Tuesday, October 22, 2013

College Football Week 8


"DEEEEEEEEEEZ NUTS, CLEMSON!!"




Finally a week where I could watch college football uninterrupted by anything!  It was just as slothy and rewarding as I imagined it would be only getting up off the couch to shove food in my mouth and take nasty hangover shits.  Real quick before I start...which is the more ridiculous scary movie character?  The Leprechaun or Chucky?  The only reason I ask is because AMC is doing this Fear Fest thing...which is fucking ELITE by the way...and both of those movies have been on in the past couple of days.  And both are really dumb.  If you get killed by a leprechaun or a fucking ginger doll then you deserve it.  How people were ever scared by these movies is beyond me.  Once of these days I'll do a best and worst of scary movie post.  Let's light this candle.

Aaaaaaaand the turnovers just keep on coming for Michigan.  This is getting re-goddamn-diculous.  Speaking of ridiculous...Jeremy Gallon, Holy Shit!!  Did he have a billion yards Saturday?  Let's just call it a billion.  I noticed this week that when Gallon lines up before the snap he gives finger guns.  My kinda guy. Here's another thing about Devin Gardner...GET RID OF THE FUCKING FOOTBALL!!  If he takes one more 10 yard sack because he's trying to "make something happen" I'm gonna fucking lose it on Black Brett Favre.  And I'm not buying back in to Gardner with that offensive outburst from Saturday.  He's still merely average to slightly above average.  Unlike Cakes, I can admit when a guy blows up because of playing against a terrible team.  One last thing...Defense!  Ever fucking heard of it?!  Fuck!

Whew!  Iowa gave you turds a bit of a scare, eh?  Cakes says watch out for this Iowa team!  They're no joke!!  TURNING HEADS NATIONWIDE!!!  LULZ!!!!!  So here's the part where all the Ohio fans piss and bitch about how horse shit it was for Roby to get the boot for targeting.  I didn't see it but I'm sure he probably launched himself with intent and the ejection was warranted since all Ohio players are dirty and criminals.  But if you look at it this way, the refs probably did you a favor since Roby is awful and you all hate him.  Remember how he got his ass torn up by WhiteGuy Abbrederis.  ROBY FIVE STAR AFFLETE!!  Right, guys?

Let's all sit back and marvel at how tough that Northwestern team is.  Right, Cakes?  WHAT A DIFFICULT OUT THEY ARE!  SUCH A FOR REAL TEAM!!  Oh...and still winless in the Big 10.  Anyone that tried vouching for Northwestern needs to suck Mike Greenberg's pencil dick on film.  Michigan blew out Minnesota...and they aren't that good.  I love it when Northwestern does things like make Cakes look like a fuckin goon.

Louisville.  Oopsies!  Whatever...they had no shot at the title game anyway.  I think they had 3 high schools on their schedule this year.  But if you're Louisville, how do you allow yourself to lose that game?  All week everyone was talking about how UCF could trip up Louisville.  Then you come out and let them do just that.  Yeah, UCF is supposed to be good (National Title contenders according to Cakes on years they show up on Ohio's schedule) and stuff but Louisville has more talent.  That was just a supreme fuck up on their part.

I told you guys UCLA wasn't anything special, didn't I?  Sure did.  Okay...Stanford is a good team but Stanford just got done losing to a pretty average Utah team.  Pac-12 SUX.  Outside of Oregon, of course.  They certainly aren't "hands down" the second best conference this year.

Yeeeeesh!  Georgia, that's a bad loss to the Vanderbilt Jay Catlers.  The Bulldogs are showing the nation exactly what happens when you lose pretty much all of your players.  The good ones anyway.  It's ugly right now and I almost feel bad for them.  But fuck the SEC, so no.  I bet the toilet water drinking clan in the Bayou wishes they could have that game back against the Georgia Torn ACLs.  Sorry, Dawg...YOU DONE!
Editor's note:  Apparently WigMaster wanted some props for picking this upset in his preseason review.  You don't get props for an upset when several injuries are the cause of it.  DEAL WITH IT!!

