Tuesday, October 08, 2013

College Football Week 6

Jerry Kill showing fans how many sideline seizures he's lived through

Let the season of wedding bullshit begin for me.  Saturday was the first of three fucking weddings I have in the next four weeks.  Are you people God damn Commies?!  Have some respect for my football watching!  I was so pissed about missing most of the action on Saturday that I went out and had a $100 bar tab after drinking free booze at the reception all night.  Yeah!  Blow a C-note of my own cash on booze and get real gassed!  THAT'LL TEACH EM!!  G$ has zero faith in me.  Don Treadwell getting the ax was actually going to be my lead because I know what the people want.  But since that's already been covered by GLORY HOG!!!  I have to go elsewhere.  Eh...fuck it.  Let's get it out of the way first.

Ohio got quite the scare on Saturday, it seems.  Again...this bears repeating.  I have selfish ass friends who think there's nothing wrong with getting married during football season so I literally was able to watch none of this game which really pissed me off.  They'll know just how unhappy I was when they open our card.  Most of the message is just an outline of my middle finger.  But from what I could gather from my phone (before it died due to constantly refreshing the box score) the game was a pretty damn good one.  It also looks like Braxton Miller really improved his draft stock by throwing a pick and fumbling twice.  I honestly thought Ohio would blow out Northwestern in this one so I was pretty shocked at how close it was all game.  Every year people point to the Buckeyes schedule and pick a game they're going to "lose".  Then Ohio always comes out and destroys that team but ends up losing later in the year to someone who has no business even being in the game.  Like Purdue.  Let's hope that happens again this year.

So after struggling a little early, Michigan was able to skull fuck the Jerry Kill Golden Seizures.  Good thing Kill wasn't on the sidelines for this one.  The second half alone could have been enough to give him the seizure that ended it for good.  I love how Cakes still texts me when Michigan isn't playing well like I've ever defended this team's poor execution or claimed they're something they aren't.  I think I've been pretty clear this team is probably losing 4 games this year.  Stop being a dumb dildo.  I was glad to see Michigan getting back to running the ball.  Keeping Gardner at about 20 pass attempts a game is really smart and enough to keep the defense honest.  It also decreases the odds of Gardner throwing a really fucking stupid pick six.  Michigan had good balance on Saturday and will be much, much better if they continue to do so.  It sucks they lost Ondre Pipkins for the year to a torn ACL.  I guess the only upside is that it's not like ANYONE on the defensive line, including Pipkins, was playing all that great to begin with.  Hopefully someone steps up and shows the rest of these ass bags how to get pressure on the QB.

Jadeveon Clowney is a diva bitch.  He told the coaching staff literally minutes before the game that he wasn't playing because of an injury.  Solid move, bro.  This guy is in the process of ruining his NFL draft stock.  Because you KNOW he's going pro after this year since it seems he's doing his best to fucking incinerate every last bridge in South Carolina.  I'm not surprised, either.  This behavior dates back to when this little slut was announcing his college decision.  He waited until the last possible moment so he could be the only one bathing his selfish balls in the spot light.  He doesn't like to share and apparently only plays when he feels like it.  Remember how lazy and out of shape Clowney looked week 1 against Norf Carolina?  NFL teams remember that shit you little asshole.  I'm starting to really hate this fucker.  One good thing came of Clowney's assey behavior.  This quote from Spurrier:

"We will have to wait through the week to see if he will be able to play," Spurrier said. "Obviously he doesn't have a broken leg or anything that would keep him out two to three weeks."

Two to three weeks to recover from a broken leg?  WUT??  Who do you think you have on your team?  Weapon X?!  Spurrier's injury recovery time table is about as unrealistic as Damman and Cakes expectations for the Indians every April.

Keith Marshall and Justin Scott-Wesley for Georgia both tore ACLs against Tennessee.  Jesus Herbert Christ does this Georgia team have bad luck!  Two torn ACLs on the same day on the SAME TEAM is freakish as fuck.  Just when it seems like the Bulldogs have recovered from previous backbreaking injuries, they lose two more key players for the year.  Now it looks like Todd Gurley could miss this weekend's game against Missouri.  God is pooping all over Georgia right now.

Case McCoy is still playing?!  Shouldn't this dude have graduated like....four seasons ago?  I just saw an article saying that Ol' Doe Eyes, Jr. will starting for the Longhorns this weekend.  Guaranteed loss.  Doesn't it feel like at this point Mack Brown is just fucking with the AD?  Like Mack is daring someone to fire him?  Anyway...if Jordan Rodgers and Jordan Palmer taught us anything, it's that being the younger brother of a great college QB usually means you're going to be bloody pig shit.

