Monday, December 09, 2013

College Football Conference Championship Week


Perfect Christmas gift for that special Buckeye fan in your life



SURPRISE MOTHER FUCKERS!  Bet you didn't expect to get the Iceman today.  Strap in, tit sacks.  Today is gonna be fuuuuuuun.  No pussy footing around with an intro.  Let's get down to fucking business.



EVERYONE SING ALONG!

On the banks of the Red Cedar, there's a school that's known to all;
Its specialty is winning and those Spartans play good ball;
Spartan teams are never beaten, all through the game they fight;
Fight for the only colors, Green and White.

Go right through for MSU, watch the points keep growing;
Spartan teams are bound to win, they're fighting with a vim!
RAH! RAH! RAH!
See their team is weakening, We're going to win this game;
FIGHT! FIGHT! RAH! TEAM, FIGHT!
Victory for MSU!

So I guess Urban Meyer IS capable of losing football games.  After all of the BROhio chest pounding and misplaced confidence, Ohio just turned out to be limp dicked premature ejaculators in the end.  Oh man did G$ ever Cakes the shit out of you fuck bags!  Top troll of 2013, my friends.  Social media was the most peaceful it's ever been after all of you God damn cowards went the way of Notre Dame fans circa last year's national championship game and disappeared back into your own vaginas.  You didn't even have the STREMPH to troll on my Facebook status like you're normally so quick to do.  Just complete silence.  What's the matter??  Not much to say after being insufferable cock wads for the last 2 years?  You faggots did this to yourselves and you deserve every last ounce of shit that comes your way.  I can't even single one person out, as much as I could love to do that.  All of you have been the worst.  The weird thing is every last one of you will probably revel in all of the backlash because Dildo Nation gets off on everyone hating them and shit talking them.  It's like some gay fucking boy scout badge you proudly wear.

Saturday was such a beautiful thing and I wish I would have hung around Cakes' place long enough to watch him lock himself in the bedroom for the rest of the night.  It's going to be awesome and hilarious to see all of the dick shining you shit stains toss Dantonio's way in an attempt to gloss over this embarrassment because he used to be a Buckeye.  And I CAN'T WAIT! to hear the excuses flow.  Because that's what you fucking losers do best.  Make excuses.  Well, that and cry tears from your pussies.  The fact is that despite the smoke and mirrors and that fraudulent #2 ranking, you were never a legitimate championship caliber team and that was finally proven Saturday.  A very average offensive team...and that's being generous...blasted your sorry asses for 34 big ones.  Imagine what Jameis "RapeEscape" Winston would have tuned you up for.  Nice defense, Rich Rod.  Start handing the skirts out.  You guys are Oregon lite.  Soft and turd-like.  Hey!  Remember how Minnesota held Sparty to 14 points last week?  Jerry Kill > Urban Meyer.  Seizures > Fake Heart Attacks.  Ohio is officially everything that you hated about other teams that were "unfairly" ranked ahead of you.  So in the end...I guess you CAN'T hang with anyone in the country if you can't even win your own garbage conference.  Glad we finally buried that nasty rumor that Ohio fans have been incorrectly broadcasting for months.  Go crawl back into your fucking holes and wait to choke again next year.  Now...cue up the deflection to Michigan and how poor of a season they had and/or how bitter their fans are in a sad attempt to take the focus off of absolutely shitting the bed on Saturday.  Something else you guys are really, really good at.

Believe it or not, there were other games this past weekend too.  Florida State predictably waxed Duke's ass Saturday.  It was a close one for a little while...then the second quarter started and RapeEscape Winston decided to put a death grip on the Heisman trophy race.  Still the dumbest trophy in all of sports.

ROLL ALONG!  YOU BG WARRIORS!  ROLL ALONG AND FIGHT FOR B! G! S! U!  Talk about some MACTION!  Eh, whatever.  I'm not gonna sit here and pretend to know shit about Bowling Green football.  I don't.  All I know is that now the Northern IlliNOISE head coach can shut his fucking toilet about Jordan Lynch being in the Heisman talk.  I will say it was pretty cool to see my Alma Mater win the MAC...but I'm not going to celebrate it like I'm this humongous fan of their sports teams.  I bet some STDs were spread like wildfire that night though!

