Friday, November 22, 2013

Proof That I Am Pretty Much Ron Swanson

I seen him...which is to say, I saw him.  Count it.
I am, by no means, a handyman. I have tools but they hardly ever get used because I have no idea what to do with them. But every once in a great while, I will be tasked with performing some sort of Bob Vila shit. Last weekend, the in-laws came down on Sunday for the afternoon and her dad was given the job of fixing our leaking washing machine. It was discovered that a hose was cracked and needed replaced and the straps that hold the washer tub in place were broken (3 of the 4). Basically, I had a renegade washing machine (which was hilariously purchased off of some homo guy out of his garage). However, the GE (and Scheinhardt Wig Company ELITE reference) parts had to be ordered and shipped. This meant that the repair was falling on my broad and sexy shoulders.

She$ and I started in on it Wednesday night. I did my usual yelling at her for being in my light and demanding that she get me a chair to sit on. I did a lot of complaining as I am wont to do. She actually had the nerve to say “You know, it was YOUR idea to save $800 and fix this”. Yeah, the parts needed cost $37 which is a much better idea than unnecessarily buying a new washer and dryer (FYI, the dryer works fine but she thinks that we should by them as a pair because question mark). Seems like I nailed that decision, idiot wife. Never get married. Anyway, I fought through poor lighting and sausage fingers and fixed that bitch up good and proper. It’s running like a beaut, Clark, again and I have only me to thank. Again, I suck at DIY projects but it’s good to know that every once in a while, I can dig up the STREMPH to complete some appliance repair. I SICK.

(drops toolbox on the floor because it was not even remotely closed…blames wife for it)

Let’s get to the gambling advice for the weekend. Obviously, the big games of the weekend are Baylor/OK State and Les/Football. I’m not touching either of these games but I get the feeling that the Bears lose and Lester pulls off another one of his miracle wins. I hope that I’m wrong. Anyway, we’ve seen enough football this season to pretty much know what is going to happen. There is no need to bet toss-ups when there are a ton of perfectly cromulent lay-ups every week. Why take a risk on, say, Tennessee when you have a perfectly good Purdue/Cal/Southern Miss/UConn/South Florida that you could be picking against every week and winning 80% of the time. You don’t get extra money for being daring and suave…just pick the fucking winners.

Illinois -7 @ Purdue – Worst BCS conference game of the year? Beckman knows that if he loses this, he is done. Plus, Purdue is shit.
Michigan State -7 @ Northwestern – This line should be at least -12.5 for Sparty.
Duke -5 @ Wake Forest – I BELIEVE IN YOU, GSAUL!
Michigan +6 @ Iowa – Whoa! That can’t possibly be right. I have a feeling that Michigan got a little bit of confidence back after last week’s thrilla.
Minnesota +16.5 vs. Wisconsin - #KILLSTRONG…ride the epileptic lightning!  Bert would have blown this game.
Middle Tennessee State -23 @ Southern Mississippi – Don’t ask questions; just make this bet.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (now 9-2.5 on the year!) NONE! I don’t like either game this weekend (UMass +10 @ CMU and BG -24.5 @ EMU). I might bet the Falcons but I won’t GH it. You already got your winner this week anyway.

Miami +4.5 vs. Carolina – Letdown game for the Panthers. They are due for one of these.
Pittsburgh PK @ Cleveland – Steelers didn’t forget about that loss last year.
New York Jets +3.5 @ Baltimore – God, I hate betting the Jets but it is their week to win so I’ll grab them points. Hey everyone, Mr. Ace is back to .500 (12-12!) with his Hammers of the Week!!! You want some obscure advice? Get a load of this!

#KiltIt last week. Continue to follow me on our journey for money, strippers, and (VEGAN)blow.
NCAA: New Mexico State/FAU OVER 55.5. NMS gives up 46 ppg. FAU has been on a tear, averaging 40 ppg over the last 3 games. NMS has averaged 32 ppg over the last 3. Is there a typhoon scheduled to hit Florida Saturday? Because I have no idea why this line is so low. I would take FAU -22 as well. I like Temple -8 as well, PJ Walker has been killing it lately. System plays are Fuckeyes -34, Ok St +10, and LSU-4.5(Not a big fan of any of these).
NFL: Tampa Bay +9. The NFL is just fucking impossible to bet on right now. Tampa has looked like a good NFL team the last 3 weeks, Detroit barely won against Dallas and Chicago and lost by 10 to Pitt. I will take the points.
Moneyline: Cincy +145 @ Houston. Minny +565.

This weekend also marks a potential division clinch for me in the LFL (already accomplished in the MSFL because I’m great). The only faggots standing in my way are the Rodgers-less Burke and Ide. They gay. Even though half of my normal starting lineup is on a bye this week, I will crush them (hopefully, Breesus Christ got me 30+ last night). By the way, I am considering filing a formal complaint to The Rules Committee, which still exists and always will (fuck your asshole with Shook's Son), because I believe that some owners convinced Doormat Daniel to waiver Bobby Rainey in front of me this week. Dut has done this shit before (with Moden). It’s cool. You two assbutts will be dealt with in time. Somebody better than Rainey will be mine soon enough. And I will secure my third in a row. GO HOOSIERS!

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

Scheinhardt sold off GE. Thats a Kabletown washer you got there.

Rolling with the fighting GSauls, IlliNOISE, and MSU. NFL gambling is deader than dead.

Ide

GMoney said...

Normally, I wouldn't answer that question but since I respect your ability I will. I'm fine.

Anonymous said...

Keep moving, 98.

Ide

Nate said...

No joke, the brass at Minnesota will start handing out inspirational bracelets to students and athletes that read "SEIZE THE DAY".

