Thursday, November 21, 2013

Let Me Tell You Why I Suck

He calls plays by ripping farts.
We’re all aware by now that I only root for losers. I mean, seriously, look at where my loyalties lie. It’s a real Who’s Who of Human Shit. The “best” part of my love for losing is that not only do my favorite teams suck, but they also keep finding ways to suck in the most embarrassing and humiliating ways possible. It is quite extraordinary when you have it all laid out for you. Do I need to cite examples? Why not…this might make you feel better about your life as a sports fan.

New York Yankees – Just watched arch rival win the World Series for the third time in ten years all while our highest paid player is fighting the league over a 211 game suspension; our best player is a free agent trying to get a billion dollar contract; Mariano is no longer around to bail us out
Washington Redskins – Terrible defense, terrible coaching, an offense that forgets for entire halves that they are ELITE at rushing the football, and a QB who refuses to take any blame at all for being bad…also our team name is really racist and our owner is a sack of midget shit
Columbus Blue Jackets – see: “entire team history”
RedHawks Football – quite possibly the worst team in the history of FBS; the attendance on Tuesday night for Senior Night was a robust 45; we set all sorts of records this year for offensive incompetence; fired terrible coach halfway through the season; look at our hideous uniforms; only offensive plays are QB runs; and of course pretty much zero talent outside of the punter (third in the nation!); also SAVE US TRESS!!!

You may have a better history of being a loser fan, but NO ONE can compete with my last calendar year. My winning percentage is about 10% and my ashamed percentage is 100%. It doesn’t help that my sworn enemies seem to be thriving. It’s hard to even care anymore because I’m so used to the worst happening every game. Did I forget to mention the Cavaliers? No, I didn’t, because they are the topic for today. In fact, they might be in the worst shape out of all the teams above. How can I say that when the NBA season is only 15% complete? Easy. The Cavs go into Wednesday night’s home game at 4-7 and they should probably be 1-10 at best. This team sucks. With all the young talent on the roster, you would think that at least they would be fun to watch. Oh, how wrong you would be. The “Mike Brown System” will simply not stand for anything resembling entertainment. Let me get out the old bullet points to explain why I’m nearly giving up on the 2013-14 season.

*We re-hired Mike Brown who brought with him what is considered an all-star coaching staff. So what? Nothing has changed. Mike Brown still sucks. He said throughout camp that they were focusing solely on defense and installing very little offense. Who the fuck coaches like that? Is it any wonder that we can’t score in the half-court AT ALL? They brought Brown back admitting that they never should have fired him. They should fire him again.

*Chris Grant is not nearly as smart as he thinks he is. The Cavs GM really loves to smell his own farts. You can criticize his draft picks all day (and I won’t put up too much of a fight), but the worst thing he has done is to not address the three position in FOUR GODDAMN YEARS. Seriously, we keep trotting out Alonzo fucking Gee at the 3 and the rest of the league keeps laughing. How can you not see this glaring hole? Gordon Gund could see that!

*Anthony Bennett needs some work or at least some burn. If we are going to blow, and all signs point to YES, then give the guy 20 guaranteed minutes and let him go. Limiting him to 12 minutes in which he’s just out there to set screens isn’t doing anyone any good. This is the worst part about hiring Brown back: he is rotten at developing young players. I still think that Bennett can play but they need to turn him loose (like Carl Lee Haley). After all, no other rookie outside of MCW is doing anything (even Simmons’ boy, Oladipo) so I’m not going to call Bennett a bust for at least a few years.

*Anderson Varejao looks like a shell of his former self. I’m sure that this makes Iceman happy but not me. Andy has been a great soldier and leader for this team for a long time and I’m glad that they never traded him. I want him to retire a Cav. But he just looks slow out there so far. Hopefully, it’s just rust but I always prepare for the worst.

*Andrew Bynum is trying, god bless him. He really is but as he said last week, his body just won’t let him be the player that he once was. He can still go in spurts, but not every game. The Cavs should probably look to trade him to a contender in February. Good try, good effort.