So much for defense in the ESS EEE SEE championship game.  Looked like two fucking Arena Football league teams slugging it out.  While Wheelz and I were eating our dinner at this shit hole known as Paddy Jacks, I overheard some cunt faced Ohio fan pissing and moaning about how they should just call the national championship the SEC championship game.  And how there's this big conspiracy going on to get an SEC team in the national championship game every year.  Take the fucking tin foil hat off, lunatic.  Anyway, Auburn vs. FSU should be a good one.

Baylor should be kicking themselves in the dick right about now.  One bad game away from playing for the national championship.  I didn't watch any of this game but I see they played Texas.  And since Texas can't decide from week to week if they want to be ranked or not, I imagine it wasn't a very tough game for the Bears.  I also bet Case McCoy tried feeling up some of the Baylor players.  He just reminds me of that gay Prince Edward dude from Braveheart.

I see Oklahoma State really capitalized on the momentum of blasting Baylor last week.  Way to piss in your faces against your instate rival.  I bet Justin BlackMAN was so angry over this loss he ripped through a case of Olde English.  Lesbehonest...like Justin BlackMAN really needs a reason to get gassed on 40s of OE.  It being Monday is a good enough reason for him to get cranked.

Stanford FINALLY went back to playing Stanford football to cap off an undefeated season of playing Stanford football.  Somehow they're getting over looked for a chance to play the only other unbeaten college football team, Florida State.  I would be outraged if I were a Stanford Cardinal fan right now.  I mean...what else do you have to do, outside of playing Stanford football, to get a chance to scrap it out in a national championship game?!  I guess just a regular ol' BCS game will have to do.  That BCS system...buncha fuckin monsters I tell ya.

That will do it for this special Monday edition of college football.  The comments should be extra periody and whiny today so bring your maxi pads and rain coats.  There's nothing quite as entertaining as the butt hurt Fuckeye fan.  An extra hearty FUCK YOU CAKES!!!!

50 comments:

Anonymous said...

Meh we lost. Our defense played like shit and our offense did as expected against the nations top defense. Nothing else to say. No excuses can be made.

Those penalties were so fucking stupid on our part. Everyone of them were unnecessary.

Excuses will flow tomorrow with the Browns game, however.

Ide

Nate said...

The Orange Bowl against Clemson is not a bad consolation prize. Bradley Roby / Sammy Watkins matchup should be interesting.

Their defense is just as bad as ours, so it'll probably be a shootout.

I'll take some additional joy in watching Florida State end the SEC's streak of BCS wins.

Where is Michigan going bowling?

Grumpy said...

First two posts are hilarious. Now it's no big deal and playing Clemson is cool.

MAYDAY!

The Iceman said...

Nate is the winner! The first "YEAH?! BUT WHERE IS MICHIGAN GOING?!?!?" post of the day clocking in at 6:51am. Fine work.

This isn't about Michigan and their awful season. We've already done those posts. Now it's your turn so sit back and take your medicine like a good little Fuckeye.

Right, Grumpy. There was zero talk of the satisfaction that comes with a consolation prize up until now. Funny how reality crashing down can change things.

Anonymous said...

No, the real crime is you pandering to your 'other rival' and openly cheering and congratulating MSU. Get fucked you wannabe fan. We have been over this plenty, you never cheer for your rivals, and you sure as fuck don't post their fight song and rah rah all over them. I guess that's a luxury of not going to UM.

What is our medicine exactly? We have lost one game to a very good team in a pretty close contest, and you want us to beg to play in the Buffalo Wild Wings bowl. Oh no, we didn't make the BCS NCG that everyone said we shouldn't be in!!! Oh no, we look at the silver lining, because, unlike Michigan, we have something to look forward to!!!

