Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Open Forum: The Most Boring Teams In The Country

What kind of monster is too bored to bang Daphne Zuniga!
There is an old adage in the professional sports world that the worst place that you can be is “the middle”. It’s true because treading water sucks. Either sink or swim. Start winning big or bottom the fuck out and build with new, young superstars. This mind set is also true when it comes to college athletics these days. It’s fine if you aren’t a national title contender all the time, but you better not have New Mexico Bowl as a team goal. You need to either be a constant challenger to the conference crown or force yourself to be the dregs of your league and build it all up again.

This was the big problem with Layla Kiffin’s husband at USC. He wasn’t good enough to win the Pac-12 but he wasn’t bad enough to be run out of town (although this is not a good example because he WAS bad enough). Mack Brown might be a better example. When you aren’t a threat and you aren’t the worst, then the only other place to be is “irrelevant”. USC and Texas football are both irrelevant and they have been for some time. You could make a pretty good case that, at least on the field, Northern Illinois is more relevant than the Trojans and Horns. And thus changes need to be made because that should never happen.

So today I thought that I would throw together a little list of who I think are currently the 5 Most Irrelevant Football Programs in the country. There really are no rules for why I rank them other than they don’t interest me at all and I will never watch one of their games.

5. TCU – Once they made it to a BCS conference and shed the little guy label, they can so get fucked. I still don’t know what league they’re in after jumping to and from 10 of them a few years ago. Plus, Gary Patterson looks like a shithead.

4. Florida – Back when Spurrier was there and then The Sex Cannon and then Timmy Tenor, you couldn’t find a more ELITE watch than Florida Gators football. Now, they are boring as shit and are lucky to score an offensive touchdown twice in a month.

3. Tennessee – When was the last time that you felt compelled to watch the Volunteers? I hate them because the orange on their helmets don’t match the orange on their uniforms. I HATE that.

2. Michigan State – This program has been boring for my entire life. They woke me up for a year when William Gholston kept trying to behead quarterbacks, but then I went back to sleep.

1. Virginia Tech – They have produced the same teams every year forever and they are never interesting. There was no other option for #1 on this list. The only time that the Hokies caught my eye was when that Chinaman killed a bunch of students for unknown reasons. THAT is how boring this school is. Not even Marcus Vick’s life can save it.

Alright, so this is today’s topic…IRRELEVANCY! I stick by my list. There is no way that any of you actively seek to watch any of those teams play. I’m sure that Iowa will get some votes. Let’s see how long it takes for this to turn into an Ohio/WE ON tickle fight!


Mr. Ace said...

Nebraska has to somewhere in there.

It seems like Oregon State is a middle team too. Always seem to be on the cusp of breaking into the upper level, but never actually happens.

Also, by your definition, pretty much all MAC teams are irrelevant. No more #MACtion for you.

I rented a video game for the first time in at least 15 years. And Grand Theft Auto 5 was TOTES ELITE and worth it. I may never return it.

Jeff said...


Dude got soooo rattled.

Way to get your team looking very disinterested Dut Baker. Hell of a streak to close out the season.

GMoney said...

Dut Baker is very much irrelevant. Worst big game manager ever.

Ape, I didn't define shit other than saying I would never watch any of these teams. I love watching MAC Football. Plus, I stuck with BCS conferences. ALL THE MACTION FOR ME!

Virginia nearly made the list. When was the last time that you actually thought about that school?

Brady said...

Michigan State is a good one. I would even put Notre Dame on this list. Fuck them so hard for having their own national network carry every game.

West Virginia deserves a shout out as well. They always knock off some good team (OSU this season) only to lose 3-4 at the end of the year.

I hate Pittsburgh anything with every fiber of my being but that shit was hilarious last night. When they started the CUETO chant, you could see it had a legit effect on him. Playoff baseball is fucking TITS. I can't wait to see what the Jake looks like tonight.

MuDawgfan said...

Nebraska, Washington, Miami

Need to be ranked 1A, 1B, 1C

MuDawgfan said...

Tweet of the night came from a comedian:

"Man, all the Pittsburgh fans are really passionate about Quiznos"

GMoney said...

Love or hate Notre Dame, they pretty much define relevancy.

West By God Virginia gave us Rich Rod thus RELEVANT.

Shit, I'm going to have to combine my MLB playoff predictions (since we all know that you aren't in the postseason until you play a series) with my CBJ Preview tomorrow. Could get intense.

GMoney said...

Warrrrrrrshington is terrific now and The U is pretty damn good as well.

Anonymous said...

Day of the Indians wildcard game, and the day before the Division Series start, and this is the topic? God you suck.


The Iceman said...

" I can't wait to see what the Jake looks like tonight"

What's the Jake? Jake Taylor?

TCU wouldn't make my list. I'll watch them only because I'm convinced that Casey Pachall will do something heroically stupid on the field. Like shoot up heroin at the 50 yard line.

Iowa is TOTES on my list. Even when they ran the spread the only time I can remember them having a black quarterback they were boring as shit. I can't even remember that black guys name...QuayShawn Jackson? Sounds right.

For once I agree with Cakes...watching Notre Dame is like the most boring full time job ever.

South Carolina is probably number one for me. They are BARELY watchable now only because they have a potential first overall draft pick on their team. But until Clowney showed up? Jesus...BOOOOOOOOOOORING.

Brady said...

Yes Iceman, the Jake. I'm going to call it that during any and all playoff games. FLO can go scissor her signifigant other for the playoffs. That add campaign needs to die a fiery death.

