Tuesday, October 01, 2013

College Football Week 5.


In honor of Lane Kiffin.  And for Prime.  He gets so hard for Bane Kiffin.



Bear with me today as I mentally recover from Cakes trying to convince the general population that Brian Hoyer is the answer to the Browns playoff prayers yesterday.  Fucking Christ.  That conversation made me want to swan dive into rush hour traffic.  Nothing super exciting over the weekend to report.  Wheelz and I took a weekend off of heavy boozing to watch Prisoners.  Tremendous movie from start to finish and worth a trip to the theatre.  Seriously...it was fucking sweet.  The rest of the weekend was spent texting my brother and ripping on him for willingly attending some techno fest in Atlanta.  If you hate yourself enough to know more about this event filled with shitty techno music and hippy queers juiced up on E while rubbing their assholes on the grass, just ask Cakes about in the comments.  I'm sure he knows all about it.  That is if he can type over his techno erection.  Now for some football.

Those who had Lane Kiffin getting fired after week 5, come collect your prize.  Honestly, this move doesn't surprise me.  Kiffin has been a jar of afterbirth since arriving in Southern California to replace gum chomping Pete Carroll.  Seriously...have you ever seen that fucking horse's ass chew gum?  It's infuriating.  Anyway.  Much like Mike Tomlin, I've always wondered why everyone always sucked the ball hair of Lane Kiffin when it came to coaching skills.  He's never been that impressive.  And if you can't find a way to bring in top talent to the pussy lagoon also known as USC, then you have no business coaching in division I, period.

I don't know why so many Ohio fans were nervous about the Wisconsin game.  That reeked of an Ohio blowout from the start.  It's not like Wisconsin was all that good to begin with.  In case you need a reminder of how not very good Wisconsin is, I offer you this.  Equal parts hilarious and shitty.  Here's the part where all the Buckeye fans pound their chests about Braxton Miller's performance.  Sure.  He played well.  Now let's see if he can build on the impressive 4 quarters played without getting hurt.  IRON MAN!  Because if you remember (Ide), the argument was never about talent.  It was about his moist vagina.

It was nice having a weekend not worrying about which shitty zero win team was going to take Michigan down to the wire.  Especially on a weekend I wasn't drinking.

I see Oregon continues to pound people's butts.  Maybe the Ol' Chipster is replaceable after all.  Or maybe Chipster did a bang up job of making sure the cupboards were stocked before he left.  I don't know.  It just feels like no one is really talking about Oregon that much this year.  Except Colon Cowfucker.  I'm sure he shows up to work every day in his Oregon Ducks thong with matching boobie tassels.

So it looks like Georgia turned out to be pretty good.  You really can't argue with what they've done so far.  I think it's criminal they're ranked only 6th right now in the polls.  Three of their 4 games have been against top 10 schools and they've won two of those three.  The top 3 should be Alabama, Clemson and Georgia.  But I'm sure as soon as people start respecting Georgia in the polls they'll lose to someone stupid.  That's usually how it goes down.  I think someone here picked the Bulldogs to play for the title and right now it seems more possible than not.  I can't wait for the Browns to trade back into the first round to get Aaron Murray in this year's draft.  It's gonna be so cool.

Notre Dame losing always makes Saturday better.  It's crazy how I don't see nearly as many Notre Dame fans on social media this year!  WEIRD!!  It's about time Notre Dame's shitty play caught up with them. This team is not very good and should have at least 4 losses by the end of the year.  I know they aren't good because they lost to Michigan...who is not very good.  Shit.  They should have lost to Purdue and Michigan State this year too.  Brian Kelly should be joining Lane Kiffin in about 2 more seasons.

Who the fuck needs Geno SMIFF??  The only reason I'm putting this game in here is because it was the only real major surprising upset.  But if I hadn't mentioned it...would you have known?  Probably not because this has to be one of the most boring upsets in the history of college football.  No one really give a hillbilly fuck about either of these teams.

Finish strong.  That's what I always say.  Next week's college football post should be just as bad since I'll be in BELIEVELAND for my friend's wedding.  She's Serbian so I'm sure there will be a slivovitz fountain set up somewhere in the reception hall.  Once of three weddings I have this month.  Yeah...you read that right.  Fucking THREE weddings in October.  Right in the middle of football season.  I hope you like my wedding gift, everyone.  You're all getting the same thing.  It's a box with "Fuck You" spelled out with a few of my fresh turd nuggets.  Seriously...who the fuck gets married during football season?  A bunch of assholes, that's who.  That's my time.  Peace out, dick chuggers.