This OSU hate post would have worked better from any other person. Having some fan of a little sister school like Michigan talk shit about our first loss in two years when their school had 5 fucking losses, seems petty. You should realize how fucking stupid you look for harping on a team for losing to a top ten team when your season was a complete shit heap AND you lost to us.

You remind me of those mexican kids who always run to get their older brothers to fight their battles because they can't do it themselves.

How's that?

Ide

GMoney said...

There's Ide doing his best Nate impression by deflecting his shame onto others. Not gonna work.

Our offense did as expected? You expected 24 points? You are such an Urban Liar.

You lost by double digits. Absolutely not a close game. When you lose by that amount, the game was never close. EVER.

Face it, Mark Dantonio is just a superior football coach to Urb. I've got facts on my side to prove it.

I will talk more about my brilliant performance on Saturday but I need to get some work done first. Just know that it went swimmingly and absolutely not niggardly. I could not have had a better time on Saturday night. Hell, Mr. Ace and I were so happy that we were damn close to running off to CA to get married (Prime said he would go). The joy was running rampant.

OHIO SUCKS. You can't just say "meh, whatever". That should hurt. A lot. You don't hire Urban Frank Meyer 3 to be conference runner-ups. You hire him to win national titles. This season WAS A FAILURE. Admit it. At least Luke Fickell can recruit, right, Drooler???

Mr. Ace said...

O H...

Watching that game at the Stube was the best. I have never experienced a soul crushing that was so satisfying. I couldn't get this Teddy KGB quote out of my head, "It hurts doesn't it? Your hopes dashed, your dreams down the toilet. And your fate is sitting right besides you."

Nate B cried in his car immediately after the game.

Dut almost got beat up.

Damman chugged cherry bombs.

And G$ reveled in the glory of completing his greatest life achievement; Trolling so hard and pulling off the Fuckeye jinx. Brilliant.

Watching Urbz get Tresselballed was fantastic.

Smooth Jazz wins that game.

Nate said...

Don't think for a minute you wouldn't trade places with us, Iceman.

Your program sucks, your coach talks like he has down syndrome, and your President uses a stroke condition to downplay her alcoholism.

You only wish you could fall back on beating your arch rival as your main point of satisfaction.

Dantonio is a very good coach, but not as good as Meyer. Pat Narduzzi is arguably the best coordinator in the nation and as G$ pointed out in his posts last week, a solid defense will always beat an unstoppable offense.

I can admit we're not even the best team in our conference, but don't kid yourselves. Once our program has much more depth and a solid DC, we'll get there.




Anonymous said...

"You lost by double digits. Absolutely not a close game. When you lose by that amount, the game was never close. EVER."

Ugh, so this is the retardation that's going to be on display today?

See you guys tomorrow for NFL talk!

Ide



Nate said...

Ace is only jealous he witnessed first hand the most impressive parking job known to man.

Watching the game at the Stube was fun. The minute they install a toilet seat in the men's bathroom will be the end of that place.

The Iceman said...

We're already up to two Fuckeyes deflecting to Michigan's bad season. And it's only 8:45. Could be a record day, guys.

Jeff said...

Stupid penalties, missed tackles, dropped passes, terrible play calling all combine to lose that game. Yea the loss hurt. LOLZ at that game was never close and smooth jazz wins that. Trolls be hungry. Still take the state of OSUs program over almost anyone's, especially since sabecakes will be at Texas soon. Should be some fireworks in the Orange Bowl

Anonymous said...

"You lost by double digits. Absolutely not a close game. When you lose by that amount, the game was never close. EVER."

You were totally a winner and wayy better than anyone here until you said this. Dont be dumb.

God I am so excited to hear Drew's terrible excuses. There is no letting this go from him considering we all had to hear for months how Urban would never lose a game. So very fitting that another one of Drew's teams chokes. Loser's, just like the Tigers.

Seal

The Iceman said...

"you never cheer for your rivals, and you sure as fuck don't post their fight song and rah rah all over them"

I wasn't openly cheering for MSU. But I WAS openly happy to see Ohio get exposed and blow it. Am I not allowed to bask in the failures of a hated rival?

