Monday, November 18, 2013

The Worst of Week Eleven Vol.IV

The fuck is Private Joker doing here???
I can't believe that I've waited until mid-November to talk about the new TV shows that have debuted this Fall.  Whatever, let's talk about two of them now.  Look, we all love Back To The Future.  If for some reason you don't, move back to Iran, terrorist.  Marty McFly is a national treasure.  Then he started shaking all the time and we felt bad.  Now he's back with The Michael J Fox Show which also stars Marie from Breaking Bad and Bunk from The Wire.  Wow, that must be great!  Unfortunately, though, it's horrible.  I watched the first four episodes, laughed zero times which is not what a comedy strives for, and quit.  It's fucking rotten.  On the other hand, Brooklyn Nine Nine is tremendous (as you would expect coming from Michael Schur) and I also like The Goldbergs.  I didn't pick up any new dramas this year but I'm more than willing to listen to what you all have liked and hated from the new shows this season.  Onto the NFL's worst!

BradyCakes - You tried to call me out on my gambling recommendations AND my call that the Bengals would steamroll the Browns.  You failed miserably.  DO NOT challenge my authority again.  If you can't beat the JV (Iceman), don't step up to the Varsity (me).

The Texas Tornado Kerry Von Erich - ELITE dead 90's wrestler reference!  That was such bullshit that the Bears game was delayed two hours for a tornado warning.  Dick Butkus once played in an apocalypse.  FACT!  Stop delaying games.  Danger makes it better.  Joe Flacco can't pass in ideal conditions so I can't imagine how great he would be in a twister.

The Atlanta Falcons - This might be the worst team in the NFL.  When you get bombed by The Schiano Men (assistant coached by Dave Wannstedt!), that is not good.  I would like to mention that I picked the Falcons, Texans, and Packers to all miss the playoffs this season.  It really makes up for that Skins Super Bowl pick.  Well, maybe not entirely.  NEVER AGAIN.

Geno Smith - Jesus Christ, are the Jets really going to alternate wins and losses all year?  On those even games AKA losses, they don't leave much doubt, do they?  They just straight up get killed and the QB is poop.  Big fan of starting the Jets D in two leagues this week thinking that there is no way that EJ could be good in the wind.  Good call, Aguatto!

Jim Schwartz - That game is on you, pal, and that fucktarded fake field goal decision.  To be fair, the Steelers played really well but to be even fairer, that shouldn't matter.  Grumpy and Jeff just rotisseried Drew and that is a hilarious visual (Jeff has mouth, Grump OBVZ has Drooler brown eye).  I was going to mention Ike Taylor here since he got abused by the best player in football throughout the first half, but he did a much better job in the final 30 minutes.

Outrageous (but not really) claim! - Calvin Johnson is the best player in the NFL.  He is better than everyone else.  No one is that close.  Not even Adrian Peterson or Dallas Clark (Dennis Clark according to Jim Nantz yesterday).

Spencer Lanning - Two blocked punts, BRAH?  The best part about the Browns being the Browns is that now they are sucking their stupid Cakes-y fans into believing in them.  That's awesome.  The Browns are shit.

Andy Dalton - YOU SUCK.  Every fucking idiot with a TV knows that you shouldn't challenge Joe Haden.  I'm just happy that the queen of this site (by default), Tonya, got to watch her Bengals win in person.  Well done, harlot.

Vontaze Burfict - Hilarious Bo Jackson-esque run up the tunnel aside, dude has EIGHT personal foul penalties this season.  That's damn impressive thuggery.

Robert Griffin III - Darrell Green, the greatest Redskin to ever live and always will be, rightfully called out our QB this week for not being a very good leader.  And you know what, he's right.  RG3 has been TERRIBLE this season.  I'm OK with the results because of the knee injury and cap restraints but I am NOT COOL with how we are getting there.  Shitty teams shouldn't be mailing in entire halves.  In short, stop making commercials for anyone with a checkbook and start protecting the football.  That last INT?  THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Mike Shanahan and his staff - The defense is rotten and getting worse every week.  The play-calling is horrendous.  The team never seems to wake up until halftime if they do at all. I'm a Shanahan fan but it's getting harder to say that he deserves another year.  If he gets one Jim Haslett better not.

