Wednesday, September 04, 2013

They Still Have No Competition

Never forget the best day in internet history (probably not but still ELITE)
Over the last few years, if you didn't at one point mutter "ESPN sucks" to yourself then you are probably not an American.  Because, man, is it not good anymore.  You can blame the nature of the 24/7 news cycle as much you want but those people in Bristol take the most mundane and minor stories and beat a dead John Elway weekly.  We all wanted ANY alternative to escape their annoying clutches.  Other than College GameDay (and expanding that to FOUR hours this past week is not doing anybody any favors), us normal people just want something else to give us our highlights without Tim Tebow updates on the hour and smug Sal Paolantonio tomfoolery.  I HATE Sal.

And we got it a few weeks ago!  Yay!  Fox Sports 1 hit the airwaves in August to finally give us another option to get caught up on what we missed that day.  They have Erin Andrews!  She isn't even trying to hock poop steroids!  And Charissa Thompson (not a fan of hers...she isn't THAT hot and will always have that Colin T. stench on her)!  As well as two anchors from Canada who are apparently really good at their jobs and are funny!  YOUR REIGN OF TERROR IS OVER, ESPN, AND NOW YOU CAN GET FUCKED AND DIE!!!  But there is just one problem...

Fox Sports 1 is fucking terrible.  And that makes me a sad panda.

Please tell me that you've sampled their version of SportsCenter.  It is the worst.  In case you have not subjected yourself to this garbage, let me tell you what it's like.  The Canucks do 10 minutes or so of game highlights and that's fine.  Then they throw it to Charissa or Erin (whichever one is not doing nude squat pulses in their dressing room at the moment) who is sitting in a semi-circle with Donovan McNabb, Andy Roddick, Gabe Kapler (I would rather them hire Gabe Kaplan), and whoever the fuck Ephraim Salaam is.  THEN they get into their version of EMBRACE DEBATE.  The one time that I watched this garbage was when these five were discussing Ryan Braun.  They started with an opinion from Kapler which is fine.  Then it was time for Donovan to weigh in on the topic.  I can't think of anything I'd rather watch less than McNabb riffing on topics that he doesn't understand.  Andy Roddick talking about the Jets QB battle?  Sign me up!  Salaam asking Mark Cuban for a tryout with the Mavericks for five minutes?  RIVETING!

Basically, this is a highlights show/Best Damn Sports Show Period mash-up and IT.  IS.  AWFUL.  They spend half of the hour having jocks talk about things that they don't know.  I'm more qualified to talk about the NBA than Gabe Kapler is and I guarantee that I could make more people care about my opinions than Gabe does.  If you're going to do this then bring back Tom Arnold.  At least he was somewhat funny.  Who does #2 work for!

FOX Sports Live (I just looked up the name) is unwatchable.  It's First Take but with more assholes.  If you are like me and are rooting for someone to step up and give us watchable sports programming then I apologize because it isn't going to be Fox.  I have no idea if Fox Football Daily or Crowd Goes Wild are worth a shit but I'm going to guess no since Regis hosts one of them.  If ESPN did a Mt. Rushmore of awful rivals, Fox Sports 1 would get all four heads.  Piece of shit.  DO NOT RECOMMEND.

31 comments:

The Iceman said...

Even though reading sucks...I normally get all my sports news from the Internet.

Speaking of Tebow...he done, right? If he can't make a roster of a team that has an owner that openly hoped for him to make the team and a coordinator who drafted him however many years ago AND a head coach that has a reputation for getting the most out of terrible players, then no other team will waste their time right? Are we finally released from our Tim Tens captivity? We'll always have RibFest buddy.

GMoney said...

I wrote my final Tenor post months ago and vowed not to do it again. Call him "Michigan football" because he's irrelevant here now.

I am going to win the LFL again. Then I will take Ephraim Salaam's seat on FS Live because I am more famous than he is.

Jeff said...

My very "MEH" team is surely going to take you down in week one this year!

Prime99 said...

I definitely skip ESPN's NFL Gameday coverage for the NFL Network (not much better) but I do end up watching Fantasy Football Now on ESPN News. I agree that someone needs to challenge ESPN, but no network has done a good enough job yet.

