Friday, September 13, 2013

Time To Nut Up or Shut Up, Johnny F and SabeCakes

That's pretty funny.
We didn’t have to wait long for college football to dump the Game of the Year on us, did we? I couldn’t be more excited for tomorrow afternoon’s villain vs. villain matchup in College Station. The only thing that scares me about this clash is knowing that I will have to listen to Gary Danielson for 3+ hours and that blows. Nick Saban and Johnny Football part deux…awesome.

While much will be said about whether or not SabeCakes can slow down Commander Autograph, the game will be won or lost on the opposite sides of the ball. Alabama may have hung 35 on Fake Neck Beamer two weeks ago, but the offense had very little to do with that. It was terrible. However, the Aggie defense couldn’t stop me this season. They got torched by Rice and gave up over 200 on the ground to Sam Houston State last week. I would imagine that TJ Yeldon will have a field day tomorrow. He should rack up 200 yards himself easily. But that might not be enough if Manziel is on top of his ELITE troll game. Another win over SabeCakes and the rest of those hill people would be the ultimate F-You to all the haters out there. Don’t underestimate his troll skills. The line on this game is either Alabama -7.5 or -8 depending on where you look. It doesn’t matter to me.

I’m taking the points here if you are demanding that I wager (I probably will not). You’re telling me that if this game were played on a neutral field, the Tide are 11 points better than the Aggies? Fuck that. I’ll take a greater than a touchdown home dog with the Heisman trophy winner any day. I do think that Bama will win, but not by that much. Let’s say for the sake of predicting…Alabama wins 31-29. How about some other good bets for the weekend?

Louisville -14 @ Kentucky – I saw firsthand last week that UK blows. This might be the last time all year that you don’t have to give four touchdowns to win with Teddy B.
Rutgers -27 vs. Eastern Michigan – I’m riding the EMU Sucks Train until it derails and kills us all.
Boston College +14 @ USC – USC proved last week that they aren’t two touchdowns better than anyone. BC’s team motto this year is “BE A DUDE”…ok?
Penn State -5.5 vs. Central Florida – My guess here is that the crowd noise alone is worth a touchdown for the home team. And I’m starting to think that PSU might be underrated.
Illinois +9.5 vs. Washington – I think that this game is in Chicago. I don’t know why I mentioned that. The Illini are flying high after ending the life of UC QB Munchie Legaux last week (that was nasty). I don’t think that they will win but this should be a good game.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (1-0!) Kansas State -39 vs. UMass – There is no MAC on MAC violence this weekend which is a damn shame so we might as well just bet against the one team that might be worse than the RedHawks. The Minutemen are AWFUL and Bill Snyder learned his lesson from the North Dakota State game. This has 63-7 written all over it.

It’s underdog week in the NFL!
Washington +8 @ Green Bay – It wasn’t the start that I had hoped for but there is no team in the league 8 points better than us.
Dallas +2.5 @ Kansas City – I buy Andy Reid less than I buy T-Bone Romo.
Pittsburgh +7.5 @ Cincinnati (MNF) – The Steelers are low on talent and healthy players, but they are still a proud team who won’t get blown out on a nationally televised game.

Who’s ready for Mr. Ace’s Hammer of the Week? The man is now 2-2 on the season and I’m going to start allowing him to make a college and a pro hammer (but his moneylines will not count toward his record). He’s got some good ones this week.
NCAA: Louisville -11.5. I know this line has already got up to 13, but I got on it Sunday night. ME>U
NFL: Eagles -7. This is not a homer pick. The Chargers just had their urethra ripped out Monday night and now they have to travel to the east coast for a 1PM start against an offense that is trying to crank out 100 plays a game. Chargers get overwhelmed.
MONEYLINE: Bowling Green at Indiana. I was between BG and UCLA here. Ultimately I have to give the nod to BG because they were able to contain a good Tulsa offense and Indiana doesn't appear to even have a defense.

