"Call me JBOO."
With only one game slated for Saturday I had to get a bit more creative since these things usually write themselves. Before we get into anything else, I actually watched the Maurice Clarett/Jim Tressel fluff piece. Now I know what Drew and Ide are talking about with ESPN being a filthy tabloid network full of hogwash and tomfoolery. Way to glorify two life long criminals, ESPN. Just disgusting! On with the show.
Army vs. Navy. I would rather be punched in the lips with 30 flaccid cocks instead of watching this shit bag game. I proudly admit I did not watch a single second of this game because both teams are boring and this rivalry sucks. I chortle at the fart holes that actually consider this to be one of the best rivalries in all of college football. It's not. How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days is a better watch. The only people that really give a shit about this game are losers like Colon T. Cowfucker and John Feinstein. Oh...and old geezers that think that Army/Navy is the last pure thing about college football. Spare me. There's a reason this game is played on a weekend by itself. It's because no one is fucking stupid enough to watch it when in direct competition with other games. Being force fed this game is the only way it will ever attract viewers. I can't tell you who won this game because I really don't care enough to click over to ESPN to find out. But I can tell you who lost. America.
I was about to compliment Mack Brown on the size of his meaty scrotes until I just saw on the ESPN ticker that he has agreed to step down as head coach. Mack Daddy had a golden opportunity to stuff it in the craw of Texas' athletic department by sticking to his guns and forcing them to fire him. Instead he goes out like a stale, whimpering fart and folds like a bitch in the end.
I guess we can bury the rumors of Moose Knuckle Saban going to Texas. Extension signed with a statement saying he never even gave Texas a thought. It was the safe play and I can't say I blame him. He can stay at ROLL DAMN LEGACY and become bigger than Bear Bryant's prostate or he could have gone back on his word AGAIN and become a bigger liar than Ide. Plus totally bombing at Texas would partially destroy Sabes' public perception of being the best coach of our generation/all time. Nice move...for a pussy.
So I happened to catch some of the Heisman presentation during the evening since there really wasn't shit else going on. Here are the highlights:
We're eating dinner when all of a sudden Wheelz chimes in, "I think that guy was sleeping. Rewind it. Nope...just texting. That's awfully rude of you to text while the white people are talking, Morgan Freeman." It was Barry Sanders. She calls every black guy Morgan Freeman. Every once in awhile she can be tolerable.
A.J. McCarron almost died when he was younger?! Who knew? But I guess that's what you get...when you let a FUCKING FIVE YEAR OLD! RIDE A FUCKING WAVE RUNNER!! Zero fucks are given in the south, apparently. Great parenting, McCarrons! By the way...A.J. McCarron was 5 in 1996. I was a Sophomore in high school in 1996. How fucking depressing is that?
Speaking of Barry Sanders...Chris Fowler right on cue: "You're in fantastic shape! Looks like you can still lace em up, harf, harf, harf!!!" How many more years are we going to do this shit? Barry is 45 years old and isn't coming back, pal. Let's do America a favor and GIVE IT A REST! I am glad Barry got himself a new tailor/stopped suit shopping at the Goodwill since the NFL draft, though. Remember this? Yeesh.
Hey there Johnny Highwaters!! Jesus Christ, son. You're a Heisman trophy winner for fucks sake...get some pants that fit. Did you steal those slacks from your 10 year old brother?
While everyone tries to figure out why Jordan Lynch was even invited to the Heisman ceremony...let's endure the Tim Tenor of the MAC statements coming from everyone. I guess the moral of the story is if your head coach flaps his cunt loud enough you can get invited to a trophy ceremony you will most certainly finish
Tom Rinaldi. Give him a rape question. Give him a rape question! GIVE HIM A RAPE QUESTION!! YES!! GOOD JOB!! I don't think Winston could have answered that question any worse. He looked nervous and wasn't very convincing. I'm stunned he even attempted to address it. My favorite part? Saying how he's enjoying his college experience. I bet you are, RapeEscape!
George Rogers in a KILLER purple suit. How very black of you.
No surprise here...Jameis Winston in a blowout win despite being left off of 150 some ballots. AWWWWWWWWWW SHIT, SON!! JBOO! JBOO WINSTON IN DA HOUSE, N-WORDS!! JBOO > Cammy Cam Cam. That acceptance speech was hilariously awful. One of the worst I've heard. Someone get that asshole some fucking speech lessons. But more importantly...WHAT WAS SO GOD DAMN HILARIOUS THE WHOLE TIME YOU WERE TALKING?! So many smirks. Was Manziel making fart noises behind you?? Were you thinking about how you got away with rape? You could just feel the eye rolling coming from the 1950's Heisman trophy winners section.
That's it, dildos. The one thing we should take away from this past Saturday that is that the most OVERRATED award in all of sports doesn't care at all that you're a raper. A close second is that ESPN loves to celebrate the lives of bad people. A distant third is FUCK YOU CAKES!!