How about Florida State hate fucking Maryland over the weekend?  Sweet bastard.  At least have a pulse!  I expect a little more effort out of a ranked team, yeah?  Reeeeeeeeal solid addition to the Big 10, you guys.  It appears that the only thing Maryland will be bringing with them to the conference is those God awful uniforms they wear.  Those threads would make a fucking transvestite blush.  I'm not sure what to make of Jameis Winston other than his first name is really fucking stupid.  He looks like the best QB in the country some weeks and very average others.  I bet Oakland drafts him eventually.  The ghost of Al Davis would never let the organization pass on a huge black man with a big arm.

Alright!  I think I did pretty well for having watched almost no football on Saturday.  Fuckin pricks.  I'll try to do my best again next Tuesday as I have YET ANOTHER wedding this Saturday.  I barely know the chick and I would TOTES skip it if it weren't the sister of the dude that died in Wheelz car accident.  Pretty sure skipping your wife's dead best friend's sister's wedding would be grounds for immediate divorce.  Well...annulment since it's only been 2 months.  The only person here low enough to skip a wedding of that caliber would be Ide.  Maybe Dut.  Okay...definitely Dut.  One more thing.  Fuck you, Cakes.


Nate said...

Hopefully nobody listened to Ace and bet on that PSU game.

I told you that was a stay away game.

Mr. Ace said...

Tru dat Nate B(itch). Now that gives me more confidence for Michigan... which means we will win by 2.

GMoney said...

Lot of stuff to go over on this Tigers Elimination Day...

*I don't understand why stupid Fuckeye fans keep acting like they should be winning every game by 100 points. You're good but you aren't that good. It's as if beating a top 15 team in their place at night is not good enough. There needs to be more PIZZAZZ! Just accept the victory, move on to your next joke opponent, and get over it.

*Carlos Hyde is a truck but he is still a scumbag. Great game even if the wrong team won. Dear Patty Cakes, Colter > Semen...play the better QB you asshole.

*Big ups to Dut for being at the best game of the day, UGA/TEN. I'm sure he has plenty of stories about giving UGA IX an HJ.

*Just quit, Jerry Kill.

*Does anyone know why Notre Dame and Arizona State played in Dallas? That's dumb. Todd Graham and BK probably had an epic Dick-Off though.

*I meant to mention this two weeks ago, but Lee Corso said on GameDay that "Special Teams wins championships". HEY! I know a guy who thinks and says the same thing!

Again, Happy Tigers Elimination Day.

Mr. Ace said...

Also #TeamSmoothJazz

Nate said...

This has probably been the most boring college football season heading into Week 7 I can recall.

Most everybody has won the games they were supposed to.

It also doesn't help that Chuckie Keaton is out for the year.

Anonymous said...

I haven't seen one Buckeye fan mad over the victory. I have seen a lot of H8RZ bashing us over it though. NW is no joke, they are going to be really tough this year.

LOL Tigers. I was on twitter making fun of Drew. The Windians triumvirate have been really quiet on there as of late. Prime live tweeting Dodgers game is a thing, and I wish it wasn't.


Mr. Ace said...

NW is so legit that they are 10 point dogs at Wiscy Saturday...

Anonymous said...

Oh shit, NW shouldn't even suit up then.


GMoney said...

Ide, be thankful that you don't listen to The Fan then. Even the employees are demanding STYLE POINTZ!!!

Nate said...

What's the over/under on that game?

GMoney said...

By the way, I love announcers who acknowledge the spread. God bless Brent and Al Michaels and their gambling ways.

The Iceman said...

I said this on Facebook last night. I want the Tigers to win so Cakes is miserable. But at the same time I want them to lose because I want Drooler and Dut to be miserable too. Why does life throw such difficult choices at me?!

Hopefully Dut was so plowed on 'shine that he had sex with fourteen men. At once.

Maybe it's because I was in Cleveland and most of the sports fans there are hardcore doucher Buckeye fans...but there was an awful lot of bitching going on about how close that game was. NW was the #16 team in the country. They did exactly what they were supposed to do. Give Ohio a scare. And Ohio did what they were supposed to do. Emerge with a win on the road in a close game against a pretty good team. You won. You're not moving down in the rankings because of it. So stop crying about it. I'm talking about the people in Cleveland...not anyone here that I know of since you guys assume a shot against one is a shot against all.

Oh...and this should be repeated. Melt > everything else. The Dude Abides could be the greatest sandwich ever invented.

Anonymous said...

I guarantee the fucking Tigers somehow pull this series off ONLY because Brady pre-maturally blew his load all over facebook about the Tigers being down 2-1. Dammit Brady, dont jinx that shit.

