Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Assessing the Ass-y Bowl Season

I DRESS MYSELF!
Once again Tuesday college football posts are sadly coming to a close. I know it's everyone's favorite day with all of the HOT TAEKS that go on. So let's bullet point this bitch for one of the last times this year. StanGina should be rock hard and about to spray his sex load all over the screen right about now. Before I forget, I hope you all have a terrible New Year's filled with disappointment and maybe some self inflicted anal abuse. For the record, until we find another Tuesday guy...I'm pretty much mailing Tuesdays in because I'm lazy and look like a Rob Ford/Roger Goodell love child.

*There wasn't a whole lot of MACtion going on Thursday. BGS-AIDS and Northern IlliNOISE both lost but the real story was how Ford Field ran out of Little Caesar's pizza at the Little Caesar's Bowl. Hundreds of fans went home that night completely bummed they didn't get the chance to splash their diarrhea over the Ford Field stalls. I'm not sure why people were so pissed. That shit is barely pizza.

*The Minnesota Fighting Seizures' dream season ended with a loss. I heard Jerry Kill tried committing suicide by attending a TransSiberian Orchestra concert. Better than when URBZ was caught drowning his sorry in a 14" Papa Johns pepperoni, I suppose.

*Michigan ended their season exactly the way they should have. With a massive LOLZ. I'm sure the mouth breathing Fuckeye trolls were out in full force Saturday since they have nothing else better to do on a Saturday night. I'm betting Cakes was the worst because he is always the worst. For all of the H8ERZZ out there, did you notice the Hokester wearing a head set? Now if he can just ditch the squishy D-Cups...

*Notre Dame is for gays. Gays named Larry. How do you let such a butt team like Rutgers hang all game? Getting their snatches worked by Alabama last year really fucked the Irish up, eh? Maybe they need another player to kill off a fake girlfriend so they have something to rally behind next year. All I know is that Jimmy Clausen would be ashamed of the product Saturday night. All the Notre Dame players owe Aaron Craft 100 up downs. At least it looks like Notre Dame will get that cheater Golson back next year when Rees graduates and goes back to punching cops in the nuts when hammered.

*Theodore Bridgewater just did himself a million favors with that performance against Miami. There's no doubt he'll be the first quarterback off the board. He should be, anyway. Do the Texans have the pills to take him first overall? Bridgewater is probably hoping for that so the Browns don't completely ruin him.

*BYU and Washington. Ugh. The college football equivalent to missionary sex. No one cares about this game unless you're Mormon or Colin T. Cowherd.

*Did Mack Brown win his last game ever last night?  Do I look like I give a fuck?  Fun story: my father-in-law who looks like Mack Brown decided to grow a beard this year.  My wife is a million years old and can't remember him ever trying this before.  It.  Looks.  Terrible.  I wanted to laugh in his face constantly over Christmas but I only save that kind of treatment for Dut's beard. Older men experimenting with facial hair is solid comedy. 

*Todd McShay has Johnny Manziel (playing tonight) going in the top 5.  TOP FIVE.  Chew on that for a few minutes and then tell me that Broxton Milner shouldn't turn pro/the Skins won't get shit for Cousins.

That will do it. Just like a promised. A complete and total mail in post to gear you up for New Year's. A new Tuesday poster should be announced in the next couple of weeks. Hand picked by myself because I am better than all of you. I'm sure most of you will be 2 or 3 drinks away from alcohol poisoning tomorrow. I just ask that you go the extra mile and take that last shot or drink that last beer. There's no shame in spending Jan. 1 getting your stomach pumped in the emergency room by a nurse with a hairy mole on her lip. Happy New Year, N-Words!

FYI, I will probably throw up some sort of open thread tomorrow in case you are bored (and you will be) and want to rip on college kids making bad football plays.  Should be a HOOT!

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

ND let Rutgers hang around because they had to settle for five fields. Doesn't matter how good of a "game manager" your qb is when he gets in the redzone. You need to be able to throw into tight windows or be mobile something Rees is unable to do. Offense should be explosive next year with Golson back but the defense will need to fill some holes.

Bynum back to the Lakers and Rodgers may be gay

http://radaronline.com/exclusives/2013/12/aaron-rodgers-rumor-gay-kevin-lanflisi-lover-green-bay-packers-nfl-lgbt/

Larry

Jeff said...

Way to go out with a bang UM. No way they hold onto Jabril Peppers the way they ended this season. Hoke, HE GONE!

GMoney said...

Aaron Rodgers is gay with Ryan Braun. His jizz was the reason why Braun failed all those drug tests probably. HOT TAKE.

I'm glad that Larry is commenting on the reg now. We needed a ridic ND homer and now we have one. Let's get him up on a scissor lift post haste!

I wish I would have stayed up to watch Todd Graham lose last night because that guy is a shit. Damn sad that I'm going to miss RichRod's bowl win this afternoon though. I AM A TURD.

Anonymous said...

If the Cavs can flip Bynum for Pau or Deng Bang, it would go from a good low risk signing to a hell of a signing....which is why it probably won't happen.

