Monday, October 07, 2013

The Worst of Week Five Vol.VII

Well I got me a fine wife, I got me old fiddle.  When the sun's comin' up, BradyCakes on the griddle.
If you watched the shockingly entertaining Browns/Bills game on Thursday, you probably saw this commercial.  Tomorrow night, NFL Network is doing one of their Football Life documentaries on Matt Millen.  Now, normally, I would just chortle at this notion (and Charles Rogers) and forget about it.  But then Double M had to show up on camera wearing overalls and I'm all sorts of intrigued now.  Why is he wearing these?  Does he not know that he is going to be on TV?  Is he related to Hillbilly Jim?  Does Matt Millen wear a denim onesie every minute that he is at home?  LOOK AT HOW HUGE HIS HEAD HIS!  This fascinates me.  I must know the answers.  So, well done, NFL Network, you have a guaranteed viewer tomorrow based solely on the subject's wardrobe choice.  And if Millen wants to talk about fighting Johnnie Morton while acting as the team president, I would like to know all the juicy details of that, too.  Didn't he call Morton a faggot?  Plus LOL draft picks.

The Skins are off this week as well as the Steelers so how can I possibly write this post?  Let's start with some INSIDER INFO.

Trent Richardson - I did a little digging this weekend (at a tailGREAT to boot!) and was able to get some dirt on T-Rich.  Apparently, #33 was a pretty big diva in the locker room and always had an entourage hanging around.  Now, if that is the case, then I am fine with getting rid of him. If you've got a knucklehead in your locker room that isn't producing like you want and someone wants to give you a nice deal for him, then trade him.  If Richardson actually was being a cock bag on a daily basis, then I am now on #TeamHaslam.  You're allowed to change your mind on things once you know more.

Roger Goodell - Oh, you think you're the King of the World but TWICE this year you've been punked by Bud Selig and have had to move games around to fit his schedule.  LOL!  And please knock off all the pink breast cancer stuff.  We all love tits.  Football doesn't need to remind us all of this.  The pink shoes and penalty flags need to go.

Don't Treadwell - College football related, but Iceman won't mention it (and why should he) so I will.  The worst coach in football history got shit-canned yesterday!  YAY!!!  Fuck him so hard.  I hope he never gets another job for what he did to my (AND HIS) alma mater.  Interim coach MIKE BATH will OWN!  By the way, we are 2.5 point underdogs to fucking UMass this week.

Lance Briggs - Good game in Chicago that I was OBVZ not expecting the Saints to win and maybe they wouldn't have if the ELITE drunk car destroyer didn't fall for a hard count late.

Tom Brady - Touchdown streak OVAH!  Yeah, the weather wasn't very good in the FOURF, but that is no excuse for his shittiness in the first three quarters.  What did I tell you, fantasy owners?  I WARNED YOU.  I warned you so hard.  Same thing with Spiller.  Never doubt me.

Gio Bernard - And that is why Green-Ellis will still get at least half the carries.  Hang on to the rock, BOY!

Calvin Johnson - I umped a high school showcase thing in the morning and got home at 2 so I had no idea that Megatron was out.  Was he even questionable throughout the week?  I'm just going to call him a bitch and move along.  Still not sure what to think about the Lions other than Kris Durham isn't good but is Fatt Stafford's power bottom.

Mike Butt Munchak - Why is Jackie Battle getting goal line carries?  Why are you kicking a FG down 9 with 2 seconds left?  Why do you have guys from Tiffin AND Heidelberg on your roster?  So many questions for a team that I care little about.

Rusty Dubs - Another average at best outing from Captain Charisma.  I hate him and I hate the Seahawks so I enjoyed them losing to the UNDEFEATED Trent Richardson.

Tavon Austin - For a guy that we were told was going to be a real game changer, they sure don't do anything with him at all.  By the way, Justin Black Man makes the Jaguars way more watchable.

Mike Wallace - Dude sucks.  He had 7 catches for 105 yards but they threw to him 16 times and I counted at least three drops.  OVERRATED.

EliTE and Mike - Three more interceptions for 0-5 Eli!  Mike Vick is hurt because Chip apparently wants to treat a man made of glass like a RB.  These two teams are garbage.

Cam Newton - Fart noise.  Bring back Jimmy Clausen.