38 comments:

Grumpy said...

Kenny MOTHERFUCKIN' Powers.

GMoney said...

There were many locals yesterday calling into radio shows complaining about only winning by 7. Dude, fuck those people so hard. You should be thankful that the Badgers don't ever make any big plays and have a really dumb secondary.

Again, Droolers new tailgate spot is legit.

October weddings are for inconsiderate assholes like Seal.

Anonymous said...

a glorious slate of games and we get this anal blood(see what I did!) of a post. its almost unbearable.

also, eat cock. last week you said that denard was a better passer than braxton. now all of the sudden you say the argument was never about talent. you are a mouthbreathing supertard. eat braxtons butt.

GMoney said...

Ide? Strong ass take right meow! But you're more than allowed to add to the day's discussion.

Mr. Ace said...

LOLZ anon

There was totes some great football Saturday. I was very glad that I didn't have to worry about Michigan giving FAMU their first win. Now Michigan is a 20 pt favorite over Minnesota...I have seen this movie before.

Bradley Roby is ass, lets just get that out of the way. Top 10 draft pick? He might be a 2nd rounder. Good thing he came back. HA! As for the rest of the Fuckeyes, Braxton did look pretty good. I still think Smooth Jazz would have looked just as good, and probably better as I think he makes those deep throws that Braxton missed in the 2nd half. Also, Urbz wouldn't run the QB a million times if Smooth Jazz were out there, thus getting the ball into people's hands other than Hyde. Urbz totes went Tressel Ball. But it's the B1G so he can mostly do that.

Georgia is right where they should be. They will get their chance to prove themselves as the season goes on. I thought fo sho LSU was winning that one.

Oregon is more legit than ever this year. I hope the Eagles tank for Mariotta.

Clemson will probably lose to Syracuse this week.

MuDawgfan said...

"Georgia is right where they should be. They will get their chance to prove themselves as the season goes on. I thought fo sho LSU was winning that one."


Agree 100%
Only team I could imagine jumping them is FSU. And they still have the chance to do that if they beat Clemson at Death Valley.

Dawgs need some help.
An Ohio State loss to Northwestern would be phenomenal. Ditto for Stanford and Oregon.

Anonymous said...

I hope you guys would know me well enough to know that I use correct punctuation and would never use words like supertard. But, it was a strong take indeed.

Rupe unblocked me! But we are no longer friends. That saddens me. I also think it's pretty choice that at one point he went through his block list to untag me.

Oregon looks super good and Alabama looks like they will run the table. The thing that I am really not trying to focus on are the teams up top. There is basically a representative from each conference in the Top 6, and they all look like they are going undefeated. I'd rather not think of that at the moment, and wait for everyone to start losing. Clemson is certainly on the clock.

Ide

Jeff said...

Clemson in a dome? GTFO Ape. Agreed with you on Roby, though. I watched him all game and the white man gave him a beating only his ancestors had seen before.

LOLZ at Iceman changing his Bmill argument.

The Iceman said...

Christ. I don't have time for dipshits today.

First, show me the sentence where I said Denard was a better passer than Braxton Miller, Anon. I'd love to read it since I'm pretty positive those words never came out of my mouth.

Second, again...show me the sentence where I called Braxton Miller a no talent ass clown as you seem to believe I have. I have never denied that Braxton Miller is a talented player. I've just said he's a pussy and can't stay on the field. Which is FACT.

Third, stop being a faggot pussy and attach your name to your post...especially if you just plan on making shit up. Or just sit there and snicker like a fuckin douche while you take internet jabs anonymously. Fuck...I don't care. Either way...sounds like you have a very rewarding life.

Anonymous said...

"Denard was an average at best college passer but a highly decorated, ELITE runner/playmaker. The same assessment you guys are giving Miller minus the highly decorated part. Am I right so far? Did I lose you yet? So if Denard barely gets drafted and not even at the position he played in college, how are you expecting Miller to be drafted as a quarterback by any team at this point when there are roughly 130 different guys to choose from at that position? You see...because Miller hasn't had anything close to the statistical success that Denard had in college and isn't as tough as Denard was. Still there, buddy? I have the answer for you in case you're struggling, Jeffery."

you are fucking hopeless. looks like a direct attack on his talent to me. u dont need to respond. it wont make since anyways. enjoy ur day.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the props G$....our tailgate was TOTES on fire on Saturday. We had four urinals and they were all needed.

