Friday, November 01, 2013

The Return Of Extended Family Time!

COUNT IT!!!
So this happened last weekend:
She$: Don’t get mad but we’re going home next weekend.
G$: OK, why?
She$: Because we haven’t been back for a while.
G$: I know but what are we doing?
She$: We’re just going to spend time with the family.
G$: So we’re not doing anything.
She$: We’re spending time with the family.
G$: We’re driving two hours to do exactly what we do here except with less couch space, even less conversation, a smaller bed, a cat that is an asshole to our dog and keeps him up all night, and no control over the TV remote thus unlimited CSI re-runs on USA?
She$: Yes. And we’ll see our nieces and nephews.
G$: Don’t play that card. I’ll agree to these terms if you agree to mine…we’re only staying one night.
She$: Fine but you have to explain to my parents why we’re leaving Saturday evening.
G$: (already coming up with tremendous lies and excuses such as "it's daylight savings time") OK!!!
She$: (immediately regretting what she just said) Fine, I’ll come up with something.

Never get married. And if you do, always make sure that there is a compromise and not just “you bending over constantly”. I’m heading back to Naptown tonight for what will certainly be an eventful 24 hours. However, I am running my first non-zombie 5K on Saturday morning through the mean streets of my hometown. It’s for charity or something (Strippers Without Borders?) but I really just want to remind everyone who once adored me how much of an AFFLETE I still am. I hope to run into baby-french kissing, Li'l Strut, so I can give him a piece of my mind on behalf of all of us. You should all be betting on me to win. Whoa, who said something about betting? Let’s talk about that.

The big game of the weekend features two undefeated ACC teams yet the spread is Florida State -22. That’s amazing. When was the last time that two top seven teams/arch rivals had both not lost but the line was over three touchdowns? This is the kind of number that you expect a Dabo Swinney coached team to get in a big game (because he sucks, you see). The Noles haven’t played the greatest schedule thus far and The U has pretty solid athletes in the trenches so I would take them points. Should be a good game…it’s nice to see these two formerly crooked as fuck programs back where they belong. By the way, you will notice that I am not picking against the RedHawks this week. Well, that is because November is here which means weeknight MACtion! You can bet against Miami when BG comes to Oxford on Tuesday night. More picks!

Virginia Tech -5 @ Boston College – The Hokies should be pretty mad after losing to GSaul’s Blue Devils.
Akron -1.5 vs. Kent State – Who wants The Wagon Wheel!!! Terry Bowden just wants to know when the chow is served. Zips win.
Eastern Michigan @ Toledo OVER 67 – I read about this pick on some gambling site. The Rockets average around 50 points against the former Hurons over the past handful of years. That same site seems to think that San Jose State -3.5 is a lock at UNLV, too, but I can’t advise that pick.
Minnesota +10 @ Indiana – If you beat Nebraska by double digits, you aren’t automatically ten points worse than the Hoosiers 7 days later.
Michigan +6 @ Michigan State – The biggest rivalry in the Big Ten! This line started around 4 and has went through the roof since. No one believes in The Hokester! This feels like a FG game to me. But Sparty will win because Hoke only suffers losses on the road.

Kansas City -3 @ Buffalo – Christ, do the Chiefs play anyone good this year? How is this only a FG for the best defense in the league against Thad Lewis or Tuel Time or LOL Matt Flynn?
Washington +1 vs. San Diego – The Chargers have won both of their trips East already this year. They are legally obligated to not win any more of these. This is less a homer pick and more of “I still don’t believe in the traveling Bolts” pick.
Indianapolis -2.5 @ Houston – Both teams are coming off of a bye. I’ll take the team that killed Denver over the one that is 1-6 ATS.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (5-2!!!) Northern Illinois -23.5 @ UMass – This line should be at least a touchdown higher. If the Huskies want another chance at a BCS bowl, they know that they need to slaughter everyone. This has 56-10 written all over it. What about Mr. Ace’s Hammers of the Week (7-11! He’s on FI-YAH!!!)?

1-1 last week. Andy Reid is a horribly fat man who hates my bank account.
NCAA: Marshall -31. Southern Miss is 0-4 ATS in their last 4. Marshall is 3-0 ATS at home this year. I do like the OVER 56.5 in the Fuckeye/Purdue game as long as the weather is alright. (Ed. note: Southern Miss is absolutely fucking terrible…they are in the same class as the RedHawks)
NFL: Eagles vs. Raiders UNDER 45. I told you ass holes earlier this week to get on Oakland at +2.5, and now the line is Oakland -2.5. Again, I won't bet against my team, but you should. The Eagles defense has actually been showing some promise. The offense isn't scoring...at all. Foles will be back, but that won't matter. Eagles will contain Pryor while continuing to be terrible on offense.
Moneyline: Michigan +185.

Recently, I have been ending these posts by wishing good luck to whoever is playing the Fuckeyes. Unfortunately, Purdue +32 is abysmal. They do usually play Ohio tight for some reason though. I would stay away from this line. Fuck it, tradition never graduates. TOOT TOOT Boiler Up!

31 comments:

GMoney said...

