|THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!!!|
I write this on Wednesday afternoon and while I will not adjust the post based on what happens on the diamond later this evening, my sentiment remains the same. Much like what Li’l Strut will be doing a few months from now on Election Night, today I raise the white flag and deliver the concession speech on behalf of the New York Yankees.
If you recall, I said before the season even saw its first pitch that I would absolutely not use injuries as an excuse for poor play. And while it would be easy to do so considering that it was even worse than I could have possibly imagined in my worst nightmare, I still won’t do it. Loser teams use excuses. Winners admit that they fell short and move on. After getting shutout on Tuesday night by past female babysitter rape victim, RA Dickey, and losing the underrated Brett Gardner for the year a few days prior, it’s just not going to happen. You don’t have to be a Chinaman to know that 3.5 games out with 11 to play is bad math.
The strange thing about this season is that I’m kind of proud of the team. They hung in there for a long time when they should have folded. If anything, the New York Yankees in 2013 were pretty much underdogs which is a very weird thing to say. With what has happened, there is no way that they should still be hanging around. But they are and it is a testament to the character of the team and how good of a job Unfrozen Caveman Manager has done. Other than Cano, Mariano, D-Rob, Nova, Kuroda, Gardner, and a rejuvenated Soriano, everyone else has been rotten garbage. Mark Teixeira has a wider pussy than Braxton Miller. Derek Jeter had more DL trips than hits. A-Rod was only ELITE at trolling Bud Selig. Granderson is just a platoon player these days. Vernon Wells LOL. I don’t know what the hell happened with Sabathia but he’s pitching less like an ace and more like Tom Ace (ELITE Pet Detective reference). Hughes and Joba were once the future of the team and now I’d be willing to help them move out of town. We have had at least 50 guys on the team this year that were cut by the Indians. Needless to say, there has been way more bad than good which makes it even more bizarre that they are still barely alive.
I am OK with not making the postseason since they would probably lose the wild card game anyway due to no #1 starter and that is just as bad as not making it. But at the same time, I still wanted to get there. Yet I can spend an entire winter stewing over the two main reasons why they are playing golf early and ruining the Mariano Rivera retirement tour: got swept by the Mets and got swept by the White Sox. That’s inexcusable. THAT is why you sit at home. I’m not even going to start going into the three or four miracle losses handed down to us by the Boston Awful Beards. Also: my sister went to two games this year and got to see two blown Mariano saves (which is sort of amazing). This season is TOTES on her.
So all that is left for me to do over the next week and a half is to cherish and embrace the final appearances by Mo. I can do that. That will be enjoyable. I suppose that I can also root against the Indians since they have proven that they can’t beat the teams that I require them to beat. You can’t beat Boston or Detroit. DEAL WITH IT and let some teams that can get in. Seriously, just go away. No one wants you here. And for the second day in a row, Fuck the Tigers.
With all of that said, we Yankees fans are solemn today but we will rebound. We are a resilient bunch due to our high character. Unless we let Cano walk in the offseason which would be the dumbest thing ever. After all, the last time that we missed the playoffs (once in the last 20 years, fuckos), we came back the next year with a Series title (Tigers fans don’t know what these are…they only hoard AL Championship rings). What I’m trying to say here is that OBVZ we will win the World Series next year. And Fuck the Tigers and Red Sox.
One more thing: The Browns traded Trent Richardson to the Colts. HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE WORST ORGANIZATION EVER. Just move the team. There is no hope. I feel nothing but deep sorrow for all of you poor bastards that chose this god awful franchise as your own.