Monday, October 14, 2013

College Football Week 7

"I eat because I'm unhappy.....and I'm unhappy because I eat."

I'm taking advantage of the time I have before the wedding this afternoon to get some HOT college analysis in so I don't have scramble to write all of this Sunday night.  I can't have this blog get in the way of The Walking Dead season premier.  The wedding I will be at in T minus two hours and forty five minutes (at the time of this paragraph being constructed) is the one where the bride to be flashed me her gross Jabba the Hut boob a few weeks back, if you remember.  Wheelz is in the wedding so I will do what I can to be blacked out by the time she makes it back to our table at the reception.  A sure fire way to impress your wife, gents.  Take notes Seal and Jeff.  When you know no one at a wedding you drink as fast as you can and pray for 11pm to sneak up as quickly as possible.  Ohio is on a bye this week but I'm sure that won't stop their caveman fans from showing up to shit talk a Michigan team I've already said isn't all that spectacular.

Theeeeeeeeeeeere's the bad loss we've all been waiting for.  Devin Gardner once again was a turnover machine while Brendan Gibbons forgot how to kick a football.  He was probably too busy all week perfecting that marvelous gut he has going on and just forgot to work on kicking balls accurately.  That one stung a little but I'm not gonna sit here and say that Michigan deserved to win that game.  They had multiple chances and pissed them all away.  Good thing there was there was booze close by...and a lot of it.  Fuckeye fans continued to be Fuckeye by celebrating the Michigan loss openly in front of me when it was over.  And when I told them that loss actually hurts Ohio and their chances to play for a national title, all these dipshits said they didn't care.  They were more happy about Michigan losing then getting a much needed, highly ranked opponent at the end of the season to play.  Brain dead clowns.

I love how Cakes continued to talk up The Northwestern Greenbergs after that nail biter against the Ohios in a sad attempt to justify how close it was.  Then Northwestern goes out and gets their tits blown off by a very very very very average Wisconsin team.  Sweet analysis, bro.  #causedbycakes.

That LSU, Florida game looked like the most boring thing on the fucking planet.  The Toilet Water King, Lester Miles really brought the defense in this game.  But that isn't hard to do when Florida's starting QB is possibly worse than Brandon Weeden.  Notice I said possibly.

Gnarly choke job against Utah, Stanford!  I really stopped caring about this football team after Andrew Luck took his Fozzy Bear voice to the NFL but somehow they're always in the top 10.  Stop making me try to care about you, Stanford!  I'm actually kinda shocked that many smart kids are good football players.  But Stanford was going to lose anyway on November 7th to Oregon.  Who is prison raping everything its path right now.  Regardless.  Nice game, turds.

Dammit!  I wanted Ole Manning University to beat Johnny Fuck Face so hard!  But of course that little shit bird found a way to orchestrate some last second gayness to preserve a win against an ass team.  I also heard Manziel was injured during the game.  Good.  Fucking decapitate him the next time.

HOW MANY MCCOY'S AND SHIPLEY'S ARE THERE?!  FUCK!!  Texas fans are pathetic fucking twats.  The Red River Rivalry is supposed to be THEE game for Texas, yes?  So why did it take their fans until halfway through the first quarter to fill up the stands?  I want to give them a pass because all of the lady butt in Texas is wildly impressive...but fuck those guys so hard.  Oklahoma should be ashamed of themselves for letting Case McCoy and his prepubescent baby nuts spank them in this game.  Not to mention that Stoops and company should be looking for nooses after getting waxed by a Greg Robinson defense.  Speaking of...I heard Musberger at least once say, "Thank you Greg Robinson" during this telecast.  Good fucking gravy.  Ol' Berger must have been hitting the gin during pregame.

Is that former U of Toledo head coach Gary Pinkel coaching Missiour-uh?  Sure is.  I did not know that about him.  I also didn't realize he was that good of a coach at UT.  Probably because I don't and continue to not care about the University of Toledo since it is a second rate school for douche lords and drug snorting criminals.  Every week I expect Wheelz to come home with a crack addiction.  Should be any day now.  Anyway...Georgia is in trouble.  It seems losing 78 skill position guys to season ending injuries is about the limit one team can absorb.  Too bad for them.  They were really starting to put it together after that early season loss to Clemson.