And you DO post the MSU fight song when you know it will get under someone's skin. I thought it was a nice touch, too.

GMoney said...

Urban Meyer's current streak is at 1. 1 loss in a row. Dude can't even win a game. Might as well change his last name to Treadwell.

When you are the favorite and lose by double digits, I wouldn't call that close. And I would know because I am a huge Buckeye fan and thus am an expert on everything.

I have no respect for the 100 pound woman who almost beat up Dut. FINISH HIM!!!

My report from behind enemy lines will come in the time slot usually used for The Walking Dead recap. You will enjoy it.

Anonymous said...

So we make excuses, that's not allowed. We try to get past it and look forward to the Orange Bowl, that's not allowed either. Please tell us how we are supposed to act and we can all get on with our lives.

The defense is obviously piss poor. But the play calling in the 4th quarter was obsurd. They never really stopped Hyde, but we stopped giving him the ball.

Whatever, it was better to get punked now than by FSU in the big one. I pretended the defensive issues would work themselves out, I was wrong. We'll get that shit fixed next year.

Oh by the way, Marcus Hall didn't see the field on Saturday but I'm sure that was oversight leaving that out, Ice, since you are this site's morality police.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

One would think if Urban can't win the shitty big 10 next year in his 3rd year at the OSU helm, they may start calling for his head?

J Saul

The Iceman said...

"Whatever, it was better to get punked now than by FSU in the big one"

Love it. Whatever happened to "We can beat anybody"? Reality is a big, fat, green bearded bitch that can crush your soul.

GMoney said...

All I know is that Urban Meyer's career has shown us that winning the SEC is way easier than winning the B1G. No one ever talks about that. They just want to camp all of their investigative reporters around here and make up lies to bring us down. I'm sick of it!

JSaul is all aboard the #FIREMEYER trolley!

I'll tell you how Iceman wants us to act. He wants us all to suck his dick because he is a H8R FAGGOT! Well, I won't do it. We lost that game because Urban was eating Papa John's. Everyone knows that winners eat Hot & Readys.

Grumpy said...

Urban has to take the blame for Hyde only getting 18 carries. Jordan Hall: 1 carry, 13 yds.

Anonymous said...

Nice to see that Iceman still has his odd fascination that people should run to whichever social media platform they use and discuss their team's loss immediately....even tho pretty much everyone has told him that that's an incredibly stupid opinion.

I had an incredible time in Indy up until the end of that game. Non-stop partying....haven't been as hungover as I was yesterday in a hot minute....two very big days/nights in that city. Fun times.

My drunken thoughts on the game....

*Our safeties are horrible. Really hope Pitt Brown doesn't play a snap in the Orange Bowl, so that I don't have to see him play again. Christian Bryant on one leg has to be better.

*Still not sure why we didn't Roll Hyde all game long...especially in the second half. He was getting his against the MSU defense.

*Hated that Hyde wasn't in on the 3rd down play in the 4th...also didn't like the 4th down play call.

*MSU was the better team on Saturday....won fair and square. It is what it is.

*If we win hte Orange Bowl, it will be a very good season. That game should last about 6 hours.

*Joey Bosa is a freak of nature...gonna be a first round pick after just three years.

Ide is also spot on the humor of a Michigan fan making this post.

--Drew

GMoney said...

MSU is a better team every day. We need to comes to grips with this.

Bosa was great but it's about time to lynch Spence. Dude sucks. Probably high on crack.

If you rearrange the letters in ORANGE, you can almost spell Commenter Jeff's last name. I look forward to redemption in the Erogan Bowl.

Jeff said...

My real first name is obvz, E. Jeff

Prime99 said...

When is the wedding, G$? It will definitely be in the Castro district of SF, so everyone bring your butthole protectors.

The #predictionsdrewmade keep rolling in this year. Fantastic.

The Iceman said...

Someone had to win this game, Drew. While I'm not going to openly cheer for MSU, you bet your ass I'm going to cheer about an Ohio loss. That's what this post was about. Celebrating Ohio's failures and URBZ having the same number of Big 10 titles as Hoke.