Okay...never mind about LSU.  I guess the common theme this week is piss your season away if you happen to be in the top 10.  Lester is gonna need a tall glass of porcelain juice to nurse away the pain of this one.  Manning U is pretty rotten this year so that makes this loss even more hilarious.

LOL Johnny TwatWad.  Nice loss to Auburn, fart hole.  And Manziel hurt his little pussy during the game to make things even better.  This feels almost as good as an Ohio loss to anyone.  Almost.

Souf Carolina seems to have gently placed their season directly into the crapper.  They do this every year, don't they?  Win their first 4 or so games, get ranked in the top ten and then piss it away.  I'm not sure if I've ever said this before but Spurrier is TOTES the 60 year old guy getting gassed on bourbon in college bars who gets a little too grabby with the wait staff around 1AM.  Still trying to figure out why I hate Spurrier so much...

Blowout alert.  So I think we can safely say that Jameis Winston will be atop of everyone's Heisman list after this game?  The dumbest award in all of sports.  The Clemson fighting Jeffs must have forgot that when you play ranked teams at home you actually have to show up and play or this shit happens.  If you need Clemson they'll be scouring the campus trying to recover the tiny shards of their anus that Florida State just exploded.  Good Lord...

Not a bad week of college football.  Quite a few upsets going down but not the ones that will allow Ohio to back door their way into an undeserved chance to get their butts hollowed out by a far superior team in the title game.  KEEP OHIO OUT!  I'll be a little delayed on commenting today as I've left for Texas to find out just how many Mexican men G$ raped while he was there.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!!

42 comments:

Nate said...

"Let's all sit back and marvel at how tough that Northwestern team is. Right, Cakes? WHAT A DIFFICULT OUT THEY ARE! SUCH A FOR REAL TEAM!! Oh...and still winless in the Big 10. Anyone that tried vouching for Northwestern needs to suck Mike Greenberg's pencil dick on film."

"The Bulldogs are showing the nation exactly what happens when you lose pretty much all of your players."

Somebody needs to take off their SEC COLORED GLASSES and realize that both Venric Mark and Kain Colter have been hurt for Northwestern the past few weeks.

Explain to me how Georgia gets such a pass for injuries and Northwestern does not?

Anonymous said...

Because he is stupid and has no idea who those players are.

Nate said...

"Pac-12 SUX. Outside of Oregon, of course. They certainly aren't "hands down" the second best conference this year."

The PAC-12 has one of their better teams lose to another of their better teams and they suck.

The SEC has 5 of their better teams (Florida, Georgia, LSU, Texas A&M, South Carolina) ALL lose to inferior opponents and there's no mention of it.

PAC 12 > SEC

Grumpy said...

I think Nate has you there, Iceman. You only have to be competent one day a week and you can't even manage that.

And yes, Roby launched and went to the head. Like the rule or not, that hit could be the instructional video of what not to do. Shame on the Ohio faithful who booed the ejection. Mouth breathing idiots. Fuck Cakes.

The Iceman said...

"Because he is stupid"

Yet you show up every Tuesday.

Georgia gets a pass because they're down to like their 4th string WR and their most of their injuries were season ending. Mark has been playing banged up all year and northwestern was winning games. Plus it's not like Minnesota has the best secondary in the world so Siemian shouldn't have struggled the way he did.

GMoney said...

Georgia gets no pass. They were almost a double digit favorite to Vandy anyway because even Vegas knows that UGA players should kill Vandy students always. GREAT CALL, WIGGY! YOU NAILED THAT, BRAH!

Blaming Johnny Football because his defense is TERRIBLE? Seems right from a man of your mental defects.

I still haven't seen the Roby hit but he sucks so getting him booted for treating an Iowa TE like a Bloomington bar patron is no big deal.

The Pac-12 is loaded. Deal with it. Or do you know of another conference that boasts ample Rich Rod's? Because I don't and he is the best.

FACT: Souf Carolina QB Connor Shaw gets hurt every game.