T-Bone Romo - First of all, this game was all sorts of bananas and deserves all the ESPYs.  Second, it's hard to bag on a guy who threw for 500 yards and 5 touchdowns against the best team in the NFL.  But third and finally, I am going to anyway because Romo ALWAYS chokes.  This was no exception.  Denver played zero defense all day and he still found a reason to not come through in the clutch.  Hot damn that was a fun game.  Let's hope that Dallas is crushed emotionally and plays like shit next Sunday night.  I want to talk shit to a bunch of beaners and it will be more fun after a win.

FANTASY! - Well, I'm one week closer to Twitter after losing to Drew (probably) in the G$FL (thanks a bunch, Denver D!).  What was Maria Tiberi's handle?  I'll just take over that.  One of these days, I'm going to get struck by lightning and it will be TOTES deserved.  Owned Ide Burke Sucks in the MSFL to move to 5-0.  Having Peyton Manning is so great.  As long as Fat Ass Andy Reid keeps winning, Pey Pey gonna have to keep going strong.  Crushed Ape in the LFL because I'm better and more and handsome.  And FINALLY won in my "other league" thanks to old T-Bone Romo!  ELITE!

Fun day of football and I'm sure that tomorrow will start some terrific conversation as well.  The important thing to remember is that Matt Millen Doc tomorrow night and that Don't Treadwell is NO MORE.  DON'T TREADWELL ON ME.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

Finally had a bad fantasy weekend. Except in G$ FL where I will have yet another high score week in spite of my RB corps that got a combined 1 point. ELITE! Tell me how important a FACTOR back is again.

I will be back leter with my ELITE (RACIST) tales from my A List weekend with Hollywood types.

Ide

Grumpy said...

So now Mike Wallace is OVERRATED? I tried to tell you he was a one trick pony and drops a lot of balls. Give me some props.

GMoney said...

^No.

And Matt Schaub is done. He is mentally gone. 4 straight weeks with a pick six!

Terrelle Pryor > everyone else

Ide, we both can speak from experience on this, Pey Pey covers up a lot of stink on a roster. I'm not going to get too big of a Pey Pey forehead over his dominance yet. And remember that I slaughtered you with him.

Jeff said...

RAIDER NATION!!!! TP for MVP.

Anonymous said...

Pey Pey actually scares me a lot. I've seen this kind of thing before. He will dominate his way into the playoffs only to take it easy during Super Bowl when we need him the most. However, with TP riding pine, I may just throw him into the mix too. God I draft well.

However, I am now boasting Black Man on my team now, so my stable of black beasts named Torrey Smiff (he WILL get some tds soon), Black Man, Josh Gordon, and James Jones (keep laughing Randall Cobb owners) as well as Vernon Davis will run rampant on the league.

If AlfMo wants to get his 1989 626 in operable condition, then bonus.

Ide

GMoney said...

Alf will be great if we can ever make it to halftime not down 4 touchdowns.

I think that all Peyton owners are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Did you see that Cowboy Sambo nearly rip his head off his bionic neck in the 2nd qtr? That would have been sad yet entertaining.

The Iceman said...

Special shout out to Lange for benching Romo in the MSFL for Vick. It was a very puzzling move considering Romo has been a borderline ELITE fantasy QB thus far. This will make up for the game I fucking gift wrapped for Prime by leaving DeMouth Jackson on my bench.

I can't begin to explain how bad I feel for Larry Fitzgerald. Get the guy a fucking quarterback already!

I love everything about Mike Wallace being sucky. Dude is a shit head.

If John Fox was smart, he would tone it down a bit on the offensive side. I saw a stat somewhere that said something like the last 8 teams to lead the NFL in scoring didn't win the Super Bowl. So stop fucking running it up on people, dildo! I know this doesn't apply to yesterday's game against Dallas...but you can apply it to every single game before that. Maybe I'm just sick of Manning opening my ass wide enough to drive a semi through every other week. That happens when you're in 8 leagues.

Mr. Ace said...

If you see or know Fagnasty, be sure to make fun of him for being a felcher. Getting kicked out of such a great organization has to be tough on him. Make sure he is surrounded by sharp objects just in case he wants to end himself.

Fuck ya Iggles. Foles is the truf!! Why can't we play the Giants every week.

Pey Peys pick likely cost me a cover. I did some live betting on that game for the first time in awhile. After the Cowboys took the lead n the 4th I bought into the Broncos at +205!!! Thank you Tony Romo.

