Tuesday, November 05, 2013

College Football Week 10

About sums it up.

So Wheelz got shoulder surgery yesterday to repair something something something and something from her car accident.  Doctor lingo...whatever, dude.  I'm not impressed when you throw medical terminology at me.  Anyway, that means that I get to take 3 days off work this week to help her recover.  Translation...lay around in my underwear on the couch and sky hook mini bags of Cheetos to her when she gets hungry.  Wheelz can get shoulder surgery every month for all I care as long as it gets me out of work for a few days.  Plus I shot some pretty hilarious videos of her high as balls immediately following the procedure.  In her inebriated state, I almost had her convinced there were complications and doctors had to remove some of her fingers on her left hand.  I'm awesome at being married.  Let's dig in.

Ugh, Michigan.  Christ, that was fucking ugly.  Good thing I wasn't subjected to watching that flaming pile of bloody stool as I was rounding off football wedding season on Saturday.  And it was a good thing I snuck in my flask of rumplemintz since, you know, having a no liquor wedding reception is still a thing.  WUT?!  I'm sure the bar tender caught on somewhere between my 9th and 15th coke ordered since Forrest Gump is the only one who drinks non spiked pop in that sort of volume.  Speaking of good things...It's a real good thing Fitz Toussaint opened his douchy fucking mouth the week leading up to this game.  He REALLY backed it up with that stunning 2.5 yards per carry.  Let this be a lesson to you loud mouth skid marks out there.  Don't fucking tap the aquarium.  Welp.  That's our season.  All that's left is to hopefully beat Ohio and finish out the year playing in the Outback Bowl.  Yay.

And in other news Ohio finally didn't struggle against Purdue for a change.  Way to exorcise that Boilermaker demon, guys.  Good work on blowing out a 1 win team.

Can we all officially LULZ at Northwestern now?  First for STILL not having a Big 10 win after Cakes publicly fellated Patty Fitz and the Fighting Greenbergs on Facebook after taking Ohio to the limit.  At some point you have to stop making excuses for a team you know isn't any good.  Cut the cord, you guys.  And second, for these God awful things.

Mother of fucking mercy.  It looks like the Statue of Liberty had an abortion and they turned it into a football jersey.  Maryland players love it...because now they aren't the only one that look like complete fucking jackasses on Saturdays.

ASU head coach Todd Graham has some iron sack pellets, man.  He and his son were on a recruiting trip over the weekend when the plane they were both in lost control and plummeted 25,000 feet on a dive before the pilots were able to level it back out at about 10,000.  The story is right here so you can get the details.


But the part that just fucking stuns my tits raw is how this crazy dickwad gets BACK ONTO A FUCKING PLANE A FEW HOURS LATER.  Uhhhh, fist yourself.  I'll be getting a rental car and driving the rest of the way, thankyouverymuch.  I don't give a sweet, hariy fuck where I'm at in the country and how far away from home I am.  Car.  Now.

Anyone in the country (all Ohio fans) expecting a Florida State upset were sorely disappointed, Saturday.  Good.  FSU looks pretty for real and is almost a lock to play the most beatable team in the country, ROLL DAMN TIDE, for the national title this year.  Miami lost more than the game (and pride) as Duke "Silver" Johnson will watch the rest of the season on the sideline after suffering a broken ankle.  A real broken ankle...not the one Devone Bess administered to Ladarius Webb on Sunday.  This is about the worst thing that could've happened to a pretty good Miami team.  They'll probably suck balls now.

Speaking of Miami...Top douche toilet of the week and former DA U defensive lineman Dan Sileo was shit canned from his radio job this week for putting a Twitter bounty on FSU defensive tackle Timmy Jernigan.  This is why other countries think America is full of retards.  Because walking, talking dog turds like Sileo never learn from the multitude of other people in his profession who have lost their jobs for being sacks of shit on the air or on social media.  Now this fucktard is hitting Twitter again bitching about the death threats being made toward him and his family and how the original bounty tweet was merely a joke.  Sure it was.  Get fucked for eternity.

