Stick around as the Gundy puppet will now eat his boogers for 20 bucks.
I know this is old news by now but we should all still take a moment to LOL so hard at Derrick Rose's 60 year old floor layer's knees. I hope you weren't tired of Rose-Watch 2012-13 because you're about to get another full portion of that shit. Normally I would feel kinda bad for Rose but he really rubbed me the wrong way with how he handled his ACL tear last year. Especially how he started getting salty with the media for asking him when he was expecting to make his return. He seems like a good guy...he just has a cunty side to him and for that, I'm not sorry this happened. Since we're already on the topic of "things that suck"...
Time to shit or get off the pot, Hoke. Fire Gorgeous Borges or go down with the
Christ. I can just feel it. Ohio is somehow going to slime its way into this title game. Baylor is in the process of getting LOL'ed by Oklahoma State at the time of this writing and Jameis Winston is about two seconds away from staring down the barrel of his cell mate's butthole for the next 60 years. I guess on a high note we will get to watch Ohio do their best Notre Dame impression against ROLL DAMN DYNASTY.
Speaking of Baylor. They deserved to lose that game. Mainly because Oklahoma State successfully ran pretty much every single trick play known to man outside of the annexation of Puerto Rico. (ELITE Little Giants reference). And because Mike Gundy is a hilariously awful dancer. I had no idea this "Teach me how to Gundy" thing was such an Internet hot spring! Way to reinforce that "all white people suck at dancing" stereotype. At least we'll always have Justin Black Man to reinforce the "all black people are criminals" stereotype.
For the love of everything fucking holy! Will people ever learn that the NCAA ain't nothin to fuck wit?! Alabama assistant STREMPH and conditioning coach Corey Harris has been fired by ROLL DAMN ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY for giving safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix a loan of less than $500. There’s a few things to address here. First…do you really need an assistant STREMPH and conditioning coach? Is that a completely essential position on your coaching staff? I doubt it. Second…nice fucking name, shit for brains. The Key and Peele football name skit is sadly starting to become more of a reality. Third, as a coach…HOW FUCKING DUMB ARE YOU?! You are on a the payroll of the best program in division I football in the last decade. How at any point did you think what you were about to do was okay? If I’m a coach and one of these players comes up and asks for something even as meaningless as a bite of my sandwich, I’ll tell them to go to fucking hell. Mainly because that’s my sandwich, bitch. I bet Ol' SabeCakes screamed a swarm of angry hornets when he caught wind of this news.
God hates Georgia. That's the only explanation behind Murray tearing his ACL. If there was a final nail to be driven into the Bulldog coffin, it was just violently plunged in with the subtlety of a sledge hammer. Never before in my entire life have I ever seen one single team afflicted with so many catastrophic season ending injuries. Insane.
Jesus, Oregon is soft. Just soft, white, mushy trucker butts all around. Getting Rich Rod'ed and held to 16 points by a staff that would care less than zero if it were possible about defense is pretty humiliating. Marcus MariLOLa is turning out to be just another shit Oregon QB in a long line of hilarious failures at that position. I think it's time to stop taking this team seriously as a national title contender forever.
Eat dicks, Manziel. That's plural. Multiple dicks. I fucking loved every second of this complete meltdown of a game from Captain Shitbag. 39% passing with 2 picks, eh Heisman? I guess the pressure of being Mr. Fucking Wonderful is getting to him again. For some reason I just can't stop thinking about how fucking unbearably douchey this dildo had to have been in high school. Please go die.
Welcome to your peak life point, Derek Carr. It will never be better for you than it is at this very moment. Enjoy it while it's here and take advantage of it to its fullest. Most importantly slay as much pussy as you can because in a year from now no self respecting jersey chaser will want any part of a NFL practice team QB days away from being cut and demoted to Olive Garden manager (Olive Garden references on back to back days?! Eerie).
Normally I'm a fan of blowouts because you know...never leave it in doubt. But if you're FSU, why the fuck do you even bother scheduling a team like Idaho? Idaho!? YOU DA HO!! Sorry...had to get that out of my system. Any school that actively recruits players like Mark Schlereth will always be useless and not worth playing. At least Idaho wasn't the only ones that got their taints handed to them on Saturday. Lotta 70 burgers out there last weekend.
Will Muschamp...HE GONE! Well, technically no...but it's going to happen. That's a bad loss, bro. And at home to boot. Being a fan of a team that has suffered similar humiliation, the only advice I can offer to Florida fans is that eventually that loss won't bother you anymore. The bad news is that it will take a good 5 years to get to that point. The worse news is that it will take more than 10 years to get your program back to where it used to be. God speed, Gator faithful. Booze helps.
Your Tuesday college football platter, Tonya and the cock faces. Enjoy it. It's been a good month since I've gone out and tied one on due to Wheelz shoulder surgery. So getting absolutely fucking gassed tomorrow night should be quite memorable. Will the Napoleoners be grinding on 19 year old single mothers at Club Rick's tomorrow evening? Or just Damman? And just in case you shit eaters were wondering why there was no mention of this weekend's blood bath, it's because my employer has me by the short and curlies and requested I leave that to later this week. FUCK YOU, CAKES.