*Fatty Windmill reported this past weekend that the Cavs had a contentious players only postgame meeting after getting slaughtered in Minnesota on Friday night. Here’s a fun game of connect the dots: volatile team meeting…Dion Waiters misses next two games with “illness”…Kyrie shows up the next night in DC with a black eye and a mask…no one on the team says a damn thing (and still won’t).

*Dion Waiters beat the shit out of our best player. That’s always good to see happen ten games into a season for a team with playoff aspirations. Then again, Kyrie unloaded on the Wiz that next night so maybe he’s like the one guy in Beerfest and just needs to always have a black eye as a means for motivation. Works for me.

As you can see, this season sucks already. I still feel like there is way too much talent on this roster to be this bad and that eventually they will figure it out (probably too late), but there sure as shit seems like too many square pegs for a moron like Mike Brown to mold into a decent team. I’m not giving up entirely YET, but my interest in the Cavs grows less and less by the day. You can call me a fair weather fan all you want to but I think of it more as “not wasting my time on a loser”. As you can see, I do enough of that already. I BAD. Thank God for fantasy football.

46 comments:

Mr. Ace said...

Ya, you suck.

GMoney said...

I do suck...accept when it comes to nailing Glory Holes. I'm the King.

Cavs lose at home to the Wizards last night. Were down by 20+ in the third quarter. Good team, I tell ya.

Still trying to shape my TAEK on the Rangers/Tigers trade...

A-Rod = LOL...he has a point but he ruins it by being himself. Great drama from him as usual

Anonymous said...

I agree Mike Brown is a terrible coach but Chris Grant’s hipster style drafting should shoulder most of the blame.

Where would Anthony Bennett go in the 2014 draft? Late first round, MAYBE?

J from JBeanie

GMoney said...

I heard Chad Ford say that he would go between 7-9 next draft which makes sense because it is quite clear that this year's draft was God awful.

Also starting to hear rumblings that Grant will be the first executive fired this year. Job well done...still better than Danny Ferry though.

Anonymous said...

7-9 in 2014?! So last year Ford had Bennett ranked #4 on his big board and most mocks had him in the 7-9 range. Now Ford has him in the same range in a way more talented draft???

Chad Ford is the Danny Ferry of draft analysts

J from JBeanie

Anonymous said...

I saw last night that Bennett is something like 5/37 shooting on the year? WOOF.

That Dion Waiters definitely sounds like a cancer.

Whatever tho...it's not like the Pistons are exactly tearing it up. It is fun to see Brandon Jennings throw passes off the backboard for monster Drummond dunks...unfortunately you don't get 20 points for those and we still lose.

The Tigers trade was nothing short of a miracle and proved why Dombrowski is one of the best in the business. I always got the feeling that he hated that deal and Illitch just made him do it/said forget about the money I'll take care of it. A very short sighted view by a rich and championship hungry geezer owner. Well, we gave it two years and it didn't work...we were then stuck with a crippling contract (you yourself said the Tigers only had a year or two more of a championship window because of this contract)....but, now it's gone. Instead we filled our 2B hole and now have $79M to re-invest in something like Scherzer...plus we don't have hundreds of millions tied up with two DH's in Prince and Miggy in four or five years. Miggy is back at 1st. It's a fucking miracle. An unbiased article from fangraphs calling it just that... http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/tigers-exchange-albatross-for-good-player-get-even-better/

It appears that Jameis could be in some serious trouble.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I don't know how he judges things but my guess is that his opinion is "you wouldn't even hear his name until at least pick 7".

I keep hearing that Bennett looks great in practices but then his butthole puckers up on gamenights. That's not good. It also isn't good that Mike Brown has buried him on the bench. Dude isn't going to get comfortable with the game sitting down all the time.

GMoney said...

What's the Kinsler contract look like? I could easily look it up but I don't want to.

Anonymous said...

