Wednesday, October 23, 2013

G$ Ranks The Nation's Quarterbacks

Beano Cook just got a huge dead boner.
There is no doubt that one of the most annoying things about NFL coverage is when people rank quarterbacks (especially when throwing around that ELITE label). Does it even matter at all? What purpose does it serve if someone has Matt Schaub ranked ahead of Sam Bradford? That shit is just a waste of time…and I always fall for it anyway because I never use my time wisely. But rarely do I see anything online ranking college quarterbacks. I’m sure that they exist but I haven’t read them and thus it’s new to me. Here are my top ten college football quarterbacks for the 2013 season.

A few things about these rankings before we begin…there is zero consistent criteria here. That can’t be forgotten. There is no “eye test” or deep ball accuracy metric or arm STREMPH or leadership skills. Nothing. I don’t judge this based on who I want in a big game or if I would take a true freshman over a junior. I guess I would say that if anything is weighted over everything else, it would be “do I want to watch you play” and “do you win a lot” and please never forget about “personal bias”. So while VT’s Logan Thomas wins a lot, he ain’t even close to showing up past this sentence because I never want to watch him play. Got it?

Honorable Mention: Bryce Petty, Baylor; Stephen Morris, Miami; Zack Mettenberger, LSU/Sexual Battery
Thoughts – I love watching Baylor play but that has more to do with the entire team being insanely fast and skilled than the QB play. Morris is a stud but there are already two ACC QBs below and we can’t have three (by law). Mettenberger is a shithead of the utmost degree as a person but he’s gotten a lot better at flinging the rock. Plus, he hands the ball off to an even worse human being and thus looks better.

10. Jordan Lynch, Northern Illinois – In my personal opinion (Demetrius Stanley), Lynch is the toughest QB I’ve ever seen not named Mike Bath. And because it needs to never be forgotten, he led a MAC school to the fucking Orange Bowl (outcome irrelevant) while giving two middle fingers to Kirk Herbstreit. ELITE trolling.

9. Tajh Boyd, Clemson – I don’t know, I go through hot and cold spells with this stocky fella. He just sort of comes off like a loser to me.

8. Brett Hundley, UCLA – I’m pretty close to saying that he is the best pro prospect coming out this year in a good QB class, but I can’t ignore that no-show at Stanford on Saturday. He’s really good though and you should try to watch him play some time, Ohio fan that doesn’t watch any game that doesn’t feature the scarlet and red (Hi, LeBron!). After all, there’s probably a pretty decent chance that he could be in Cleveland next season.

7. Aaron Murray, Georgia – I’m not the biggest fan but he is the all-time passing leader in SEC history so that counts for something. That conference did produce El Sex Cannon after all. It’s a shame that everyone around him died this year.

6. Braxton Miller, Ohio State – We all know that I think he’s a pussy (and I’m right) but the dude makes good decisions and rarely forces plays. At least he’s fun to watch. Remember Craig Krenzel? Those teams won a lot but were BRUTAL to spend 3.5 hours on.

5. Marcus Mariota, Oregon – He’s tougher than Miller and just a little bit better. I heard someone on the radio say that Mariota could be the #1 pick this coming year? The fuck? No fucking way and if it does then that team is going to blow forever.

4. AJ McCarron, Alabama – I don’t think that Li’l Grossman is all that great but he never makes mistakes, never loses, and crushes sweet ass. Plus, his mom is hot. Let’s just say that if I needed to win a game or Jim Harbaugh would kill me, I’m taking McCarron over everyone above.

3. Teddy Bridgewater, Louisville – He’s good, OBVZ, but how good? Because he beat an poorly coached and uninspiring Florida team last year, we’re supposed to believe that he is Cam or RG3? I don’t think so. The talent is there but I’m a little cautious to laud him as the clear cut best QB prospect in the land.

2. Jameis Winston, Florida State – We got a taste on that opening weekend at Pitt and that taste became a full-fledged hog roast this past weekend. If Winston is on your TV, you aren’t changing the channel. He is must see no matter the opponent. If I’m an NFL GM, I’d much rather have Clowney or that Barr kid (STUD) from UCLA this year and then Winston than I would Teddy.

1. Johnny Manziel, Texas A&M – Let me correct myself—you aren’t changing the channel off of Winston unless Johnny Football is playing. You either love him or you hate his guts but we all want to see what he does next. He’s a white LeBron in that aspect. Fun FACT: his money fingers gesture is a shout out to me. Most people don’t know that. I love Johnny Football.

