Thursday, October 03, 2013

The Battle Heads East...Are You In?

The next James Bond?
In case you had not noticed, the 2013-14 NHL season dropped the puck on Tuesday night. Now, I am a man of the people and thus am giving into the high volume of post requests by previewing and predicting the Blue Jackets season as “the battle heads East”. If this post isn’t your style, don’t worry—you are far too huge of a pussy to carry a flag anyway. As the legendary Bo Ryan AKA Father of Burke might say…you know what he says. I don’t need to repeat Bo Ryan quotes.

When we last left our beloved CBJ, they were just concluding a fun and bizarre season in which they lost the 8th seed tie breaker to the Wild and thus guaranteed the Blackhawks another Stanley Cup that they would never have won if we stood in their path. I will never forget that final game of the season where Nationwide Arena was finally being treated like a hockey rink should be treated. The crowd was bananas. We accomplished nothing at all but it sure as shit didn’t feel like it. In essence, we pulled a Jackie Moon and won the Flint Mega Bowl on that final night. When the shortened 12-13 NHL season ended in June, there were only two happy fan bases: Chicago and Columbus.

There is a sense in central Ohio that we FINALLY have it figured out. We FINALLY have the right foundation and structure in place to compete. It only took 11 years of being ASS. JD and Jarmo have the “brick by brick” mantra rolling strong. Season tickets are way up (I’ve been told). There is more than just a buzz around I-270. There are now expectations. To me at least, just getting to the playoffs isn’t good enough and I don’t think that I’m alone on that. Our only prior playoff appearance was a painfully pathetic 4 game sweep courtesy of the Red Wings. I don’t want that to happen anymore. I demand the playoffs. I demand playoff wins. I DEMAND THE CUP. I figured that I would just ask myself and answer some questions surrounding this year’s CBJ.

Q: Jack Nicklaus is dropping the ceremonial puck before the opener tomorrow night. This is easily the most cherished moment of his life, right?
A: Yes. Nothing else compares. I heard that he wants to ride around on the Zamboni, too.

Q: Bob can’t possibly do THAT again, can he?
A: No, he will not. I don’t think that he is a Steve Mason-like fluke, but he’ll let a few more in than he did last season. My God, Bob was so fucking good last season. It would also be nice if we had a competent back-up that could give Bob a few days off instead of running this Russian stud into the ground.

Q: Since we are now in the Metro Division and thus considered Metrosexuals, what about your competition within the division?
A: The Penguins are an ELITE team with terrible goaltending but they will probably always be better than us. The Flyers employ Steve Mason so you know that they suck. The Devils just lost their best player to Russia. Washington is a frisky bunch who has more talent than we do but, for some reason, always seem to underachieve. The Islanders are kind of like us as they have been a punching bag forever but are now showing signs of life. I know nothing about the Hurricanes except that they have a black goalie and about 13 Staal brothers. The Rangers? Fuck those CBJ outcasts.

Q: That blue-line is fucking incredible, isn’t it?
A: One paper it looks damn fine. Jackie J/Tyutin, Nikitin/Prout, and Wiz/Ryan Murrey are really good pairings. Nikki Six scares the shit out of me but thankfully Tim Erixon is there as D7 just in case. As always the case, PLEASE STAY HEALTHY.

Q: As usual, how the fuck are we going to score?
A: That is always the big elephant in the room. They are going to have to get creative until Nate Horton makes his debut (it’s so nice to have big time free agents wanting to come here). If Gaborik can stay healthy, I really like the top line of him, Boone Jenner, and Dubinsky. I would like to see the three line of Cam, Calvert, and Anisimov be the #2 but whatever. I think that Dubi breaks out this year.

Q: Can we please—just once—have a league average power play?
A: Probably not. It is part of the league rules for the Jackets to have a terrible power play. Is there anything more frustrating than your team not being able to get a shot off on the advantage? This happens ALL THE TIME in Columbus.

