Tuesday, November 26, 2013

College Football Week 13

Stick around as the Gundy puppet will now eat his boogers for 20 bucks.

I know this is old news by now but we should all still take a moment to LOL so hard at Derrick Rose's 60 year old floor layer's knees.  I hope you weren't tired of Rose-Watch 2012-13 because you're about to get another full portion of that shit.  Normally I would feel kinda bad for Rose but he really rubbed me the wrong way with how he handled his ACL tear last year.  Especially how he started getting salty with the media for asking him when he was expecting to make his return.  He seems like a good guy...he just has a cunty side to him and for that, I'm not sorry this happened.  Since we're already on the topic of "things that suck"...

Time to shit or get off the pot, Hoke.  Fire Gorgeous Borges or go down with the shit ship.  Forty five yards of offense in the second half?!  Piss in my mouth.  There are teams that accidentally get more yards than that on one fucking drive.  We can't run.  We can't pass.  We can't block.  We can't stop turning the fucking ball over.  The play calling is atrocious.  It's time for this dick cheese to go.  Get Borges out.  I'm sick and fucking tired watching this team tard its way through 4 quarters of football on the offensive side of the ball week after week.  It's flat out unacceptable.  Because at the end of the day this is:

Christ.  I can just feel it.  Ohio is somehow going to slime its way into this title game.  Baylor is in the process of getting LOL'ed by Oklahoma State at the time of this writing and Jameis Winston is about two seconds away from staring down the barrel of his cell mate's butthole for the next 60 years.  I guess on a high note we will get to watch Ohio do their best Notre Dame impression against ROLL DAMN DYNASTY.

Speaking of Baylor.  They deserved to lose that game.  Mainly because Oklahoma State successfully ran pretty much every single trick play known to man outside of the annexation of Puerto Rico.  (ELITE Little Giants reference).  And because Mike Gundy is a hilariously awful dancer.  I had no idea this "Teach me how to Gundy" thing was such an Internet hot spring!  Way to reinforce that "all white people suck at dancing" stereotype.  At least we'll always have Justin Black Man to reinforce the "all black people are criminals" stereotype.

For the love of everything fucking holy!  Will people ever learn that the NCAA ain't nothin to fuck wit?!  Alabama assistant STREMPH and conditioning coach Corey Harris has been fired by ROLL DAMN ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY for giving safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix a loan of less than $500. There’s a few things to address here.  First…do you really need an assistant STREMPH and conditioning coach?  Is that a completely essential position on your coaching staff?  I doubt it.  Second…nice fucking name, shit for brains.  The Key and Peele football name skit is sadly starting to become more of a reality.  Third, as a coach…HOW FUCKING DUMB ARE YOU?! You are on a the payroll of the best program in division I football in the last decade.  How at any point did you think what you were about to do was okay?  If I’m a coach and one of these players comes up and asks for something even as meaningless as a bite of my sandwich, I’ll tell them to go to fucking hell.  Mainly because that’s my sandwich, bitch.  I bet Ol' SabeCakes screamed a swarm of angry hornets when he caught wind of this news.

God hates Georgia.  That's the only explanation behind Murray tearing his ACL.  If there was a final nail to be driven into the Bulldog coffin, it was just violently plunged in with the subtlety of a sledge hammer.  Never before in my entire life have I ever seen one single team afflicted with so many catastrophic season ending injuries.  Insane.

Jesus, Oregon is soft.  Just soft, white, mushy trucker butts all around.  Getting Rich Rod'ed and held to 16 points by a staff that would care less than zero if it were possible about defense is pretty humiliating.  Marcus MariLOLa is turning out to be just another shit Oregon QB in a long line of hilarious failures at that position.  I think it's time to stop taking this team seriously as a national title contender forever.

Eat dicks, Manziel.  That's plural.  Multiple dicks.  I fucking loved every second of this complete meltdown of a game from Captain Shitbag.  39% passing with 2 picks, eh Heisman?  I guess the pressure of being Mr. Fucking Wonderful is getting to him again.  For some reason I just can't stop thinking about how fucking unbearably douchey this dildo had to have been in high school.  Please go die.