First of all, LOLZ @ all you dumbasses that swore Braxton was going to be "rusty" against Wisconsin. Fucking G$ preaching that snaps against FAMU would have been prevented him from being rusty....or others saying Braxton was going to struggle adn then Kenny G's confidence was going to be shot when he was forced to play. LOLZ @ all of you. He showed zero signs of rust and just went out and got B1G Player of the Week.

I actually think Wisconsin is pretty decent, unlike the Iceman. We'll find out this weekend, but right now I'd say them or NW is the 2nd best team in the B1G.

OSU is on a different level than the rest of the conference tho.

I thought Georgia would beat LSU...they are legit.

Urban Meyer....17-0 in Columbus.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Anon > Iceman...4 Life

What bothered me the most on Saturday was everyone acting like Zack Mettenberger was coming back to Athens with revenge on his mind. As if he left because Richt went with Aaron Murray. No, Zack Attack was fond of sexual battery and had no choice but to leave. His revenge was on consensual sex. Dude is a scumbag bastard so it is fitting that he hands the ball off to Jeremy Hill. LSU should be rooted against every week.

GMoney said...

Drooler, you asked me before the game and before I was hug-raped by you for a prediction and I said 31-24. BOW DOWN.

The Iceman said...

Where was the part in that paragraph that I said Miller was terrible, Anon? The part where I said he was an ELITE playmaker? Or where I said he was an ELITE runner? Because I'm pretty sure I compared his athletic skills to Denard...which would be a compliment to him since Denard broke NCAA records.

What that paragraph is ACTUALLY doing is saying that if Braxton Miller doesn't improve his passing skills, he can expect to be drafted where Denard was drafted if he is going to be drafted at all. I should know...because I fucking wrote it and remember the conversation/context in which is was written.

Or you could ask the Ohio fans here if I've ever said that Braxton Miller was shit. Or terrible. Or anything close to that. You could try that instead of copy and pasting little blurbs totally out of context in a sad attempt to convince yourself otherwise.

Kill yourself.

Jeff said...

"Because I'm pretty sure I compared his athletic skills to Denard...which would be a compliment to him since Denard broke NCAA records"

Get Denard's shoe laces out of your pee hole already.

Anonymous said...

did u really just say out of context? do you know the definition of context?

based on what i quoted, you believe that braxton will be drafted later than denard robinson and not drafted as a qb, correct? thats what it looks like. that is a fucking stupid opinion.

and lets be clear, you never called braxton an elite talent. you said that other people were calling him that, just as you called denard that. but you don't know what context means, so whats the point.

The Iceman said...

"Get Denard's shoe laces out of your pee hole already"

When you stop sucking Ben Raper's rapey wart dick.

The Iceman said...

"you believe that braxton will be drafted later than denard robinson and not drafted as a qb, correct?"

Correct. Well...same round or later. That's not a shot at Braxton Miller's talent or his playmaking ability RIGHT NOW, dipshit. That's a shot at his ability to be what he currently is at a higher level in the NFL. Or do you think that college talent always translates to the NFL? You do, don't you!? HA! So dumb.

"and lets be clear, you never called braxton an elite talent. you said that other people were calling him that."

Let's be clear. Yes I did. But you wouldn't know that because you only grabbed a few sentence fragments from a conversation that happened last week. Dig deeper...or take my advice and ask the Ohio fans here my opinion of Miller...and you wouldn't look so fucking stupid.

Anonymous said...

anon rolls hard in the paint....I dig it.

--Drew

Brady said...

Roby definitely looked average. He even got away with one or two other plays when he bit early on the first move and grabbed that tenth year senior when trying to recover. His draft stock definitely took a hit.

Maybe it was just a bad game. It also could've been the fact that OSU was stacking the box against their running game and leaving the corners on an island all night.

Whatever it was, shit needs to change QUICKLY.

Buckeyes absolutely went Tresselball in the fourth quarter. I thought Urbz was an ATTACKING coach. The game was never really in doubt but Wisky did get the ball back late with a chance to tie. That can't happen when you have a 17 point lead late in the third.