Q: Who is your least favorite Blue Jacket? Who is your favorite?
A: Least favorite is easily RJ Umberger. Even though he is an Ohio Buckeye, I feel like most of the other Jacket backers are tired of him, too. Umby and Johansen absolutely HAVE to be better this year. Joey needs to figure out if he’s going to be a stud or a waste of that ELITE hockey body. As far as a favorite, I would probably have to say Cam Atkinson or Nick Foligno. Actually, my favorite Jacket is the one that just scored. It doesn’t happen often so we must cherish it. And OBVZ BOB.

Q: Finally, how does the season shake out for the Blue Jackets?
A: I think the playoffs are set up that the top 4 from each division make it (instead of the 8 highest point teams). We aren’t better than Pittsburgh and probably Washington. We are better than New Jersey, Carolina, and Philly (I don’t care how many goals they score). So it basically comes down to two spots for the Rangers, Islanders, and Blue Jackets. Fuck it—we’re finishing third in the Metro and winning a playoff series before getting our doors blown off by either Boston or Pittsburgh. Hockey is back, fuckos, so CARRY THE GODDAMN FLAG! GOTTA SEE IT LIVE! DEFEND NWA! FUCK DETROIT! If you’re asking me for a Stanley Cup prediction, I’ll pick my favorite fat-necked heavyweight, Ken Hitchcock, and his St. Louis Blues to beat the Penguins. Nelly will be so pumped. HEY! MUST BE G-MONAAAAAAYYYYYY!

Oh, you want me to predict the MLB divisional playoffs? Tigers over A’s in 5 because the Tigers always beat the A’s in the postseason unfortunately. Red Sox over Rays in 4. Red Sox over Indians in 3. Whoever won last night, I’m picking Boston to beat them (please be Tampa, please be Tampa, please be Tampa). Dodgers over Braves in 4 because The Soul Patrol actually sucks. Pirates over Cardinals in 5. If you watched any part of the Reds/Buccos game the other night, you know that the Pirates (and their fans) aren’t just happy to be here. They expect to win. Plus, Pirates fans like to wave The Jolly Roger at all times. Yes, that’s right, the Pirates also like to CARRY THE FLAG! How can you root against that?

And just as an FYI, the Reds never won another game after Lange broke all the rules of the LFL. Your Tigers might be next, Dut. JUST SAYIN’!


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ The #Windians last night. Way to show up losers! I think if you don't win your play-in game, then the Iceman was correct.

Maybe the fact that there were thousands of more fans than had shown up all season due to the front-running nature of Cleveland fans, that they scared the bats?

On to hockey....I did not know that the top four teams from each division is how the playoffs are set. THIS IS THE INFO THAT I PAY FOR HERE!

Red Wings beat Buffalo last night...this Eastern Conference thing seems like it will be easy.

I could have gone without Parros falling flat on his face on opening night to start a fighting debate tho.


Anonymous said...

Damnit G$.....I want a refund!

The Stanley Cup Playoffs will still consist of 16 teams, eight in each conference, but it will be division-based and a wild-card system has been added.

The top three teams in each division will make up the first 12 teams in the playoffs. The remaining four spots will be filled by the next two highest-placed finishers in each conference, based on regular-season points and regardless of division. It will be possible, then, for one division to send five teams to the postseason while the other sends three.

The seeding of the wild-card teams within each divisional playoff will be determined on the basis of regular-season points. The division winner with the most points in the conference will be matched against the wild-card team with the fewest points; the division winner with the second-most points in the conference will play the wild-card team with the second fewest points.

The teams finishing second and third in each division will play in the first round of the playoffs. The winners of each series will play for berths in the conference championship series.

The winners of the conference championships advance to the Stanley Cup Final.


GMoney said...

Sorry, my mistake. I was 75% right though!

Jared Boll is going to fight no matter what. It is his only use and he's pretty good at it to boot.