Kiffin finally spoke publicly about getting fired and it was just as pathetic and hilarious as you thought it would be.  He said that AD Pat Haden had a "very difficult decision to make". exactly do you figure his decision was difficult?  Ya sucked, BRAH.  28-15 over 4 years is turds.  Especially for a school that's used to winning 10 games a year and has ZERO problems getting top shelf talent.  I don't give a rat's fucking ass if you have sanctions.  Only whiny clams hide behind that shit.  Ohio had them and didn't lose a game last year.  Shit...even with Penn State's back breaking sanctions/loss of pretty much every decent player on their roster, Bill O'Brien still managed to go 8-4 in a conference that is better than the PAC-12.  I would be surprised if Kiffin coached at a major division I program again.

So that's it, dick heads.  But before I go, one more thing.  Speaking of weddings...we have another MoneyShot regular who made the grave error of getting married this last Saturday.  Frequent reader (Tuesday is TOTES his favorite day) and rare commenter Larry just signed his certificate into a life of indentured servitude for the rest of his miserable days.  Larry, I've been told, is an avid reader but sparse commenter because Drew sucks.  Can't say I disagree with you there, Larry.  Lawrence.  Enjoy getting bitched at for things like one or two dishes being left in the sink for one whole day.  Enjoy being forced to endure the most heinous of television programming.  Enjoy your asshole in-laws who never hesitate to let you know how you can improve your marriage despite the fact they've been divorced three times.  And enjoy coming up with excuses to not clean the attic.  Let me know if you need some pointers on the attic front.  I'm a fucking pro at that shit.  FUCK YOU, CAKES!


Mr. Ace said...

What's that Herm Edwards? "You play to win the game!" I can't believe Hoke turned OT into a field goal competition. PUT ON A FUCKING HEADSET! That was an incredibly frustrating game to watch. We completely failed on our last six possessions, almost entirely because our offense went into a shell and we played not to lose. That's something I haven't seen Hoke do yet.

I am pretty sure the best team Hoke has beaten on the road is a 7-6 Illinois team. Fucking terrible. OC and O LINE coach are on the hot seat.

GMoney said...

Did you just say that the Big Ten is better than the Pac-12? Bitch please. Show me your Chipford Kelly!

FACT: all Texas fans have delicious boobs. ALL of them.

I bought a Texas A&M t-shirt down here to showcase my love for John Football at all times. A waiter told me that he hated me for it. No guff.

I'm really sorry for that pro-RedHawks betting advice. I really did buy into Mike Bath, it wasn't just BS. We are worse than UMass. FACT!

Bob Stoops sucks forever.

Drooler was sending me stupid texts while I was eating ribs before noon like a boss about Jawja being OVERRATED. As Ice said, everyone got hurt. I don't like making excuses but I can at least justify things. They're still better than Ohio. How do I know this? They've played someone.

Anonymous said...

The photo of the fan getting maced on deadspin would've been great there.

Ace said DG98 would be first team B1G.

Never forget.


Nate said...

Honestly, Hackenberg may turn out to be the best B10 QB after the year's over.

The PAC12 is arguably better than the SEC from top to bottom.

Anonymous said...

Megatron will eat Joe Haden alive. -from Drew a week ago.

Hahahahaha hardly you stupid fuck. Haden owned a guy 7 inches taller than him. The lions fucking suck. Losing to a Brandon Weeden quarterbacked team at any point in a game is a disgrace. He is the fucking worst.

LOLZ at the Tigers and Jim Leyland.


GMoney said...

How did Bama look, Seal? Sorry to see you survived your bachelor party.

Anonymous said...

"Honestly, Hackenberg may turn out to be the best B10 QB after the year's over. "

Thats why I picked him as my pkayer to watch before the season. That is a TRANSCENDENT pick.

Fucking Weeden.


Anonymous said...

Not shocking that Slow Seal can't follow the rules. Pro Football talk is Tuesday son. But, LOLZ at you for trying to talk shit about a Cleveland of you. I'll handle you tomorrow as I play by the rulez.