Welcome to your peak life point, Derek Carr.  It will never be better for you than it is at this very moment.  Enjoy it while it's here and take advantage of it to its fullest.  Most importantly slay as much pussy as you can because in a year from now no self respecting jersey chaser will want any part of a NFL practice team QB days away from being cut and demoted to Olive Garden manager (Olive Garden references on back to back days?!  Eerie).

Normally I'm a fan of blowouts because you know...never leave it in doubt.  But if you're FSU, why the fuck do you even bother scheduling a team like Idaho?  Idaho!?  YOU DA HO!!  Sorry...had to get that out of my system.  Any school that actively recruits players like Mark Schlereth will always be useless and not worth playing.  At least Idaho wasn't the only ones that got their taints handed to them on Saturday.  Lotta 70 burgers out there last weekend.

Will Muschamp...HE GONE!  Well, technically no...but it's going to happen.  That's a bad loss, bro.  And at home to boot.  Being a fan of a team that has suffered similar humiliation, the only advice I can offer to Florida fans is that eventually that loss won't bother you anymore.  The bad news is that it will take a good 5 years to get to that point.  The worse news is that it will take more than 10 years to get your program back to where it used to be.  God speed, Gator faithful.  Booze helps.

Your Tuesday college football platter, Tonya and the cock faces.  Enjoy it.  It's been a good month since I've gone out and tied one on due to Wheelz shoulder surgery.  So getting absolutely fucking gassed tomorrow night should be quite memorable.  Will the Napoleoners be grinding on 19 year old single mothers at Club Rick's tomorrow evening?  Or just Damman?  And just in case you shit eaters were wondering why there was no mention of this weekend's blood bath, it's because my employer has me by the short and curlies and requested I leave that to later this week.  FUCK YOU, CAKES.


Mr. Ace said...

Go Redskins!

Michigan needs to dump their OC... something I have been saying for over a month now. I'm not sure that it will happen unfortunately. We bad. I will reserve all other "The Game" comments until tomorrow.

My wet dream scenario for the National title is Auburn bearing Bama and then jumping the Fuckeyes after winning the SEC Championship game. FSU wins out, and then Jameis is suspended immediately after the final BCS comes out. That would just be fucking fantastic.

Mr. Ace said...

Also lolz at the Big Lots Buckeyes for jumping in the Piss Lake last night.

Anonymous said...

They do that on a Monday now? That is a shame.

Guess Baylor won't be jumping us after all.


Since tomorrow is about the Game and we are dark the next two days, it's best to shoehorn all other sports today. That should probably ease the LOLZ from UM's complete shittiness. I saw a stat where RichRod has had the same record but better victories in the past two years than Hoke. LULZ.

The Indiana Pacers are fucking filthy. Now, I'm not big on that Psycho T trade because he was white and a real bruiser, but holy shit are they good. If they can stay healthy and Granger comes back to even 75% form, then holy shit. I am excited to see what this team will do come playoff time.

WE WORK didn't get dropped from the rankings. Losing to Charlotte is just hilarious. That's ok, at least you have a warmup (probably not, you're bad) with Coppin State before Duke unceremoniously throws you out of the rankings and has you tail spinning towards NIT territory.


Nate said...

I posted this very late yesterday, but found this tidbit from the Florida game to be entertaining:



Brad Edwards says Auburn cannot jump Ohio State. Outside of Doug, Brad might be the most credible Edwards I know. Doug did beat MJ in one on one back in the day. Never forget.

I had never thought of the possibility of Winston being suspended after the final BCS comes out. So I guess if Auburn pulls off the upset, and Winston is suspended, Lane Avenue will be named NUMBER ONE RUN.

Mr. Ace said...

You're a tardy tard of you think M is anywhere near an NIT squad.

Go Flyers!

I wish RR would have been given more money for assistants and could have brought in the DC he actually wanted to Michigan, Jeff Casteel. I don't know if all the grey hairs would have let him succeed anyways with his lack of Michigan Manness, but we would totes be in a better place than we are now.