God.  How shitty is Notre Dame?  How much worse are their fans?  Cakes did get one thing right last year...those bastards sure do like to vanish.  The Irish are 7-2 so far but by how invisible their fans have been on social media this year you would think they're fucking 0-9.  Way to sneak one out against Navy, guys.  Almost as pathetic as barely beating Akron....and Uconn.  Fuck my life.

There really wasn't much to report this week as no major upsets went down.  This post will be one paragraph light today since fucking glory hog, G$ can't let a motherfucker do his God Damn job and report hilarious drug use by college coaches who are well into their 40s.  Have some faith, man.  Anyway, Wheelz is doing fine and will be back to nagging me about the attic in no time.  Enjoy, fellers.  FUCK YOU CAKES!


Anonymous said...

Get ready for lots of LOLZ to get handed out today!

What an absolutely beautiful day Saturday turned out to be with Michigan State's man handling of Michigan. Year 3 of the Brady Hoke Era everybody! LOLZ! What a fucking turd this guy is turning out to be. That's what you get for hiring this mediocre shitbag from his mediocre history at shitty schools. You knew shit was getting serious in the 4th quarter when he decided to throw that headset on for a minute. Great hire, Michigan.....I'm sure he's going to have tons of success against Urban Meyer. LOLZ. The lipstick has been wiped off of this pig.

Speaking of shit bags.....Taylor Lewan. What a captain! Guy is out there getting unsportsmanlike penalties....twisting facemasks of guys in the ground like he thinks he's William Gholston...and leading the worst OL that I've ever seen. What a fucking loser and yet Michigan fans have deified him for years. LOLZ.

Year 3 of the Brady Hoke Era and Mark Dantonio and his less talented Spartans have only widened the gap between the two schools. "Little Brother" has won 5 of the last 6....you are so dumb Fitz Touissaint....so fucking dumb for real. LOLZ.

Speaking of LOLZ....I'm looking at you Devin Gardner. Way to slide a full yard short on a crucial 3rd down in the 4th quarter you fucking pussy. Then after throwing the game clinching interception...it's time to hang your head and act like your hurt, because you've had enough. Michigan State broke your spirit. LOLZ at your vajayjay in that 4th quarter. You will be remembered as a quitter in that rivalry. Congrats.

Buckeyes slaughtered the worst team in the B1G.....yay. I am TOTES pleased with our play of late tho....who wants to fuck wit' us?

I am definitely excited to see our offense go against the MSU defense in Indy...I'm sure Michigan fans are just going to love that game....LOLZ.


GMoney said...

Don't worry. After tonight (take BG -24) we will be wearing that illustrious 0-9 crown.

Duke "Silver" Johnson is going to plummet in Cakes RB Rankings this week. Since I watch football and don't just talk about it while bathing in a port-o-john, I knew that Silver was one of the three best backs in the nation. That's a shame.

I told you about WE ON. When you play a team filled with bullies and gorillas on the defensive side, playing pussy ball isn't going to work. And to think, Sparty might be in the national title hunt if Andrew Maxwell never existed. That's a really good and painfully boring team.

The most impressive thing about FSU? They crushed the #7 team in the nation with a blind QB. What the fuck? Why would you play football without your contacts? Admittedly, I was in and out on this game but did they ever explain why Winston did this? Someone needs to give him a pair of Rick Vaughn glasses. His squinting really pissed me off. Johnny Football only squints when he is really high.

Tom Harmon should demand his number back.

#KILLSTRONG is still the most powerful force in football this year. Gophers sick!

Tonight starts #MACtion...ride the lightning!

Anonymous said...

Let's hope De'Anthony Thomas (black) caught the Fitz Toussaint bug and pisses off Stanford royally this weekend.