Random asshole officials - Probably shouldn't be calling Old Silverback Trent Williams a garbage motherfucker.  First of all, Trent is a great player.  Second, his nickname is racist so you know he's tough.

The Eagles - Still bad.  This offense only works against horrible teams like the Redskins and Raiders. I actually hope that they win the East because that would mean the Cowboys don't and they will get slaughtered by the 49ers at home.  I really want to bet against Shit Foles in January.

Aaron Rodgers - I just realized that this commercial whore is probably only going to play against one of the four NFC Least teams.  Guess which one he PWNED?  I was listening to The Mike Lupica Show yesterday morning (don't you judge me!) and some cheesedick called in and GUARANSHEED a Packers win.  LOL DUMB.

Percy Harvin - Pussy Hurtin' made his long-awaited debut against his old team that he hated even though he missed a million games with headaches so whatever.  He did very little.  I am disappoint.

The weather in the Midwest - This seems to happen on one Sunday every year where everything sucks and it seemingly killed all of my fantasy teams.  Not really but it's a nice excuse.

FANTASY! - Not a good week but there are still plenty of guys left to disappoint me.  I need to wrap this up before we lose power (better not). 

The Niners/Saints game isn't over yet but Jimmy BRAH's reaction to that above the neck personal foul penalty was classic BRAH.  And that is a good way to end this post.  Redskins suck.  You've been warned already that they are going to ruin your Monday night next week.  At least Jimmy BRAH will be there.  Stay tuned for tomorrow as Iceman will be running onto the internet one second before posting and executing beautifully like the chunky rapist that he is.

29 comments:

Grumpy said...

Your "Best player in the NFL" had 0 catches in the 2nd half. Outsmarted by a 76 year old.

Mr. Ace said...

Fat Stafford was 0-10 in the 4th quarter, or at least that's what I saw on twitter. A real closer.

FLY EAGLES FLY! Who is the only defense to hold their last 7 opponents to 21 or less? IGGLES BITCHES. Nick Foles is the best QB in the division. We will be in the playoffs. We will probably destroy everyone we play.

How about the Texans benching Keenum for pretty much no fucking reason? Really ruined my assy fantasy performance even more. If you get lit up by Matt McGloin yourentire coaching staff should be fired or made to suffer from real strokes.

Foles outrushed RG3.

Fucking Browns man. Just avoid mistakes and you cover every week. Instead they gave the game away 5 different times.

I missed every single NFL bet I made yesterday. Ya.

Anonymous said...

Fucking Jets. I am done with NFL betting. My record in the NFL is something like 2-6. Where as I have only lost two games all year in college. You'd think I'd have learned earlier.

Juan Negro got the feeling of MONTEEEE'S long hard shaft in his anus. Playoffs should be clinched. Only Buke and G$ can have a blockbuster trade that makes both teams worse. LOLZ.

It all comes down to a kicker today in MSFL. If Lange's guy can kick 11 then he has us, if not, get fucked.

Grumpy calling out Megatron for 0 catches in the second half after throwing up 163 in the second quarter. HAHAHAHAHA. God Steelers fans are the WORST.

Ide

GMoney said...

Ummmm, yeah, Megatron is the best player in the league. Blame Tubs for not throwing to him.

That blockbuster trade netted me Jason Snelling who was caught eating his weed this week. I think I won that.

We're all on board with hating the Eagles simply because of Mr. Ace, right? Good.

Grumpy said...

The point, Ide, is that after letting Megatron run wild in the 2nd qtr. they adjusted and shut him out.

Shutting out the "best player in the NFL" for 2 quarters is pretty damn impressive.

Funny when the Cubs fans of the NFL call anyone else the WORST.

GMoney said...

Well, who's better, Mr. Quotation Marks???

PUT IN GROSSMAN.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Megatron is indeed teh best footballer in the world. Pretty awesome that he's also just a real good person as well....zero character issues.

That was a really dumb call by Schwartz. I can kind of see where he was coming from in that if they got stopped the Steelers still had to go 95 yards...but, if that's your rationale than you should just go for it with your regular offense....not a rookie punter rush. So,....so dumb fo real Coach Schwartz. I also didn't like his reasoning after the game..."You can call me whatever you want, but you can't call me scared." OK?