Anonymous said...

Well, Urbz has had one chance to Hoke's 3...so, that's an odd comparison. But, if that makes you feel better then so be it.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Just as a reminder, Urb was brought here to win national titles; not Big Ten worthless hardware. FAILURE.

Brady said...

We lost. Defense sucked. No excuses here.

ORANGE BOWL BOUND!!!!!

GMoney said...

JINX REPORT!

*I made my intentions clear on Friday for what I was going to do. While there was never any doubt in my mind, there is still a lot of pressure to perform under such high stakes. I mean, this was the big time. People just don't do this. This could easily blow up in my face.

*I strapped on my trusty Ohio Football t-shirt (does not get worn in public ever) and headed to the bar. I was the last at the table to arrive but it was a damn impressive crowd. It might be described best as a mini-Ribfest and took up position in between Mr. and Mrs. Ace at the head of the table where I belong because I knew that Mr. Ace would be there to support me on this big day.

*Everyone else thought that I was being adorbs for dropping we's and us's to discuss our great team. Although one who did not care for it was Damman who kept getting more and more mad with every clap that I administered after a nice play by my beloved home team.

*Ape will be the first to admit that I never broke character. I high-fived all of my bros after touchdowns. I never celebrated any positive play from Sparty. I gave an Oscar-worthy performance. These morons were all about high-fiving me on touchdowns and I slapped them back harder than they were trying to give it to me. GO BUX!

*The game-clinching touchdown run ended it all though. Let's go around the table (clockwise!):

Mrs. Ace - silent and hoping that her husband does not make a scene
Dut - silent and stroking his beard
Damman - who knows, he was already at the bar closing out his tab which might have been the funniest thing that I've ever seen...he was the Keyser Soze of losing football games--POOF--he was gone
Hellraiser - contemplating suicide
Mrs. Dash and Dawn Hoskins - I don't know...talking about vaccuums or recipes or something
-Rex - thinking about how great his new Buckeye flag is
Nate - on the verge of tears
Lange - enjoying the show provided by the two guys on his left
Mr. Ace - RECORDING THE FOOTAGE FROM A SILENT BAR AND CACKLING LIKE A BASTARD
And finally G$ - Giving his best downtrodden face but then finally breaking and LOLing like I've never LOL'd before

*Ape and I did a celebratory Fireball while the entire bar cleared out within three minutes of Mark Dantonio smiling for the first time ever. It was a hell of a sight. Bunch of fake fans if you ask me.

I did my job. I showed up when the lights were brightest. You think that I can win? No way, son. I am the worst and by worst I mean best. O-H!!!

GMoney said...

By the way, I couldn't recommend "being a fan of your enemy" any more. It is wonderful. You get to say really dumb things all night long. You take every moronic thing that those people have ever said, say it in your ow words, and hopefully they can see how dumb they sound. For example:

*I got to call Jameis a rapist
*Claim that if he went "here", the NCAA would have shut the program down
*Call Carlos Hyde the best RB in football history
*Claim SEC bias
*Call everyone haters

And in the end, I lost. It was a tough loss, too. I'll never forget it. This one will haunt me for a coon's age.

Anonymous said...

I don't think I would have fun being a "fan of my enemy".

I did see an Ohio State fan get arrested for public intoxication around 3:30 in the morning on my drunken stroll back to the hotel. I stood there listening to the cop read him his rights until I realized that I should probably get the fuck away or risk finding myself in the same predicament.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Drew - no one cares that you had fun and got drunk in Indy with your queer friends. Stop trying to change the subject like youre all happy with how the weekend played out. Hiding that Michigan State crushed your gay dreams is hilarious. Im sure your happy ass smiled and laughed with your friends as State shoved your BCS title dreams right up your ass.

Your beloved team lost.. choked even. Your favorite coach lost. Didn't even win the shitty B1G. And you look like a giant douche for all the terrible posts you wrote about Urban Meyer never losing a football game.

Get fucked, loser.

Seal

Anonymous said...

It was trolling at its finest, well played sir.