Brady Hoke is a rotten coach. Just rotten. With enough money to buy a small country and enough history to warrant big time attention, you think they'd attract better coaching candidates. RichRod needed time at WVU to build a decent program in the umm, lol, Big East, and OBVZ time isn't on the table at UM. Hoke? Grats on taking the SDSU Azteks to 9-4, YOU'RE HIRED.

That fat fuck can't even find the time to put on a headset. I'm sure it has something to do with his overly large sweat glands, and he can't deal with the extra weight. And then he promotes a WR to QB, THEN KEEPS HIM THE NEXT SEASON. I swear to Christ if I saw Philly Brown chucking long balls and scrambling around like a handicapped Joe Germaine, and then found out he was brought back for a full season, I'd start a couch fire.

Though, the Walmart Wolverines responded even better by picking him first team B1G. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

At least Jason Whitlock, that black asshole, signed off on him.

The only good coach anyone can remember has Parkinsons. Except Grumpy, he remembers Fielding Yost.


GMoney said...


I don't believe that The Hokester is going anywhere any time soon despite his shortcomings and gout.

Anonymous said...

The Cleveland Indians have won the AL Central more recently than Michigan has won a Big Ten Football Championship.....LOLZ!


Anonymous said...

Drew wins with the comment ^^^. God I hate saying that.


Anonymous said...

This is just Drew and Ide blowing each other in the comments today. You guys are beating a dead horse, BRAH. I never said Gardner was going to be first team Big 10. I also never said this is a good Michigan team. Hoke certainly hasn't lived up to expectations this year but he's far from being a shit coach. He's at least beat Ohio since taking over so he has some bargaining (potato) chips. But the leash is getting shorter if he keeps stringing together 4 loss seasons. We're not Nebraska.

Anonymous said...

And poke holes in it all you want...but Hoke also has won a. BCS game with some of the worst recruits to ever wear a Michigan uniform. But like I said...he better start to put it together or HE GONE!

GMoney said...

Hey Seal, the Cavs are terrible. They had no business winning that game last night and they were up 23 in the third quarter. Our best player is CJ Miles (followed by Tristan and then no one else). We don't run offensive plays ever. Anthony Bennett still hasn't made a shot. 'Nuff said.

Sorry to hijack the comments but I don't plan on dribbling again this week and it needed to be said.

Nate said...

"And poke holes in it all you want...but Hoke also has won a. BCS game with some of the worst recruits to ever wear a Michigan uniform. But like I said...he better start to put it together or HE GONE!"

Denard Robinson was responsible for Michigan going 11-2 that year, not Hoke.

(i.e. Vince Young winning 2005 National Championship, not Mack Brown).

Anonymous said...

You couldnt me more right, G$. They are NOT good. This is last year all over again. Anthony Bennett is laugh out fucking loud bad. The number 1 pick in the 2013 NBA draft has now played 4 games, and is yet to make a field goal. Way to go, Chris Grant, you faggot.

The bad thing is, there is no way this changes and they help develop him, because Mike Brown is our coach. He couldn't even run a legit offense with the greatest player on the planet - no way he helps Bennett fit in and get better.

I AM however surprised with the amount of time Bynum is playing. Jarrett Jack signing is good as well. CJ Miles being our best player so far this year equals another lottery pick.

In case you guys missed it, the stupid ass coaches/AP Douchbags voted Kentucky preseason number 1. Didnt they learn last year from crowning a bunch of unproven recruits? All that said... This team has some INCREDIBLE freshman talent on it.


Anonymous said...

Then we should fire all coaches, Nate. Since they have absolutely zero to do with wins and losses, apparently. I would expect that response from someone who thinks it's perfectly fine to offer a fantasy football trade to FagNasty after he was given the boot.

Anonymous said...

I thought that was Lange.

I'll bite, though. That was Hoke playing with someone elses toys. Shoelace wasn't his. We are seeing what he can do with his guys now, and it is definitely not progressing. This will be a 4 loss team minimum. Bet Nebraska.


