookout (ELITE!))


Anonymous said...

Good: not driving to Ohio and enjoying the 50 degree weather in NC
Bad: wife was sick and not in a very jolly mood

Ide, those are two ELITE fast food joints that Northerners are missing out on. There is a Cookout a block from me, and being home from Canada the last month, I have clogged my arteries with milkshakes and BBQ plates and burgers. Enjoy!

-NC Nate