How about Abs Stafford becoming the Lions all-time leading passer in yards yesterday? Blew my mind. What a horrendous organization. He should be able to at minimum double those yards as a Lion.

Good point by Ape on McGloin.

Great call by G$ all week on the Browns.

--Drew

GMoney said...

They should call me Mr. Great Call. Sounds like a good Twitter handle for me. @mistergreatcall

Zero character issues? I think that hanging out with Sean Combs is a fairly large character flaw.

Mr. Ace said...

Trent Williams is a cunt. Lets not gloss over that.

Scott Mitchell will forever be the best Lions QB ever. With Rodney Peete and Charlie Batch close behind.

My Jets pick was elite. And I did push one of my NFL picks. Thanks for that, Saints/refs.

Are we allowed to talk about college hoops today too? I'm just not ready for that shit yet.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, we need a college bball day asap. This season looks to be one of the best in recent memory.

Miley Cyrus > James McAdoo

Ide

Grumpy said...

I knew Bobby Layne. Bobby Layne was a friend of mine. And that fat fuck, sir, is no Bobby Layne.

GMoney said...

We're not doing a weekly college hoops day. Period. You're more than welcome to force the topic in the comments.

I'm partial to Stoney Case as the greatest Lions QB ever with Erik Kramer running second.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget about me!

(plays some Mozart)

--Joey Harrington

Jeff said...

We can call out Megatron all we want for 0 catches in the second half, BECAUSE WE WON!!! Dude is still the best though.

Saying that Haden shut Tron down, IN A LOSS, is the WORST!!!

Anonymous said...

The Browns lose every meaningful game and suck complete ass - so I will proudly talk about Haden owning any all all WR's, even in losses, because we always lose. I feel bad for him.

Complete agree, IDE - this college hoops season looks like it is going to be incredible. Think about Izzo still having 4 months to make his already awesome team better. They are a VERY good team.

Kansas should win it this year, but Bill Self is a terrible coach and will blow it somehow.

Seal

Jeff said...

Seal, I'll take your kitties this year. After those guys play together for 4 months and learn how to guard without "fouling" they will be unstoppable.

GMoney said...

GOVERNOR TIME!

*LOL Brian Herriot. You don't even look like a Brian.

*I did not care for this episode very much. If The Gov is going to be around still, then I get spending some time showing us what he has done since he lost the war but it feels like they want us to feel sympathetic for him and, I'm sorry, but that ain't happening. You don't get to murder a million innocent people and then be my buddy.

*Why burn down Woodbury? It wouldn't take much to reinforce those walls again. Just live there by yourself.

*I did love his "more cowbell" look when he showed up at that apartment building. Major LULZ from me.

*Braless Tara looked much better in the dark than in the light of the day. Would still bang.

*Eye-patch King chess piece = ELITE

*What kind of monster throws away Spaghetti-O's? Total dick move. And why was Phillip walking so goddamn slow all the time? Pick up the pace, jerk.

*So he banged the mom in the produce truck while her daughter could have literally rolled over and squeezed his dong. That's pretty disgusting. I understand wanting to bone in a sexy food truck, but there is an 8 year old girl five inches away from you!

*They fell in a hole. Martinez was there. Whatever. Sounds like we're going to get another week with The Governor and his new family which no one should want.

There are only two episodes left in this half season. Please stop wasting them.

Mr. Ace said...

*Why are we getting two episodes of Guvnah? This easily could have been done in one episode.

*I don't feel sympathy for the Guv, but I do get it a little. He was some peon in life before the zombies, got the opportunity to run shit and save the world, got corrupt to maintain power, lost all that power, and now goes back to the person he used to be. OBVS he is still a lunatic and doesn't deserve sympathy...but i get it.

* Mom wanted the D. He even tried to lay off, but she wanted that nasty Guvnah stick.

* I can't take two episodes without Daryl.

Prime99 said...

Bears in OT! McCown > Flacco. It only took 5+ hours in the tornado city.

Niners fans are about to mutiny on Kaepernick. It's pretty funny to see their posts on social media each week.