I said this on FB but I will say it again: you embarrassed yourselves last night, Cleveland. OBVZ you have an inferiority complex to Pittsburgh. They are better than you at almost everything. The only thing that you can say to your average Steel-tard is "Terrible Towels are gay" or whatever. Then what do you do? You give out your own version of them last night and all the empty seats dressed as people are waving them around like maniacs. EMBARRASSING. Seal probably was two-fisting towels.

And as Steelers fans know, waving towel doesn't lead to many wins in 2013.

Good to see that Nick Swisher still blows in the "postseason". I would have been pissed if he didn't.

I hope you all bought your "Wild Card Participant" t-shirts. SHUT UP NOW, CAKES.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone see Patrick Roy flipping out on Bruce Bourdeau at the end of their 6-1 win over the Ducks last night? Trying to push the glass over and everything. It's probably good for the NHL that that asshole is back involved.


Nate said...

I didn't watch a single MLB game this season.

Did I miss anything? Last time I checked, Cleveland was miserable.

Anonymous said...

Parros getting an ice nap was great, I'm glad hockey is back. I do love the coordinated efforts that players have respectful of each other as to whether or not they should remove their helmets or do it for each other.

Boll is a thug, but he is our thug, and he can throw a mean right. I love Gaborik and think he will do some big things this year, but you're right, we need at least 2 people to step up in a big way.

Umberger is complete ass. He got a pass for a long time being on that last playoff team in addition to being a Buckeye, but that was then. Step up, or get shipped off to the Rangers for another ELITE draft pick.

Speaking of draft picks, I don't think its a far reach to expect Rychel or Wennberg to make a big impact. Dano is highly coveted and by some estimations could be a top scorer, so I LOVE the youth on this team. We are scary looking toward the future.

And while our conference is highly gay in name, I think we have a really good shot to make the playoffs. Pittsburgh will likely have our number, but they are on the decline, and I see us trouncing the NYC teams (secured tix to MSG last night!! GOTTA SEE IT LIVE), and Carolina is LOLZ nowadays.

I think we make playoffs quite handily, where it won't be a race to the finish like it was last year. I also like us to win at least once series, maybe the conference finals. Then next year on we will be a juggernaut.

Also, RIP Country Mac. He was a faggot who died as he lived.


Anonymous said...

Front running Cleveland fans?!?!? Haahaa god you are so fucking stupid. The Browns blow every single year and every game sells out. Yea - Cleveland fans are front runners. You couldn't sound more fucking stupid. If anything - Cleveland fans are the exact opposite. Fans that SHOULDNT care as much as they do about terrible teams and organizations. Do us all a favor and fucking at least try not to sounds like the biggest fucking idiot on this site before you post. Or kill yourself - both would work.

Im not falling for you stupid ass troll about the towel's G$. Since when did this site turn into "troll Cleveland fans and sound like an idiot while doing it"?


GMoney said...

You copied a loathsome fanbases stupid tradition. That is not trolling. It's fucking sad. Was the Douche Bag Store out of Rally Monkeys?

I like the cut of Ide's gibe when it comes to CBJ predictions. I'm not quite as optomistic as I like to temper expectations when it comes to one of the worst pro franchises in sports history though. I'm more of a prove me wrong guy.

Here's a question though: What is more important, hockey points or points accumulated against a black belt? Mac is so retarded. I love him deeply.

FACT: The two best League episodes this season were without Ruxin. Very pleased with the amount of ass shown last night though. Was hoping for Catler, got Sofia and Jenny instead. I'll live.

Anonymous said...

I think front running fans is a bit much, but fairweather definitely. You can't argue that when the attendance record CLEARLY indicates that to be true.

I actually wanted the Windians to win yesterday. Not because I was cheering for them, but the fans do deserve to lose a series and not a game.

I grew up an A's fan, but I am the definition of a fairweather fan in baseball. I'll cheer them on, but if they lose...meh, CBJ is playing, who cares?


Anonymous said...