Jeff...Peppers ain't going anywhere...not that it really matters. That Michigan team/program is a shell of what they used to be. They are levels away from being relevant on the National level. Hoke's a joke...Borges is a tard that saves awesome 2pt conversion plays for the end of bowl games that are already over...and Mattison is OVERRATED as he seems to have no idea how to stop college spread offenses. They are a mess all over. WHERE WERE ALL THE MICHIGAN FANS ON SOCIAL MEDIA AT 2A.M. AFTER GETTING WHOOPED IN THE BUFFALO WILD WINGS BOWL??!?!? LOLZ.

This stat shows just how terrible Michigan football's current state is...

Michigan football has lost 5+ games 5 times since 2008. Ohio State football has lost 5+ games 4 times since 1967.

Rich Rod bowl should be fun today....I expect UCLA to hammer that VT ass too.

B1G BBall conference slate opens up today too at 1p.m with OSU @ Purdon't.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I wish the bulls would trade deng for Bynum because that would save them $20+ million. However I don't see the deal happening because Deng is not resigning with the Cavs. Bulls are either going to let him walk or sign resign. Neither are appealing to me.

Larry

GMoney said...

The Cavs won't get squat for Bynum because why would any team give them anything at all when they're probably going to cut him in a week? Plus Chris Grant sucks. Although Deng is intriguing because we suck cocks at SF and would probably be a playoff team with him (LOL NO we suck).

The Bulls should do that to make up for all of those times that Jordan beat up those really good Cavs teams.

Great point on WE ON fans not showing up like men at 2 AM on Saturday night to take their social media medicine anally. Bunch of pussies and fake fans IMHO.

Anonymous said...

Teams are not trading for Bynum because they want him. They are trading for him because his contract will save them $$

Larry

GMoney said...

You're wrong. They're trading for him possibly to improve the locker room dynamic and put a coach or two in their place OBVZ.

Andrew Bynum defines Glue Guy.

GMoney said...

The glue is semen and it's in your wife by the way.

Prime99 said...

I've said that Aaron Rodgers is GAY for years! Even if Rodgers is gay, he is definitely still GAY.

LOLZ Michigan!

GMoney said...

Have any of you Big Lot Buckeyes heard why Noah Spence isn't down in Miami yet? Has garbage website Eleven Pussies reported any hot goss on this? My guess is that his plane ticket is underneath his work boots or whatever that stupid punchline is.

Speaking of Michigan, pretty awful effort for The Moe Man's final Wolverines game. He deserved better than that. Too much lolly-gagging.

YES! One of my robot words is FACT!

Anonymous said...

They just said that it's "personal reasons" and they should find out today whether he will make it or not. It definitely doesn't sound like he's in any sort of trouble...which makes hte situation pretty odd. In regards to trouble...I'd like to know what super Spartan Legacy Max Bullough did to get suspended for the biggest game Sparty has had in decades. I bet his Granpappy and Pops are just beating teh shit out of him with belts right now.

--Drew (In case you forgot...2013 COY)

Nate said...

There were rumors going around that either Noah was having a child or there was a funeral for his family.

I'm just going to assume he had a child that died.

Anonymous said...

Nate wins comment of the day.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

The Fighting Fickell's defense is going to be even more terrible than usual this week. Spence, Roby, and Grant are all possibly out. I think Spence has some baby mamma problems or some shit. Fuck, Clemson will be moving the ball at will.

NC Nate

Randall Stevens said...

"Michigan football has lost 5+ games 5 times since 2008"

DickRod years don't count.

So Michigan fans should have shown up on social media after the game to face the music of all the shit talking they DIDN'T do all year? Call me crazy...but I remember all Michigan fans admitting this team wasn't any good around week 6. What do you want, Drew? Fans to show up and confirm yet again something they had already admitted weeks ago? Nice attempt at humor, bruh.

Rodgers 69s with BJ Raji. He's a chubby chaser.

Andrew Bynum is too much fun to retire. I hope teams still give this guy a chance to fucking grenade their locker rooms.

Larry...Rees sounds like the perfect QB for the Browns to draft.

Anonymous said...

Rich Rod years don't count? LOLZ....OK...all Cooper losses to Michigan don't count then. LOLZ.

The dumbest thing you guys keep saying is "we told you they weren't good". You got smoked in a bowl game bruh...show up on all social media platforms like you claim all sports fans must do after events. You better have even been on Google+.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Randall Stevens is a myspace guy through and through.

Nate B is picking Spence to have an Adrian Peterson issue then. I approve. If he misses the game because of that, the former assbrick who used to write here on Tuesdays will approve of how he mourns.

I wonder if Fickell is aware that he is in a win or you're fired game on Friday. Because it should be. Withers saw the writing on the wall.

I can't wait to give Jeff a ton of shit on Twitter on Friday no matter how the game plays out because he loses automatically.

Max Bullough was suspended because he forgot to bring his lunch pail with him to Pasadena. Dantonio doesn't stand for that.

Anonymous said...

