|He calls plays by ripping farts.|
New York Yankees – Just watched arch rival win the World Series for the third time in ten years all while our highest paid player is fighting the league over a 211 game suspension; our best player is a free agent trying to get a billion dollar contract; Mariano is no longer around to bail us out
Washington Redskins – Terrible defense, terrible coaching, an offense that forgets for entire halves that they are ELITE at rushing the football, and a QB who refuses to take any blame at all for being bad…also our team name is really racist and our owner is a sack of midget shit
Columbus Blue Jackets – see: “entire team history”
RedHawks Football – quite possibly the worst team in the history of FBS; the attendance on Tuesday night for Senior Night was a robust 45; we set all sorts of records this year for offensive incompetence; fired terrible coach halfway through the season; look at our hideous uniforms; only offensive plays are QB runs; and of course pretty much zero talent outside of the punter (third in the nation!); also SAVE US TRESS!!!
You may have a better history of being a loser fan, but NO ONE can compete with my last calendar year. My winning percentage is about 10% and my ashamed percentage is 100%. It doesn’t help that my sworn enemies seem to be thriving. It’s hard to even care anymore because I’m so used to the worst happening every game. Did I forget to mention the Cavaliers? No, I didn’t, because they are the topic for today. In fact, they might be in the worst shape out of all the teams above. How can I say that when the NBA season is only 15% complete? Easy. The Cavs go into Wednesday night’s home game at 4-7 and they should probably be 1-10 at best. This team sucks. With all the young talent on the roster, you would think that at least they would be fun to watch. Oh, how wrong you would be. The “Mike Brown System” will simply not stand for anything resembling entertainment. Let me get out the old bullet points to explain why I’m nearly giving up on the 2013-14 season.
*We re-hired Mike Brown who brought with him what is considered an all-star coaching staff. So what? Nothing has changed. Mike Brown still sucks. He said throughout camp that they were focusing solely on defense and installing very little offense. Who the fuck coaches like that? Is it any wonder that we can’t score in the half-court AT ALL? They brought Brown back admitting that they never should have fired him. They should fire him again.
*Chris Grant is not nearly as smart as he thinks he is. The Cavs GM really loves to smell his own farts. You can criticize his draft picks all day (and I won’t put up too much of a fight), but the worst thing he has done is to not address the three position in FOUR GODDAMN YEARS. Seriously, we keep trotting out Alonzo fucking Gee at the 3 and the rest of the league keeps laughing. How can you not see this glaring hole? Gordon Gund could see that!
*Anthony Bennett needs some work or at least some burn. If we are going to blow, and all signs point to YES, then give the guy 20 guaranteed minutes and let him go. Limiting him to 12 minutes in which he’s just out there to set screens isn’t doing anyone any good. This is the worst part about hiring Brown back: he is rotten at developing young players. I still think that Bennett can play but they need to turn him loose (like Carl Lee Haley). After all, no other rookie outside of MCW is doing anything (even Simmons’ boy, Oladipo) so I’m not going to call Bennett a bust for at least a few years.
*Anderson Varejao looks like a shell of his former self. I’m sure that this makes Iceman happy but not me. Andy has been a great soldier and leader for this team for a long time and I’m glad that they never traded him. I want him to retire a Cav. But he just looks slow out there so far. Hopefully, it’s just rust but I always prepare for the worst.
*Andrew Bynum is trying, god bless him. He really is but as he said last week, his body just won’t let him be the player that he once was. He can still go in spurts, but not every game. The Cavs should probably look to trade him to a contender in February. Good try, good effort.
*Fatty Windmill reported this past weekend that the Cavs had a contentious players only postgame meeting after getting slaughtered in Minnesota on Friday night. Here’s a fun game of connect the dots: volatile team meeting…Dion Waiters misses next two games with “illness”…Kyrie shows up the next night in DC with a black eye and a mask…no one on the team says a damn thing (and still won’t).
*Dion Waiters beat the shit out of our best player. That’s always good to see happen ten games into a season for a team with playoff aspirations. Then again, Kyrie unloaded on the Wiz that next night so maybe he’s like the one guy in Beerfest and just needs to always have a black eye as a means for motivation. Works for me.
As you can see, this season sucks already. I still feel like there is way too much talent on this roster to be this bad and that eventually they will figure it out (probably too late), but there sure as shit seems like too many square pegs for a moron like Mike Brown to mold into a decent team. I’m not giving up entirely YET, but my interest in the Cavs grows less and less by the day. You can call me a fair weather fan all you want to but I think of it more as “not wasting my time on a loser”. As you can see, I do enough of that already. I BAD. Thank God for fantasy football.