Tuesday, October 29, 2013

College Football Week 9


Halloween is rad as shit and if you don't agree then FUCK YOU!  I dress up every year because I consistently come up with the best outfits.  FACT as you can see from the picture above.  Our annual Halloween celebraish went slightly better than last year...because I didn't get kicked out of any bars.  Dublin can suck my balls with all their domesticated "rules" and shit.  The blue meth you see in this picture is actually alcoholic meth.  We had chicken from Los Pollos Hermanos, beaker shot glasses and even pizza from Venezia's.  It was quite the production.  So now that you all know that I'm the fucking best at Halloween, let's talk football and how Ohio is a bunch of school yard bullies.

Glad Michigan was off Saturday so I could actually enjoy the day and not have to worry what new second rate shithouse team would take us to the limit.  I wonder if Devin Gardner's turnover problem was magically solved during the off week.  Probably, right?  Right.

So Ohio kicked the shit out of Penn State.  As much as Cakes wants me to punch holes in this one, I refuse to give him what he wants.  There isn't much you can dispute with an ass caving like that.  And I have no problem with it.  Ohio was on and if Penn State really gave a shit about their image and how ugly that was about to be then they would have found a way to stop at least half of those drives.  I've found myself defending blowouts more and more ever since I read that ridiculous fucking story about the mom of a high school kid getting pissed about her kid's team getting their tits blown off by something like 90 points.  She called it bullying.  That isn't bullying, you cunt.  That's called sucking dick in football.  Bullying would be if I found you and told you that I hope you get raped by the wrestling team.  Which is something I TOTES hope.

Alabama looked very beatable again Saturday cruising by Tennessee after being up 21-0 after the first quarter and 35-0 at half.  Fuckin Cakes, man.  Let's never let him live that statement down.  Time warp back to reality and it doesn't look like this team is losing this year.  They still have Lester and the Toilet Town Boys but that game is at home.  Not a gimme but the home crowd gives them the edge.  They also have #11 Auburn on the road with two preschools sandwiched in between.  Then ROLL DAMN TIDE will most likely face Missour-uh in the SEC championship game assuming Bama makes it there.  It's starting to seem a bit more real, isn't it Cakes?  Alabama is going to play for the title again.  This TOTES beatable Alabama team.  Imbecile.

In other "Dumb Shit Cakes Says" news:  Northwestern is still searching for that first elusive Big 10 victory.  SUCH A GRITTY ZERO CONFERENCE WIN SQUAD!  I should probably learn the names of the Northwestern players first before I comment on this game.  Right, Anon?  That Blaine Colter is quite the weapon and he's been sorely missed.  Did I get that name correct?  Close enough.  So I guess Colter really didn't make that much of a difference missing last week's game, did he?  They lose either way.  And don't give me this hurt bullshit.  Colter didn't play or look like he was hurt on Saturday.

Saul's Dukies with a big upset over the Virginia Tech Fighting Frank Beamer Fake Necks!  I bet Saul celebrated by doing Rumplemintz shots out of Dick Vitale's belly button.  I'm pretty sure it's Saul that has the Duke boner anyway...

Wipe that sweat off your sack, Miami.  Can you still feel the sting in your nuts from Saturday from that pesky Wake Forest team?  Here's a question.  Why does Al Golden always wear that bright orange tie? Is that his version of Bill Belichick's sleeveless summer hoodie?  And why does Golden always look like a sweaty meatball on the sidelines?  That dude probably perspires balancing his check book or ripping a greasy dump.  Just a fuckin gross looking dude.  Anyway...Miami is the most OVERRATED undefeated team in college football.  They're the NFL equivalent Kansas City Chiefs.  But more exciting.  But then again reading the fucking index page of an encyclopedia is more thrilling than Chiefs football.

Missour-uh Souf Carolina was the cat's ass.  Mizzou's kicker...F. Kicker...needs to be put on suicide watch for essentially ruining the Tigers' season.  Somewhere Blaine Gabbert was crying into his blow dryer and perm set.  Buck up chaps because not all is lost.  They were never a realistic candidate for the Nat Champ game but they can still make the SEC championship game and get hog tied to the rape stand (second rape reference today!) courtesy of a SUPER beatable ROLL DAMN CAKES squad!  Something to look forward to.

