Tuesday, December 17, 2013

College Football Week 16


"Call me JBOO."



With only one game slated for Saturday I had to get a bit more creative since these things usually write themselves.  Before we get into anything else, I actually watched the Maurice Clarett/Jim Tressel fluff piece.  Now I know what Drew and Ide are talking about with ESPN being a filthy tabloid network full of hogwash and tomfoolery.  Way to glorify two life long criminals, ESPN.  Just disgusting!  On with the show.

Army vs. Navy.  I would rather be punched in the lips with 30 flaccid cocks instead of watching this shit bag game.  I proudly admit I did not watch a single second of this game because both teams are boring and this rivalry sucks.  I chortle at the fart holes that actually consider this to be one of the best rivalries in all of college football.  It's not.  How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days is a better watch.  The only people that really give a shit about this game are losers like Colon T. Cowfucker and John Feinstein.  Oh...and old geezers that think that Army/Navy is the last pure thing about college football.  Spare me.  There's a reason this game is played on a weekend by itself.  It's because no one is fucking stupid enough to watch it when in direct competition with other games.  Being force fed this game is the only way it will ever attract viewers.  I can't tell you who won this game because I really don't care enough to click over to ESPN to find out.  But I can tell you who lost.  America.

I was about to compliment Mack Brown on the size of his meaty scrotes until I just saw on the ESPN ticker that he has agreed to step down as head coach.  Mack Daddy had a golden opportunity to stuff it in the craw of Texas' athletic department by sticking to his guns and forcing them to fire him.  Instead he goes out like a stale, whimpering fart and folds like a bitch in the end.

I guess we can bury the rumors of Moose Knuckle Saban going to Texas.  Extension signed with a statement saying he never even gave Texas a thought.  It was the safe play and I can't say I blame him.  He can stay at ROLL DAMN LEGACY and become bigger than Bear Bryant's prostate or he could have gone back on his word AGAIN and become a bigger liar than Ide.  Plus totally bombing at Texas would partially destroy Sabes' public perception of being the best coach of our generation/all time.  Nice move...for a pussy.

So I happened to catch some of the Heisman presentation during the evening since there really wasn't shit else going on.  Here are the highlights:

We're eating dinner when all of a sudden Wheelz chimes in, "I think that guy was sleeping.  Rewind it.  Nope...just texting.  That's awfully rude of you to text while the white people are talking, Morgan Freeman."  It was Barry Sanders.  She calls every black guy Morgan Freeman.  Every once in awhile she can be tolerable.

A.J. McCarron almost died when he was younger?!  Who knew?  But I guess that's what you get...when you let a FUCKING FIVE YEAR OLD!   RIDE A FUCKING WAVE RUNNER!!  Zero fucks are given in the south, apparently.  Great parenting, McCarrons!  By the way...A.J. McCarron was 5 in 1996.  I was a Sophomore in high school in 1996.  How fucking depressing is that?

Speaking of Barry Sanders...Chris Fowler right on cue: "You're in fantastic shape!  Looks like you can still lace em up, harf, harf, harf!!!"  How many more years are we going to do this shit?  Barry is 45 years old and isn't coming back, pal.  Let's do America a favor and GIVE IT A REST!  I am glad Barry got himself a new tailor/stopped suit shopping at the Goodwill since the NFL draft, though.  Remember this?  Yeesh.

Hey there Johnny Highwaters!!  Jesus Christ, son.  You're a Heisman trophy winner for fucks sake...get some pants that fit.  Did you steal those slacks from your 10 year old brother?

While everyone tries to figure out why Jordan Lynch was even invited to the Heisman ceremony...let's endure the Tim Tenor of the MAC statements coming from everyone.  I guess the moral of the story is if your head coach flaps his cunt loud enough you can get invited to a trophy ceremony you will most certainly finish dead last third in.

Tom Rinaldi.  Give him a rape question.  Give him a rape question!  GIVE HIM A RAPE QUESTION!!  YES!!  GOOD JOB!!  I don't think Winston could have answered that question any worse.  He looked nervous and wasn't very convincing.  I'm stunned he even attempted to address it.  My favorite part?  Saying how he's enjoying his college experience.  I bet you are, RapeEscape!

George Rogers in a KILLER purple suit.  How very black of you.

No surprise here...Jameis Winston in a blowout win despite being left off of 150 some ballots.  AWWWWWWWWWW SHIT, SON!!  JBOO!  JBOO WINSTON IN DA HOUSE, N-WORDS!!  JBOO > Cammy Cam Cam.  That acceptance speech was hilariously awful.  One of the worst I've heard.  Someone get that asshole some fucking speech lessons.  But more importantly...WHAT WAS SO GOD DAMN HILARIOUS THE WHOLE TIME YOU WERE TALKING?!  So many smirks.  Was Manziel making fart noises behind you??  Were you thinking about how you got away with rape?  You could just feel the eye rolling coming from the 1950's Heisman trophy winners section.