Brady Hoke is who we thought he is....he's a fucking incredibly mediocre head football coach. This Michigan program is showing zero signs of progress or improvement in his third fact they could be going backwards. Penn State has 61 scholarship players to Michigan's 85 and they fucking dominated Michigan in the trenches...that's inexcusable.

Right now there is not a single BCS conference head coach that went on to win their conference that didn't win it by their third year at a school.

Brady Hoke is not going to work out...especially with Urban Meyer in teh same conference. He's just not a very good coach...and I love it.

Also, Iceman's point about how OSU fans should be pissed Michigan lost is stupid. Michigan was never going undefeated...because, as you said they aren't good. So, it doesn't fucking matter that they lost to a team that OSU also plays. We still just have to go undefeated and root for other teams to lose.


Anonymous said...

Not surprising it will take your stupid ass another 24 hours to think about how to defend your terrible prediction of megatron owning Haden.


The Iceman said...

Big 10 overall is a better conference. Pac 12 has Oregon and Stanford. The rest is mediocre to bad. And please let's not include the fluky teams having oddball exceptional years like UCLA and Warrrrrrshington.

"The PAC12 is arguably better than the SEC from top to bottom."

God I hope this was a joke.

"We still just have to go undefeated and root for other teams to lose"

Or you could just start playing better teams.

Anonymous said...

How Slow is Slow Seal? G$ explicitly stated that Browns/Lions talk would have to wait until Tuesday. It's disrespectful to him and to Iceman who wrote his college football piece for today. You should show some respect to your blog overlords.

Iceman...that's not a joke. It's the truth. Need to go undefeated and root for teams that are ahead of us to lose...pretty simple right there.


The Iceman said...

""The PAC12 is arguably better than the SEC from top to bottom."

God I hope this was a joke."

The PAC 12 statment above is what I hoped was a joke. We already know your pussy schedule is a joke.

Nate said...

"Big 10 overall is a better conference. Pac 12 has Oregon and Stanford. The rest is mediocre to bad. And please let's not include the fluky teams having oddball exceptional years like UCLA and Warrrrrrshington."

Even if a good year is an "oddball exceptional year", it's still a good year.

THIS YEAR, the PAC 12 is arguably better than the SEC.

THIS YEAR, Washington is a good football team.

THIS YEAR, #9 ranked UCLA is a good football team. They proved that by beating Nebraska, another good football team.

Arizona State is a legitimate Top 25 team, THIS YEAR.

My comment was top to bottom, the PAC12 is arguably better than the SEC. The SEC's top five may have the advantage, but have you seen their bottom 6?

GMoney said...

Show some respect, knob! Now tell iceman how dumb and plump Hoke is and give it a rest.

UCLA is legit and has a first round QB. Good team. Good conference. Rich Rodriguez.

Anonymous said...

I agree. I think an argument could be made that the PAC-12 is better than the SEC this year. The SEC hasn't been all that impressive...even juggernaut Bama seems to have a poor defense. I've been enjoying watching the PAC games that I've tuned into.


Anonymous said...

You should show some respect to all of us and not have us read your stupid fucking opinions here everyday.

Brady said...

The more I think about it, I'm fucking glad Michigan choked 3 times in a row on national television. Facing a faux undefeated team at the end of the year wouldn't really help the Buckeyes all that much. We still need two teams to lose in front of us no matter what Michigan does.

How big of a pussy is the hokester? Nice punt on the 35 yard line!

I'm going to need Iceman to call out Indians fans on facebook for the remainder of this ALCS. LOL!

GMoney said...

Lol dumb. Way to fail at trolling. You would die if this site was no more.

Anonymous said...

G$...I don't think that was a true anon. I think it was Slow Seal and he's so Slow/Mad that a Cleveland team got punked by a Detroit team again that he forgot to include his name.


Jeff said...

Clemson managed to get out its own way, barely. Bring on the crimiNOLES.

GMoney said...

For the record, I don't respect any of you. Especially Cakes.

Ok I'm boarding soon so start the zombie talk, Ice, and I'll see you dick smacks in the morning.

Anonymous said...

12:40 and no zombie talk. This is the worst day ever.


The Iceman said...