That will do it. Before I go, big props to my dad for crossing off a bucket list item this weekend as he and my mom are going up to Lambeau Field on Sunday to watch the Skins hopefully not fall to 0-2. It’s a trip that I’ve always wanted to make (and I assume most of you would say the same). Hopefully it ends up better for them than it did for The Torg though who went up there and then came back with no health insurance and the worst blog ever. Torg still sucks. As a final reminder, the RedHawks are off this weekend but don’t forget to start betting against them every week starting next week.


GMoney said...

Ugh, that game last night was awful. STOP PLAYING THURSDAY NIGHT GAMES, NFL.

Anonymous said...

Even at 13 that Louisville game is a lock. UK bad, bros.

My PLAYER TO WATCH was Christian Hackenberg from PSU (TRANSCENDENT call), that dude is a beast. I put a sweet bill on that game alone.

I guess I'm happy I have Pats D, but not really. The Patriots are fucking terrible and I hate the fact they are in the AFC Least. I wouldn't be surprised if the Dolphins take that division.


GMoney said...

Doesn't it seem like every damn year the Patriots have a really easy schedule (which makes sense due to LOL AFC East)? That is infuriating.

Also, I LOVE Ape's NFL call this week. I have already hammered that as my biggest bet of the year thus far. Short week after a choke flying across country for an early game as the Chargers? Sign me the fuck up for only 7 points.

Jeff said...

Agreed on the Thursday NFL thought. These guys need more than 3 days rest before they play another game and Ridley is a fucking bum.

Gotta take A&M with the points at home if you're betting that game.

I like Nebraska at home -4 in what will be a 9 am kick for UCLA.

GMoney said...

It's hard to put money on a turd like Bo Pelini but Jim Mora Jr is equally poopy. Stay away.

Ridley is shit. And I don't want to toot my own horn yet, but it sure does feel like I'm going to be damn right about Tommy Brady not being an ELITE fantasy QB this year. Iceman said "top 5". Not with those teammates, bro-heem.

Anonymous said...

I'm playing against Tom Brady in the G$FL this week....LOLZ! One step closer to G$ on Twitter.

G$ used to like Torg...true fact.

G$ also is betting on 3 B1G teams this week?? (Rutgers counts)...BOLD MOVE. attractive was Jenny McCarthy in person?


Anonymous said...

You see, I used that rented mule Ridley last year for all he was worth and got a championship out of it. He never even crossed my mind as being a serviceable back this year. Tommy Cakes will certainly not be a top 5 qb this year. He will likely finish behind the faggot.


Grumpy said...

OT, but after watching Iceman on both The View and Inside Edition, I feel really sorry for him. Every time he leaves the house he knows people will be saying "What does that beautiful woman see in HIM?"

GMoney said...

WHOA! I haven't laid any money down yet. Don't you accuse me of being a Big Dump supporter.

Bro, who's at the top of the mountain? Smell my dick, bitch.

Sort of off topic but I really like TT coach, Kliff Kingsbury. Dude is a stud.

Brady said...

Dr. Phil and Jared are BFF's.

That game last night was an absolute clusterfuck. It was barely watchable. I did enjoy watching Geno Smith throw pick after pick in a clearly winnable game. SEE RETARDED BROWNS FANS. We didn't need Geno in the draft. We already have one on the roster.

GMoney said...

If Iceman (who is Jared? The Subway Guy?) wasn't such an Orlando Bloom fag hag and demanded to be on the same show, he could have went on today and met fucking DeNiro.

Brady said...

Holy shit! DeNiro is on today? I'm going to bring that up approximately every two minutes when I'm at his house tonight.

Mr. Ace said...

Miami was totes my pick to click and steal the division. But they have only played the Browns so nobody really knows how good they will be.

I also like Marshall -8, ASU -5, and UCLA +5. I was eyeing the Neb/UCLA game before last weekend, and now they are playing for a dead guy? Nebraska is totes going to lose. In the NFL I like Browns +6 and Buffalo +3. I will also take 9.5 points with the Titans. Probably going undefeated this weekend.

Prime99 said...

No thoughts on college, but after Iceman's Patriots performance, I'm going to give him a MSFL ass whoopin' for his birfday!