Dude isn't going to get comfortable with the game sitting down all the time.

Exactly... and considering we fucking blow, why not play him more and see what we could potentially get out of him. I hate this team right now. I have zero good things to say about Mike Brown and Chris Grant. Somehow we actually look worse than last year.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Kinsler will make 14.25 Mill a year for the next 4 years ($57Mill) - and they Tigers also pay $30 mill to the Ranges in the trade.

Obviously Drew left all that out to make the trade sound perfect for the Tigers. Oh and the fact that Kinsler has had his two worst seasons in a row coming into this year.

The Tigers are still losers.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Kinsler has a bad contract...but, he only has 4 years left on it. When you add up Kinsler's contract and the $ 30M we sent to Texas...it is $ 79M off the books to throw at something else. It also gives the team a ton more positional flexibility, since we aren't stuck with 600 lbs on the corners...and Miggy can actually go back to 1st.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

More poor reading from Slow Seal. How did I leave all of that out, when I said EXACTLY how much money the Tigers are saving in the trade? That figure counted Kinsler's money and the $30M the Tigers are sending. Your reading is the WORST. You could say that Kinsler had his "two worst years", but his WAR (baseball nerd stat!) last year was better than Prince's....and he's cheaper...and his deal is shorter...and it's a position of need...and we have money to re-sign Scherzer...and Miggy goes back to first. Yeah..the trade is still almost perfect for the Tigers.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

My only question in regards to the Tigers trade is who will bat behind Miggy? Somebody has to be there to protect him.

Jameis has had a 10 month cushion to get his witnesses and defense in order. I still think he will be charged and whether or not he goes down for it will depend on the rape kit. Witnesses can only to so much if that evidence comes back against Jameis.

Grumpy said...

There's a rape kit from the incident? First time I heard that. Nail, meet coffin.

Anonymous said...

That evidence did come back against him. DNA matched. HE GON GET CHARGED. Too bad the ACC is filled with shit teams (worse than the B1G, way worse) and they will likely go anyways.

Ide

GMoney said...

I think that both teams won the trade in that they got what they wanted. I would say that the Rangers technically won it though because they didn't have to publicly admit to making a huge mistake.

Texas - Kinsler kind sucks and is brittle and they don't need him. Got 30 million. Cleared room for the superior Profar at 2B. Filled Mitch Moreland-sized hole at first

Detroit - Got out of bad contract by taking on lesser player who is way overpaid. Will likely be able to re-sign Crazy Eyes now.

It seems good right now but I feel it's an overreaction to a bad October. Prince can still mash and I'd rather have 29 year old him behind Fat Drunk than 50 year old Victor or 400 year old Torii.

TIGERS LOST THIS DEAL. I HAVE SPOKEN. Unless they bring back Brandon Inge to play third in which case they win.

The Iceman said...

What's happening with Varejao is pure bliss. He's a cock bag shit fuck and should be out of the league soon. Probably to go back to Brazil and model thongs designed for 10 year old boys. In the meantime, Varetwat still gets 30 minutes a game and puts up enough fantasy points for me to abuse his services on my championship roster. My NBA life is almost perfect. Now if Mo Cheeks could find a way to convince Josh Smiff he isn't a 3 ball shooter...

I love how your second best player (it's Tristan Thompson in case you have a hard time figuring out who the second best player on that team is) just realized over the off season that he's right handed and not left. When a 22 year old realizes he's been shooting with the wrong hand his entire life and blames it on Canada, it's really something to LOL at.

I have to read the latest on this Winston shit. Sounds like he's in deep doo doo.

Mr. Ace said...

She went to the hospital immediately after it happened and said she was raped. They took DNA from her underwear. If they did that then I assume they did the full rape kit. Nobody knows what that rape kit revealed, other than his DNA. Could it have been consensual...sure. But I find it hard to believe that somebody who has consensual sex immediately goes to the hospital to put there self through a rape kit test, which is pretty invasive. We will see.