That's it, dildos.  The one thing we should take away from this past Saturday that is that the most OVERRATED award in all of sports doesn't care at all that you're a raper.  A close second is that ESPN loves to celebrate the lives of bad people.  A distant third is FUCK YOU CAKES!!

38 comments:

Grumpy said...

Never miss the Army/Navy game. Love everything about it and if you don't you should be deported.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Grumps....I respect the Army/Navy game. Is the football horrible? Yes. But, it's great tradition and the scene in the crowd is tremendous.

I'm pretty sure Winston got away with rape as well...but, he GOT OFF...so he earned that trophy. He'll rape again leaving Archie still as the GOAT.

LOLZ @ the Lions. At least when they miss the playoffs, Schwartz will probably be fired...one positive. Awful franchise. Lions, Bills and Browns fans should engage in a massive game of Russian Roulette....OBVZ the people that live are the losers.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Army/Navy is an awesome game and an event that I want to witness in person at some point. You were probably rooting for Iran because FUCK YOU ICE. How dare those shitheads play this game, graduate, and then go off to serve the country for god knows how many years. GLORY BOYS!

The 30 For 30 was Mo's story. It wasn't a documentary. It was Clarett's version of what went down. So it isn't going to be 100% FACT unfortunately.

The one thing I learned from Jameis speaking is that Florida State is one hell of a university.

Jordan Lynch deserved to be there. No doubt about it. Kid covered the spread at like an 80+% clip in college.

Hoo boy the Lions. I can't believe I'm going to say this but Tron was BAD. And I felt like mah boy, Joey Fauria, mailed in his TD celebration.

Oh well, I'm off to the MSFL Super Bowl because Burke and Ide are a joke. LS must be destroyed. Plus, I'm going to win Ape's little playoff contest, too.

The Iceman said...

Unless you're former military you're lying to yourself if you try saying you enjoy Army Navy. You're the guy that can't shut his mouth about how the book was FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR better than the film. Listen. I respect the military for what they do. I have several friends that serve. But I'm not going to pretend to enjoy their brand of football when even they probably know that it's almost impossible to watch.

Anonymous said...

I just drew K-Dawg in G$FL. Peyton is licking his chops to get back in fine form. Homey got a record to beat. LOLZ at Shagz losing to a tie. That would really burn my biscuits.

Fuck Megatron.

G$ on twitter is the harbinger of the apocalypse.

I actually don't watch the Army/Navy game. Does that make me any less of a patriot? Probably.

Ide

GMoney said...

I would rather watch Army/Navy over 90% of what the Big Ten gives us every week. I'm a sucker for a well-run option. Then again, seeing my football background, you know that I despise the forward pass.

Drooler lost with Jamaal Charles on his team. WELL DONE. I'm pulling -Rex to win the league. His tie skills are only rivaled by his flag-winning skills.

Let's GIVE IT A REST on my new-found social media presence until Friday. No need for Grumpy to continue to RUIN The Commies more than he already has.

By the way, if you recall draft night in the MSFL, FagNasty kept saying that my team sucked and I was drafting like shit or whatever. 13-1 and will be heavy favorite in the Super Bowl over George W Bush. FagNasty knows it all.

GMoney said...

By the way, Iceman, you had two weeks off last year around the holidays due to how the calendar feel. NOT THIS YEAR, BRAH! You will be required to post CHRISTmas Eve and NYE.

Actually, would you like to do the Santa Blogs post next Tuesday and give everybody some wonderful presents, you know, for CHRIST? Done. You're hired. Put on the Santa suit and cover up your boner.

The Iceman said...

Grumpy ruining G$'s Twitter coming out party was ELITE. Now Grumpy just needs to ruin G$'s coming out, coming out party.

I accept the SantaBlogs gig. Now that I think about it...I'm pretty sure I was SantaBlogs last year too. You aren't Tommy Lee Jones from Men in Blacking me are you? Training your replacement??

Anyway...Internet Santa will be way more rewarding than 2 years ago when I was ACTUAL Santa at the Wheelz family Christmas party. Here's how that conversation went down.

Wheelz: Hey. You need to be Santa tonight. No one else will do it.

Ice: Probably because these people are all crazy.

W: Correct. But you're still doing it. I already told them you would.

I: You're the worst. Fine. I'll do it. But I need about an hour.

W: Why?

I: So I can get drunk as fuck first.

W: You're not.

I: Watch me. Besides. Most of these kids fathers are alcoholics anyway. They're used to the smell.

W: Why am I with you...

I: Because I have a huge dick. Now excuse me while Santa ties one on.

Jeff said...

I was too busy watching the Jackets blow a 2 goal lead in the 3rd to care about the Heisman.

They get fucked on a review last night on a disallowed goal and end up losing by 1, of course. I swear the CBJ has never had a review go in their favor. Why the fuck does every review have to back to Toronto? I'm sure everyone would love it if every time there was challenge in the NFL the officials called up Ole Rog. The NHL is trying to hold us down, goddammit!

Jeff said...

Even the Tallahassee DA wouldn't drop the rape case of the NHL vs. CBJ. ZING!

Anonymous said...