CBS Radio, Fox Radio, and NBC Radio all have glimmers of hope but their catalog of shows are weak as a whole. Plus, ESPN improved by getting rid of Mike Hill. If only the Turd were next.

Anonymous said...

I'm not giving up on Fox Sports 1 yet. Fox has zillions of dollars and has a history of taking down some monster companies. I agree that the product is not good yet...but, they are in it for the long haul as shown by some of the events they have purchased and will continue to tweak until they start making dents into ESPN. At least I hope so.

Iceman...you are far from done with Tebow, since his next step is probably to be the religious faction recruiting leader on Ohio State's staff.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Is the gabe Kapler on fox the same as the former Detroit tiger "can't miss" prospect gabe kapler? I can't imagine there being that many people in the world named gabe kapler.

There are a lot of terrible teams in the LFL. Mine included. Maybe I will do more homework next time.

Another huge problem with fox sports 1 is that 60% of their programming is either racing or UFC garbage.

I think everyone hates espn, but we're also addicted. They have no reason to get better because us dumbasses watch constantly.

Dut

Anonymous said...

I actually don't watch much ESPN at all. I watch the live sports...College Game Day for basketball and football...SportsCenter for short periods of time, but that's pretty much where it ends. I don't have any interest in the rest as it sucks. I watch MLB Network for all baseball news as it shits on Baseball Tonight.

--Drew

GMoney said...

It is, Dutford. But don't forget about the English Premier League!

That's the problem. We're all conditioned to just turn it on when nothing else is on while we dick around on the internet.

Bringing Donovan McNabb on board as a key contributor was the worst decision.

GMoney said...

I think I might have said this yesterday but 4 hours of College Gameday this past weekend was AWFUL. Them going to three hours every week with the A team is equally terrible. They are going to KILL that show.

GMoney said...

The Cleveland Kidnapper hung himself in his cell? It looks someone took the Indians choking a little too seriously.

Anonymous said...

The Indians choking? I think its a little bit of a stretch to say they choke. I would agree with saying "they fucking suck, cant score runs, and its stupid that they are even sniffing the playoffs". But to say they choked is dumb.

Seal

Anonymous said...

It's my preferred way to see them go.

Relying on something called Ryan Williams to be a viable starter in LFL (pronounced AWFUL) is a bold gamble, but, I was pretty ok with our draft. With Daniels team in the mix, last place is definitely out of the question.

The draft is live next year or we riot.

Ide

Anonymous said...

The Indians choked.

Ide

Anonymous said...

The Indians are just bad and it's great the Cakes, Slow Seal and Damman think otherwise each year.

Also, this YouTube of the new traditions for Western Michigan football is tremendous...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgHyEbMQ-OE

Nate said...

I took the advancement of Gameday to 1:00pm as a huge middle finger to BigTen football, considering many of the games start at 12:00pm.

There's hope for FS1. BTN was atrocious when it first came out, and I think it's fairly watchable after 6 years.

The Iceman said...

Remember how Ide drafted Montee Ball as an every week fantasy starter? Remember how Ronnie Hillman is listed as the week one starter? Remember how Ide is going to want to kill himself by week 5 because of that?

Brady said...

The Indians can only "choke" if they somehow make up this three game deficit in the wildcard and lose it on the last day or something. According to most people, they have overachieved. Ill give G$ style points for making the Castro/Indians choking joke however. Well played.

I have to agree with Dut. I hate pretty much everything ESPN does but here I am on my couch with Sportscenter on. It's just something you do when the TV gets turned on. I tried watching FoxSports the first few days and I couldn't stomach it. It's fucking horrendous. They also fucked up by not putting the channel next to or at least closer to ESPN on the channel list. It's already out of sight and out of mind when you put it in "GOLFHD/NHLHD" territory.

I'm watching a Brady Hoke interview right now where he can't even name his defensive line. Priceless.

GMoney said...

The Big Ten Network is most definitely not watchable. Are you the one person other than my mother-in-law that watches it? Shame on you.