That's my time.  But before I go...BREAKING NEWS:  JRupe is in the midst of a divorce despite #predictionsdrewmade that Ruper and his bride would last forever.  I'm pretty sure Ide took full advantage of Rupe's vulnerable state to get back in his good graces and added to the Facebook friends list.  I think Damman said it best.  Suidicey Rupe is the best Rupe and be on the lookout for multiple check ins to the Henry County Hospital.  Facebook just got a little bit better today.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!


GMoney said...

The last I saw was that Rupe listed his relationship as "it's complicated". This is sad to hear that it is officially ending. Tonya's lady-dick just got moist though.

Can teams please stop letting Ohio walk into the endzone on the last play of the first half? THE FUCK?

I left the bar in the third quarter because that game was poop, but did we get a Taste of the Todd segment? Where did he go? I hope it was the 2110 when Drooler and I's love began.

Fuck Nicky SabeCakes. As a guy who leaves all games early, I don't like to be scolded over that.

NIU > Miami > Fresno State...FS NEVER covers the spread.

I don't know when the NIU/Ball State game is but that will be an incredible watch.

GMoney said...

Looks like the Comments are anti-Halloween, BRAH. Maybe you should just dress up like a normal person?

Jeff said...

Sorry, but the guy who put on black face and a hoodie with a bloody gunshot wound paired with someone wearing a neighborhood watch tshirt won all costume contests.

Missed yesterday, because fuckin work. LOL Steelers. Read the comments and Grump wants to watch gay porn? Dut must've sent you the Gloryhole hidden cameras.

Clemson looked decent outside of the redzone, actually they sucked.

FreeShoesU is going to curb stomp the U. Vegas aint fooled. That line opened at 21.

Bama aint losing, and if they do, with 1 loss and a SEC Champ, they going to the ship.

Osu looked impressive, albeit against a depleted PSU team that beat Meesh, LOLZ.

NIU is ranked number 3, yes 3, in jeff sagarins rankings?!?!?!

Mr. Ace said...

I forgot all about Big Daddy Rupe. He and I need to be FB friends.


I don't think Da U is going to get blown out. Al Golden is better than that.

Maty Mauck let down the whole state of Ohio.

On Twitter, Drew corrected a Yahoo writer for using a picture from last years PSU/Fuckeye game in this years Game Recap...LOLZ! Can't believe he forgot to put #FUCKEYE at the end.


Mr. Ace said...


GMoney said...

Still working on the Ball Don't Lie preview. Getting some choice quotes from Asst Coach Sheed. Expect it tomorrow or more likely Thursday. It's longer than Greg Oden's penis.

Drew is the Twitter Police on things that don't matter at all? Sounds about right.

Sagarin sucks because of his first name.

Wow...-21! Shit, too, Ryan. I'm not touching that one.

The Iceman said...

You anti-Halloween weenies are all dick sucking boner lovers. Best time of the year. No wonder you all hate it. Because you're all terrible.

"Sorry, but the guy who put on black face and a hoodie with a bloody gunshot wound paired with someone wearing a neighborhood watch tshirt won all costume contests"

Was the guy in blackface Ide? It was Ide.

Drew really knows his Ohio pictures. LULZ. That behavior doesn't surprise me coming from a guy that will search comments of a post that happened 3 years ago to find a little blurb someone may or may not have said.

The NBA preview is pretty ELITE. Mostly because Cakes will hate it. I Reviewed it yesterday because I have access to the guts of this website.

GMoney said...

CHEATER! HOW DARE YOU! Can I ever trust you again!!!

It will pop everyone's cherry on Thursday. I've got something cooking for tomorrow already that effects us all (lupus). Deal with it.

Prime99 said...

Iceman sent me the screen grab of Rupe's status update of it's complicated. Just below it Rupe wrote, "soon to be divorced." I got a hearty chuckle out of that. Big Daddy is too much man for one woman!

Prime99 said...

I love Halloween- though dress up is more difficult now. My past costumes: Ronald McDonald, Ali G, Ricky Bobby, and goddamn Tenderheart Care Bear.

Anonymous said...

The first paragraph or two of Wetzel's article was describing O'Brien's post-game handshake with URBZ....and then they used a picture of them shaking hands from last year's game. I'm sure he'd like to make sure his stupid Yahoo! interns used a picture that was accurate for what he kicked off his article with. It looked stupid otherwise.

Buckeyes did look sweet on Saturday. How did Michigan lose to those shit heads? I liked how mad PSU fans got that URBZ had the audacity to challenge a 4th down spot up 49 points and get it over-turned. How dare URBZ correct an official's mistake! That's something Grumpy would get mad about.