Although I could think of better circumstances, any excuse to gather all those fine beards in one room is good by me.

I refuse to allow this loss to take away from what's really important, free flags.

-Rex

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ how mad Slow Seal is and nobody is even discussing any of his teams...nice win over Baylor by the way...oh wait....LOLZ.

I haven't changed the subject you dolt. I put my opinions on the game, the loss and the bad play-calling. You seem jealous that someone may actually have friends to go to sporting events iwth if those stories make you mad. Also, Urban Meyer is not my favorite coach...Thad Matta is 1st with Mike Babcock in second. I'd say Urban Meyer is my 3rd favorite coach currently. He is indeed my favorite college football coach though.

But, Urban Meyer is 24-1 at Ohio State. So, instead of winning 100% of his games...he now just wins 96%....oh well.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

I can confirm. It was GLORIOUS!

I told you clowns that your outside weapons were ass. Turns out that is a #FACT. Braxton did miss on a few crucial passes. Passes that Smooth Jazz would make. Smooth Jazz at QB with Braxton and Hyde at his side. That's the best Fuckeye offense.

Good thing Mrs. Ace got me out of there when she did. I blacked out before we got to the car.

The Iceman said...

"Damman - who knows, he was already at the bar closing out his tab which might have been the funniest thing that I've ever seen...he was the Keyser Soze of losing football games--POOF--he was gone"

This was my favorite part. Cakes might be a long lost relative of Damman's. Cakes has the exact same finishing move.

Keep poking the bear, Seal. I love it.

Anonymous said...

Grats Ace. You are the first person to actually make a statement about the game. The rest of these stupid fucks, namely the author, didn't even source the game, just the fact that we lost.

Prime99 said...

G$- any chance you are cheering for the Cowboys tonight?

GMoney said...

I can not do that even though I should since I'm something like 0-10 betting on Pedophile Trestman this year.

Thanks for mentioning him, Ape. I also got to yell, in true knuckle-dragging fashion, that Smooth Jazz should be playing.

Drooler just mad because Seal owns his ass. OWNS IT!

Free flag on a game that you missed the total score by three touchdowns is ELITE predicting. NW Signal just doesn't bring it like they used to.

There is a big scary former Ohio OL that frequents the Stube on game days and afterwards, as I was ordering those celebration shots from 22 with the shit-eatingest grin of all time, he told me to take that shirt off. Then he started laughing because he couldn't the player, only the game.

Anonymous said...

G$ - did you wear the Buckeye shirt the entire night, or did you have a back-up for after you came out of character?

Seal

GMoney said...

Just to clear things up: Mark Dantonio and Sparty didn't beat Ohio. I did.

As Abraham Lincoln said at the end of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure..."SPARTY ON, DUDES"!!!

GMoney said...

Seal, I didn't hang around for too long after the game because I HAD to get to Taco Bell before heading home. It was my only shirt which was a must because any other shirt would have been a lack of commitment to the role I was born to play.

Next question.

GMoney said...

My only regret from my foray into social retardation is not discussing recruiting. That was a huge mistake on my part.

GMoney said...

If anon wants stremphy analysis, here is something: I said when Broxton busted off that 40+ yard run while down 17-0 that that was pointless because you weren't going to beat MSU with broken plays. You must play Stanford Football.

GMoney said...

Very disappointing commenting day. It's as if half of us are stuffed on humble pie*.




*humble pie made with 10 tons of diarrhea

Prime99 said...

Us commentors are not playing Stanford football.

Mr. Ace said...

Can't believe Toledo didn't get picked up for a bowl. That is the real travesty of this weekend.

GMoney said...

I just saw that. I think the bowls are furious that you lost your Glory Hole on the final week of the regular season.

MuDawgfan said...

Pat Narduzzi is arguably the best coordinator in the nation


Is this real life? Did someone really write this and mean it?

Mr. Ace said...

MuDawg...that's a pretty accurate statement. He has put together a nasty defense with middling recruits for three straight years now. He's no Al Borges, but definitely in that top group.