LOL at anyone who thinks that Ronald Hillman is going to be the featured FACTORback. Ball is getting goallines. The only reason he isn't the #1 is because his pass blocking blows. I blame Bert Bielema for that. Why don't you go for 2 and leave the FF talk to the grown-ups, BRAH.

I had to use the choke pun because the guy hung himself like a boss. I don't believe that the Tribe choked. I do believe that Cakes wants to choke all of our chickens.

My team will be ELITE if Gronk ever gets over his Hepatitis A-ZZZZZ. Breesus and I have a tendency to make sweet magic together. Add in some Skittles and I see no reason to expect less than excellence.

Anonymous said...

Icemans HOT TAKES regarding fantasy should be posted in the PFT forums. I bet he bases most of his info off of that asterisked paper next to the names on espn.com.

I have Ball in 1/3 leagues and he has wemt for big bucks in auction. I dont need him to gobble up yards in a TD league.

Ide

GMoney said...

I have four teams. I have Green-Ellis in 3 and Bernard in 2. I clearly know what I'm doing. What I'm trying to say here is...

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS and put some points up on the board and win the game for Cin-cin-nati!

If you have no idea what I'm talking about--don't worry--the Bengals have the worst fight song in the history of football/music.

Prime99 said...

Week 1 will be a dry week for Bungles TDs.

I drafted my last team last night, and there were some God-awful picks. Andrew Luck in the FOURF round (I got Matt Ryan in the FIF round) and some other dumb shit. It was a difficult draft because of the amount of dumbness. I'm glad the season is here.

The Iceman said...

"I'm watching a Brady Hoke interview right now"

Michigan fan.

I love how you guys keep making excuses for a guy who the coaching staff had so many issues with they weren't even comfortable putting his name atop of the depth chart for week 1. Ask David Wilson how being rotten at pass pro effects playing time. I bet it takes once for Manning to get his dick mashed from a pass rusher Ball didn't pick up for Monteeeee to get buried on the depth chart Knowshon Moreno style.

I'm not saying Ronnie Hillman is getting 25 carries a game. But I AM saying that Hillman will see enough work that owning Ball will be no better than owning Mark Ingram last year. So if you're all good with 600 yards and 5 touchdowns getting rolled out every week as your RB2...then you need to re-evaluate who the dumb one is.

One other thing...Call me crazy but I'm sure Denver didn't retain two 1,000 yards WRs from last year and spend the money to get a 3rd in the offseason to pound the rock in the redzone all season. So there's that.

GMoney said...

Wilson got buried because he fumbled on opening night on one of his first carries and we all know that Rat Boy Coughlin is allergic to turnovers. Plus, David Wilson sucks.

Maybe you're right. Maybe Denver does use their RBs like Green Bay and New Orleans do. I also assume that everything that Ide does is wrong. But Ball has the most talent in that backfield and not having him as RB1 in week one could be a motivational ploy.

Tonya said...

"If you have no idea what I'm talking about--don't worry--the Bengals have the worst fight song in the history of football/music."


Agreed.

Anonymous said...

We should all take advice from a guy aspiring to be 7th best, because the learning curve for a PPR league is too steep. He doesn't need to get 20 TDs. Thats why I drafted AlfMo before him.

Ide

The Iceman said...

"He doesn't need to get 20 TDs"

But you do need him to be better than the 35th best RB in fantasy to justify where you drafted him.

Anonymous said...

Ok. You're saying he won't be. I will remember this statement.

Ide

GMoney said...

Why do you two always argue the dumbest possible shit ever? Is Montee Ball more relevant than the 2006 Michigan Wolverines? What about his earning potential compared to Todd Boeckman's field presence? Enquiring minds want to know!!!

The Iceman said...

"Ok. You're saying he won't be. I will remember this statement"

Please do. This reminds me of the Drew/Snortin' Orton express argument from a few years back that Drew lost by a landslide.

We'll argue about what we want. Don't bite the hand that is inflating your post comments, asshole!

Anonymous said...

Don't ask me. Fagnasty was the one who drafted him in the only league we share. How Im called out on my CHAMPIONSHIP defending G$FL team is beyond me.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Every time Iceman and Ide argue, Erin Andrews loses a pubic hair.