Phil Rivers is ass. Never forget that.

The Iceman said...

This is the only league I've ever been in where someone has been kicked out during the season. Keep in mind that I've been in at least one league for the past 20 years. Impressive feat, FagNasty.

I don't think anyone will disagree with kicking out FagNasty. I've been in too many leagues where dead beats don't pay their entry. It's the same story every time...I'll get ya next week, I'll get ya next week, I'll get ya next week. Rarely do I compliment Ace but I like the way he flexed his commish muscles on this one. It's October for Christ sake. Get your fucking money in and stop being a piece of shit or face the consequences.

GMoney said...

He's probably going to blame Obama like he does about everything else on FB. I have no problem giving him das boot. Methinks that if he were 5-0 (like me) instead of 0-5 and never changing his lineup, he would have paid by now. My only question is how are we handling his team now? Is Ape just going to update it weekly to make sure he's nto starting bye week guys? I'm for that. Who takes it up the ass for the lack of his dues when it comes to payouts? I vote for taking 20 away from each division winner.

By the way, two/three weeks ago I offered Julius Thomas to Dut in the LFL for Andre Johnson and he thought it was ridiculous. How dumb is he? Andre is terrible and Julius is a point machine.

I didn't put much on Denver since the line on my site yesterday was -9. Put much better money on the Raiders.

Anonymous said...

I TOTES beat G$....he's definitely going to be on twitter. Very proud of that bet idea I made.

How about instead of changing your mind...you just admit that you were wrong about T-Rich and that DROOLER WAS RIGHT. All you fucks can start to admit it. He had yet another fucking awful game and is averaging less than 3 ypc during his time in Indy. I told all you that he just wasn't very good. "But, his QB was Weeden"...LOLZ...look at the improvement with Luck! Suck it bitches.

Yeah, seeing Megatron was out an hour before the game yesterday pretty much put the nail in the coffin that the two decade losing streak in Lambeau was going down. He hadn't missed a game since 2010, so it must have really bugged him. He says he was "very, very close" though...so, I'd assume he's back this week. Offense was putrid without him.

--Drew

Mr. Ace said...

I updated the league manager note to explain how his team will be handled. I am making him team tank through week 11 so that everybody will get a a victory over him. However the last two weeks, when Nate B and Prime face him for the second time, I will assemble the best starting lineup possible for him so that they dont get 2 "byes". I think this is the best way. And so it shall be.

The money will be removed like so, Division winners lose 10 each, 2nd and 3rd place lose 10 each. So the champ is not affected.

Fagnasty was basically dead weight and he knew it. He was probably going to take great enjoyment in tanking ans trying to fuck everybody and I wasn't going to give him that satisfaction. HE GONE!

GMoney said...

To be fair to Richardson, not many backs rack up big yards against the Niners and Hawks. But to be fair to myself, stop standing up for a black.

Dut gay.

GMoney said...

So are they getting a bye against a team with not starters or are you just leaving his lineup as is? Because I want to you leave it as is and then when someone loses to him, we will kick them out of the league forever. BOOT EVERYONE BUT ME!!!

Anonymous said...

Let's re-visit some comments from the T-Rich trade...

Ide: "TRich is a fucking beast. We should have built our offense around him"

Nate: "a game changing RB."

Slow Seal...LOLZ..he got the last part right: "How fucking stupid is Drew? Those statistics are with a TERRIBLE QB and an even worse OL. Defenses stack the box with 8 guys every week daring Weeden to beat them, because he cant. But youre right, Drew - Trent isnt very good. "

G$.....say whatever you want about the Colts opponents, but the other Colts RB's are all doing better than T-Rich.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

There's a mounting pile of evidence suggesting that Richardson is an average-at-best player. And if that's the case (which it appears to be), this is an absolute steal and genius trade by the Browns.

Last year Richardson averaged 3.6 yards per carry (40th in the NFL) and only had two runs of 20 yards or more.

It wasn't his line's fault either. According to the advanced football stat site ProFootballFocus, the Browns had the 11th best running blocking line in the league last year, and the 5th best line overall. His back-up last year, Montario Hardesty, averaged 4.2 yards per carry behind the same line, which would have ranked 21st in the league.

So far for the Colts he has 51 carries for 151 yards (2.9 yards per carry) and zero runs of 20 yards or more. The four other Colts players who have at least 10 rushing attempts are all averaging 4.5 yards per carry or more.