Sorry, gents. I had a conference call. I'm not sorry because fuck you guys. Alright...zombie talk.

-Soooooooo, is the GUV gone forever? He just kinda vanished without a trace and no one even talks about him. I figured he would still be in the story line somehow.

-It's love story USA in Camp Ricktatorship! Fuckin felt more like a soap opera than an AMC drama last night. Everyone wants Darryl's balls, though. Not surprising.

-I love how Maggie's blonde sister (I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a real name) is such a cold hearted bitch. "Hey...your boyfriend died." "Oh. Drag. What's for dinner?" LOL! If you're looking for love and affection...look elsewhere. THE ICE QUEEN!!

-Why is Carl so pissed at Carol for teaching a knifing class? And why is Carol so scared for Rick to find out? Don't you want people to know how to fight? Carl's turned into quite the twat. I mean...continues to be quite the twat.

-Maggie wants a baby with Glenn. After being there when Lori died giving birth. Or course she does.

-Zombie Patrick is about to fuck shit up while the camp sleeps. Rumor has it episode two is going to be pretty tits.

-I figured Rick would start boning crazy dirt lady. They could both bond over going nuts from their significant others dying.

-Overall it was a pretty lame episode. But I know they have to do it that way to set up the season. I was glad to see Hersh get his leg back.

Nate said...

I still don't understand why Prison > Woodbury to these people.

Get the hell out of the prison yard and go back to your solar panels in the streets.

Milton wouldn't have let any of this happen.

Anonymous said...

The GUV was very much in the storyline. What do you think Michonne was doing? She still thirsts for VENGEANCE.

Beth just moved up in my book. That guy was a douche anyways.


Swine flu up in here! That blood eyed zombie was terrifying to look at. He must be agent zero.

Deangelo Barksdale is a plant. Im calling it now. He is in kahootz with the GUV. And don't try to shoehorn an alcohol addiction into his storyline. Aint no time for that.


The Iceman said...

I think that's tied into the fact that no one knows where the GUV is, Nate. Once he was outed as a psycho path I think people just wanted to get the hell away from him forever.

So what was Darryl's profession before the virus spread? I think he was probably in contruction. Or a drug dealer. Or a pussy slayer.

The Iceman said...

Michonne was looking for the GUV in between sending Rick eye fucks from across the prison yard. They are TOTES gonna make some ebony/ivory love now that bitch Lori is out of the picture.

This needs to be said again. So glad Andrea is dead.

I think you might be onto something with the black alcoholic guy, Ide. Something is off about him. I mean...what alcoholic black guy goes for the wine?! Gin and whisky or you lose your street cred!

Oh...and Rick's three questions are DUUUUUUUUUUUUUMB. Because no one ever lies!! Or does Rick think he's that skilled of an interrogater he can spot a liar 100% of the time?

Prime99 said...

Of course they just had to make Rick a pussy again, to force him to make the hard choice to take back the leadership role. Fuckin' A.

Alc-y black dude is definitely a spy. Or a moron. Or food for zombie Patrick.

Did Patrick get sick from shaking Daryl's hand after he licked it? Carol's vagina juice is a dangerous weapon.

Are main characters immune to this disease? Conveniently, they probably are.

Anonymous said...

They are really throwing shit to the wind with this disease. Shoutout to Iceman/Ape or whoever for the appearance of hair clippers!


Mr. Ace said...

Remember last week when Ide said NW was "no joke, going to be really tough this year"? LOLZ

Falling Zombies totes saved that episode

The black guy was going for the wine because he couldn't find the OE or EnJ.

The Iceman said...

Yeah...the hair clippers were confusing to me. No electricity bro! That made as much sense as Herschel's unlimited ammo shotgun from season 2. Unless the clippers was their idea of a cute little joke between eventual lovers.

GMoney said...

I recognize Crazy Dirt Lady from something but I can't figure it out and am too lazy to imdb it.

Did you see all that beer? Were they on a beer run? They should have been on a beer run.

Zombie Patrick looks like a kid version of that nerd scientist from GoldenEye.

Swine flu! Makes sense now. I am not a smart person.

GMoney said...

CDL was the chick jockey on Luck.