Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Money Shot's Annual NBA Preview

Iceman say what?
As you most definitely already know, we are a few days late with Iceman and I’s annual NBA Preview Post. Fear not, you rabid hoops fans, because here it is. I’m not going to spend a lot of words on the intro because this bitch is long enough already. The only thing that I wanted to mention before we start is that everything about Lamar Odom’s life is just the best. You deserve to be addicted to crack when you marry a wookie. I’m not rooting for Odom’s life to end but I am hoping that he hasn’t hit rock bottom yet. Now then, let’s tip this beauty off.

Most OVERRATED team - (Ice) Easiest question I'll answer all day...Brooklyn. When you raid Boston's Depends closet in order to try and build a title contender, you're going to lose and with some God Damn flair. I would say this team misses the playoffs but the East is just too shitty. So they'll probably get in but expect them to lose first round. Hopefully in a sweep.
($) Oklahoma City.  Yeah, I said it.  They have no DEPF outside of Durant, Ibaka, and a gimpy Westbrook.  Let's not forget that Scott Brooks kind of sucks.  It's sad but I think that Durant might already have a foot out the door in OKC.  Their window is closed.  James Harden slammed it shut on the way out.  Yeah, they may make the West Finals, but I just don't see the Thunder as a legit title contender anymore.

Most underrated team - (Ice) Dallas. The Mavericks barely missed the playoffs last year and did most of it without Dirk, who missed half the season. They lost Orange Juice Mayonnaise to the Bucks but added Jose Calderon and Monta Ellis. Two very solid players. Plus Shawn Marion and his weirdo fuckin girl shot can still produce. The only negative is Black Frankenstein, a.k.a. Samuel Dalembert, appears to be the starting center. Despite the grossness of that, Dallas should be back in the playoffs this year with a healthy Dirk Nowitzki.
($) New Orleans.  First of all, Dallas is trash.  Monta Ellis has never played on a team who won more than 4 games.  He plays loser-ball.  I like the Pelicans.  They have an interesting lineup.  They fleeced Philly for Jrue Holiday and have Unibrow, Ryan Anderson, Tyreke (not a big fan), and hopefully a healthy Eric Gordon.  That's a legit lineup.

Most OVERRATED offseason move - (Ice) In order to avoid redundancy, I will avoid Brooklyn's hilarious move to get "better". Instead I will say Andrew Bynum to the Cavs. I get that Cleveland signed him for dumpster scraps. I also get that they protected themselves with the deal. But that now gives Cleveland TWO centers that can't stay on the floor. Did getting Bynum make them any better? I'm not sure it did since most likely by the All-Star break they'll be starting Tyler Zeller's huge nose in the middle. I just don't trust Bynum's body and Varejao's gayness.
($) Dwight Howard.  He's a cancer.  That is Harden's team and he is going to act like an alpha dog anyway.  Houston is absolutely not a title contender.

Most underrated offseason move - (Ice) Without question it's Paul Millsap to the Hawks. Millsap is the fucking trash man and just cleans glass for 40 minutes. Dude can score too and proved it in a very crowded Utah front court last year. Millsap is a helluva nice player has been pretty invisible for most of his career because I think they have about 7 TV channels in the entire state of Utah and they play re-runs of Sister Wives on 6 of them. Look for Millsap to have his best year of an already really good career.
($) JJ Redick and Jared Dudley.  The big knock on the Clippers last year, outside of Vinny Del Negro being an idiot, was that they had no three point shooters other than the criminally insane Matt Barnes.  Problem fucking solved now.  Redick and Dudley are too damn good role players that will space the floor better and make Paul and Griffin even better.  Plus, the less touches for Deandre Jordan, the better.

Breakout Player: (Ice) Homer pick and Drooler boner alert! Andre Drummond. The ONLY reason I'm putting him here is because now that Larry Franks is out of Detroit, I'm assuming Mo Cheeks, Mo Problems is going to be smart enough to play Drummond at least 30 minutes a game. Something dickless Franks should have been doing instead of getting into public slap fights with Rodney Stuckey every 2 weeks. If, and when, Drummond plays starters minutes, he is going to be a fucking animal. He's been tearing up assholes in the preseason and watching him get better every day mystifies me as to how he dropped to the Pistons at the 8th spot.
($) Chandler Parsons. The Rockets are going to be on national TV a ton this year which will give Joe The Plumber the chance to see that Parsons is just as valuable to Houston as their "Subpar-man".  Plus, he's white and has TV Guide's sent to his apartment addressed to Ms. Chanandler Parsons.