South Carolina is a good one. Seeing the ol' ball coach do his best manningface all game is the only thing that's entertaining about the Gamecocks.

Can I throw in the entire ACC? I can? Great.

GMoney said...

BRAD BANKS BRAH!!! That Iowa team also had Robert Gallery who bathed in hobo sweat.

Day of the Indians wildcard game, and the day before the Division Series start, and this is the topic? God you suck.

I had to sit in three hours worth of pointless meetings yesterday which cut down on bloggin' time. Also, no one cares about your opinion. We can read about the Indians on your blog that doesn't exist so quit yer bitchin'.

Just admit that you want John Adams to pound your entrance-only anus like he pounds that snare drum.

Anonymous said...

" I can't wait to see what the Jake looks like tonight"

60% full is my guess.

Big East football. I had to google to make sure it was still a thing. It is.

Also, including baseball with CBJ is doing yourself a huge disservice. Better yet, don't talk about baseball, and talk about how we are going to go HAM on the East this year. CARRY IT.


The Iceman said...


Jesus Christ...even the most exciting player from that team has a boring fucking name. ELITE alliteration though. I just Googled Brad Banks and he literally looks like a baboon.
/lobs a meatball to Ide

Don't disrespect THE PROG, Cakes. So fuckin gay...

GMoney said...

The Big East does not exist. It is THE AMERICAN! And if you don't like watching Louisville, then I can't help you and you must be related to Mark Dantonio.

Brad Banks is awfully Somalian-lookin'.

Don't worry, it's going to be loaded with tips on proper flag carryin' but just a few sentences to satisfy the morons.

Brad Banks said...

Are the Mississippi Sambos looking for a starting quarterback? I know a's me.

Anonymous said...

Funny you mention that nobody goes out of their way to watch Tennessee. I'm going to Neyland stadium to watch Georgia get stomped this weekend. I will try to set the record in jars of Tennessee moonshine consumed.

Michigan didn't make the cut? When is the last time they've won anything?

"I can't wait to see what the jake looks like tonight"

What a faggy thing to say. I have a feeling the answer is disappointed.


Jeff said...

Oh Dut, you son of a bitch. Don't get Iceman started. He'll tell us about all those records Denard set, again. RECORDS, that's what they've won!!!!!

GMoney said...

I don't have a problem turning Michigan on and watching them play down to their competition thus, to me, they are relevant.

When VT played Bama, I didn't even look at that game and it was on on at least two TVs at the Stube.

Michigan also has non-vacated Sugar Bowl titles. DAMMIT!

Brady said...

Yeah, I'm sure it will be really disappointing. The 45,000 who sold the game out in an hour will probably just stay home.

This day is taking forever. How am I supposed to walk around for 9 more hours with this raging wildcard boner?

Ide said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Iceman said...

"I will try to set the record in jars of Tennessee moonshine consumed."

I'm pulling for the moonshine to consume your pulse.

Anonymous said...

Look at Brady bragging about selling out a playoff game. The disappointment that I was referring to is getting pounded by the superior Rays.


Grumpy said...


GMoney said...

Grumpy has a hard-on for Bill Simmons? I'm confused. Or is he talking about 'shine?

I won't watch one pitch of the not-a-playoff game tonight unless I see that the Indians are down to their last three outs.

Anyone else have DVR issues last night with SoA? My DVR had it as a one hour episode when it was 90 minutes. GAY. I saw the last few minutes but still very GAY.

Brady said...

Longoria is better than anyone on our team. After that, I fail to see the "superiority" you are referring to.

Can't wait to see the Tigers get bounced by the A's no matter what happens it Cleveland tonight.

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to see both fail.

RIP Toric and Otto.


The Iceman said...

" After that, I fail to see the "superiority" you are referring to."

Coming from a guy who thinks Bryan Hoyer is the future of the Cleveland Browns.

The Iceman said...

I put a "Y" in Bryan because it makes him look gayer.

GMoney said...

If you aren't constantly rooting for Brady to be sad then I don't really know why you are living. I mean, what's the point? There is right and there is wrong. Which side do you want to be on?

Brady said...

Apparently Iceman is a faux Browns fan and only wants misery for his professional sports teams. I never said he was the answer but I'm not going to think he isn't until I see otherwise. Just think of what you could do with those two first rounders if you didn't have to draft ANOTHER unknown college commodity.

I don't see why you would want me to be sad. I'm so humble and rational when my teams are doing well. I give HOT SPORTS TAKES like nobody's business.

The Iceman said...

" I never said he was the answer but I'm not going to think he isn't until I see otherwise"

What this translates to: "I never said he was the answer...but I'm going to act like he is while this flukey play continues...then in 2 weeks when he starts sucking I'll go back to openly trashing this team for making the idiotic call to start Hoyer...then I'll slide back in a state of numbness and apathy...the place where Iceman never left because he's smarter than me...because I'm delusional and love jacking off in a pool of Cleveland Browns misery."

Here's a FACT. If the Steelers were starting Hoyer every week you would be LOLing all over the place.

"I don't see why you would want me to be sad"

Because you are the worst. Easiest question I've ever answered.

Prime99 said...

Cakes drops steaming hot takes every day.

I find normal Alabama games to be very boring. However, give them an exciting opponent and they magically become interesting.

Blackhawks are 1-0 in their title defense. Fun game last night!

GMoney said...

Save your puck talk for tomorrow, Prime Time.