Why does JSaul hate the Ohio Buckeyes?
This is a pretty easy write up, as I could just point to the mouth breathers in the comments section as case in point to why anyone would HATE OHIO, let alone the Michigan faithful.
I’ll start off by saying first of all, I feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t get to be part ofa rivalry of this magnitude. Every year it brings out the same hate and attitude in both fan bases. You would likely skip any life event to not miss a single minute of THE GAME.
A little background on my fandom and where the hate started; I grew up a Michigan fan (myself and my entire extended family) in a small town positioned in NW OHIO about an hour plus from Ann Arbor and 2.5 hours to Columbus. So it was say 70% OSU to 30% Michigan at best, which means there was always plenty of OSU idiocy to deal with on an annual basis. I went to undergrad at OSU, so I’d like to think I bring an undercover approach to the hate for OSU – I have an intimate knowledge oftheir fans and methods from the nucleus of their horrible program. I never flirted with switching allegiances, as that to me would be the true definition of a traitor. And let’s face it, based on the reasons below, I was never really tempted to. On withthe HATE HATE HATE HATE:
- They think it’s cool to have pride in their band. How lame is this?! The BEST DAMN BAND in the LAND pride is one of the dumbest things to ever take pride in and I’ll tell you why. The bands most signature, iconic pregame display (SCRIPT OHIO), was ripped from Michigan! C’mon, you know it’s true. You guys have built the pride and foundation of your “World Class” marching band on Michigan lore. So I’ll throw out a “GIVE IT A REST” with the Best damn band in the land shit.
- Feeding off of that point, they steal everything they base themselves on. Raising academic standards (Michigan), Buckeye Bounce (Probably a soccer team/Penn State), Hells Bells on Third down (No doubt this was stolen as well).
- Brutus has nuts on the Brain….dudes gay. Pretty evident by all the sweater vest and bow tie wearing douche bags that university employs.
- They pee on each other. Yeah it’s true….ever been to hineygate? They purposely set that place up with a terrible urinal situation so that the faithful will get drunk and pee on each other (this is fact so don’t even try to argue…). And we thought Penn State had problems.
- You’ve let “Buckeye Guy” become a thing. Seriously, this guy is a HUGE LOSER and is your most iconic fan.
- The songs and chants. Let’s face it, no one outside OSU fans like it when anyone breaks out in song and chant (Other than the OOOO NAPOLEON chant). OSU fans do this ALL THE TIME. Nothing is worse than sitting through a group of Fuckeyes singing WE DON’T GIVE A DAMN FOR THE WHOLE STATE OF MICHIGAN. Don’t get me started on the OH – IO screams that ring throughcampus any given minute of any given fucking day. That ear piercing diarrheaproduces the most self-conscious chills from even the biggest of homers, because they know that they HAVE to respond to it. This is personally my favorite way to mock them all.
- Mirror lake jump…have you seen this, have you heard this? Yeah, during Michigan week every buckeye strips down to their underwear to jump into a freezing cold pond to somehow prove their football team is ready to play Michigan…
- Conversations with OSU fans. Have you ever been engaged in one where you thought you were having an objective, fact based, unbiased conversation? I didn’t thinnk so.
- Anyone anywhere will still line up to get an autograph from Maurice Claret.
- You douche bags actually think that since you have dominated for the better portion of a decade, that for some reason the rivalry has lost its luster. Get fucked. A granular difference in the two fan bases, this is what I call the “act like you’ve been there before” Theory. You haven’t been. Sure let’s just forgetabout the 80’s and 90’s because the 2000’s are all that matter. Selective statistics.
- Your new Savior still has Ohio fecal matter on his dong. Never forget.
I’ve polled 7 of my most trusted OSU haters in preparation for this write up. A few more responses to add on reasons WE HATE OHIO:
- Commenter Dut
- Their Inbreeding skills. But the most overwhelming response from the faithful on why I and my brethren hate OHIO:
THE OBNOXIOUS, IGNORANT, FULL OF THEMSELVES, CHEST POUNDING, MOUTH BREATHING FANBASE! (6 of the 7 responses if you include the DUT piece).
Let’s face it. The most hate worthy part about ohio is their fans. I’ve had to surround myself with more OSU fans in my life that I’d like to admit, and it really takes its toll. Win, lose, tie; they do not falter in their obnoxiousness. There is nothing more fun to me than being in a room full of heart broken fuckeyes. HATE HATE HATE HATE
Strong Take! On the contrary, why does our old buddy, Brady, hate Michigan?
When our internet overlord, G$, asked me to represent the Buckeyes during hate week, I naturally jumped at the opportunity. Well, by jumped, I mean I procrastinated for several days and just threw together this post while being hungover after the Buckeye game. What can I say? Don’t knock the hustle. Anyways, there are tons of reasons to hate Michigan and I’m here to present them to you in Your Biggest Stan’s favorite format. Bullet points. It’s the laziest way to offer material to an audience. You fuckwads deserve nothing but the best.
•All of their talent and coaches come from Ohio. It’s ridiculous really. If you take our great state out of the Michigan equation, they are Western Michigan at best. Desmond Howard? Cleveland native. Charles Woodson? Fremont. Bo Schembechler?Born in Akron and coached at Miami. The list goes on and on but I’m too lazy to lookup any more. You get the point. I used to get really pissed about players leaving thestate but now I kind of view it like a badge of honor. Ohio State gets the best of the best these days anyway. There was a time when Ann Arbor was a desirable destination for ELITE high school athletes but that era has been taken behind the shed and shot. It was a good run, you guys.
