Thursday, October 24, 2013

LOL Cakes Wants Cakes

FUCK RYAN RABURN!!!
In case you didn’t know, I pretty much define “creature of habit”. I almost always have my day planned out accordingly. Not a big fan of surprises and shit that is out of my control. Basically, I try to get most of my work done every morning so that my afternoons are left free to fuck around on the internet. It is during these afternoons that I usually write the following day’s post. Yesterday, I had a dumbass morning meeting about new accounting procedures that took forever and thus upset my flow. I was not amused. So instead of ripping off another classic post at my own pace, I was actually working and had to rush today’s submission. Not cool. So today you’re getting the worst of the worst…

A post inspired by a Cakes Comment.

I was actually going to probably choose this topic in a few weeks anyway (as they talked about on the local station Tuesday and it was a somewhat decent radio segment considering the source material) but now seems like a good time to play with hypotheticals and uncertainties. But still, I need to face the FACT that I am relying on our worst commenter for post ideas. Sad day. So what did he say?

Out of all the undefeated teams, I would actually prefer Bama in a title game scenario. They are TOTES beatable this year.


Now other than the stupidity of implying that any team is invincible, it’s not a bad statement to turn into a question on a great website. AND it gives us a chance to laugh at Ohio fans for their idiocy and retarded bravado. Nothing wrong with that.

Alright, so Alabama, Florida State, Oregon, and Ohio are probably the only true contenders to play in the final BCS Title Game in world history. LOL Missour-ah! Baylor probably has too many hurdles to jump over at world record speed (like RG3) and would likely need all four at the top to lose at least once (although I think that they would embarrass the Ohio “defense” but that is beside the point). We all know that Ohio needs a lot of help to get into that top two due to a laughable schedule and unimpressive wins over average teams. But it isn’t impossible. Far from it, actually. Nick Saban isn’t known for running the table. FSU and Oregon are more than capable of dropping a game that they shouldn’t. Ohio will likely run the gamut though so let’s assume that they are going to play for it all. Who do you want to play? Who do you hope they play? Who do you want no part of? How about a pro/con of playing each of the three teams in that group.

ALABAMA
Pro – It is the biggest chance to put yourself back on the map and get the SEC monkey off your back. Let’s be honest, this is really all that you care about anyway.
Con – If you lose, that monkey will only double in size (like thrice as big as Terrence Mount Cody). Plus, you don’t really want to have to admit that Nicky SabeCakes is better than Urb (he is…UT > BG).

FLORIDA STATE
Pro – They will probably choke as them making it to the title game means that they are due to have a rotten performance
Con – They have the talent to blow you out of the water. Beating them will do nothing to improve your reputation.

OREGON
Pro – You have the hosses to push them around like you did years ago in the Rose Bowl. Nothing has changed. They can still be bullied.
Con – You aren’t doing anything that the SEC hasn’t done better. Plus, the “Chip” on Oregon’s shoulder is just as big as yours as far as getting over the hump/beating the SEC.

So I guess that if I were in your hypothetical shoes, I would probably rather see Oregon in my bowl game because I think that they would be the easiest team to beat (albeit not easy). Winning is what matters. It’s why Eli is better than Peyton and always will be. I would want nothing to do with Florida State because it is a lose/lose situation. And while some of you may think that you want a shot at Bama…you do NOT want a shot at Bama. You know better. Yes, even YOU know better than that. Thoughts? Oh, almost forgot…FUCK YOU, CAKES!

25 comments:

The Iceman said...

Cakes wants to see Bama. HA! That is fucking rich. If Iowa and Norfwestern can hang with Ohio, just imagine what the crime scene would look like after facing ROLL DAMN TIDE!

Alabama may be beatable this year...but Ohio certainly would never have a chance to be the one who does it. He wants Bama...Jesus Christ. Of all the dumb things to say.

Anonymous said...

Oregon. Their offense is scary, but their defense is not ELITE. so it wiukd be a shoot out scenario and maybe, JUST MAYBE, Shazier and Roby feel like playing. To be fair those guys really lit it up when it mattered the most last year, so maybe they are just being CEREBRAL.