MVP - (Ice) It can't possibly go to Lebron again, right? RIGHT?! One of these days Kevin Durant is going to find a way to win it over Lebron. He's just too God damn good not to. And I think this is that year. Kevin Durant takes it home in a close one.
($) Since Spike Albrecht is still in college, I guess I'll give it to LeBron before he comes back home like a good boy.

Rookie of the Year - (Ice) Victor Oladipo. I think just by sheer volume of minutes he's going to get and overall lack of talent on the Magic, he has a clear advantage over everyone else.
($) Cody Zeller.  I was going to pick Trey Burke Sucks because this award seems to always skew toward PGs, but I'll go with the other Crean Pie product instead.  I mean, Michael Jordan wouldn't draft a turd, would he?

Worst team in the league is - (Ice) The Phoenix Suns. I flirted with going with Orlando for the second year in a row but since the Suns didn't improve their already ass roster from last year, they get this dubious award. And no...Eric Bledsoe is not an improvement. Not sure where all these Bledsoe boners are coming from. Cue Seal sprinting to defend the honor of Eric Bledsoe.
($) Philadelphia 76ers.  Phoenix is an inspired choice but I feel like they are too dumb to properly tank.  They'll actually be stupid and play hard.  The Sixers no what's at stake, BRAH, and they are more than happy to flush 82 games down the shitter for Maple Jordan.

Fantasy Sleeper is - (Ice) Derrick Favors. There were far too many mouths to feed in Utah's front court last year and Favors appeared to be the runt averaging 9 and 7 while logging only 23 minutes a game. Now two of those fat little pigs have moved on to different teams and Favors hasn't wasted any time kicking ass. Imagine what 9 and 7 would be extrapolated to over 30 plus minutes a game. You're welcome.
($) Evan Turner.  He's a pretty good all-around player and somebody has to put up stats for this team.  I'll say that old Uncle Tom puts up a nice statistical season before he walks out the door when his contract runs out.

East winners - (Ice) Heat. It will always be the Heat until Lebron leaves.
($) Knicks.  LOL J/K they blow.  Fuck it, I'm picking the Bulls to win the East because I want LeBron to leave now.

West winners - (Ice) This qualifies as a bold prediction as well. With the Thunder banged up and starting Kendrick Perkins on purpose and the Spurs old and dumb I'm gonna roll the dice and say the Rockets. What the fuck...get nuts, right?
($) The Los Angeles Clippers.  You may think that Doc Rivers is OVERRATED, but you can't deny that he's a massive upgrade on the bench.  I already mentioned Redick and Dudley, but the Clips also signed THEE BYRON JAMES MULLENS AKA Triple Threat.  This team has no holes!  I was going to pick the Warriors but Andrew Bogut looks like a guy I know and that guy is a total faggot.

Champs - (Ice) Heat 3 peat.
($) Bulls by default.  This world was not designed to handle an LA Clippers championship.

(Ice) Now onto the Pistons. As you remember last year I boldly picked them to make the playoffs and win at least a series. Yeah...that was pretty dumb. Well it's playoffs or bust for Detroit this year with that off season overhaul and Dumars better be praying every single fucking day that it works out or HE GONE! As long as they stay healthy it should be relatively easy to do. But there's enough talent on this team to be at least the 6th seed in the East...and that's about where I expect them to be.
($) Now onto the Cavs.  I'm just like every other expert out there...I have no fucking clue what to expect from this team.  There is no doubt that they have a ton of young talent but I have no idea if it is ready to win.  Kyrie is great but I think that he's a little OVERRATED.  I think that Mike Brown Pt. 2 is an upgrade on the bench. These idiots need to learn how to play defense.  And I think that they will.  I've seen us ranked anywhere from a 5 seed to just missing the playoffs.  OBVZ this should be an interesting year but I'm going to play it close to the vest.  The Cavs miss the playoffs again and win something like 38 games.

Iceman picked his and Kid Rock’s Pistons to make the playoffs again! This year he has them being even better! Can’t wait to see how it shakes out! As a reminder, he has Heat over Rockets (man, that would be awful) and I picked the Bulls over the Clippers (nice opening night loss to the no-name Lakers, Doc!). But really the only things to concern yourself with during this upcoming NBA season are LeBron’s desire to come back home (a guarantee!) and Austin Carr’s continued excellence on the microphone. IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED THEN THROW THE HAM-MA DOWN!!!

31 comments:

GMoney said...