I agree with Nate - this college season has been boring as fuck. Something needs to be changed with the competition in the first 5 weeks. Booooorrrring.

My bachelor party is this weekend and one of the items on our agenda is that we will be watching the game of the week - UK upsetting Alabama in Lexington. HA!


Anonymous said...

"making fun of drew" means one tweet of "lol tigers". You got me good fucker!

*G$...I don't think the Buckeyes should have won by 100, but I wish they had looked sharper. The first half was an abortion outside of Hyde, Bennett and Bosa....that includes Meyer. The fake punt on our own 30 was so dumb fo real and it was a miracle we held them to a field goal.

*Braxton definitely played poorly, but I'm glad they didn't go with Kenny G when they started warming him up. Braxton played very well down the stretch and we got the win. Not his best performance tho.

*Hyde is a complete beast. Game changer. Fucking love watching him play.

*It's incredible to think that Joey Bosa was playing against high schoolers last year. Kid is a monster. He's going to be an All-American as a Junior and then off to the NFL.

*UGA should have lost to Tennessee and Tennessee is terrible.

*Kill does need to call it quits.

*The Michigan/Minnesota game was incredibly boring.

*Michigan State may have found a little bit of offense....if they have in addition to their defense, they will be a tough out for B1G teams not named Ohio State.


GMoney said...

Drew, what has happened to Spence? Seems like Bosa and Bennett are tearing assholes while a black guy named Noah LOL is doing nothing. I demand reparations.

Forgot about that fake punt. That was Dont Treadwell bad.

Speaking of Donny Don't, Dantonio stuck up for him yesterday and said that MU was making a mistake. O RLY FUCKFACE? We're now 3.5 point dogs to UMASS! I want to watch Dantonio die on the sideline with Jerry Kill and Urb. LOL the health of Big Ten coaches. How is it that Hokester is not in the bottom three of worst health in that conference?

Seal nailed it. If or when the Tigers win, it's on Cakes and his constant faggotry. JUST WAIT.

Anonymous said...

G$...Spence has the most sacks on the team and he also has more TFL than any DL on the team. He's doing fine. He definitely wasn't noticeable compared to Bosa and Bennett against NW tho.

I mean...it would not be that crazy if the Tigers win this series. Sister Fister vs. Don Straily today...if Tigers win then they throw out the Cy Young winner in Game 5.


GMoney said...

I was really impressed with Sonny Gray the other night.

Gotcha on Spence. Another gripe: can you losers please stop switching numbers every week? Bryant is hurt. He didn't die.

Anonymous said...

Notes from this weekend:

*i didn't have any moonshine, but did have about 10 "volbombs". It's just jäger and orange vodka. Solid.

*i was called a Yankee multiple times.

*the south WILL rise again!

*football does not exist outside of the south

*i went with two coworkers. One is in his late 50's and the other is 40 and freshly divorced. The 40 year old couldn't keep up with my volbomb destroying. We went to the White Castle of the south, Krystal, where he stole a 24 pack of burgers and then proceeded to face plant as he was walking out. Face is scraped up still and he chipped his tooth. We ate 1 of the 24 burgers and the rest are probably still in the fridge.

*the women wear sundresses to the games. This tradition needs to come north ASAP.

*the stadium got really loud when Tennessee went on a run. All those hillbilly with white trash facial hair can really get loud when they think they have a chance.

*georgia is overrated.

*the crowd singing Rocky top is pretty sweet

Go tigers


Anonymous said...

*the south WILL rise again!

Lord willing.


Jeff said...

"*the women wear sundresses to the games. This tradition needs to come north ASAP."

Agreed. That's how Clemson rolls.

Dut is great softball catcher. And a great catcher of other things as well, I'm sure.

Mr. Ace said...

I haven't seen an over under posted for the NW/WISCY game. My initial thought was to jump all over NW +10.5 but as I looked into it more I didn't like it. NW defense is really bad. Wiscy is coming off a bye. Don't like.

And since Nate B ia our IU insider, is there any chance that Sparty can outscore IU by 10?

I think warming up Smooth Jazz might have sent a message to ol Braxcunt. He took a hard hit late n the 2nd quarter and for the next several drives he refused to keep on the option read. I think him seeing SJ get up might have got him to stop being a puss and get back on track.

Oregon is going to skull fuck UW.

GMoney said...

It's the old baseball manager head game. If your pitcher is nibbling and being a pussy, just get somebody up in the pen and that will get their mind right.

Sundresses sound like a good idea but asking midwestern girls to wear them isn't the best idea. Have you seen Ohio Buckeye fans? Pig City.