Blogger is really pissing me off with their shitty posting times. Apologies to anyone who likes to start their day off right with this site.

Here's the greatest excuse ever for why we're going back Saturday: Because Blue fucking Oyster Cult is playing at the casino on Saturday night, bruh!!!

Anonymous said...

I accept your apology. My ELITE cardio day was more eventful on deadspin anyhow. LOL Bengals.

The IND/HOU game seems to be a lock to me. I went in on that one and I took Jeff's shithole to cover at Virginia as well as Rob to cover in the Ryan Bowl. Dead hookers > feet. I went 2-1 last week, so hopefully my slump is turning around.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

I'm glad Mrs. Ace's fam is super cray and she realizes it and never wants to go home. Nobody should go back to Naptown just for shits and gigs.

The Colts game scares me because I want to see their offense without Wayne before I put money on them. I think Hilton can step up his game, but I also thought he would be getting way more targets from the beginning.

I think, of course, that Michigan will win. Sparty's D is obvs good, but we will be by far the best offense they have faced. I just pray Borges doesn't facefuck thru the TV with repeated I-form runs. If that happens he better be fired at fucking half time. If we spread it out we will win.

UFM is in full blown win with no remorse mode and is trying to crack 50 every game because he HAS to. Purdue is bad. I don't care how much their D has "figured it out" over the last few weeks. Fuckeyes are gonna score.

Marshall is also a team that Phil Steele picked as one of his most improved teams coming into the year. They are 0-3-1 ATS on the road. Completely different team at home.

That NIU line is already at -25 this morning, -25.5 at some places. I still do like that line, but big difference between -23.5 and -25.

GMoney said...

When I pull my spreads, I get them at Fox Sports because they have 4 different line listings so I find them to be the most accurate for these posts. But yeah, I bet NIU at -26 last night. I still don't care.

I was thinking about the Fuckeye line more, too, and it does make sense to lay the now 33 points. I won't but I won't talk anyone out of it either.

Not that it matters much, but even Greenberg thinks that the Saints cover against the Jets this weekend in his STONE! COLD! LEAD! PIPE! LOCKS! This is apparently the first time ever that he has picked against the Jets. That should tell you a lot.

As someone who starts Gio Bernard in 3 out 4 leagues...SUCK COCKS, BRAHS!!! But yeah, walk off safety LOL!

Anonymous said...

My morning shit consisted of scrolling through perverted Chive pictures, rather than this site... I win, I think?

Thank you for bringing up the Chiefs schedule. Worst undefeated team after 7 weeks ever, right? They have not played a single team that will win a playoff game. They are a one and done playoff team.

Seal

GMoney said...

Yeah, I'm getting pretty tired of hearing about how great of a coach Andy Reid is or how Alex Smiff was the #1 QB on the market and this is a perfect marriage.

Uh, those two have nothing to do with a great defense playing against Matt Leinart-ish QBs every fucking week.

You can't keep playing "not to lose" and get away with it forever.

Nate said...

"I'm glad Mrs. Ace's fam is super cray and she realizes it and never wants to go home."

I'm sure Christmas' with Mrs. Ace's sister are wonderful. I remember Touchdown Tim D going toe-to-toe with her in NHS hallway. Never forget.

Jeff said...

Any team with half competent coach and a 4th place schedule should be able to be half decent. It also helps to have the abysmal NFC least as your crossover division. Undefeated at this point is a bit much, but their schedule is definitely back loaded. The Andy Reid Kool-aid man gif is LOL.

Jeff said...

Clemson scares me on the road. Actually Clemson scares me everywhere. At least Dabo thinks that if we played FSU 10 times we would win 4 to 6 of them. Holy shit LOLOLOL, bring back Tommy Bowden with that talk. At least Tommy beat Souf Carolina. Dabo can recruit, that's about all I'll give him.

GMoney said...

The Andy Reid Kool-Aid Man GIF is truly the best.

GMoney said...

Let's play a game for Ape:

TEAM A: Turns the ball over at an alarming rate. Below average on the road. Sub-par in the trenches and thus relies on making plays in space

TEAM B: Fundamentally sound and boring. Will not turn the ball over. Tough as fuck in the trenches. Playing at home.

Why the hell would anyone pick Team A to win in November??? If you like Team A tomorrow, tell us all about the wi-fi stremph inside WalMart.

Anonymous said...

When you have consensus first team B1G qb in DG98 tossing the rock, how can you NOT?

Ide

Anonymous said...

In my OTHER league...My QB's arent available this week (Cutler hurt and Kap on BYE)... Do you start McCown on Monday night @ Green Bay or Campbell at home against the Ravens?

Seal

Nate said...

"Let's play a game for Ape:

TEAM A: Turns the ball over at an alarming rate. Below average on the road. Sub-par in the trenches and thus relies on making plays in space

TEAM B: Fundamentally sound and boring. Will not turn the ball over. Tough as fuck in the trenches. Playing at home.

Why the hell would anyone pick Team A to win in November??? If you like Team A tomorrow, tell us all about the wi-fi stremph inside WalMart."

One of the more sound posts I've seen around here in a while.

LOL @ Fitz Touissant raising the stakes by calling MSU Little Brother.