Ide

GMoney said...

Cakes does not possess SEC speed (or NAIA speed for that matter), but he does seem to possess an awful lot of SEC intelligence. And I don't mean Vanderbilt.

MUDawgfan said...

I think you probably want FSU, Oregon and Bama in that order.

FSU is absurdly talented, but your chances for a "QB Fuckup" an increased exponentially with Winston playing than if you're facing AJ or Mariotta. You need that screw up because unless you force turnovers - you aren't winning the game.

Anonymous said...

First of all, you can't make fun of Cakes for a dumb comment and then make the comment that beating FSU in the NCG would be a "lose/lose" situation. Pretty sure winning that game....in which OSU would be underdogs going into....would be a pretty big fucking deal. It would be the stamp on two years of undefeated football for Urban Meyer's Ohio State Buckeyes.....and like I said...it would be beating a team the general public would think is better than OSU. So, don't make stupid comments like that...in the words of Cakes...not good look bro.

As for the question at hand....in order of best chances of winning...

1.) Florida State -- They look pretty fucking impressive. But, I think they do give us the best chance of a few stops. Any NCG would have to be won in a shoot-out...most stops is key.

2.) Oregon -- I'm not sure how we'd stop them too much, but we've beaten them before....and they seem to struggle in big bowl games. I do think we'd score a ton on them...this is very close with FSU. I just think they are slightly better on offense, which isn't what we need.

3.) Bama -- Just cuz' they are Bama. It's hard to imagine anyone beating them in the NCG until someone actually does it. Hopefully, they trip up in the Iron Bowl.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Pump yo brakes, Drooler. Don't you step up to The King. My point of it being a lose-lose is that most of your fellow mouth-breathers care more about what Mark May says than actual on-field performance (and you know this is true). Beating FSU for a title isn't going to shut him up and it won't silence the doubters because none of those 25 straight or whatever came against the ESS-EEE-SEE.

You would be a dog, but Ohio SHOULD beat Florida State. That wouldn't be an upset to me (which is all that matters). Urban Meyer is supposed to beat Jimbo "Neg Burns" Fisher, right?

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ me caring what Mark May says.

I guess you could meet with Vegas before this hypothetical matchup and explain to them why Ohio State should be favored over FSU.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

G$ only cheers for games according to the MARK MAY FACTOR. It would certainly not be a lose lose. At all. We have zero respect from anyone outside of Ohio, due to our schedule, so us winning against anyone probably in the top ten would prove most people wrong.

Ide

Jeff said...

Sorry I'm late brahs, I was busy cleaning all this mysterious goop off my fingers. I didn't want to get it all over my keyboard.

#AnybodyButBama. That's who. National Titles are national titles, doesn't matter who you beat.

GMoney said...

Way to think that I called you out when I clearly stated that most of your mouth-breathing brethren give a shit about Mark May's because they're dumb. Good job not being in that camp.

As I stated, winning is what matters. It doesn't matter how you got there. Thus, for most of your scarlet & red clad morons, it would matter who you beat because they are so worried about their perception that DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL.

Ide thinks that I "cheer for games". The fuck does that even mean? You spent two years at UNC so you are only half a Fuckeye fan. Not a real fan at all.

Should Ohio play the Noles, the line would be maybe FSU -3. At the most. Hardly a "shock the world" line. And I would bet Ohio big time even though the ACC is better than the Big Ten.

GMoney said...

By the way, I wouldn't be opposed to all of this title game talk jinxing the shit out of this not ELITE team.

Anonymous said...

I paid good money to hop on the UNC/OSU bandwagon. I even bought one of those 5 dollar Universi-Tees Tarheel Blue OSU shirts. Id find it both offensive and hilarious if you grew up cheering for the Red Hawks.