Anonymous said...

"I AM however surprised with the amount of time Bynum is playing."

Then you also shouldn't be surprised that 4 games in Bynum is ALREADY reporting sharp pain in both surgically repaired knees. Makes my 13th round pick of Varejao in my fantasy draft looking pretty good. Until that bitch goes down around Christmas. Bynum = waste of time. And money.

GMoney said...

Nate, what the fuck does that mean? With that logic, Urban Frank Meyer 3 has no rings because those were Timmy Tenors. FACT.

Iceman, Nate is not Lange. You dumb.

Seal, I wouldn't call Bennett a waste because it isn't like anyone else taken in the top 5 is tearing it up so far, but jesus it would be nice if he showed some skills soon. I was terrified during camp when they told us that we were working pretty much entirely on defense and not practicing offensive sets at all. That is not what you want to hear. But apparently, Brown has some sort of all star coaching staff so it will probably get better.

I, too, have been pleasantly surprised with Bynum. He appears to give a fuck and looks to be in great shape. Let's just hope that his knees hold up.

GMoney said...

Iceman, Varejao looks like a shell of his former self out there. I wouldn't be bragging about that.

Anonymous said...

Maybe it was Lange. Same thing, right?

You're right. Denard wasn't his. But Hoke was able to do something with Denard in an offense that didn't fit his skill set that DickRod couldn't do in an offense that was designed for players like Denard. But yeah. Coaching doesn't matter that much. Kinda how URBZ had nothing to do with taking a 7 loss team and going undefeated the next year? Nice to see you're finally admitting URBZ is OVERRATED.

Nate said...

"Nate, what the fuck does that mean? With that logic, Urban Frank Meyer 3 has no rings because those were Timmy Tenors. FACT."

See Ide's post further up.

It's my contention that Rich Rod is starting to look like a better coach at UM than Hoke.

What's more troubling to you? A coach that does very well with somebody else's players and does progressively worse with his?

Or a coach that does terrible with somebody else's players, but does progressively better with his?

While it's true Urban won his first National Title with Zook's players, he also won his own with his players in 2008.

Tebow benefited from URBAN's scheme.

Borges was still using Rodriguez's scheme in their first year at UM. Result? 11-2.

So tell me, how did things go once Borges started working with Denard to make him a better passer in year 2? It was a transition to the pro-set that Borges & Hoke preferred and have traditionally run at their programs. The result? Mediocrity.

This year you're seeing the results with a fully pro-style offense.

Anonymous said...

100% right, Iceman. How scary is that, though? If that is what he can do with other peoples blacks, just imagine what he can do with his own.

Recruiting is a massive part of football, no? If true, then while Hoke was a better coach than RichRod, his recruiting and utilization of said guys have been abysmal to say the least.

Urban comes in and throws up goose eggs in the loss columns 21 games running. While it will be obvious to say his record will regress, due to going undefeated so much, it might be hard to say his teams wouldn't be better than they are now. You know, due to schedules.

If UFM starts chucking up hail mary victories to MAC schools and/or whatever The American Conference is, then fuck us, but I don't see that happening. Hoke has regressed massively in his 3 years. He can bring in all the shiny new recruits he wants, but he is proving to do fuckall with any of them.


Nate said...

"Kinda how URBZ had nothing to do with taking a 7 loss team and going undefeated the next year? Nice to see you're finally admitting URBZ is OVERRATED."

I'm comfortable stating that Urban's team in year 2 is better than his team in year 1.

If you can't realize that, you're letting your own personal agenda get in the way of objective analysis.

Anonymous said...

The one thing I loved about Tampa Bay winning the Super Bowl was when the first thing Gruden did was thank Dungy for the players.

It puts UFM in a peculiar position, because NO ONE predicted he'd flat out run the table the first year plus. Clearly he is a better coach then Luke FickeLOL, but comparing him to a replacement is LULZ.