Well, that should give everyone something to argue about today. You may be wondering where I ranked DG98. He’s ranked 98th. No, j/k, no one cares about Devin Gardner. I do feel like I might have missed someone. I’ll be damned if I do any research though. UPDATE!  Now I remember, I forgot about Derek Carr or whatever his first name is at Fresno State.  I'm a real pro's pro.


Anonymous said...

If Mariotta goes first then that means the Iggles pick first. Im ok with that.

Gambling guru Ape said that DG98 will be first team all B1G. Never forget.

Where is Smooth Jazz?!


Mr. Ace said...

Did I say he would be first team or did I say he would be the best QB in the B1G? I honestly can't remember. Either way I am right.

If the main factor is who you want to watch then DG98 has to be on the list. #BlackFavre is always entertaining, good or bad.

Mariotta is much more than your typical spread option guy. I don't believe he goes first, but I think he is a top 5 lock... to the Iggles.

Nobody wants to watch A-aron Murray. And if McCarron didn't play for Bama he would be unwatchable...obvs he gets bonus points for pussy slaying, brah.

Maty Mauck is#1

Jeff said...

Blake Bortles of UCF is a very good lesser known talent. Probably won't lose another regular season game and will be repping the American conference in a BCS bowl.

Anonymous said...

Is Jeff our new American Conference beat reporter?

Sadly, I have only seen one Oregon game this year due to OSU/drinking. So my Mariotta exposure is little.

I liked what I saw with Hundley since I was scouting out the next QB to end his career in Cleveland.

Maty Mauk is the MVP and your insolence on this subject is noted.


Nate said...

God Bless Chuckie Keaton. If not for that injury, he'd impress G$ enough to make his list.

The quarterback that probably does the most with the least is Christian Hackenberg.

Brady said...

I'm with Ide on the lack of Oregon exposure. I rarely get to see them play because it feels like they are on at the same time as OSU/not televised. He looks good from the highlights but I have no real feel for him.

Good point on Hackenberg. Looking forward to seeing what he can do in front of 106,000 on Saturday night. Freshman QB's have success against us for whatever reason so I'm a bit leery of this game since OSU is everyone's superbowl in the Big Ten.

Winston looks like the truf! I can't believe how cocky Florida State's whole team was Saturday night (deservedly so). It feels like good ole Bowden days again!

Thanks for the Braxton shout out! He finally looked like his knee was all the way back on Saturday. About fucking time.

Mr. Ace said...

Mariota is 6'4" 220 and can still blow by guys, not to be confused with Ide who blows bi guys. He hasn't thrown a INT yet and has 19 TD's. He is in a good system and has talent around him, but his decision making and prototype size, along with athleticism, makes him the real deal to me.

Hack has been very impressive as well.

Fuck Hundley. After last week he gets no love. You can't just no show in your programs biggest game in over a decade.

Anonymous said...

not to be confused with Ide who blows bi guys.

line of the month. Congrats Ace.


GMoney said...

not to be confused with Ide who blows bi guys--I heart you, Ace.

DG98 will never be more entertaining than the great John Football: American Hero.

You don't watch Oregon because they play at a time when you're already spooning your dogs/Lamar. Mariota (one t, bros) can play...but I'm not sure if he can roll with the pros.

Florida State having swag again feels right.

Anonymous said...

Also, after today I am out of the office for the week and getting married on Saturday. Prob wont be posting much until next week. Maybe I'll be a more mature commenter when I come back married next week, and be nice to Drew... Ha!

Tony Delk, Antoine Walker, Derek Anderson, Jamal Mashburn and Ron Mercer are my groomsmen.

Drew is the worst.


Jeff said...

What about Scott Padgett????

Anonymous said...

Too white.


Nate said...

I'm also glad that Miami wasn't punished more than it already punished itself.

It'd be nice to see the FSU / Miami FL rivalry renewed. Not only that, but having the game come back to Labor Day prime time would be terrific.

Robot code is "idebars".

GMoney said...

idebars are made from the darkest of chocolate.

Good luck, Seal! We all know that Patrick Sparks is your best man. Or Billy Clyde Gillespie!

Anonymous said...

A week without Slow Seal?!?!? What glorious news.

I've watched a decent amount of Oregon and Mariotta is the best Oregon QB since they've been good. TOTES better than Joey Harrington...LOLZ. As Ape said....he's big and still extremely fast. That Oregon team is awesome...not sure why Chip would bail on them.

Good and fair thoughts on Braxton. He's where he should be. It was fun to see him running around like he used to last week...such a bigger weapon.