Only the Big Lots Buckeyes did it last night. I think actual students do it tonight.

GMoney said...

"Being Mr. Wonderful is quite easy."--Paul Orndorff and THAT is an ELITE reference

No Nap for me this weekend.

I really want a Michigan/RichRod bowl game simply for the LULZ.

Michigan and the terrible Redskins have the same problem: they both need to fire their OC. We scored as many points as the Blue Jackets scored goals last night.

Mirror Lake is the dumbest tradition ever. BUT my wife has to work there for some reason tonight and Jim Tressel is going to be there so she is in charge of delivering him to Oxford. If not, I divorce.

As I said yesterday, Baylor lost because they just got away from Baylor Football. Simple as that. And Okie State's shitty QB, who has been bad throwing the ball all year, decided to have one of those Denard games where somehow they find your own players.

I'll stake my reputation on it now: Bama ain't losing to Auburn. You're not beating ROLL TIDE on the ground.

The Redskins are the worst team in the NFL and no one else comes close. Jags beat us by 14.

GMoney said...

Michigan Men would not have allowed RichRod to succeed because he is a Spaniard. Also, John "Chach" Casteel would have been a terrific hire. Countit.

Anonymous said...

RG3 getting his dick kicked in last night was hysterical. That was worth the fantasy beating I took from your inept offense.

That was one sure quality win from CBJ last night. Atkinson has been playing his ass off for us this year.

UM plays Duke then Arizona in a 3 game span, then they have to play the B1G. There will be a shitload more losses if they keep on playing the way they are. NIT isn't as ludicrous as it sounds. They will need to beat at least Duke/Arizona/MSU to be RELEVANT, or its praying you guys win the B1G tourney to slide in. Losing to the Charlotte's of the world doesn't win you many points.


Anonymous said...

LOLZ at G$'s super bowl predicted Redskins. They are as worthless as grumpy's hashtags.

Auburn is winning Saturday.

I am a groomsman in a wedding Saturday. Who in the state of Ohio gets married on UM/OSU Saturday? Dude is the worst ever right? He blames it on the wife and the venue...

Marcus Smart is sick. Put him on the Cavs today and he makes our team better.


GMoney said...

NO ONE makes the Cavs better...'cept Bron of course.

Yeah, that was a rotten SB pick but I have proven time and time again that I am the best so DEAL WITH IT. Redskins/Giants on Sunday Night this week. We missed out on this getting flexed back to 1 pm as it should be one week. Sorry.

Saying it again, Auburn is not winning. You don't get TWO miracle wins in a season. It just isn't allowed.

When Cakes reveals his RB Rankings this week, I hope that he has BC's Andre Williams at #1 because he is the best RB in the nation without question and Ka'Deem Carey is close.

Mr. Ace said...

M will lose to Duke, Sparty, and probably AZ and still be okay. There are enough quality wins in the B1G that we can do that. I don't think M is a Top 4 seed, simply because it is going to take awhile to get rolling. I am confident we will be looking good come March. In Beilein I trust.

Also exactly what G$ said regarding RBs. Williams is a bowling ball with no other weapons on that offense.

Mrs. Aces family is having their Friendsgiving on Saturday... at noon. I LOLed when she told me. I will not be in attendance. I will be miserable enough just watching, I might shit in the Turkey if I had to watch it there.

Anonymous said...

I like how the font changed throughout Iceman's post today.

Ape...as one of my Michigan buddy's said on Sunday...if Borges isn't let go at the end of the season, then Michigan isn't the program he thought it was. It's that simple....dude has to go...even if he is Hoke's BFF or something now or Hoke doesn't want to admit he made a booboo.

G$...get your lube ready...cuz' you can start whacking it again to Torg on Columbus sports radio tomorrow at 10am. on 95.5.

I like how the Iceman doesn't think football programs need assistant stremth and conditioning coaches. What a tard. Guaransheed Michigan has at least four of them.

Told you fucks that Baylor shouldn't have been mentioned iwth the ELITES of Bama, FSU and OSU.