Anonymous said...

You'll be happy to know that this site trolled me hard today. I couldn't sleep from basically 3 to 6 this morning...so, I kept refreshing this place to get me some reading/commenting and it never popped up. All was not lost tho.....much porno was watched.

I like the Minnesota cover against Indiana a lot. It is betting on Gopher football...but, it makes sense. I think Indiana lost one of their best WR's for the year last week too.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Nate...I liked how Touissaint said that Little Brother is always hoping that "one day" they can beat up Big Brother. LOLZ @ how stupid he is....kid is 1-3 in his career against Little Brother...so, he's actually had three days where he's been beaten up. For the last decade, no group of players have talked more shit without doing anything than Michigan players.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

If you can't beat PENNNNNNNN STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!! on the road then it's gonna be tough to beat Sparty on the road. I'll still be optimistic for a win because State's offense looks like napoleon's offense circa 1998...but it won't be easy. Especially if we don't have that whole turnover thing solved. Oh...and FUCK YOU Fitz Toussaint for being Mike Hart this week. Faggot. When you average 3.7 yards per carry you need to shut your fucking talk hole at all times.

GMoney said...

Do you start McCown on Monday night @ Green Bay or Campbell at home against the Ravens?

This is the saddest that I've ever been. I hope that you didn't mention this to your new wife because she would leave you. I'm not going to give you any advice other than "kill yourself".

Jerry Kill/The New Guy are this year's ChuckStrong! Thanks for the extra clicks today, insomniac Drooler! They need to bring back Insomniac with Dave Attell.

Anonymous said...

What about if you average less than 3.7 YPC? Can you still talk then?

--Trent Richardson

Mr. Ace said...

Ya, fuck Toussaint. He better go fucking HAM tomorrow.

Michigan had success two weeks ago by spreading it out and putting Funchess and Gallon on the same side of the field. I am expecting to see more of the same tomorrow. Yes, DG98 has his turnover issues, but M is still 12th in passer efficiency. Even is DG98 does have a couple turnovers, I don't think Sparty has the O to capitalize on them, and I also think those mistakes are more likely to be made downfield with this new gameplan. Sparty will take some shots in this game like they always do, but the bottom line is Sparty will play not to lose while I believe DG98 will get turned loose and lead us to victory.

Anonymous said...

I'm not so sure what was so terrible about my question... How about this question- can u not be a dick to me for one minute? Fuck off.

Sorry that is all the QB's left available.

Seal

Mr. Ace said...

You start McCown. GB gave up 30+ to Minnesota. Chi still has weapons. The real correct answer is Matt Barkley.

The Iceman said...

Drooler is about to poke the bear...

Trent Richardson coming hard today.

One thing I know for sure is that if our defense can't find a way to pressure the QB against State, Conner Cook is going to look like Teddy Bridgewater back there.

GMoney said...

Seal so mad. I'm not ripping the question. I feel awful for you that your options are J-Camp and McCown. You might as well just leave the QB slot empty. You have my sympathy, not my johnson.

Drooler, what kind of porn did you enjoy this morning? I bet it was granny porn.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, as I feel equally bad for myself.

Drew seems like a bukake fan to me.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Trent Richardson makes me look so smart.

No specific genre....just looked for specific girls. Amy Reid and Kennedy Leigh got some time specifically.

I do not care for bukkake films...but, I do like an occasional cum swapping film.

--Drew

Daniel said...

I agree 100% with your thoughts on going home. My wife's family expects us to come home for everything from Baptisms, trick or treat, Father's Day, Whacking Day (Simpsons reference), and just about every other non-important family life event. Then my MIL asked my wife to pick a restaurant half way between back home and Columbus to meet for her birthday dinner! This is the second time her family has indicated that they do not want to drive the full two hours to celebrate her birthday when they want us home every fucking weekend!

Also - Great Lakes Christmas Ale is officially out in Columbus. I've been able to procure 4 cases thus far, probably going back to Giant Eagle after work!

GMoney said...

Oh man, the "meet halfway dinner" might be the worst thing I've ever heard of. They don't just want to ruin your day, they want everyone's day ruined!

For the record, we are closing in one the annual Thanksgiving tradition of them driving to Florida and staying with us for at least one night each time (without asking) on the way down and back. Always a miserable time for me.

You will never go wrong with Amy Reid. Of course you would be into snowballing.

Prime99 said...

Who stops 2 hours into a drive to Florida?

Josh McCown is the "right" choice, Seal. It is like choosing between Dut rubbing his stubble on your chest or listening to Drooler talk about the Red Wings for 20 hours. Choose your poison.

Since Cutler tore his man parts, I'm a bit deflated for Monday, but I'm sure I'll get over it. All the NFC Norf injuries are getting out of control!

Anonymous said...

I hope everyone has seen how sexy Coach Cal looks on the cover of espn.com today. College hoops preview soon??

Seal

GMoney said...

Who stops 2 hours into a drive to Florida?

That's what I've been asking for the last four years. Or to flip it around, when you're driving from south Florida to Ohio and you reach C-Bus at 7 pm, why wouldn't you just keep going the extra two hours and sleep in your own goddamn bed?