Pretty good first impression from the wine and gold last night. Andrew Bynum is already dominating obvz. It is always good to watch KG lose.

Jeff said...

Champions of the World!!!!!!

GMoney said...

Get the fuck out of here.

By the way, Tristan Thompson is a legitimate big man now that he's shooting with his correct hand (jesus christ SMDH).

Austin Carr was goddamn glorious on the mic last night. Welcome back, Cavs basketball.

Anonymous said...

Good preview gentlemen. The only beef I had with it was Iceman somehow labeling the signing of Bynum as "the most overrated" move of the off-season. Who's been making that a huge deal?? It seems like everyone was on the same page that it was an extremely cheap deal that the Cavs can get out of at basically anytime and there really aren't any big expectations for him. I haven't seen anyone expecting hte guy to be a beast...basically if they can get anything out of him then it was a solid deal.

I think the Pistons and Cavs will finish 6 and 7 in the East...with the Pistons finishing 6 of course, since Detroit teams traditionally always finish ahead of Cleveland teams.

I'm digging this new Pistons team and Drummond is so fucking good. That guy has #1 overall type of talent...amazing how lucky Dumars was for him to drop to us. Should be a fun year...even with the games where Jennings and Smiff go full YOLO and piss everybody off.

How about D-Wade not playing last night due to "rest"? It's fucking game 2. Evan Turner with 26 in that one.

I'm taking the Heat to win it over Golden State. LeBron wins MVP.....again.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Iceman is just racist against Cleveland (except for the Browns who he should be racist against). Giving Josh Smiff YUGE money is way riskier than what the Cavs did with Bynum.

You know who's great? Anderson Varejao. Deal with it.

Mr. Ace said...

Spurs are still the team to beat in the West and always will be as long as Pop and Duncan are around. They looked extra balanced last night. Already preparing for the playoffs.

Imagine how good the Pistons could be with Burke and no YOLO nights. Still mad they didn't get him. Utah had a lifetime tv ban.

Props to G$ recognizing that Kyrie is being overrated. The love for him is just getting a little out of hand. Especially for somebody who hasn't really done anything yet.

One of the subs at the school, an obvs raging flamer, came down to the office to say he was verbally accosted by a female student calling him a faggot 4 times during 1st period. Gay dudes are allowed to fight chicks right?

The Iceman said...

"Who's been making that a huge deal??"

Almost every Cavs fan. He's still young at 26 and has always been seen as an exceptional talent. Not by me, though. When the Cavs signed him that's when the fans starting talking playoffs. If you read what I said, I'm not sure the signing of Bynum makes them a better team because he simply cannot stay healthy. So I'm not sure why the fans were so jacked even though he was signed for essentially nothing.

What would be great is if he made it through this season and next healthy and drops 2 monsters. Then he ropes the Cavs into a back breaking deal next year and goes back to being a huge pussy.

"Spurs are still the team to beat in the West and always will be as long as Pop and Duncan are around. They looked extra balanced last night."

Duncan looked extra hurt last night too.

GMoney said...

Tough question, Ape. Was Uncle T allowed to brawl with someone more manly than Shook's Son?

I feel like Kyrie is a bit OVERRATED for a few reasons:

*He still relies too much on end of game "hero ball" as seen last night
*He plays NO DEFENSE (although Brown Stains will help with that)
*He has a tendency to miss games

The Iceman said...

I know this is an NBA post but I just couldn't resist. LOL!!

http://www.rotoworld.com/player/nfl/4716/fred-davis

GMoney said...

If Bynum puts up two monsters, he's out the do fo sho. He won't though.

Uh, Cavs fans were talking/expecting playoffs well before they signed Bynum.

Jeff said...

TWOLVES won. Championship!

Brady said...

The Cavs won last night. That's all I know about the young NBA season.

I'll be back when we can argue about football.

Prime99 said...

Heat lost to the Sixers last night? Yiiiikes.

Hey, the Kings beat the Butt-Nuggets. That's something.

G$- why must you continually jinx my teams with your predictions? Cubs for the World Series in your MLB prediction as well?

The Iceman said...

Apparently we have a lot of NBA fans in the house.

On a lighter note...BASEBALL IS OVER!

Anonymous said...

Where's Slow Seal? Yesterday, he bitched that he wanted NBA coverage. He gets it today and then doesn't show up. Very Cakes-like move.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

"Where's Slow Seal? Yesterday, he bitched that he wanted NBA coverage. He gets it today and then doesn't show up. Very Cakes-like move"

HATE agreeing with Drew...

