|The fuck is Private Joker doing here???|
BradyCakes - You tried to call me out on my gambling recommendations AND my call that the Bengals would steamroll the Browns. You failed miserably. DO NOT challenge my authority again. If you can't beat the JV (Iceman), don't step up to the Varsity (me).
The Texas Tornado Kerry Von Erich - ELITE dead 90's wrestler reference! That was such bullshit that the Bears game was delayed two hours for a tornado warning. Dick Butkus once played in an apocalypse. FACT! Stop delaying games. Danger makes it better. Joe Flacco can't pass in ideal conditions so I can't imagine how great he would be in a twister.
The Atlanta Falcons - This might be the worst team in the NFL. When you get bombed by The Schiano Men (assistant coached by Dave Wannstedt!), that is not good. I would like to mention that I picked the Falcons, Texans, and Packers to all miss the playoffs this season. It really makes up for that Skins Super Bowl pick. Well, maybe not entirely. NEVER AGAIN.
Geno Smith - Jesus Christ, are the Jets really going to alternate wins and losses all year? On those even games AKA losses, they don't leave much doubt, do they? They just straight up get killed and the QB is poop. Big fan of starting the Jets D in two leagues this week thinking that there is no way that EJ could be good in the wind. Good call, Aguatto!
Jim Schwartz - That game is on you, pal, and that fucktarded fake field goal decision. To be fair, the Steelers played really well but to be even fairer, that shouldn't matter. Grumpy and Jeff just rotisseried Drew and that is a hilarious visual (Jeff has mouth, Grump OBVZ has Drooler brown eye). I was going to mention Ike Taylor here since he got abused by the best player in football throughout the first half, but he did a much better job in the final 30 minutes.
Outrageous (but not really) claim! - Calvin Johnson is the best player in the NFL. He is better than everyone else. No one is that close. Not even Adrian Peterson or Dallas Clark (Dennis Clark according to Jim Nantz yesterday).
Spencer Lanning - Two blocked punts, BRAH? The best part about the Browns being the Browns is that now they are sucking their stupid Cakes-y fans into believing in them. That's awesome. The Browns are shit.
Andy Dalton - YOU SUCK. Every fucking idiot with a TV knows that you shouldn't challenge Joe Haden. I'm just happy that the queen of this site (by default), Tonya, got to watch her Bengals win in person. Well done, harlot.
Vontaze Burfict - Hilarious Bo Jackson-esque run up the tunnel aside, dude has EIGHT personal foul penalties this season. That's damn impressive thuggery.
Robert Griffin III - Darrell Green, the greatest Redskin to ever live and always will be, rightfully called out our QB this week for not being a very good leader. And you know what, he's right. RG3 has been TERRIBLE this season. I'm OK with the results because of the knee injury and cap restraints but I am NOT COOL with how we are getting there. Shitty teams shouldn't be mailing in entire halves. In short, stop making commercials for anyone with a checkbook and start protecting the football. That last INT? THE FUCK WAS THAT?
Mike Shanahan and his staff - The defense is rotten and getting worse every week. The play-calling is horrendous. The team never seems to wake up until halftime if they do at all. I'm a Shanahan fan but it's getting harder to say that he deserves another year. If he gets one Jim Haslett better not.
Random asshole officials - Probably shouldn't be calling Old Silverback Trent Williams a garbage motherfucker. First of all, Trent is a great player. Second, his nickname is racist so you know he's tough.
The Eagles - Still bad. This offense only works against horrible teams like the Redskins and Raiders. I actually hope that they win the East because that would mean the Cowboys don't and they will get slaughtered by the 49ers at home. I really want to bet against Shit Foles in January.
Aaron Rodgers - I just realized that this commercial whore is probably only going to play against one of the four NFC Least teams. Guess which one he PWNED? I was listening to The Mike Lupica Show yesterday morning (don't you judge me!) and some cheesedick called in and GUARANSHEED a Packers win. LOL DUMB.
Percy Harvin - Pussy Hurtin' made his long-awaited debut against his old team that he hated even though he missed a million games with headaches so whatever. He did very little. I am disappoint.
The weather in the Midwest - This seems to happen on one Sunday every year where everything sucks and it seemingly killed all of my fantasy teams. Not really but it's a nice excuse.
FANTASY! - Not a good week but there are still plenty of guys left to disappoint me. I need to wrap this up before we lose power (better not).
The Niners/Saints game isn't over yet but Jimmy BRAH's reaction to that above the neck personal foul penalty was classic BRAH. And that is a good way to end this post. Redskins suck. You've been warned already that they are going to ruin your Monday night next week. At least Jimmy BRAH will be there. Stay tuned for tomorrow as Iceman will be running onto the internet one second before posting and executing beautifully like the chunky rapist that he is.