Poor Urlacher not getting a text from Cutler! Dude must be sad to not get any more Jenny McCarthy Ying.

GMoney said...

And Paris Hilton.

Here's a gripe: where the fuck has Li'l Strut been? Is he big-timing us now that he is after public office? Does he think that distancing himself from us will help his campaign. Fuck that guy so hard.

As a reminder, RIP Lennay's been a tough year since you left us.

The Iceman said...

Not sure who this Jared guy is...

I don't know for sure because I missed the entire second half of yesterday's game since Newark airport apparently doesn't know how to treat their celebrities when it comes to flight delays...but I heard the second half was played in a monsoon. But that, along with playing a game 4 days ago, probably had nothing to do with Brady's lackluster performance. You're right...he SUX.

Fun fact about DeNiro on The was taped yesterday shortly after we were done. So he will not be live today. We heard him being called to hair and makeup as we were leaving the building.

Drew...Jenny McCarthy is super hot in person. And she's hilarious too which is even better. The downside is that she's dating Donald Walberg. Kindof a step down from Jim Carrey although Walberg was the SHIT in Sixth Sense.

Now when people see me with Wheelz, Grumpy...they'll just assume she's with me because I shit cash or have an elephant dick. I'm good with either.

GMoney said...

It rained but it wasn't that bad. The problem is, as was my justification for staying away from him, that he has NO ONE to throw to. Plus, his last name was named after BradyCakes so you know that he blows.

Mr. Ace said...

If LS doesn't turn it around we should turn this blog into a daily smear campaign. And by smear campaign I mean we should fully endorse him and let everybody know.

How old is Jenny McCarthy now? I swear I had a poster of her when I was 12. It's a shame she didn't go full blown whoring like Pamela.

Brady said...

The big questions is, will the new hoveround power chair be on hand tonight? I'm guessing you have already comandeered that for your own personal use. I call dibs on the second ride around the house.

Anonymous said...

I will be the first to be banned from LS campaign page. Though, to be fair, I can't imagine many of the yokels up in that part of the state even go on facebook.

I bet he does a lot of campaigning at bowling alleys and yard sales.


GMoney said...

It is County Fair parade season! We're more of a MySpace county.

My guess is that Jenny is in her late 30s/maybe 40. Would. Still. Bang. For. 8 Seconds. Tops.

GMoney said...

UPDATE: LS has told Ape that he still reads but refrains from commenting some days due to the racism and homophobic comments. Somebody go get this bleeding heart a granola bar.

I assume that he was just joking and is busy but, if not, I'm telling the Bryan Times about your refusal to be a true Republican. Now where's my fucking t-shirt!

The Iceman said...

According to Wikipedia, McCarthy is 40. Jesus Christ she looks fucking good for 40.

The Hover Round will be shipped to us, sadly. But I already told Wheelz it will be my form of transportation every time I go to the bar from this point until that thing dies or I do. I also don't hesitate to sing the Hover Round song from the commercial every chance I get while she's in ear shot. I've also been asking her in my most sincere voice: "I have a question for you. I know your Hover Round takes you where you want to go. But where exactly will it take you? The possibilities are endless. The Grand Canyon! The Everglades! ANYWHERE!"

She TOTES loves it when I do that.

The Iceman said...

The Bryan Times is the NY Times of Northwest Ohio. FACT! The Northwest Signal is more like the National Enquirer.

Anonymous said...

I guess LS will be taking the rest of football season off! Though, looking at his facebook page, his past couple months of updates read exactly like every other politician. Peppered with Go Local Sports Team, and Check out this Local Event!, he probably can't afford to be associated with ilk such as Grumpy and Jeff. I wouldn't want to either.


GMoney said...

I shaved my ass for this? SI's boning portion of Okie State was lame as fuck. BOOOOOO!!! In fact, the entire piece is pure shit. In what world does "somebody told us this but admit that they never actually saw it" count as hard journalism? That is worse than this site. I have more evidence that Aaron Craft is a pillow biter than they do that OK State did a bunch of bad stuff. LAME.