Jeff said...

Whoa now, easy on the Jackets. Big win last night!!!!!!!!!!!

Brady said...

How will the media convince themselves that Ohio State still sucks all while justifying keeping the Noles in second place with a rapist at QB? I can't wait to find out the answer!

I actually think both teams made out in that deal. Kinsler is WAY overpaid but the kittens still get a ton of money off the books. Texas gets a fat body to DH and occasionally hit HR's when nothing is on the line.

Kinsler doesn't make the kittens any better today but the hot stove season is just starting to heat up. It will be interesting to see what else they do.

OBVZ, the Indians have won the offseason so far with the signing of David Murphy. We are the king of getting players off a down year, benefiting from their resurgence for a season and ultimately losing them to some crazy contract after that. It's a wonderful formula.

GMoney said...

Jackets SICK! Probably the best team in the league.

Winston is innocent. Pure smear campaign by Ohio and Urban Frank 3. OBVZ to anyone with a brain.

Tristan has developed into a real nice player. It was Canada's fault. But don't forget to blame Rick Barnes. Rick Barnes sucks.

The Iceman said...

"But I find it hard to believe that somebody who has consensual sex immediately goes to the hospital to put there self through a rape kit test, which is pretty invasive."

Actually this exact same scenario happened with a good friend of mine just last year. He took this chick home from the bar...they were both hammered...and had some pretty dirty sex. Well, I guess about 7am this chick started to have sex remorse, left his house/bed and hopped a cab to the hospital claiming she was raped. They did the rape kit and everything. She later dropped the charges but not before consulting a lawyer and preparing to press charges.

"How will the media convince themselves that Ohio State still sucks all while justifying keeping the Noles in second place with a rapist at QB? I can't wait to find out the answer!"

Remember, guys...Cakes is TOTES over Ohio quite possibly being left out of the championship game for whatever reason. TOTES over it.

Mr. Ace said...

Ice, she probably dropped the charges based on the results of the rape kit. If there is no injury/damage, then odds are the act was consensual and it would be really hard for someone to move forward with charges. Don't get me wrong, I know it happens and I know false accusations and convictions happen, but the timeline with this Jameis Winston case just doesn't look good for him.

It will be interesting to see how the voting works out if he is charged. Or if he is charged with a misdemeanor and still playing.

GMoney said...

I can about guarantee one thing: Jimbo Fisher ain't sitting him even if he's charged with terrorism or whatever. His team is more important than some girl's snizz. And that opinion is what we in the business call "The Brian Kelly".

Anonymous said...

I don't know of any law, anywhere, that classifies any alleged sexual conduct of this nature as a misdemeanor.

The Iceman said...

"Ice, she probably dropped the charges based on the results of the rape kit"

The doctor had to remove a tampon that was lodged inside of her that was never removed before the bang session. I would think that's pretty damning evidence. Turns out the bitch was just a lunatic and upon further research, had a history of really bizarre behavior.

It's an interesting situation for Winston for sure. Even if he's innocent it will end poorly for him.

The Iceman said...

"I can about guarantee one thing: Jimbo Fisher ain't sitting him even if he's charged with terrorism or whatever. His team is more important than some girl's snizz. And that opinion is what we in the business call "The Brian Kelly"."

Real big fan of what's going on in this paragraph. I'm going to have to borrow "snizz" until further notice.

Mr. Ace said...

If it's a felony he is automatically out. There is a class A Sexual Assault misdemeanor...which seems to amount to groping, "sexual contact with a person without consent". I agree Anon, I doubt it comes into play here. But I just wonder how that situation would get handled with everything that is on the line.

Ice, that's kind of my point. Your typical person isn't going to go get a rape kit done after having consensual sex. Crazy people? Sure. Crazy embarrassed people with a history? Absolutely. But typical coed? I don't think so. Not a lot is out there about the victim, but if she had some sort of troubling history i think it would have leaked out by now...or maybe it will in the coming days.