If its not trolling, then you sir are as fucking stupid as Drew. First, MULTIPLE baseball and basketball teams give away rally towels during playoff games. So dont act like the Indians are the first ones to do it and copied off of the Steelers. Second, its not like WE fans brought them from home to copy off of Pittsburgh. The organization gave us all something for coming to the playoff game (like a shirt, or bobblehead). You know a keepsake for finally hosting a game in cleveland that is somewhat meaningful. Last, I would seriously like to hear your reasoning behind rooting for Tampa? Why would you root for a division rival to beat a one of the most tortured fan bases in all of sports, that means absolutely nothing to you? To troll? Oh ok, you lose. Owning you and Drew before 11am today - wow I guess I can get to work now.


Brady said...

Hey Asdrubal, feel free to not hit into a double play for once in your life.

When you load the bases twice along with getting two men on with no out and you DONT score ONE fucking run, you deserve to lose. They had plenty of chances and couldn't deliver a clutch hit all night. I will still be excited for next year. They exceeded expectations and have set the groundwork for another playoff run.

Go Browns tonight. They need to pick us all up with a win.

Jeff said...

Schadenfreude, look it up. That's why you root for Tampa last night.

CARRY IT! Horton will put us over the top when he comes back and will lead us on a playoff run for a top 4 seed.

I love that top line too. Boone Jenner is a stud. God I hope that kid balls(pucks?) out.

Anonymous said...

Slooooooow Seal is a LIAR. The biggest MYTH in sports is that the Browns sell out every game. I can only imagine Slow Seal sitting at home every Sunday going...."Gosh Darnit....I'd love to go watch us lose in person, but all the tickets to the football game are gone because our fans are so good". LOLZ.

Slow's a fancy little tool for you. Copy and Paste it into your browser (you will have to drag your mouse cursor over it and right click to copy...then you put the cursor in the web address area and paste). It shows FACTUAL NFL attendance figures.

According to here ( the Browns have not sold out every game since 2008 when they had 99.4% attendance. The year before they had, we're going on year 5 of not selling out every game.

Now gets even BETTER! You can go to this link ( and GET TICKETS FOR THE GAME TONIGHT! Holy shit...the Browns are in 1st place and there are still tickets available for tonight's game on Ticketmaster! Get that credit card out Slow Seal! You're going to the game! gets EVEN BETTER! If you buy 5 Kraft products from Giant Eagle...then you get yourself a "BUY ONE TICKET, GET ONE FREE" to a Browns game! ( Amazing deal since all the games always sell out! Buy one, get one free! Oh wait...they all don't sell tonight's.

The Browns unselfishly buy up all remaining tickets so that their games aren't blacked out. That's nice. But, as the Ticketmaster and Giant Eagle links fucks don't really sell out all your games and are actually desperate to sell right now.

Oh...and whatever term you wanna use...front running...fair's pathetic that Indians fans waited til' game 163 to sell out when they had the best team they had in years.

Now excuse me gentlemen as I go wipe Seal blood off of my hands. He's on his period, so it's extra messy.


GMoney said...

Seal's all butt-hurt. I was rooting for Tampa because I hate Joe Maddon. I am smart enough to not have to pick sides. But I'm fine with the end result because the Losedians had no chance of beating Boston and the Rays do. So it is the lesser of two evils.

MULTIPLE baseball and basketball teams give away rally towels during playoff games.
--Does that make it right? Does that make it something that you should do, too? How about the old adage of jumping off a bridge--would you do it if Larry Dolan told you to?

Second, its not like WE fans brought them from home to copy off of Pittsburgh.
--That doesn't mean that you HAVE to wave them around like a stereotypical Mike Tomlin supporter, does it?

Why would you root for a division rival to beat a one of the most tortured fan bases in all of sports, that means absolutely nothing to you? To troll?
--I justified my action (or inaction since I only watched that hilarious bottom of the 9th) above. After hijacking the comments constantly over the past few months, you deserved to lose and for us to laugh about it.

You may own Drool, but you will never call me Toby. Until next year, fans of the Baseball Steelers!!!

GMoney said...

That is supposed to say "I wasn't rooting for Tampa".

Mr. Ace said...