Those are the statistics of a below-replacement level running back. And the Browns, who've become incredibly compelling since the trade, got a 1st-round pick for him.

The Iceman said...

"So are they getting a bye against a team with not starters or are you just leaving his lineup as is?"

You're really awesome at reading instructions. The information you desire is in the league note on the home page, Corky!

GMoney said...

My ESPN app is down for some reason this morning and the site is blocked at work. DEAL WITH IT.

The only thing that all of those stats tell me is that Weeden and Luck are equals apparently!

The Iceman said...

I'll admit that Richardson isn't making a very strong case for himself right now and is slowly showing everyone the Browns may have been right about him all along.

But I'm not going to completely crucify T-Rich and call the Browns geniuses yet for 2 reasons. First, he was tossed into a brand new offense 3 weeks ago and has been learning on the fly. I can't imagine learning a new playbook as you go is very easy especially considering 2 of those 3 games were against very very good run defenses. Second, we have to see what the Browns do with this pick. If they end up drafting a guy who ends up being a total bust and has a worse career than Richardson then you really can't make an argument the Browns won in the trade.

Anonymous said...

Bad decision on my part Iceman. I went back and forth on it all week, figured Rhomo would come up limp dick in a big game. I was way wrong. Your welcome for the W.

T.P. Actually had some good zip on his passes last night. The raiders are bad but he makes them watchable. I'm all in on T.P.

Rhomo proved why he is borderline elite by the end of that game. Great stats but awful finisher. He will come out against the redskins and blow dick.... Guaranteed.

----Lange

Anonymous said...

So Saturday happened. As some of you saw on facebook, I was hanging with Vinny Chase and the boys and went to a movie premiere of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. So, I get there and read my email and noticed that I'm invited to the after party. I ask where it was and they told me it was separate from the studio's and would be at a hotel nearby.

The movie was good.

So, I go down to the hotel and am just walking wherever the crowd/security is going/pointing. I round a corner and slam into someone, but don't really pay attention. I notice this beautiful blond that I take a notice for a good moment, probably pretty obviously. Actually, pretty obviously, but she did look familiar.

I look over, and the guy I ran into was Ben Stiller. My first thought was "what the fuck is he doing here?" then I shook his hand and congratulated him on his movie (he directed it too). His wife (the hot girl from Dodgeball) was the one I was gawking at. Oh, and spoiler alert, she mentioned that the script for Zoolander 2 is finished. You're welcome for that HOT SCOOP.

We walk into the the room and he is swarmed by everybody, so I grab some sliders and tacos and make my way to the open bar. I stand next to some black guy who is fighting with some fat white girl (haha). She storms off and he turns to me in a British accent and says he needs a shot, so I offer to do one with him, then notice it was Adebisi from Oz. Black as night, African name, and British accent. It was...unexpected. Good guy though. Got back with that fat girl later on. Haha.

I go out to the balcony and make conversation with a couple of "actors" and the like, when Adam Scott comes out to smoke. People are taking pictures and kissing his ass and he comes up to us. He was an actually pretty cool guy.

I am standing to his left, and he turns away from me and his back is COVERED in red liquid. The guy on his right puts his hand around him like chums, and Adam makes some comment to which I reply, "thats cool, what the fuck happened to your suit?" Not at all related to what he was saying. He got annoyed like I was fucking with him until the other guy looked at his now red soaked sleeve and hand.

He takes his jacket off and I inspect it, telling him it was either sangria of vomit. Then I smelled it. It was vomit. Some girl vomited on him like a fucking ninja without ANYONE noticing. This was awesome. Him getting fired up over someone yakking all over his suit was just comical. Dude has some real chops.

I go back inside and just drop in on random conversations taking place near the bar. I'm getting pretty drunk at this moment as the only liquor to drink was Jack, or some gay rum. I try to hide the erection I have when that Taylor girl from Orange is the New Black walks up (ELITE show btw), probably unsuccessfully. And that director from the new Carrie movie says I am hilarious and gets my information to contact me later. I laugh, because, fuck it, I'm a fish out of water, and could care less about any of these people.

Sean Penn is getting blasted off of wine in the corner by himself. He looks miserable.

This black woman approaches me while I am tanking some more sliders and says she overheard one of my conversations and had to come over to me. I told her I didn't act and had fuckall to do with the entertainment industry. She said I was raw talent and could be great in front of the camera. She is a talent scout/casting girl for that Weinstein company.