Bama looked sweet on Saturday.

Enjoyed Mizzou losing...the Mauk family is a poor man's O'Doyle family.

Really, really excited for MSU/UM this Saturday.


The Iceman said...

I can TOTES see Prime dressing his family like the black dude in that Verizon commercial. Or whatever annoying fucking cell phone commercial that is where the whole family is dressed up like Star Wars characters. Although the dog as Vader was pretty ELITE.

Oh shit...speaking of Darth Vader. At this work conference I was at in Texas last week, someone mentioned Vader during the conference and one girl in my group said, "Who's that?". Ummmmm, excuse me bitch? I bet she's totally worthless in everything.

Since I get paid in insults for the top shelf work I submit every Tuesday, I find other ways to get my perks associated with writing for this second rate blog, G$. Early access to future posts is one of them.

"Really, really excited for MSU/UM this Saturday."

Not sure why. That game is going to put people to sleep. Devin Gardner will have at least 3 turnovers and MSU's offense is hog shit. It'll probably end up 13-6 or something like that.

The Iceman said...

"Rupe's marriage will last forever."


Anonymous said...

I don't even know who Rupe is.

MSU/UM should be very entertaining from an intensity stand-point and the meltdown from Michigan fans if they lose will be pretty epic.


Brady said...

In OBVZ Halloween costume news, the "Breaking Bad" meth get up was the most overused and popular costume this All Hallows Eve season. I read this somewhere and LOL'd at Ice for thinking his costume was TRANSCEDENT. You're just a sheep, bro.

Looking forward to Bama losing at some point this season because, you know, BEATABLE.

Carlos Hyde is the best running back in the country.

Braxton is a top 3 QB in the country.

OSU hasn't lost in nearly two years.


The only consolation to being left out of the title game this year is the possibility of beating Michigan twice in seven days. Really pulling for this scenario to work out. Those will be legendary times on social media.

Mr. Ace said...

I am interested to see how the M/MSU will play out. I think if you are betting on that game then M is the play at +4.5. MSU offense plays into our strengths. If Borges comes out with the same gameplan he had against Indiana(NOT MANBALL) then I like our chances. But he has yet to put together a respectable gameplan against a decent opponent for an entire game, especially on the road.

I believe I still might have those same privileges, Ice. G$ has a great pension plan.

Mr. Ace said...

Cakes makes such a fantastic opening to his comment...and then he just tards it all up. FUCKYOUCAKES!

GMoney said...

We ranked QBs last week. Braxton was 5 or 6. He isn't sniffing the top 3. Deal with that.

No one cares about your RB rankings because you don't watch any game outside of the Big Ten so you have no idea what you're talking about.

Drooler likes to spend his time being a nerd about pictures. What a fag.

Brady said...

Braxton hasn't been healthy until last week. He has been unconscious the last two games. The offense has punted like two times in eight quarters. That's got to be worth something, right?

Name three qb's you would take over him right now. YOU CAN'T.

I watch plenty of other football games outside the BIG. I din't get that Mountain West Football package for nothing.

El Guapo is the best back in the country. I'd love to hear the arguments against that. Dude is a man amongst boys out there.

The Iceman said...

"Name three qb's you would take over him right now. YOU CAN'T"


That was easy. YOU DUMB!

Cakes rips my Halloween outfit yet dressed up this year the same way he does every year. As an Ohio faggot.

Who's El Guapo? Is that another cutsie nickname you queers have bestowed upon an Ohio player?


What a guy, that Meriweather!!

Brady said...

LOL at taking Bridgewater over Braxton.

You will know who El Guapo is in a few weeks.

Meriweather is fucking hilarious. That's my favorite story from the past few weeks.

Prime99 said...

Unfortunately, I will never have enough kids to reenact that Verizon commercial. The dad as Jabba the Hutt with his infant daughter as slave Leia is very LOL worthy and inappropriate.

Prime99 said...

Dexter Mannelly may be even funnier. The Redskins are on fire! See also: Cooley, Chris RE: Albert Haynesworth

GMoney said...

El Guapo is former hefty Red Sox reliever Rich Garces. He weighed in at least 600 pounds.

Mariota. Bridgewater. Winston. FOOTBALL. McCarron because he has led the BEATABLE Tide to an undefeated season and has two natty titles. Again, he's #6. Nothing wrong with that but those five above aren't vaginas either.

