She$: Don’t get mad but we’re going home next weekend.
G$: OK, why?
She$: Because we haven’t been back for a while.
G$: I know but what are we doing?
She$: We’re just going to spend time with the family.
G$: So we’re not doing anything.
She$: We’re spending time with the family.
G$: We’re driving two hours to do exactly what we do here except with less couch space, even less conversation, a smaller bed, a cat that is an asshole to our dog and keeps him up all night, and no control over the TV remote thus unlimited CSI re-runs on USA?
She$: Yes. And we’ll see our nieces and nephews.
G$: Don’t play that card. I’ll agree to these terms if you agree to mine…we’re only staying one night.
She$: Fine but you have to explain to my parents why we’re leaving Saturday evening.
G$: (already coming up with tremendous lies and excuses such as "it's daylight savings time") OK!!!
She$: (immediately regretting what she just said) Fine, I’ll come up with something.
Never get married. And if you do, always make sure that there is a compromise and not just “you bending over constantly”. I’m heading back to Naptown tonight for what will certainly be an eventful 24 hours. However, I am running my first non-zombie 5K on Saturday morning through the mean streets of my hometown. It’s for charity or something (Strippers Without Borders?) but I really just want to remind everyone who once adored me how much of an AFFLETE I still am. I hope to run into baby-french kissing, Li'l Strut, so I can give him a piece of my mind on behalf of all of us. You should all be betting on me to win. Whoa, who said something about betting? Let’s talk about that.
The big game of the weekend features two undefeated ACC teams yet the spread is Florida State -22. That’s amazing. When was the last time that two top seven teams/arch rivals had both not lost but the line was over three touchdowns? This is the kind of number that you expect a Dabo Swinney coached team to get in a big game (because he sucks, you see). The Noles haven’t played the greatest schedule thus far and The U has pretty solid athletes in the trenches so I would take them points. Should be a good game…it’s nice to see these two formerly crooked as fuck programs back where they belong. By the way, you will notice that I am not picking against the RedHawks this week. Well, that is because November is here which means weeknight MACtion! You can bet against Miami when BG comes to Oxford on Tuesday night. More picks!
Virginia Tech -5 @ Boston College – The Hokies should be pretty mad after losing to GSaul’s Blue Devils.
Akron -1.5 vs. Kent State – Who wants The Wagon Wheel!!! Terry Bowden just wants to know when the chow is served. Zips win.
Eastern Michigan @ Toledo OVER 67 – I read about this pick on some gambling site. The Rockets average around 50 points against the former Hurons over the past handful of years. That same site seems to think that San Jose State -3.5 is a lock at UNLV, too, but I can’t advise that pick.
Minnesota +10 @ Indiana – If you beat Nebraska by double digits, you aren’t automatically ten points worse than the Hoosiers 7 days later.
Michigan +6 @ Michigan State – The biggest rivalry in the Big Ten! This line started around 4 and has went through the roof since. No one believes in The Hokester! This feels like a FG game to me. But Sparty will win because Hoke only suffers losses on the road.
Kansas City -3 @ Buffalo – Christ, do the Chiefs play anyone good this year? How is this only a FG for the best defense in the league against Thad Lewis or Tuel Time or LOL Matt Flynn?
Washington +1 vs. San Diego – The Chargers have won both of their trips East already this year. They are legally obligated to not win any more of these. This is less a homer pick and more of “I still don’t believe in the traveling Bolts” pick.
Indianapolis -2.5 @ Houston – Both teams are coming off of a bye. I’ll take the team that killed Denver over the one that is 1-6 ATS.
MAC Glory Hole of the Week (5-2!!!) Northern Illinois -23.5 @ UMass – This line should be at least a touchdown higher. If the Huskies want another chance at a BCS bowl, they know that they need to slaughter everyone. This has 56-10 written all over it. What about Mr. Ace’s Hammers of the Week (7-11! He’s on FI-YAH!!!)?
1-1 last week. Andy Reid is a horribly fat man who hates my bank account.
NCAA: Marshall -31. Southern Miss is 0-4 ATS in their last 4. Marshall is 3-0 ATS at home this year. I do like the OVER 56.5 in the Fuckeye/Purdue game as long as the weather is alright. (Ed. note: Southern Miss is absolutely fucking terrible…they are in the same class as the RedHawks)
NFL: Eagles vs. Raiders UNDER 45. I told you ass holes earlier this week to get on Oakland at +2.5, and now the line is Oakland -2.5. Again, I won't bet against my team, but you should. The Eagles defense has actually been showing some promise. The offense isn't scoring...at all. Foles will be back, but that won't matter. Eagles will contain Pryor while continuing to be terrible on offense.
Moneyline: Michigan +185.
Recently, I have been ending these posts by wishing good luck to whoever is playing the Fuckeyes. Unfortunately, Purdue +32 is abysmal. They do usually play Ohio tight for some reason though. I would stay away from this line. Fuck it, tradition never graduates. TOOT TOOT Boiler Up!