Dut has officially joined a vacationing(?) MUDawg as our SEC beat reporter. Well, Seal is on the team now, too, since he is going to ROLL DAMN TIDE this weekend. Our staff is ELITE.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty surprised by that MSU/Hoosier spread. I think the IU offense is legit. MSU plays a pretty violent brand of defense though, so that could possibly unnerve IU.

G$....Can I join the Miami beat writer crew here since I broke the Treadwell firing to you?


Nate said...

No way MSU outscores IU by 10.

MSU definitely wins though in a lower scoring affair than PSU/IU. MSU defense is in good shape this year with depth.

I think the Washington / Oregon line is only 14.5?

I take Washington to cover, Oregon to win. Keith Price and Bishop Sankey are the first real offensive playmakers Oregon has faced this year. Washington D is palatable.

Mr. Ace said...

When I first looked at the Oregon line I thought they were home. The line I have is 13.5. I still think Oregon is the play. UW can move the ball, but they aren't scoring like Oregon does. Where is Prime when you need him for a scoop?

GMoney said...

I don't know if UW can get up two weeks in a row. Oregon is mos def the play.

You only "broke" that scoop because I was away from technology. But if you want to beat report this team, be my guest BRAH!

The Iceman said...

Wheelz wants to transfer grad schools and Clemson is on the list. Apparently she hates UT. It's probably because Ace went there.

The Iceman said...


Of course he's unhappy. Why wouldn't he be? Cunt.

Prime99 said...

I got G$ some clutch weather info a couple weeks ago, but overall, my insider knowledge was drained via the stomach flu this weekend. My insider knowledge, I mean intestines. No fun.

I watched BOF Michigan and Ohio games on bed rest and the OSU/NW game was great (though disappointing.) Michigan just made me puke more with their first half.

LOL Falcons!

Mr. Ace said...

Wait...you can transfer grad schools? When the fuck did this happen? With Wheelz's new celebrity she could probably go wherever she wants. UT was the worst. But I still rep my Rockets.

Potential replacement for Fagnasty lined up...

GMoney said...

FagNasty's replacement better be equally faggy and nasty. I know who it is though since I sent him your way indirectly.

I gave Prime ELITE weather advice Sunday (all 3 hit) but he was too much of a slopbox to get out of bed and take down Reno.

Spurrier's reactions to Clowney are the best. He TOTES hates that kid.

The Iceman said...

Having never been to grad school myself (too smart for it) I'm not sure what the rules used to be. I would assume transferring schools at the present moment is possible or else Wheelz wouldn't even be talking about doing it. Whatevs, man. I'm down for a transfer. Means I get to relocate to some place not Ohio.

Anonymous said...

Tell her not to look at NYU or Columbia. We don't want you here.


GMoney said...

You'd have to fight off all the STDs that Jeff left behind. Those crabs could be huge now.

Big fan of the "Fuck You, Cakes" finisher today.

GMoney said...

WHAT ABOUT FORDHAM!!! They gave us John Skelton!

The Iceman said...

"Big fan of the "Fuck You, Cakes" finisher today"

My college journalism classes always taught me to finish strong in everything you write. There is no stronger finisher than "Fuck you, Cakes". Maybe "Eat Black Dick, Ide". That has potential.

I'm pretty sure she's looking for something in a warm weather climate so you don't need to worry about us coming to NYC, Ide. Snow and cold weather to Wheelz is Kryptonite to Superman. Or rational thinking to Cakes. Or any person other than whites to Ide.

Anonymous said...

If hating non whites is wrong, I don't want to be right. Wheelz could use her cyborg chair to rumble through the snow (get some kickass snow tires on that puppy and let loose the FURY).

I've known only two people to go to Clemson. One was a douchebag who collected tattoos and like the Steelers. The other was Jeff. When FSU kicks their shit in this year, that school will slink back into irrelevancy. Tell her to go to Chapel Hill like a good girl. And visit the tables that the slaves built in the quad. Good for history. Good for confidence. Good for the soul.


The Iceman said...

I'm not sure that I want to let her go to a school that celebrates Tyler Hansbrough the way they do, Ide.

Anonymous said...

Meyer is already putting the wheelz in motion to get Fickell out of here and into a head coaching job. Prepare yourselves G$ and Grumpy...a Fickell could be heading your way...

Meyer on Luke Fickell: “He's an incredible family man, very good football coach. He'd be an excellent head coach.”


The Iceman said...

"Meyer on Luke Fickell: “He's an incredible family man"

URBZ saying Fickell is a good family man hold about as much credibilty as Damman telling us what female underwear models should look like.

GMoney said...

He could have been Terry Bowden. His wife wouldn't let him. He's a real man.

GMoney said...