GMoney said...

Does that contradict SKI-U-MAH...whatever that means?

GMoney said...

Nate, if I recall, you recently mounted a TV to your living room wall AND let your kid play directly underneath it. That's a baller move all around. Very impressed with your STREMPH.

Jeff said...

I recently replaced a garage door opener, all by MYSELF!! It was ELITE handyman skills. It was a giant pain in the ass though. Took about 6 hours on a Friday night (beer drinking may have slowed me, debatable). My wife just wanted to pay LOWES an extra $100 for installation, but I said fuck that and did it myself. Needless to say then I was finished and hit the button and to door when up my wife's mind was BLOWN!

Mr. Ace said...

Who is tailgreating tomorrow? Lets get weird together. Consensually.

GMoney said...

Hey asshole, there is only place in the world where the tailGREAT exists and it sure as shit isn't Columbus, OH, USA. Knock that shit off.

Gonna be cold as balls tomorrow.

Jeff, I applaud your garage skills. Six hours sounds about right to this guy. Well done.

Mr. Ace said...

Do you hold a copyright on TAILGREAT? No you do not, sir, so I will use it at my leisure.

I ain't scurred of no cold. As long as it's not raining.

I hired somebody to winterize my irrigation system. It really hurt my manhood.

Nate said...

The day we mounted the TV was joyous.

I felt so good about it, my first reaction was to place my 1 year old son underneath it to flaunt my stud detection skills.

There are few things in life better than figuring out somebody else's trade without any outside help.

GMoney said...

Ape wants to tailGATE tomorrow because he is an Ohio Buckeye fan through and through. FACT.

Now unless you want this rumor spread beyond the comment section of the World's Greatest Website, you will cease and desist using the term tailGREAT (which I recall was a marketing plan at Miami U in 1999 or 2000). DEAL WITH IT.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to TailGREAT in Oxford, OH when Jim Patrick Tressel is roaming the Miami Redhawks sidelines next year!

It's amazing that Illinois hasn't won a conference game in two seasons, yet I think they are a LOCK to cover that spread.

I also like the Badgers to cover.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I can tailGREAT next week. TailGREAT is the new brown out, DEAL WITH IT. THEN GIVE IT A REST.

Ide

Prime99 said...

I chainsawed a goddamn tree down in my yard. It felt manly as hell.

Gotta love doing handy work and grunting like Tim Allen in ironic celebration.

Mr. Ace said...

Prime, real men use a bow saw... unless zombies are involved.

Anonymous said...

Pick the Florida State Semen holes!

GMoney said...

Do you own a chainsaw? I was not expecting this. But what did you do with the stump? I heard that Justin Verlander will chew it out if you buy him some tomato-free T-Bell and a tin of Rooster.

GMoney said...

Almost forgot to mention...COUNT IT.

Faux tailGREATS are called Brohio Tailgates. There can be only one and Ide would never be invited.

FSU is a 57 point favorite! That's nuts. Although, reggin' penis to my butthole, I'd probably pick them anyway because Idaho is shit.

Prime99 said...

Drill into the stump, use tree poison, stump goes away. Beautiful.

I could not have lumberjacked the tree. It was 10 feet taller than my house. Needed to "safely" cut it down.

I wish I would've known about Beaver Verlander's offer.

The Iceman said...

My parents bought me a toolbox for Christmas one year. They might as well have bought me a bag filled with the neighbor's trash. I've used it like 3 times. Not to say that I don't know how to fix shit...I just prefer others to do it for me for free. Or I'll just call Wheelz landlord and start making demands.

GMoney said...

You've admittedly used your toolbox three times. How often do you play with your neighbor's garbage then? OVERRATED analogy.

And you have yet to declare Michigan to lose tomorrow. That is becoming a weekly tradition unlike any other. Or are you back in the saddle with The Hokester?

The Iceman said...

"You've admittedly used your toolbox three times. How often do you play with your neighbor's garbage then?"

Just let me live my life, man.

Oh no. I don't feel good about tomorrow at all, G$. If we struggle the way we did against Norfwestern (0 wins in the shitty Big 10) then I can only assume we're getting Vandenberg'ed on the road tomorrow. Reader's note: Every white Iowa QB is James Vandenberg to me just like every white Wisconsin QB is Jim Sorgi.

GMoney said...

James Van Der Beek > Mark "V-Twin" Vandeberg> Ricky Stanzi > James Vandenberg > FagNasty

GMoney said...

I just took a piss and there is some guy in the shitter stand up wiping. Who does this? I feel like I should notify HR immediately.

Anonymous said...

G$,

I had the same level of disgust when a roommate of mine in college told me he stand-up wipes all the time. He alleged it was more commonplace that most people think and he thought it was weird that I wiped sitting down.

GMoney said...

There is no way that that is commonplace. These people should be arrested for being gross and dumb.

Anonymous said...

I stand up wipe when shit gets messy. Sit down for all else. Sometimes you need a real wide stance to properly get in there nice and deep like.

Ide

Nate said...

I stand up when I wipe as I have an irrational fear of dipping my hand into the toilet water.

GMoney said...

^^^HOW DO YOU FEAR THAT? Do you have Shawn Bradley's arms? If you work a good lean like a normie, your hand/arm should not even go below the seat.

Looks like we're going to have to have a proper pooping mechanics clinic at this year's RibFest.

Prime99 said...

Your hand never comes close to the water if you wipe correctly. Sit down wiping FTW!

Stand up wipers probably also eat chili with no beans. Rabble rabble!

GMoney said...

I love Prime just as much as Bruce Drennan loves Cleveland and prison.