•Tom Brady wears really awful sweaters. The only thing that keeps convincing me that he isn’t gay is his slightly overrated supermodel wife. Maybe she’s just an elaborate beard. Whatever the case, Tom doesn’t seem to understand the sweater game. Wouldn’t you think one of his teammates would pull him aside before he takes the podium wearing those ridiculous threads? I’m the last person you would ask for fashion advice and even I know that shit looks ridiculous.
•Mike Hart is a vagina. How fitting that he never got a win over the good guys. For the amount of shit talking this douchebag did during his playing days, you would’ve thought Michigan was a perennial title contender. We all know that isn’t true so why all the hot air? I did like the little brother comment though. That was solid trolling. If they are the big brother, Ohio State must be the great great great grandfather of that family.
•All of their fans wear hunting gear to the games. I don’t know why this bugs me so much but it does. Hunting clothes are made for slaughtering delicious animals out inthe wild for me to eat. They are not acceptable attire for cheering on your favorite football team, no matter how hickish that team may be. Clean it up, Ann Arbor.
•There are no more actual Wolverines in the state. I think all team names should have something to do with your state or regional area. Since there are no more of these animals left living in the wild, I propose some alternate team names that reflect the state of Michigan more accurately. Michigan Double Wides. Michigan budgetary defecits. Michigan Marlboros. I’m sure we can come up with a ton more that are way better than those.
•Brady Hoke has the name of a god but the voice of prepubescent girl who smokes three packs a day. Seriously. What the fuck is going on with his voice? It’s a form of torture to have to endure an interview with him for more than one mminute. Gargle some salt water, bro.
•Their lame attempt to not say “State” after Ohio is entertaining. Hoke has already slipped up and several players have as well. I can understand trying to get in your vastly superior arch rivals head but there has to be a better way right? The fact thatthe fan base has adopted this little habit is interesting. Why would you jump on the bandwagon of some guy who is dragging your program down and is barely over .500 for his career? Solid choice.
•It’s really fun to watch Michigan lose and all but they are a HUGE reason why nobody respects the Big Ten anymore. Ohio State can only do so much for this pathetic group of teams. Michigan used to be a blue blood of college football and now they are a fucking joke. I cringe every time we have to watch DG98 prance around and throw more picks on national television. Time to sack up and stop embarrassing yourselves and the rest of the teams that have to be associated with you.
•There are tons of Michigan fans that live in Ohio. I don’t understand this at all. I was raised with the idea to be proud of where you were from and to root for the teams that represented that place. Hence, I like the Indians, Browns and Buckeyes.
It’s a pretty simple equation. Why would you want to root for a team that represents a school you have never gone to and a state you have never lived in? I would be embarrassed at trying to convince people of why I liked Michigan. Can’t wait to hear Iceman’s response to this one.
That’s all I got. My prediction for this Saturday is 45-14 Buckeyes. Urban will have the boys ready to go. It’s going to be really embarrassing for you Michigan fans when the stadium is taken over by OSU fans again. That’s got to sting.
Another STREMPHY submission! I must admit that you both exceeded my very low expectations. Well done. We can declare a winner or a loser all day but if you root for either of these two teams then you aren't a winner and never will be. But since this site if about laying it all on the line, I'll go with Ohio to win 41-17. How about some quick-hitter gambling picks for the weekend (including the return of the GH!)?
Ball State -34.5 vs. Miami - Last chance to bet against the Hawks until The Vest Saves Us
Duke +6.5 @ North Carolina - Any school that accepted Ide is automatically terrible
Maryland -2.5 @ NC State - Whatever
UAB -14.5 vs. Southern Mississippi - USM isn't covering two weeks in a row
Georgia Tech +3.5 vs. Georgia - This would the ultimate cherry on top of the unluckiest college football season since Marshall's team took that hilarious plane ride.
Clemson +5.5 @ South Carolina - LOLWUT? This line implies that the Cocks would be favored in Death Valley. No fucking way.
MAC Glory Hole of the Week (9-2.5!) Toledo -8 @ Akron - You roll in cold weather by running the football at ELITE levels. The Rockets run better than the Zips. Plus, the MAC may only have 5 bowl slots for 7 bowl eligible teams so those on the bubble (like the Rockets may be) need to impress.
NFL Picks (that I don't really like but whatever): Green Bay +7 @ Detroit, Pittsburgh +2.5 @ Baltimore, and New York Giants PK @ Washington.
MR. ACE IS ONE FIRE! HE IS THE OPPOSITE OF RON BORGES' PLAY-CALLING! Our simian friend is now 14-12 on the season and, due to prepping his tofurkey, is also giving quick hitters this week.
NCAA Florida Atlantic -28.5 vs. FIU
NFL St. Louis +10 @ San Francisco
Moneyline Jacksonville (which would be the greatest)
As mentioned many times this week, we're dark until Monday. So enjoy your food (especially the leftovers), football (especially not the Redskins), and alcohol (especially the Stroh's). Let's make a concerted effort over the next few weeks to ROLL DAMN TIDE and WE WORK. GO HOKESTER!