Seal...I think Drew put a new hole in your butt.

Anonymous said...

Butt hurt slow seal is my favorite slow seal.

Nobody feels bad for Cleveland teams because their fans constantly cry about never winning.

The towel waving in the stands is and has been at playoff games for years. I actually like it. Can't make fun of windian fans for that.

Call me a hater, but I still think the Indians are a ways off from being a real threat for the World Series. Their dreadful record against teams with winning records is exhibit A. Your lack of any elite talent is exhibit B.



Nate said...


GMoney said...

Dut, I don't mind towel waving (I guess) or any other sort of retarded fan-rallying gesture besides thunder sticks because FUCK THOSE THINGS but when you constantly rip on your "rivals" for doing it, you shouldn't do it either. Have some respeck for yo'self.

Prime99 said...

As long as "The Wave" didn't occur, who gives a shit? Howevah, Pirate fans > Indian fans in a one game playoff home game.

I wanted entertainment on Twitter last night and got nothing. Damman popped up for a second but the rest were silent.

Western teams have an advantage with 7 teams per division rather than 8. Not that the Blackhawks need help getting in. They are ELITE.

Jeff said...

In other awesome news. I saw GWAR at The Newport last night. Hoooo boy was that an experience.

I'm sure Prime appreciates that.

Anonymous said...

Why were you at a GWAR concert?

Only 2 CBJ reactions today. This is why people hate the Indians. Dut needs to go to every home game and keep GSaul the fuck at home.

Its 12:12. Onky 5 more hours left to push a trade through in LFL!


Prime99 said...

I appreciate it, and there is a petition to have GWAR do a Super Bowl halftime show- which would be hilarious. Did you get sprayed with blood, Jeff?

Brady said...

As much as losing sucks, I kind of have to agree with G$. I'm not sure how far the Indians would've made it. They are still a couple bats away from being serious world series contenders. I kind of wish we had a three game series against the Rays to find out for sure though. Those one game wildcard games kind of go against what baseball is all about. But, we lost and that's it. The sudden end to a six month long season is always fucking weird.

It's cool though beacuase, HOYERTIME! Not to mention an undefeated Buckeye team. Football, bros!

Jeff said...

No blood shower for me. I was just far enough back to miss it. In one of their skits the Pope was beheaded, which was hilarious. A 30 ft stream of "blood" shot from his neck all over the crowd.

It was great to see all the GWAR diehards in their white tees at the beginning and then leave soaked wearing red tees.

They played one cover song at the end. Teenage Wasteland, LOL!

The Iceman said...

"In other awesome news. I saw GWAR at The Newport last night"

Jeff just got a little bit cooler in my book.

Soooooooo.....I was right about the Indians missing the playoffs then, right? Yeah. I was right.

I was at the home opener for the Wings last night. I hate hockey but my dad gives me free lower bowl tickets he gets from work. I'll go because they have beer and at least it's professional sports. The highlights:

A guy with a face that looked like it was melting off of his skull yelled at the couple that came with us for standing up during the game. The only reason they were standing up is because everyone in front of them was standing. A guy next to them whom I referred to as Marshall Mathers started yelling back at the dude for being a douche. Marshall threatened to "end the life" of melty face guy. A situation I'm sure melty face guy welcomed.

After the game the fans started cheering "Crosby Sucks". I guess Wings fans don't like Crosby. Or they're just tools. Or both.

There was another fight that broke out between two drunk guys after the game. The one guy was wearing a black shirt that said, "Detroit rolls the hardest". It appears they do.

Wheelz looked at the program before the game and saw that a guy on Buffalo was from Edmonton, AB. She said, "This guy is from Alabama! I didn't even know they played hockey in Alabama!" Two seconds later after realizing that AB is most certainly NOT the abbreviation for Alabama, she said "You better not fucking tell anyone about this." I responded with, "No chance that happens."

The Red Wings have 5 Americans on their active roster. And they have about 70 guys from Sweeden. USA! USA!

Anonymous said...