Bottom line is that if we win the NCG we will get all the respect we need. We would have won it with damn near zero respect so, you know, fuck the haterz, or something. You can kiss OSUs dick after kissing our crystal ball.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Great topic G$. This is one that I have been pondering myself over the past few days. First of all, winning every game is extremely difficult. There has been something like 8-10 top 15 teams lose to unranked opponents in the past 2 weeks. It would be an incredible accomplishment to get to 25 in a row & obviously I think there is a pretty good chance of that happening, but I refuse to consider buying NCG tickets until after we win the B10 title game & finish 1/2 in the final BCS standings....on to who I would prefer we play of the other big 3...

1. Oregon- I think it is pretty clear that this team has the most defensive deficiencies of the big 3. I would also give a big advantage to UFM over a first year head coach. This game would be extremely entertaing with the loser likely scoring 40+

2.FSU-While they looked like an NFL team on Saturday, I think that they are very beatable & I expect them to lose sometime before January 6th. Jameis Winston is still a freshmen & I think he would make several mistakes in a game of that magnitude. Also big coaching advantage to UFM over jimbo.

3.Alabama- these guys, while beatable, are easily the worst matchup for us. Nick Saban just might be Satan, but is an incredible big time coach.

Anywho...I expect us to play Bama & shock the world, while ending the almighty sec's streak

Go Bucks!!

Buke

Nate said...

Hands down, Oregon is the choice opponent for Ohio State.

There is a lot of discussion about how much of a shootout a matchup with OSU would be, but nobody really references what happened the last time we matched up with Oregon in the Rose Bowl.

There was a lot of similar discussion heading into that game as to how much of an offensive shootout it would be with Masoli and Pryor tearing apart the other team's defenses. In reality, the score ended up 26-17.

Up-tempo spread offenses cannot stay in a no-huddle if the other team can apply consistent pressure to the quarterback. Forced throws, hurries, and sacks all come with a defensive line with talent.

While young, OSU has enough horses on the defensive line to pressure Oregon into developing an alternative game plan that does not involve fast tempo. It happened in 2009, and it will happen again if they match up this go around.

Oregon would come out quick and may even score quickly on the first drive, but would eventually have to slow down the calls at the line to adjust. Fast tempo offenses only succeed when both the defensive line and the secondary are out of place. Only the latter has been the consistent problem for OSU this year.

An Alabama team that does not rely on tempo to score is much more of a dangerous opponent for OSU. For a team with a weak secondary but adequate defensive line, it's much more difficult to defend a balanced offense that executes well, than an offense that is predicated on tempo.

Anonymous said...

Nate-Good point about the Rose Bowl from 2010, however let's not forget that Ohio State ran a much different offense at that point & had a coach who was quite a bit more conservative than UFM. Our defense was much better that year too

Buke

GMoney said...

Glad to see that Nate is now known as Football Simulator 5000.

I even bought one of those 5 dollar Universi-Tees Tarheel Blue OSU shirts.

You probably bought it at Big Lots because you are a Big Lots Buckeye.

GMoney said...

Stop saying UFM. People that do that probably also think that TBDBITL is cool. They are not. Good tribute to a kid fucker this past weekend. Should have saved that show for Penn State. Turds.

Nate said...

My simulation 5000 also predicted LeGarrette Blount would punch somebody in Week 2, and not Week 1 of that year. We're not all perfect.

GMoney said...

Go figure that I would write a Cakes-inspired post and he doesn't show up. Probably appreciating the serenity of a calm lake or something. If you recall, he did the same damn thing on his BIRFDAY this year. FUCK 'EM!

Anonymous said...

His middle name is Frank, I believe.. I didn't think abbreviations were frowned upon on this site. Go back to Russia

Buke

GMoney said...

I thought that you were one of those homos that called him Urban Fuckin' Meyer. First mistake by me ever.

It is Urban Frank Meyer The Third! UFM3 is the proper moniker.

Anonymous said...

You've known me for going on 3 decades...do I really strike you as the type of guy that would call him Urban Fuckin Meyer?

Anonymous said...

Get a room, ginger queers.

Brady said...

Out of all the days to not show up... SMDH (as the black folk say on Twitter)

GMoney said...

Let that be a lesson...always show up and always expose your junk.