I hate Brandon Merriweather. BUT he makes a good point...at least he hasn't punched a broad yet. Dexter and Coooooooooool are also the bee's knees.

Way to overrate the Iowa and Penn State defenses though. You're on fire today. Check that, you're just a flaming homo.

Mr. Ace said...

Brady....nevermind, it appears Ice and G$ have served you. You are why people hate Fuckeyes. Braxton looked great the last two games and nobody denies it, and then you have to go saying he is a top 3 qb. #Fuckeye.

Brady said...

Blah, Blah, strength of schedule something, something, Big Ten sucks, fart noise


I'm taking Braxton over Bridgewater and chest tattoo all day long. Winston is intriguing and Mariota looks legit but Miller can play with any of those guys when healthy. Guess what? He is now healthy. STAYING healthy is of some concern but dude can ball with all of those guys.

GMoney said...

Keep digging that grave, chach. Notice how you have to give conditions. We don't. We just offer up better QBs.

All of those IDIOT NFL GMs must be really stupid if they can't see that Broxton Milner is better than Teddy B, right?

Your QB rankings < Fagnasty's TE rankings from 2005 which don't exist and that is all you need to know.

The Iceman said...

Behold the Fuckeye of all Fuckeyes! Sir BradyCakes! Thanks for taking the heat off me any time I say anything questionable around here, Cakes. It's a real blessing to have you here. You're the Mariano Rivera of the MoneyShot comments section. Untouchable when it comes to idiotic statements.

Tonya said...

I just want to let everyone know, ironically, I was graced with Big Daddy's presence today. He seemed surprisingly non-suicidal.... which is strange.

GMoney said...

WHOA! How about posting a BREAKING NEWS on that one!

I like how Rupe just randomly shows up for his rub & tugs from T.

When Cakes shows up to comment, they should play Enter SandInVaginaMan.

Brady said...

Did I say anything about being the best NFL-ready QB? No, no I did not. Though NFL GM's and draftniks are NEVER WRONG! Major LULZ on that point. I'm talking about college football. It is Tuesday correct?

Braxton Miller: Weird face, great quarterback

I'm gald that nobody is challenging my Carlos Hyde opinions. Smart.

GMoney said...

Jeffrey Ruple is a better RB than Hyde. Challenge accepted and won by me.

There is a really good chance if that the pro scouts love you, you're the best in your field in college, too.


The Iceman said...

The last Ohio running back Cakes LOVED was Chris Wells. Who can't even make it through an NFL tryout without tearing something. Excuse me...that's wrong. It was Jaamal Berry. Who is rotten at everything.

The last Ohio quarterback Cakes LOVED was Troy Smiff. No longer in the NFL.

Forgive me if I question the way you evaluate talent, Cakes.

Anonymous said...

I question Iceman not understanding that Beanie and Troy were amazing college players. Very odd opinion there....Cakes is saying Hyde could be the best RB in college NOW. Not what he'll be in the NFL in four years.


GMoney said...

Cakes is saying Hyde could be the best RB in college NOW.

No, no, he is saying that he IS the best RB and he has no way of confirming that. Not one person believes that he has grinded tape on all the RBs in the country.

Dude's good but, using his stupid metrics, a HEALTHY Gurley is way better. Same with an unmedicated Ruple.

Brady said...

I'm just saying Hyde passes the eye test. His numbers are ridiculous every game and he looks better than the other backs I've seen. Wait. I forgot. I don't watch any other football except Big Ten football. I haven't seen anyone.

The Jamaal Berry fiasco was pretty bad. I'll admit to my faults on that one. Chris Wells and Troy Smith were fucking amazing in college though. Why do you keep dragging the NFL into this? It's COLLEGE FOOTBALL TUESDAY.

Anonymous said...

G$...fair enuf. I haven't grinded all the tapes out either, so I'm not ready to declare Hyde the best RB in the nation. But, Iceman's comparison of how Smiff and Beanie flamed out in the NFL is completely irrelevant to what Cakes is saying.


Prime99 said...

You know who else passed the eye test in college? TRENT RICHARDSON.

The Iceman said...

Awesome. These guys are good college players. I'm sure that's why they all started playing football. I'm sure that was the end game from the start.

To consider someone the BEST at position, their skillz need to TRANSCEND the college game. Wells and Smiff clearly didn't do that.

GMoney said...

Sometimes, Iceman goes on bizarre tangents that really don't make a lot of sense. That is why he only gets one day of writin'.

But still, whatever side Cakes is on is wrong. #windians