Another FACT: Jimbo Fisher and Dabo Swinney rock "neg-burns". Hilarious look.

Good to see Grump back with his early morning surliness toward Ice.

Anonymous said...

Georgia was a 7 point favorite. I know, I lost money on them.

That Buckeye game was fucking atrocious. I also lost money on that game too. Coming off of a bye week and playing at home should mean that Iowa doesn't hang dong on our secondary. I have no idea how Roby and Shazier regressed so much as they have this year.

That launching play was questionable at best.

Ide

GMoney said...

One thing is certain: gambling on football this year has been a real head scratcher and extremely painful. If you made money this season, it's OK that you are filled with lies.

MUDawgfan said...

Sorry, Dawg...YOU DONE!

Ain't it the truth!
RB1 and RB2 are gone (although Gurley is supposed to return for UF next week).
WR1, 2, and 3 are done for the year.

FS1 is done, SS1 should be back by Auburn. Naturally inserting two true freshmen doesn't help much.


All that's left is rivalry games against shitbag Florida, Auburn and Tech. Fighting for the Outback bowl is not a good look brah.

Anonymous said...

LOLZ @ Grumpy's "instructional video" line. Like Ide said...it was questionable at best. Roby was never airborne (quite the "launch") and led with a shoulder to shoulder hit. VIOLENT AND DIRTY AS FUCK. LOLZ.

G$ it was kind of a big deal...say what you want about Roby...but, Armani Reeves is awful as a replacement.

A lot of bad takes by Iceman today.

Da U punishment comes out in an hour or two...don't really give two shits what happens to them....shouldn't take years to fucking come up with a decision.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Oh fuck you Grump, you bias fuck. Your old ass cant see what happened even if you do have HD at home. That was not a launch and the hit was shoulder to shoulder. Nothing on Roby's body touched that assholes head/helmet.

Seal

GMoney said...

You guys are all wrong to question Captain Elm Tree. He has been watching Steelers football for years so he is an expert at what is and isn't a cheap shot. Count it.

I agree that Iceman's taeks were especially weak and uninformed today. Maybe he needs to go to more weddings.

Unrelated but still needs to be said: Josh Freeman is ten times worse than Weeden.

Jeff said...

Sorry I'm late to the party, I was removing a long Seminole spear that was buried deep in my asshole. Ouch. I guess we can't play UGA every week. Gotta play a tough ACC opponent everyonce in awhile.

Anonymous said...

Freeman throws 1 INT in his first game under a new offense. Weeden is fucking terrible.

Word has it The U is going to lose 9 scholarships. What a fucking joke.

Ide

Anonymous said...

I don't have any problem with Da U punishment. The NCAA fucked up that thing from the beginning and looked like complete assholes when they got caught paying Shapiro's lawyer. Miami has been in NCAA purgatory for two years now and self-imposed more bowl bans than any school ever has done. Thing has been a clusterfuck from the beginning...the additional scholarships is a fine end.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Yeah, Da U did more to themselves than the NCAA could have hoped for. You know, considering that they botched this slam dunk from the start. They had a wide open path to the basket for a huge dunk but decided to shoot a half courter instead. It missed.

Josh Freeman has lost something like 40 straight games. Weeden beat the Bills. I rest my case, BRAH!

I would not be mad at all if Florida State and Oregon met in a bowl game this year (even if it isn't the BCS title game). That would be the most fun game ever.

Clemson sucks more than their alums.

Nate said...

"Georgia gets a pass because they're down to like their 4th string WR and their most of their injuries were season ending. Mark has been playing banged up all year and northwestern was winning games. Plus it's not like Minnesota has the best secondary in the world so Siemian shouldn't have struggled the way he did."

Eh, Northwestern is one of those offenses that live and die by a handful of players, much like Michigan.

As much as we rag on Devin Gardner for his turnovers, without him and Gallon, Michigan would be 3-4 right now with losses to Akron, UConn, Penn State, and Indiana.

Northwestern is going through the same thing. With a healthy Mark and Colter, they're top 20. Without, they're dreadful.

The Iceman said...