Also, your friend is disgusting.

The Iceman said...

That's what I was saying, Ace. We don't know anything about this girl. Makes you wonder why. Maybe there's nothing there. Or maybe she is a nutty turd celeb dick chaser. I'm sure we'll find out soon enough.

MUfan said...

G$ - from a football only perspective, you pretty much can't get worse than my 2008 season. A combined 2-26 by the Detroit Lions and Miami RedHawks.

GMoney said...

Ha, that's pretty terrible!

Alex Rodriguez is pounding his fist on the table demanding that Jameis' accuser faces him and lays out her case!

Anonymous said...

Not surprised that Iceman is good friends with rapists that have tampon fetishes.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Well if she is a celeb dick chaser then she is either dumb or a psychic. Nobody knew who the fuck Winston was back in December. And it doesn't seem like she is the one bringing thw charges back up. Again, the timeline just doesn't seem right. Also she apparently had been drinking, which brings into question lawful consent. Either way this is getting ugly.

Anonymous said...

Ape....I agree with all of your points today, but this one "Nobody knew who the fuck Winston was back in December"...come on man. He was a 5 star recruit and the #1 QB in the nation out of high school...people know who the fuck that guy is in town. He wasn't just some schmuck that suddenly became ELITE out of nowhere.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Ummmm Ape, will you please stop giving stupid Fuckeye fans ammo for their dumb case that they should be #2.

Iceman's wedding reception was 90% rapists.

Anonymous said...

G$....As I've said here recently, I don't believe the Buckeyes should be #2 right now. But, IF Jameis gets his felony and is suspended...I TOTES think we should jump them as nobody wants to see them play Bama with their now 3rd string QB as the starter (backup just got injured). I think many voters would switch as well. At that point they are no longer what they were...it happens all the time when players get injured before NCAA Tourney seeding time. It would happen here too.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$-Iceman is right..."the brian kelly" paragraph is some of your finest work to date.

Rumors have it that the press conference charging winston w/ rape is going to start in about an hour...should be interesting to see what evidence the state has at this point....if said rumors are substantiated.

Ide- being raped by big black men seems to be right in your wheelhouse...
We're all waiting for your take...

Burke

Anonymous said...

Peter Gammons just compared A-Rod to the marathon bombers....LOLZ!!!!!!!!!!

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Fair enough. But FSU had, what, 10 players drafted last year? If she was just jersey chasing there were several other targets.

If Baylor wins this weekend and Winston is suspended then Baylor will be #2 in the next BCS. GuaranSHEED.

Anonymous said...

Ape...per the BCS computer nerds, Baylor would jump OSU this week, but OSU would jump Baylor after the B1GCG....IF both teams win out. The fact that Baylor doesn't have a conference championship game and will have one fewer win than OSU, really really fucks them in the computers.

Also, if I'm some young FSU chick...chasing some football cock (I do this all the time anyways...so consider this an expert opinion)....I'm not wasting my time with a guy that is about to bolt town for the NFL. Nobody cares if you fucked the LB for the Panthers...I'm fucking the future stud QB for the next few years. THAT'S HOW I WOULD RANK MY DUDE FUCKING PROSPECTS.

--Drew

GMoney said...

It doesn't happen all the time. Other than Kenyon Martin who got hurt in a drive-by probably, I can't even remember any other instance.

The problem with your theory is that no one outside of Fuckeye Nation wants to watch you. Never forget that.

GMoney said...

And make sure to get knocked up, Drew, can't forget that. Then the gracy train never ends.

Anonymous said...

"The problem with your theory is that no one outside of Fuckeye Nation wants to watch you" ...FALSE. We are ratings kings...Saban vs. Meyer would get monster ratings.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

Drew needs to write a guide to jersey chasing so we can better understand this phenomenon. I want, I NEED, to know the ten commandments of getting jock cock.

Mr. Ace said...

Also, Go American

GMoney said...

There goes Drooler T. Cowherd again talking about TV ratings.