If you are trading for a browns or bills player besides Cameron or Gordon then LOLZ at you. But if you want to make a trade just let me know.

The reds have no chance until they let Dut go. So them being terrible down the stretch ain't my fault.


Anonymous said...

That makes me happy that Wings fans were chanting "Crosby Sucks" after a game against Buffalo. Love the hate.


GMoney said...

They probably meant Mason Crosby because of LIONS PRIDE!

GWAR, eh? I was not expecting to read that one of us saw them. I did see on the marquee on Saturday that they were coming to town and chortled.

Prime99 said...

I may start the Browns D tonight. That shit be cray!

I don't think I have the guts to go to a Gwar show.

Jeff said...

Edmonton, Alabama is TOTES LOL worthy.

Jeff said...

"I don't think I have the guts to go to a Gwar show"

Ehh, it aint that bad. Stay away from the pit and you're fine.

Howevea, my first concert was 1999 Ozzfest at Polaris(RIP). That shit was cray. Not to mention being 13 years old.

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal must be still licking his wounds...or he bought a Browns ticket and is already tailgating due to the miracle of one being available on Ticketmaster....LOLZ.


Anonymous said...

Hahaha its great that Drew thinks he won that conversation by talking about a fucking coupon to a Browns game.

First off, I already had tickets to tonight's game, as I am not one of the front running Cleveland fans you say we are..... Its actually hilarious to say front running cleveland fans. Im pretty sure that's an oxymoron, which once again makes you look like a fucking idiot.

Game 1 of the Indians season was sold out. So that proves you wrong also. (obviously I am only saying that to be a dick because I know our attendance was bad all year).

You act like the Browns stadium is ever half empty. LOLZ at your fucking stupid argument. Please dont talk about things that you have no idea about.

Hey G$ - so since Dut likes the rally towel, you are all the sudden ok with it? How's his dick taste by the way?

Eat my dick, faggots.


GMoney said...

If you EVER imply that I like Dut again then I will rape you so hard.

I'm a little OK with bad fans doing corny things to reinforce how bad of a fan they are, but don't half-ass a tradition that your arch rivals do. It would be like if Urb started making his players wear WE ON shirts.

It makes no sense and is dumb as shit. Say what you want about Tigers fans (they are the worst) but at least they only need their toothless mouths and dirty hands to make noise/show that they are paying attention.

Anonymous said...

"It would be like if Urb started making his players wear WE ON shirts."

Have you drank so much of Drew's load that you are starting to think like him? You cant really believe that sentence.

Those two things have absolutely zero relevancy to each other. Do multiple other sports teams in multiple sports currently wear WE ON Shirts?


Brady said...

How anyone could ever think that a CLEVELAND fan could be a front-runner or a bandwaggon fan is fucking retarded. Funniest arguement ever.

I love how the Tigers fans are getting all high and mighty when they aren't even going to make it out of the divisional series. We'll see you guys on the golf course in just one short week. No worries!

Sounds like the Bills are pretty beaten up for this game tonight. I predict the messiah, Hoyer, will throw no less than 5 touchdowns tonight! Our defense is going to eat EJ Manuel alive as well.

I'm insanely jealous that Seal gets to go to all of these awesome sporting events. I secretly want to kill you everytime you post a picture on Facebook.

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal asks G$ how Dut's cock tastes...and then a couple sentences later tells everyone here to put their mouth's on his cock. Is the gay stuff bad or good...make up up your mind.


GMoney said...

You're better than this, Seal. Just admit that you hated watching your brethren act like Steelers fans and GIVE IT A REST.

Just because other idiots do it doesn't make it right. You know this, BRAH.

We all know that Cleveland is Andrew Bynum Country anyway.

Anonymous said...

I bet Country Seal is better at everything and cooler while being openly gay.


The Iceman said...


I don't know why...but I think this is one of the best things that's happened to this website. It slays me every time.

Drew knows so much about actual number of bodies at Browns home games because he spends so much time watching them on TV.