Having said that, our team is much better this year than last year. Offensively, it's not even close. Defense, well, it's not horrible, but could be better.

UM went from 11-2 to 9-4 to at least that this year, if not worse. And while Iceman is getting ready to throw him away (Browns fan STREMPHIEST attribute), I'm sure there's still people like Ape who think Hoke is THEIR GUY. A real Michigan Man.


GMoney said...

Urban Meyer would be mopping up jizz at Ide's uncle's porn shop if it weren't for The Tens. God bless.

I should stop because this sounds like an excellent topic for the future AKA tomorrow AKA I have nothing else planned unless you want a live blog of the Gonorrhea/RedHawks game tonight.

Anonymous said...

Where is Ape?

Also, Ide...what happened with that fake casting call you were supposedly invited to? Weren't you supposed to have lunch with someone involved in that as well?


Brady said...

I still think NOrthwestern is going to beat Michigan. That's all I said after that game. I didn't crown them the new kings of college football as Iceman likes to try and convince everyone I did.

"Hopefully beat Ohio"... BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Good luck with that!

I didn't think Miami really had a shot to win but it didn't stop me from hoping. FSU is the real deal. That would be an awesome team for the bucks to play in the title game.

Bama is going down at some point this season. With everyone bashing the Ohio State schedule (rightfully so), ROLL DAMN TIDE hasn't played anybody either. They beat Ole Miss!!!! and Johnny retard (2 loss team). IMPRESSIVE. I'm looking forward to Saban having a stroke on the sideline

Anonymous said...

That long winded theory that I skimmed through since you talk too much is pretty cute, Ide. It would be even cuter if it were just Hoke's guys out there. Or did you forget there are still DickRod guys playing on this team? This Wolverine team hasn't been completely cleansed of the poison of DickRod yet. That's why I'm willing to wait and see what Hoke can do once those guys are gone. But it's not going to be a long leash since top 5 recruiting shouldn't take long to develop.

Without writing War and Peace up here like you did, I don't think it's time to panic. Yet.

Anonymous said...

We'll fear not, Cakes because Bama still has 3 ranked teams to play to improve their "weak" schedule. I know it's not the gauntlet like zero or one ranked team schedule Ohio plays year in and year out, but I suppose it'll have to do.

Do you enjoy being the worst?

Anonymous said...

Year 3. If he still plays DickRod losers then that's on him. I think for a program like UM and looking at what most ELITE schools do with new coaches, Id be worried.

Stanford outgunned you on a coaching hire.

Drew, I actually got taken out to an ELITE $300 lunch because the retard who scheduled it emailed me the wrong name. The ensuing reaction when they realized the full extent of their carelessness was priceless.

That whole movie thing is likely bullshit (surprise? ) but since I let them amuse me over a nice duck lunch, it would start filming next fall in Germany and Sean Penn might be attached to it. I haven't talked to them since. They will "be in touch."

Not bad for getting free passes to an open bar + movie premier. Bonus is that I have the email address to rsvp for next year.


Jeff said...

You can't praise Hoke for going 11-2 with RichRod poison players and then say that the poison players are the reason they suck now.

GMoney said...

And here I thought that Ide was going to be the next Daniel Day-Lewis.

Prime99 said...

Ohio fans should watch out... Cakes is up to his old tricks again...

Hoke should get another two years unless they could hire someone top notch before he's fired (Saban, Harbaugh, someone else far fetched, etc.) Short of that, stop the carousel and let shit develop.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Slow Seal...but, you jumped the gun on the comment of the day....thanks tho. Jeff just killed it.


Anonymous said...

Why can't I, Jeff? Most of those players were complete ass and questionable major conference talent to begin with. The fact Hoke won a BCS game with players that went 7-6 the year before is impressive. But I'm not delusional to think Hoke can sustain that sort of success rate long term with someone else's bad players. No coach can.

That's why I said it's not time to panic. Yet.

Mr. Ace said...

Here we go....