Hundley seems like the guy that will do real good in workouts and scouts will be enamored with.....and then the Browns will have traded Trent Richardson for Hundley. (which at this point seems like even that would be a win)


Nate said...

"That Oregon team is awesome...not sure why Chip would bail on them."

The impending show cause probably had something to do with it.

But that was for what, five games? Helfrich could have done a fine job filling in for him. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

Mr. Ace said...

Chip got an 18 month show-cause penalty. Now, that might have played out differently if he hadn't already accepted an NFL position, but the threat was obvs there.

Anonymous said...

Hmm....didn't remember it was 18 months. Yeah, that's a valid reason to go.


Anonymous said...

Jason Campbell Sunday! Super Bowl!


GMoney said...

Jason Campbell has a lot of experience ruining Andy Reid's family.

I think that the greatest game ever played would be A&M vs. FSU. I would have a very stremphy bone throughout.

Anonymous said...

Cheering for a black leader is never fun but I will give it a go on Sunday.

Venus Van Damme might be the best character of all time.


The Iceman said...

Pat Riley will be giving Seal away to his new bride.

Gardner is must watch football so you can see if he'll break his turnover record from the week before. Or to see if he can throw another pick 6 to a 300 pound man.

Anonymous said...

Maybe a dumb question but what happens if you get a show cause penalty and your still the coach? If Kelly was still at Oregon, would they have to prove why he still needed to be the coach?


GMoney said...

I believe that a show cause is for people who already left/were shitcanned. Obviously, the NCAA has no power to fire anyone, but they can keep them out if they are no longer in. At least that is my guess. This feels like something that Nate would know.

Anonymous said...

Damman...that's basically what you would have to do and it would be impossible. You'd basically have to be fired, due to not being able to do your job.


Mr. Ace said...

I am pretty sure that if a current coach gets a show-cause he is basically suspended. Show-cause usually comes with failure to monitor or something along those lines. Now, if you try to hire a coach with a current show-cause against them, then you have to prove that you couldn't find any other coach and thus had to settle for the coach with the show-cause, but that school can then have violations brought against it and will get destroyed if the coach commits any other violations while there. At least that is my understanding. Upstanding institutions like M and Toledo don't have to worry about those things.

Nate said...

What Ace said.

It's easy to avoid show-causes when the coaches you hire have zero competitiveness / desire to win.

Brady Hoke's apathy for coaching his team is hilarious. Words cannot express how much easier coaching middle school football would be if I could wear a headset and had coaches up top to talk to. Why Hoke thinks this is not necessary for a Division I head coach at such a storied program is mind numbing.

Prime99 said...

Seal's wedding should be Adolf Rupp themed. Congrats dude!

I think the Bears will draft heavy on the defensive side this year, but there are a lot of solid QBs coming out in the next two years... Maybe time to draft the heir apparent to the Cat. I'll settle for someone with a healthy groin at this point.

What's up with Johnny Football's hurt shoulder? He won't be exciting if he can't throw.

GMoney said...

That will only make him more exciting.

Between the shaved points, banging Ottawa Hills housewives, and the Track coach banging his runners, I don't think that Toledo is a good example of a clean program.

But yeah, active coaches get suspended while inactive coaches get the show cause.

Mr. Ace said...

Yeah, I was joking. I am very proud of Toledo's shadiness. It wouldn't be Toledo without it. Nate, as a Fuckeye alum I thought you would care more about the integrity as opposed to winning at all costs, but like a true Fuckeye you proved me wrong.

I finally got my Bovada check deposited today. I tried every single avenue possible between the two banks I have accounts at until I finally had to go in, I even have a buddy who works for Chase that I tried to hit up and get it deposited...but no dice. It took about 10 minutes of standing their talking to the teller and the entire time I felt like I was smuggling something and feds were on the way. Fucking Canadian banks.

Mr. Ace said...

I feel like this has been discussed before, but bask in the glory that is Browns' quarterbacking

I haven't even looked what the O/U is set at for Browns/Chiefs but the Under has to be the play if its anywhere over 30.

Nate said...


Let's not bullshit each other. Every highly successful coach in division 1 football places winning above integrity to some degree. The most successful are the ones who know not to swing the pendulum too far one way or the other.

I believe Hoke is as clean as they come, but you and I know that Dave Brandon doesn't give two shits about that if UM floats around .500 annually.

Nick Saban us a great coach and an even better cheater.

GMoney said...

Dave Brandon only asks Hoke to avoid the Noid.