I agree that this episode seems weird because they are trying to humanize the Guv. Unnecessary. He will go back to being a monster- no doubt on that.

Him boning in the van was more uncomfortable than him going into the old folks home (aka the place where the most walkers ever would be.) Though, all of the walkers seemed extra old and slow which was funny.

Digging a Walker moat is a fantastic idea. Can't believe they hadn't thought of that around the prison. It would be a lot of work but much easier to manage than a weak fence.

The Iceman said...

"Pretty awesome that he's also just a real good person as well....zero character issues"

Minus that whole admitting to smoking weed at G-Tech while at the NFL combine.

I love how Shady McCoy is becoming the Paul Pierce of NFL injuries. I read on a fantasy site yesterday that McCoy went down on a run without being touched in the 2nd quarter like "he'd been shot in the back". Then he returns in the 3rd quarter and looks fine. He did the same thing with an ankle injury earlier in the year on Thursday night football. HOW GRITTY OF HIM!

So Andre Ellington literally had one of his dreads pulled out of his head yesterday. At what point will guys realize that having shit locks like that are stupid and part of the uniform?

Prime99 said...

Don't be racist, Iceman- Clay Matthews' hair is awful as well.

GMoney said...

Prime and I are currently in deep battle in the worst fantasy matchup of really good teams in FF history. It's like 65-43 or something in a league where the average score is 110. I need 23 from Gostkowski and Olsen tonight. I'm sure that it won't happen.

Can Lange beat me in the LFL (probably cheating)? Not if Gronk scores 19.9 which can be done.

Brees and Pey Pey really let me down yesterday.

There is a good chance of me going 0-4 this week. That would be the upset of the century.

Mr. Ace said...

Smoking weed in college=character flaw? That's a bit of a stretch.

Shit locks...das raycess.

I wouldn't say Shady went down like he was shot. I think he tweeked his hamstring and thought he pulled/tore it. I didn't think he wood come back. If he was white he would be gritty.

Josh Gordon said...

"Smoking weed in college=character flaw? That's a bit of a stretch."

Preach on, brother man.

Brady said...

You don't deserve to win when special teams gets 1 1/2 punts blocked and the offense gift wraps another touchdown. Oh, and you settle for field goals instead of touchdowns. That was so Browns it hurt. The Bengals are mediocre at best but the rest of our awful division is just giving up apparently.

I will be in attendance for the Browns last stand this weekend against the rapists. If you lose that game, might as well start tanking the rest of the season. I'm not looking forward to the toothless Yinzers taking over the lakefront. It probably won't be as bad as in years past but I know there will be a ton of them.

I lost money because I didn't listen to G$. There, I said it!

Dwayne Bowe said...

"Smoking weed in college=character flaw? That's a bit of a stretch."

Goes for pros too, Dawg. Dats wut da fuck I be sayin.

GMoney said...

I've got a bigger issue with why all of these really good receivers end up at Ga Tech only to be wasted. Tron, Demaryius, to a much lesser extent Stephen Hill. Why would any receiver go there? They have never thrown the ball well even before Paul Johnson came.

Calvin Johnson was a Matt Millen pick. Clearly, that man knows talent.

Shady is a bitch.

The Bengals are mediocre at best? I don't know about that. They are, without question, the best and most talented team in the North. But they do have a tendency to shoot themselves in the dick or rely on Andy Dalton to win games which never works. So I guess they are pretty mediocre after all. Strong taek, Caeks!

The Iceman said...

I actually liked the new episode of TWD. You can't violently ram your way through a season like you would a drunken hookup. There needs to be foreplay and plot developing episodes. I loved how they're trying to flip the script and make people feel sorry for the GUV. The ultimate redemption story for the world's biggest cocksucker!

Agree that eyepatch King is ELITE.

I think GUV torched Woodbury under the pretense of "If I can't have it no one can". I think he didn't want anyone else coming along and claiming what he created. Plus it was overrun with walkers...so there's that.

Nothing beats railing a chick while her sister and kid are 3 feet away.

GMoney said...

Omar Vizquel has been named the first base coach for the Tigers. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL worst player in baseball history going to worst team ever (outside of Cleveland).