Anonymous said...

"Correct. Well...same round or later."

that's really all i needed. u r fucking stupid.

Mr. Ace said...

What round did Denard get drafted? 6th? 5th? It was one of those two. Either way, Braxton is totes getting taken before Denard because he will get an opportunity to play QB in the NFL. I would be surprised if he fell out of the 3rd. I think he will suck ass, but I think an NFL team will take a shot at him.

LETS GET DENARDED!

The Iceman said...

Whatever you say, Troy Smith. But I don't suppose you'll show up to admit you're wrong when it actually happens. Because useless pussies just slink off into the shadows hoping everyone forgets the dumb comments they made.

The Iceman said...

Who was the better Ohio QB, Ace? Braxton Miller or Troy Smiff? I hope you say the guy who won the Heisman trophy, was named Big 10 player of the decade and played in a National Championship game.

Troy Smiff was drafted 5th round and was a statistically better passer than Miller. I just don't see Braxton Miller going sooner than that.

GMoney said...

I love it when randoms attack Iceman. He gets so mad bro.

Cakes, Roby was also pretty pathetic against Cal. He needs to assault more IU fans.

Brady said...

I tend to agree with Iceman on Braxton (/shoots self in face). He has made good strides in the passing game but unless there is signifigant improvement over the next year and a half, I don't see him as an NFL QB.

Prime99 said...

Bane Kiffin is ELITE, and the pic above is the best.

Murder Panties left a bloody trail of excrement behind them in victory last night. So awesome.

Mr. Ace said...

Despite what Michael Smith wants you to believe, Numbers DO Lie.

Top 10 college QB's ever in yardage:
1. Case Keenum* 19217 2007 2011 Houston
2. Timmy Chang* 17072 2000 2004 Hawaii
3. Landry Jones* 16646 2009 2012 Oklahoma
4. Graham Harrell* 15793 2005 2008 Texas Tech
5. Ty Detmer 15031 1988 1991 Brigham Young
6. Kellen Moore* 14667 2008 2011 Boise State
7. Colt Brennan* 14193 2005 2007 Hawaii
8. Philip Rivers* 13484 2000 2003 North Carolina State
9. Colt McCoy* 13253 2006 2009 Texas
10. Kevin Kolb* 12964 2003 2006 Houston

Philip Rivers is the only decent one of the bunch. College stats don't really get me all hot and bothered because they aren't that relevant when it comes to QB's making the jump. Braxton has the prototypical build and athleticism for teams to want him. Again, he will suck, but teams will go after him.

Anonymous said...

There was an article on NFL.com last week where some NFL execs were making McNabb comparisons for Braxton. I'd be shocked if he didn't get drafted until the 5th round. Troy Smiff is a dumb comparison. He was 5'11'' and not the quickest of feet. Braxton is bigger and a pretty ELITE athlete with the ball. Ape's 3rd round grade sounds about right.

--Drew

Jeff said...

Heisman Trophy winning QBs since 2000 who have entered the league.

2000 Chris Weinke
2001 Eric Crouch
2002 Carson Palmer
2003 Jason White
2004 Matt Leinart
2005 Troy Smiff
2007 Tim Tebow
2008 Sam Bradford
2010 Cam Newton
2011 RGIII

Clearly, winning the Heisman is directly correlated to NFL success.

The Iceman said...

The only question I have is who was the more talented college QB, Jeff? Miller or Smiff. Just answer that for me and we can be all done.

GMoney said...

Colt Brennan was a GREAT preseason NFL QB. And unless those yardage totals were calculated by Timmy Chang himself, I question their accuracy.

Anonymous said...

That comparison can only hold up if Braxton plays next year. Senior Smiff was much better than Junior Miller. Id wager to say Senior Miller will be better.

Ide

Jeff said...

Exactly, Ide. So at this point in their college careers. Braxton IS better and IS more talented and the same will be true next year, not to mention Smiff's heisman was won in his FIFF year in college.

GMoney said...

Let's also not forget that Troy Smiff was friends with Steve McNair who is dead. Great point, G$.

Anonymous said...

Braxton fucked Maria Tiberi. Probably. Volley, Ide.

Ide

Nate said...

You'd be dead too after getting hollowed out by Braxton's massive python.

GMoney said...

Antonio Henton tried to fuck her for $19. ELITE memory. This conversation has taken a turn for the morbid.