She goes to tell me to screen test for a part in an upcoming WW2 movie. The part? A fucking Nazi concentration camp guard who steals gold teeth from the Jews at night. Then asks if I was comfortable with racism. "I could probably swing it".

I have zero interest in acting, but if I get to be a gold teeth stealing Nazi. Then I am ALL IN.

We are doing lunch on Wednesday with produces and setting up a screen test.

I am the best networker in the history of ever.

Also, I hooked up with Kristen Wiigs personal assistant. I was on fire that night.

Ide

GMoney said...

I hope you're right, Lange.

Choosing to start Vick against the worst team in the league was the right call.

I'm sorry, Iceman, I didn't mean to give you the DEAL WITH IT treatment. I meant to tell you to GIVE IT A REST.

Matt Millen Overalls. Today's caption is one of my favorites.

GMoney said...

There is no way that any of that story is true. I've seen you shit-house drunk plenty of times and no one in their right mind is actively seeking your conversation let alone complimenting your potential acting prowess. The only part that I believe is that Adebisi is tapping a white whale.

Stop the lies.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to make of Ide's post. I'm going to think about it more.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I drank water after every drink. There was no way I was showing my ass that night. Plus it was during the game so there was some control.

That Adam Scott story is TOTES true. The funny this was all these girls at the end of the night making up how they saw it all happen.

I haven't a clue why anyone was even talking to me. Every guy there was an actor and ran around giving out headshots. It was pathetic.

Ide

Brady said...

Welcome to the TEAM TRADE bandwaggon, everyone! It's nice to have you on board.

I've also heard the rumors that TRich was quite the diva. Joe Thomas also said he wasted too much time dancing around instead of just hitting the hole. This trade is looking more like highway robbery every week. I don't care if they keep winning or not. A first rounder for an everage back is TITS!

However, I agree with Iceman on not evaluating the entire trade until we see who gets drafted. The Browns have a long and hilarious history of bad picks. We'll see what happens. Mingo is looking like a homerun so far though. That gives me a little more hope for next April.

Brady said...

Whoa! I posted before reading Ide's story. That's quite a tale to try and digest.

The Iceman said...

"That Adam Scott story is TOTES true."

This implies the rest of the story was completely made up. G$ nailed it. If by chance it's not totally made up and Ide breaks into the movie biz, I'm expecting to be on the red carpet with him at least once.

Jeff said...

So all you need is an email to attend A-List after parties?

Makes sense.

GMoney said...

I'm offended that he considers Ben Stiller to be an A-lister.

Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Yes. You get confirmation via email in 2013. When the Yinzers catch up to that neat trick 23 years from now, it will be the cats ass.

I got the email address to RSVP to though the guy who owns my office. I sent it in thinking what the hell and got in. I took absolutely bone of it seriously and still dont. However, free food, booze, and a movie that doesnt come out for another 3 months. Count me in Mr. Belding.

The "scene" was so stupid. "Actors" and "models" (in NYC that means servers and bartenders) were trying to get noticed. I pissed this one guy off after he told me a studio is making his life story and recent arrest about coming over from Albania into a movie. I threw out a Simpsons reference then asked what he got arrested for. After going mum on the subject I respond, "oh, that must be the twist at the end. Cant wait for that to hit the theater." Then walked away.

Again, I have no idea why people were talking to me. I do network for my job s lot and do pretty well, but the last thing I wanted to do is talk movies with those assholes.

Ide

Prime99 said...

The funniest part of Ide's story was when his friend on Facebook said, "Your Z List bro."

Ah, the Bears. The more the change, the more they stay the same. They better hooker-ass-punch the Giants on Thursday.

Matt Schaub must feel so shitty. Dude is ending his career right now in front of the world.

The Iceman said...

Since the NBA season is right around the corner I figured it would be okay to offer this up.

http://www.rotoworld.com/player/nba/2129/anthony-bennett

LULZ! Paul Pierce Jr. Captain Chub Tits.

GMoney said...

While he is incredibly objectionable, every team on the planet would be fine having a Paul Pierce clone on their squadron minus the stab wounds and face pubes.

GMoney said...

Also, big FUCK YOU to the Islanders on Saturday night for trying to cheat us with their crooked zamboni. You can not get one over on THEE Todd Richards.

Jeff said...

Goddamn IDElanders