Just landed in Texas. Already ran into 3 Mexicans G$ sexed up. This is the best column I've ever written. Glad you guys like it.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like there is a big drug deal going down in Mexico/Texas in the next 24 hours, so they called in the biggest anal drug mule known to man in Iceman.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Well played, Drooler.

Another thing: Ole Miss is a good team with young and ELITE talent. LSU losing there on a last second FG isn't a bad loss considering they probably weren't natty title contenders (realistically) anyway.

Iceman sux.

Brady said...

I may have jumped the gun with Northwestern but the fact they were missing their QB is a pretty big fucking deal. I still think Michigan has an excellent chance of losing that game if Colter is back.

The Roby hit was ALL FOOTBALL, bros! He led with his shoulder and never "launched" as some people have said. His front foot never left the ground. If you are going to throw the flag, fine. I'll be pissed off and move on with the game. You can't throw him out though. The dude out-weighed Roby by 70 pounds and he was trying to break up a pass. How else are you suppossed to do it?

Those trying to say the Buckeyes were better off without Roby on the field are insane. Two of Iowa's big TD's were the direct result of having Reeves on the field. Yeah Roby has had a few tough games but the dude is still a returning All-American. Those don't grow on trees. The Buckeye hate makes people say some of the dumbest football comments I've ever heard. CHECK YOSELF MORONS!

I've fully accepted that the Buckeyes have no chance of making the title game if there are two other undefeated teams. It sucks but you just can't argue the schedule. Though, it's not the Buckeyes fault that Cal was a top ten team when that game was scheduled and the rest of this league is shit. Way to CARRY THE FLAG, BIG TEN!

I will have a huge problem if some one-loss team jumps them though. That's bullshit. I don't give a shit about any possible arguements for that scenario. YOU LOST.

Anonymous said...

G$ - Im curious as to what Drew had for dinner yesterday. Can you remove your tongue from his ass and let us all know?

Seal

GMoney said...

Hey, I can't help it if he's being smart by agreeing with me. If you want to snuggle up to my scrote then stop saying dumb things all the time.

When has Cal been a top ten team? Prime, get on that.

The Big Ten carries no flag and I'm furious at you for using that phrase. BEAT NEW JERSEY!

Spielman said on the radio yesterday (a rare intelligent-about-football Fuckeye) that Roby was rightfully ejected because he went for the highlight kill shot instead of the break-up/form tackle. DEAL WITH IT. YOU WRONG. FUCK YOU, CAKES.

Prime99 said...

Cal was a top 10 team when they had A-A-Ron Rodgers at the helm. Soooo 2004?

Ohio doesn't pass the eye test and would get stomped in the NCG by any of the contenders. It would be like Ed Norton American History X shower scene bad.

PAC 12 maybe not be the SEC but they are the second best conference in the nation, BRAH. And that's with the usually strong USC getting Kiffined.

The Iceman said...

Oh Christ. Fucking come off of it Cakes. The history of Cal football is abysmal. They've won 8 or more games only 8 times in the past 25 years. You schedule them when Aaron Rodgers leads them to a flukey top 10 season and you're STUNNED when they revert back to their shitty ways after Rodgers is gone? Eat shit. GIVE IT A REST!

Anonymous said...

Yeesh....G$ can't even laugh at jokes about Iceman's vast anal cavity per Slow Seal.

Spielman is right in that if Roby used proper tackling technique that there wouldn't have been an issue. That being said...he never left his feet and initiated shoulder to shoulder contact...still absurd to get ejected for that.

What Cakes should be saying is that there is a lot of luck that goes into non-conference scheduling. OSU scheduled Texas and USC years and years in advance and got Vince Young/Pete Carroll...just as likely they could have waited a couple years to schedule those ugys and got the shithead crews that encompass both schools now. It's a lot of randomness when you schedule eight years in advance or so.

--Drew

Brady said...

Piss off G$ by using CARRY THE FLAG? Accomplished!

Everyone says that OSU would get "stomped" in the NCG. Has everyone forgot about our ELITE offense? You know, the one that pretty much scores at will.