ESPN had a scout, coach and analytics guy rank the top 25 NBA players under the age of 25. Drummond was #3....Kyrie #7.....LOLZ @G$ for thinking teams wouldn't trade Kyrie for Drummond. LOLZ...LOLZ...LOLZ. He's also on pace to be the 4th youngest All-Star ever....behind Kobe, LeBron and Magic. THAT'S RIGHT....I JUST FOUND A STAT THAT COMPARED DRUMMOND TO KOBE, LEBRON AND MAGIC.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

But not Shaq. BOOM!

I didn't watch the Army/Navy game this year, but I usually enjoy it. I imagine the Army/Navy game is to men what parades are to women. That comparison works.

Mr. Ace said...

Also, Barleys wings are just as delicious as ever. Jerk and Texas Smokedip are ELITE.

Along those lines, is there an update on Ice owing Ide ribs? I need the #FACTS.

Anonymous said...

Ape....I'm still a "Gates of Hell" guy at Barley's. Fantastic wings are fantastic.

--Drew

GMoney said...

ESPN is not a reliable source. Just a bunch of booger eaters. Or so my sources say.

Brian Roberts! He will be terrific for 20 games!

Jeff, I was waiting for the Jackets to get hosed by Toronto. It had been too long.

Anonymous said...

Gates of Hell is the ELITE sauce of Barleys for sure.

The bet, as I researched it is betting OSU vs UM records. Transcript is as follows:

Iceman - We'll still finish higher than Ohio in the Big 10 and still make a deep tourney run.

Ide - OSU will finish ahead of UM this year. Book that shit. If RibFest 3 is around the same time as it was last year (first March Madness weekend) then I'll put ribs on it.

Iceman - Ide is making a bad RibFest bet. Remember this day.

Ape - There needs to be a Seal/Drew death match/slap fight at Ribfest 3.

G$ - Iceman is just being niggardly

That last one was taken out of context, but is always apt.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I feel like Iceman's appearance on the View would've been more exciting if Dr. Phil was briefed on the above convo.

LULZ Lions!

JBOO continues to not be denied no matter how many times someone tells him "no."

Mr. Ace said...

Vegas is taking bets on who will be the next Texas HC. Vegas has moved Charlie Strong from 5:2 to 6:5. Strong to Texas, Narduzzi to L'ville?

Mr. Ace said...

Sounds like a bet to me.

GMoney said...

Texas ain't hirin' no Afroman.

Speaking of Ribfest, anyone have any preferential dates? I would like to hold it on a weekend when Ide is busy OBVZ. Grump, you want to repair your shit-stained image, why don't you spearhead the RibFest committee?

The Iceman said...

That's my fault for not being more specific. Originally it wasn't my intention to take the bet Ide was offering but by that transcript it does loosely appear that is what I indeed did. I'm a man with dick and balls so I'll own it. It doesn't really matter though. I mean...I'm sure Ide will come down with a bad case of allergies around RibFest 2014 anyway regardless of how the bet shakes out.

The Iceman said...

RibFest should always be a Saturday. I liked having it around NCAA tourney time. That's my input.

Anonymous said...

First or second weekend of NCAA tourney should suffice. I'd move NOT having it be the same day as that fucking baseball draft, therefor I can just pop in on a Saturday and leave on a Sunday wearing the same clothes and be a vagabond.

Though, inconveniencing G$ will never be not great.

Ide

GMoney said...

Yankees sign Matt Thornton...THE RICH GET RICHER!

We're going to get Lange, Nate B, JSaul, and Tonya etc. there this year. Last year was the year of Cakes and Seal's posse. This year we must raise the bar.

Also: don't invite Dut.

GMoney said...

OMG...he's done it again.

Colin T. thinks that Stafford and Romo keep blowing because they wear their hat backwards. Terrific analysis from smart man.

Prime99 said...

Therefore, Cutler is clutch because he smokes cigarettes, loves cats, and has diabeetus.

Jeff said...

Breakingish News: FAT TIRE is now available in Ohio (and whatever other beers New Belgium makes) Just got a couple 22oz at Kroger for $2.99 apiece.

GMoney said...

Buying beer on a Tuesday afternoon? ELITE!

Anonymous said...

If I win the Mega Millions tonight, I will make Slow Seal do incredibly embarrassing things at Rib Fest for cash.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Savor Growl in Clintonville is fucking ELITE when it comes to beer selection...and obvs serves up growlers.

Anonymous said...

If Drew wins Mega Millions I will come to ribfest in a Tigers bikini for $10grand - deal?

Seal

GMoney said...

If I win Mega Millions tonight, RibFest will be lunch in Memphis and dinner in Kansas City.

Anonymous said...

Tigers bikini? That could work....I'd also make Ide wear some FUBU.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Urban got another star from the south over saban. Dixon is #19 in what will be another top 3 class

Prime99 said...

I like money.

Jeff said...

I like turtles.

Mr. Ace said...

BRONSON

The Iceman said...

If I win the Mega Millions I'll buy Columbus. Then burn it to the ground.