That was a complete and total embarrassment Saturday. M's D held strong as long as they could, even giving M a second chance at life with the INT, but they could only hang on so long. Good effort by them.

Taylor Lewan...meh. I wish he wouldn't have went all Sparty with guys unsportsmanlike conduct, but I didn't think it was nearly as bad as Sparty last year. And if you saw the blood pouring from his face then you can probably figure out that it was going both ways. I wouldn't have a problem if Hoke suspended him.

DG98. I wish he would have fit the ball out sooner, but he was just getting murdered. And Sparty is notorious for mugging wrs off the line, and getting away with it at home. It's hard for me to fault him too much. He basically got jumped on national tv for 3+ hours.

O line is all kinds of bad. It's time for one O line coach to go. We haven't developed any talent in 3 years.

Borges. I fucking hate that guy. My biggest beef with the play calling was that fucking horrible triple triple stack. I understand wanting to give DG an easy read on one side of the field, but when you tell one of the best D's that there is no chance that you are going to threaten one half of the field them you are asking to get killt. Also every time we ran on first down it resulted in 0 yards, allowing Sparty to tee off on 2nd and 3rd. I have had about enough of this guy.

Hoke. This is why I hated the hire. Hoke is a D line coach who delegates all the rest of the responsibilities because he can't do them. I have no idea what the fuck he does. But he needs to stay doing fucking something.

Hoke has 2 more years barring a a catastrophe next year. And I think I can deal with that... is not like M has been a nationally relevant program over the past decade. And I still think he deserves a chance to have a team full of guys players. I am in no hurry to go thru another coaching change. But he has to be willing to make changes to his coaching staff. Something has to give.


Brady said...

Hoke isn't anywhere close to being a top tier coach. Why can't Michigan fans see that? They should be drawing in the cream of the crop (or close to it) but you're OK with slugging through 8-4 seasons with some fat retard patrolling the sidelines. It's cool with me if it's cool with you I guess.

Anonymous said...

I gotta say...that was a pretty damn good/fair post by Ape. Well done, sir.


GMoney said...

Hokester is apparently drawing in great talent. That doesn't seem to be the issue. The development and schemes designed for that talent to succeed appears to be the problem. And that is correctable.

Based on who he is and what he did before coming to AA, I'm not sure that it's 100% fair to call him a failure after 2.5 years. After next year or 2015? Have at it, hoss.

Prime is angling for Lovie Smiff to be the next WE ON coach. I can sense it. Nice win last night, bro! MEOW!

Anonymous said...

Prior to the great URBZ hire, THE OSU dipped into the D1AA rehlem to get their next greatest coach.

Not like there was a line out the door to fill the gaping hole they created with RR. Plus we have the all mightly Michigan Man requirement.

I think HOKE was a fine hire for the circumstances. You only get a hire like Urbz once in a life time...

J Saul

Mr. Ace said...

I apologize for my elite comment and dropping the commenting mic for the day.

Anonymous said...

JSaul- I'm not really sure I see the Tressel comparison making much sense since he had a national title at this point in his Ohio State career.

I think it might be a little early to be calling for his head just yet, but if there isn't significant improvement by the end of next year I would then say its time for a change. If not, then I would imagine you all will just have to accept mediocrity....see Bo Pelini.


Anonymous said...

Wasn't a comparison. Was just shitting on Brady's expectation that UM should have a line out the door of Urban resumes trying to take over the helm. Some situations put you in a position to have to reach a bit.....

Especially when you hire a non-Michigan man and then show the world how you are willing to shit all over him during his tenure.
- J Saul

Anonymous said...

I didn't stop commenting because of what you said, Ace. I stopped because this is a dead argument. Ohio fans think Hoke is shit and was an awful hire. Most Michigan fans are cautiously optimistic he can still get the most out of the top 5 to 10 recruiting classes coming in. We're not going to change each other's minds and we're just pissing in the wind at this point.

GMoney said...


Prime99 said...

When in Rome.