Fickell's job is not in jeopardy. He'll be a Co-DC in name only with the hiring of the new guy...whomever that guy may be. Fickell was an excellent LB coach when Heacock was the DC and he's an excellent recruiter. Withers was forced out.

--Drew

Jeff said...

Def wish the bowls would've lined up differently with OSU playing Bama and Clemson playing Oklahoma.

I automatically WIN. I'll be celebrating a BCS bowl win tonight, before anyone else can!

Randall Stevens said...

No, Drew. Again, you are wrong. What I have said is that if you are a cock bag shit talker and you spend all year flapping your pussy lips about how great your team is/how unbeatable they are, then you show up and take your fucking medicine when they lose. How would it make any sense whatsoever to show up on social media after a loss when you've already told the world your team is bad? "Hey guys...I know we covered this 6 weeks ago and a few other weeks in between. But I'm here again to tell you how bad we are after this bowl game loss. Thanks. I'll get out of your hair now." Seriously. We need a recount for COTY.

Anonymous said...

Jeff doesn't even know what night the game is....that's his Clemson side talking.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

LOLZ....changin' the rules. Much like you want to change Michigan's records for periods of time. I hope you were on AOL Instant Messenger too...don't forget about that one.

--Drew

Jeff said...

I started celebrating a BCS bowl win when the game was announced. LOLZ at you making dumb ASSumptions.

Anonymous said...

Jeff...if that's the case, then please get on all social media platforms ASAP to take in your loss as well. Those are one person's rules around here....LOLZ.

--Drew

Jeff said...

I've been taking the loss pretty hard on LinkedIn.

Prime99 said...

Friendster is probably a great place to talk about UM losses.

GMoney said...

This Randall Stevens sounds familiar...probably didn't even go to Michigan.

No way, bro, if one of your teams loses then you are a loser.

I will never understand Drooler's obsession with "Luke Fickell: ELITE coach". He is not. He keeps proving this. When was the last time that you put a LB into the NFL? Little Animal? The LBs are never the STREMPH of the team any more as they used to and should be. You would be so much better without him looking like a moron all the time.

What am I even arguing? KEEP FICKELL!

GMoney said...

Randall's Christian Mingle profile BLEW UP on Saturday night with taunts from avid K-State fans.

Randall Stevens said...

Take notes, gents. To be COTY you must be a liar and put words into people's mouths. Ide is the front runner for 2014 COTY.

Anonymous said...

LavaGirl...Nelson..Randall...loser...whatever you are...everyone here seems to disagree with you as per the jokes above. I bet the Michigan fans were taking the loss hard on FarmersOnly.

G$...He's got the best LB class in the nation coming in...the LB's will be studs again in the very near future.

--Drew

GMoney said...

What's the point of bringing in studs if you can't coach?

Basically, Luke Fickell is Brady Hoke except that no one wants to promote him and run their program into the ground because they know that he sucks.

You just got served, "COY" in name only. Your production is plummeting.

Anonymous said...

Except he has coached ELITE LB groups when he was just coaching them.

I have decided that if the Buckeyes lose to Clemson, I will take my social media sulking to Craiglist. Not sure which forum it'll be under....possibly the guys looking for girls...but, I'll be chatting up about the game there. See ya there!

--Drew

GMoney said...

There we go...Drooler is saying that Fickell is too stupid to be anything other than a LB coach (which is very true). He is too incompetent to handle them AND calling plays. Drooler said it.

Dude hasn't done a good job with his position since nineteen dickety two. He needs to go and you know this even though you won't accept it.

ADMIT THAT I AM RIGHT.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the Spence baby rumor is bogus...back to having no clue what the issues are.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$...I pretty much said that above, when I said that he was a good LB coach when Heacock was the DC. I agree that it's pretty obvious he can't handle both.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I accept your apology. Now say you're sorry to all of my bros on Black People Meet.

Prime99 said...

Ide can handle the Black People Meet apologies. He's on there ALL DAY.

Anonymous said...

Randall Stevens better get on his Adult Friend Finder account now and take whats coming to him about Michigan

Mr. Ace said...

Instagram was full of sad Michigan duck faces at 2 am.

The Fuckeyes always have one of the best LB's or LB classes coming in. They haven't developed shit at that position in a long time. Are the Fuckeyes really gonna pay Fuckell 750k for another year to coach lb's? Can't see it. And if they do how are players going to respect that guy? I do hope he stays tho.

I called the LULZ before the bowl game. Also called DG98 not playing in the bowl game immediately after THE GAME. Still love that kid.

DickRod going HAM right now. I hope we never have to face him.

GMoney said...

Michigan fired RichRod because they couldn't handle all the success that he was going to bring. They'd much rather worry about Domino's Pizza instead of focusing on WINNING FOOTBALL GAMES.

Thank you, Ape. Ohio brings in ELITE LBs all the fucking time and almost all of them underachieve. Why? Because they are poorly coached. FACT.

GMoney said...

Am I allowed to win Commenter of the Year? Because I earn it every single day.