I can't believe I didn't comment on this before. Fred McLeod and Austin Carr did a great job of tossing each others salad last night. Even Wheelz who hates the NBA with every fiber in her body and never pays attention when I watch, notcied last night how queer these guys are for each other. She said, "Who are these fags and why are they sucking each others dicks?". Sometimes she is the best.

Anonymous said...

The Cans did steal Jrooler Holiday but Carter-Williams looked solid last night.

G$, do you really think LeBron is going back to the Cavs? I cant tell if you are serious. I can tell you he wont. Ever.

J from J-Beanie

GMoney said...

Wheelz cleans AC's attic. But I won't argue that Fred McLeod is Dan Gilbert's bottom bitch. Bring back Reghi!

Slow Seal is always disappointing us. He's probably working on his RB rankings.

Prime, at least I didn't pick the Blackhawks.

GMoney said...

Good question: I don't think that I'm serious but I think that there is a chance albeit small. I'd say somewhere between 5-10%. I think it is about 95% that he will retire with the Cavs but those aren't the year/years that I want, dammit.

WE MUST BELIEVE!!!

Anonymous said...

I forgot how much Drew looks forward to my posts, my apologies...

I actually think Brooklyn will be a decent team after a month or so. Going to take some time for them to gel - but once they do, I think they are a playoff team. Im going with the Bulls as most OVERRATED team - only because I hate them and am so sick of the D Rose hype. The heat will lose no more than 1 game to them in a playoff series.

Until I actually see someone take the crown of championship and MVP from Lebron he is my pick. Guy has improved every season in the league, but I am not sure how he can get any better than last year.

I love the Oladipo ROY pick. On a shit team and will play huge minutes. Could be the same situation with Michael Carter Williams as well after seeing that fag almost put up a quadruple double last night.

Underrated team has to be golden state - they are really good and get no pub.

Miami over whatever team battles it out in a very competitive Western conference this year... should be some good playoff series on that side. Ill take the Clips.

Pistons are a 6 seed, Cavs are an 8 seed. Kyrie is NOT overrated and health means everything to the Cavs. My prediction was 37 wins before I thought Bynum plays and before I saw Tristan has a right hand. We are a .500 team. Detroit is good, but will under perform like all of their sports teams.

God I hate Austin Carr.

Seal

Anonymous said...

God, from your burn all bridges break up letter to LeBron and your past scorn of Jim Tressel, you've proven to be about fairweather as a Bengal fan. Also you have really shown that your favorite color is YELLA.

Seal goes missing the day that talking dirty to minors is made legal jin Texas. Annulment incoming.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Oh and my underachieving comment was meant by, yes you will be a 6 seed, which isnt underachieving, but you wont win a playoff game.

Seal

Anonymous said...

I'll go with Durant winning the MVP over LBJ. Winning it 5 out of 6 years is ridiculous and I don't think the voters will allow it.

Bulls will probably be the one seed and lose is 5 to the heat. Rockets over Heat with Howard winning MVP. Proving that assholes always end on top

Larry

Anonymous said...

Who the fuck is Larry?

--Drew

The Iceman said...

Don't you remember, Drew? Larry is a full time reader but part time commenter because you are the second worst behind Cakes. It's gonna take a lot to unglue that crown from his head.

Anonymous said...

Larry is a part time commenter because I'm the second worst behind Cakes? That doesn't even make sense. Quit blabbering nonsense Iceman.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Larry is tasting my ass in the LFL standings.

Things change. I'm allowed to evolve as a human being. I may even get one of those EVOLVE bumper stickers for my car. You once hated black guys and now you can't leave the gym without swallowing up all their man-gravy.

Also underrated: Toronto. Psycho T only plays for winners, bruh!

The Iceman said...

Psycho T wears only Hanes tighty whities and tucks his practice jersey into his shorts. No short will go below the knee.

Anonymous said...

Completely off topic....but, rumor has it that Gene Smith will interview for the AD opening at Texas although he has denied those rumors...I'm just curious if anyone cares if he stays or goes? I'm quite certain that if he does go we will be able to get a top notch AD, just looking for anyone's thoughts on this matter...

Buke Burke

Nate said...

Burke,

Oliver Luck will be the next AD at Texas.

Smith won't be going anywhere any time soon as OSU AD. The Board of Trustees love him as he pretty much does what they ask him to.

GMoney said...

The state of Texas don't promote black. As Nate implied, he is The Board's slave.