Oregon blows. They should be relegated to a mid-December bowl fro getting stomped by the fighting Rich Rods.

Manziel not winning the Heisman....ARCHIE's record is safe. Beautiful.

Nice of Iceman to recap Florida's loss and fail to mention that Georgia Southern won without COMPLETING A SINGLE PASS. How in the world does that happen? That stat continues to blow my mind.

Penn State plays at Wisconsin this weekend and Wisconsin is favored by 24. I guess this is the game that the Badgers will drop, eh Iceman????????? LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!


GMoney said...

Torg has been on the radio for months. Hell, I'm told he was at Hineygate this past Saturday (I think). I don't care about him.

Speaking of shitty radio, I was listening to Common Man and T-Bone (who is the worst, is a big Crew fan, and weighs over 300 pounds which makes him worse than the worst) and wow was it bad.

They did what Burke and Cakes like to do and argue that "Ohio's schedule isn't that bad and we should be closer to FSU than we are". The arguments were that every team that the Noles beat is OVERRATED and the same thing goes for Bama and before last week Baylor. So, who is properly rated then? It seems like every team that you beat is underrated and everyone else sucks. You see it here when people say "Clemson isn't that good". Who is better then? Because Clemson is a top 5 team and deservedly so. Miami was OVERRATED! OK, where is a 7-0 team supposed to be ranked? And then they lost their best player for the year.

These are stupid arguments. Then they took the top 8 teams from the Big Ten and matched them up with the top 8 teams in the ACC and, guess what, they had to admit that the ACC was better top to bottom. Great radio guys!

In conclusion, according to Ohio fans, the only underrated team in the nation is Wisconsin. FACT! That is what you think. If you didn't play them then they can't be any good.

GMoney said...

And Iceman sucks at fonts. He is no Wayne Fontes.

Anonymous said...

FSU and OSU's SOS are virtually identical (81 vs. 86) and OSU's will be better after the MSU game. FSU has still won more convincingly....it's just the STREMPTH argument is retarded if you want to use it against OSU when discussing FSU.


Prime99 said...

I wonder if Drew pops champagne like Mercury Morris every time someone doesn't win their second Heisman?

Celebrating Rose's knee injury because you didn't like they way he dealt with the media- Ice, are you a Bulls beat writer and we didn't know it?

Brady said...

I thought the students did Mirror lake last night because the school was trying to put up fencing and use wristbands to keep the numbers down. I saw some videos of kids knocking over the fences. FUCK THE MAN!

Major LULZ at Iceman for saying Ohio State would be "sliming" in to the title game. I didn't realize winning for two straight years meant you were "sliming" in to anything. Interesting take.

What an embarrassment Oregon is. Guess that "lock" for the title game wasn't much of a lock, huh media? Fucking worthless pricks.

My Browns/Steelers game experience was awful. It was cold, we suck AGAIN and Weeden somehow "slimed" his way back into the starting lineup. Luckily, I got blacked out wasted, won a couple hundred at the casino and left drunken messages for all of my siblings at 1am on Monday morning. It was an ELITE kind of drunk after the game.

Mr. Ace said...

I fucking hated Torg, but T-Bone is 10 times as bad. He just fucking ruins things and qum speak for 5 minutes straight about pointless shit and there is no payoff at the end. Just fucking mindless talking. I love me some Common Man but TBone ruins half their segments.

Nate said...

Having a guy on there that you hate most of the time, but laugh occasionally is clutch. Torg filled that position pretty well.

Common Man & the Torg was the 2nd highest rated sports radio show in the nation leading up to Torg's dismissal.

T-Bone's only role is to buy Common Man enough time to reshuffle his papers and pick up the next segment.

Anonymous said...

2 local radio guys say the acc is better than the B10. I suppose that should end all debate. Thanks for finally giving us the definitive answer G$! Ohio State is probably lucky they haven't been jumped by auburn/mizzou/clemson.