I'll give you the defensive struggles but nobody has come close to stopping the offense. I'm sure nobody would love a shoot out in the NCG. What do I know?

Ice, we have this scheduling argument every year. OSU has Oklahoma, V Tech, Norf Carolina and Oregon coming up on the schedule. We've played Miami, USC and Texas in the past decade. OSU still is the only team to win THREE 1 vs. 2 games in the same year. Go suck a dick. You can't get lucky with every marquee OOC matchup every season.

I think OSU should just go independent. Get away from the rest of the loser Big Ten which continues to hold our mighty team down.

The Iceman said...

"Cal is usually shitty. But here's to hoping they turn it around in the next 10 years since they have such a great history of doing so!" FUCK YOU CAKES.

Brady said...

Good job, Ice! You didn't address anything from my last comment and just continued sounding retarded. Just add a shit joke in there and it'll be like anything you've ever said!

Can we all agree Carlos Hyde is one of the best backs in the country and is flirting with being a first rounder?

GMoney said...

Maybe if college football teams didn't feel the need to fill their OOC schedules ten years in advance, you could avoid this garbage. What is the purpose of that anyway? How is that helpful at all? Who are you beating to the punch to schedule Tennessee?

It still comes down to your conference though and the Big Ten just ain't cutting it. For as stupid as he is, Cakes makes a decent point about walking away from the Big Ten. It will never happen because of $$$$$ and $$$$$ alone, but it's an interesting though from an uninteresting child.

Ohio averages 45 points per game. Unfortunately, that sub-par defense gives up a ton as well. Luke Fickell is an idiot.

GMoney said...

After T-Rich, I'd be surprised if any RB gets drafted in the first round ever again. The Browns ruined it for everyone. Correction: The Browns ruin everything.

Nate said...

College football is cyclical.

The Big Ten will never be as dominant as they were in the '50's and 60's, but they'll remain competitive with the SEC and PAC-12. PSU's downfall alone will set the conference back, but remember Alabama went through something similar back in the early '00's. The rise of the SEC coincided with one of their flagship schools returning to prominence.

Leaving the conference now would be stupid both athletically, and especially academically.

GMoney said...

And you would just fill your schedule with lower level BCS teams like Cal and Colorado and FCS schools anyway. You wouldn't schedule like those REAL MEN at Notre Dame.

Nate said...

There's a middle ground between scheduling a murderer's row of opponents and scheduling like OSU's slate this year.

Starting in 2014, the model for OSU is meant to include one power BCS opponent, 1/2 mid BCS opponents, and 1/2 MAC opponents. No more FCS for any Big Ten schools starting in 2014, and the non conference schedule has enough meat to draw attention from the panel.

The non conference model, coupled with an expected improvement in Big Ten strength will meet that happy medium.

If we wanted Notre Dame's results each year, we'd schedule like Notre Dame. No thanks.

Prime99 said...

You probably want to play in a NCG and get your shit pushed in by Alabama, so I'm guessing you do want Notre Dame's result from last year.

GMoney said...

Prime's a bit on edge since he is a proven lesser football fan than me.

Anonymous said...

Prime.....not sure if you knew this or not, but it's impossible for Urban Meyer to lose as head coach of The Ohio State University. So, the idea that Bama would push our shit in...when it's not even possible for us to lose....is extremely LOLZ-worthy.

--Drew

Prime99 said...

More #predictionsdrewmade- I'm a big fan of those.

Brady said...

My views on Drew swing wildly depending on the time of year. Now I kind of feel like we are friends again since the baseball season has officially ended.

Out of all the undefeated teams, I would actually prefer Bama in a title game scenario. They are TOTES beatable this year.

GMoney said...

^^^No one asked but you're wrong anyway. You prefer the company of men.

Nate said...

OSU is 14.5 favorite vs. PSU. Seems awfully high.

The Iceman said...

"Out of all the undefeated teams, I would actually prefer Bama in a title game scenario."

That's so Ohio can get one step closer to its goal of getting humiliated by every single SEC school.