If anyone else was undefeated, ranked 3rd in the country, & had the same (& soon to be better) strength of schedule you would be screaming from the rooftops that they should be jumping the Buckeyes or at least be in the discussion.... I believe at least being in the discussion is all Brady, myself, & many others are saying. When looking OBJECTIVELY at the situation these are 2 similar teams from equally shitty conferences.

G$ is the msnbc of blogging. Your arguments are based primarily on your hatred for Ohio State.


Anonymous said...

G$ is the msnbc of blogging.



The Iceman said...

"I really want a Michigan/RichRod bowl game simply for the LULZ"

HOOOO boy, the irony of that game would destroy our solar system. I don't think the world would be able to handle that matchup. Fuckeye heads would be exploding like grapes.

"I am a groomsman in a wedding Saturday. Who in the state of Ohio gets married on UM/OSU Saturday? Dude is the worst ever right? He blames it on the wife and the venue... "

Show up blacked out. Seriously. Lessons need to be taught.

The font changing is a metaphor for my multiple personality disorder, Drew. Or maybe we were...er, I was just too lazy to go back and correct it after the copy and paste method fucked shit up.

I'm not doing this again, Cakes. Stop acting like STREMPH of schedule means nothing.

Anonymous said...

"G$ is the msnbc of blogging. Your arguments are based primarily on your hatred for Ohio State."...I don't know what this means, but am presuming it has something to do with politics....which makes it a very gay comment.


The Iceman said...

Just booked our hotel for Ann Arbor this weekend. $270. Just another reason to get destroyed.

"I wonder if Drew pops champagne like Mercury Morris every time someone doesn't win their second Heisman?"

I bet he does. Mercury Drooler.

GMoney said...

It's NEVER been as much about WHO as it is about HOW. 2013 Florida State is better and more deserving than 2013 Ohio. NOT ARGUABLE.

MSNBC is an apt comparison because all I do is win.

The point is, those two were talking about how the Big Ten is better than the ACC and they are ridic homers but when they went down the list, ate a bunch of shit because they realized that they were wrong.

And LOL at comparing yourselves to the ACC. You used to do this with the SEC and now you're on the same level as Duke and Wake Forest.

Drooler's blood is 85% Archie Griffin semen.

Prime99 said...

G$- thoughts on RG3's fumbling problems? Odd because one would think he'd be really great at handling balls. Tons of practice.

GMoney said...

Those hands were good enough to beat the Bears, dicklips.

I have unlimited concerns about the Redskins.

Now that I think about it, I should change my name to Fox New$ because I only support losers, racists, and idiots. COUNT THAT SHIT, KARL ROVE!

GMoney said...

Now if you don't mind, I need to take a break from owning this comment section to go to the post office and send Seal his prize.

Florida State beats Indiana by 56 a week after beating Illinois by 70. Remember that or be violated sexually.

Anonymous said...

G$-If Bama loses in the next 2 week & the Buckeyes take care of business....not completely out of the realm of possibilities.... this argument will be decided on January 6th. I will take an Urban Meyer coached team over ya boy Jimbo anyday


The Iceman said...

Trying to convince an Ohio fan that their schedule/results of that schedule is weak is like trying to convince RG3 that snizz > dude boners.

GMoney said...

Just like Clemson could maybe lose to Georgia Tech, right?

Mr. Ace said...

The best part of all of this is that the Fuckeyes are almost as likely to lose in their next 2 games as Bama. I don't expect any Fuckeyes to admit this. And don't get me wrong, I have no expectations for M to win, or even show up, but anythings possible in that game. And Sparty is going to be a tough out...basically looking like a Bama Lite right now.

GMoney said...

Shut up, Ape, EVERYONE here already has two wins and Rose Bowl at worst on lock. Nothing bad has ever happened after overlooking talented teams, right?

Anonymous said...

Should I take N. Ill -35 tonight?

Anonymous said...

Dead wrong again Ape. Most Buckeye fans I hear from realize how good MSU is playing & everyone of us know about what can happen in The Game. Don't get me wrong....michigan is far from a good team, but its still a rivalry game. None of us expect to lose, but stranger things have happened...