Monday, September 16, 2013

The Worst of Week Two Vol.VII

You make 8 figures per year, Aaron.  Fly first class.
If you know me at all, you know that I am the kind of stud that reads way too much into harmless things.  Let's analyze that new horrible State Farm commercial featuring Aaron Rodgers and The Super Fans.  First of all, way to be timely, State Farm.  Da Bears hasn't been a relevant comedic tool in 15 years.  I have numerous questions about this awful ad:
*Why is Aaron Rodgers flying coach?
*Why is Aaron Rodgers riding bitch in coach?
*Why is Aaron Rodgers just getting to his seat when the plane is already in the air?
*Where was he during takeoff?
*Is there a worse person than that fat idiot Cheesehead?
*Why is he hanging on the wing?
*Is this how all Packers fans fly?  It is, isn't it?
*Most importantly, I will be on a plane in a month so can I upgrade to "grill class"...whatever that means?

Horrible commercial.  Fuck State Farm.  Fuck that lardo Packers fan.  Fuck Aaron Rodgers.  Let's get on with week two's worst:

Mike Mayock - Thursday night football games are almost always unwatchable as this past one was, but I would appreciate it if the normally good Mayock would stop making excuses for Tom Brady.  He spent the entire game blaming everyone but the guy throwing the ball and it was annoying.  Face it, Brady was poor on Thursday.  Any moron knows that you shouldn't be throwing back shoulder passes to Aaron Dobson who is playing in his first game.  That was just dumb.  You're allowed to say that.

Brandon Meriweather - You know what, he's on my team and all that, but fuck this guy.  Quit trying to give opposing players kill shots.  That is such a cocksucker play and you deserved to get concussed yourself.  Stop leading with your stupid fucking head.  As far as the Skins go, Jesus titty-fucking Christ are they bad or what?  They look worse than the Jags.  It serves me right to actually have high expectations.  I should have known better than trust a franchise that has been shit for two decades.  The "defense" is on pace to be the worst of all time.  OVER SIX HUNDRED YARDS OF OFFENSE for the Packers!  The "offense" only shows up when down by 30 points.  My Guy Kai is hurt.  This is really, really bad.  I can only imagine what Fat Ass Stafford is going to do to this team next week.

Steven Jackson - Way to stick it to your old team, you goat.  No rushing yards and an injury!  Just like what he used to do in STL!  And THAT is the Jared Cook that I remember!

Whoever #20 is on Carolina - Good finish in Buffalo between two shitty teams and that winning touchdown to Stevie J was just amazing.  The guy covering him, #20, just stopped playing.  What was he doing?  The Redskins have me in a deep depression right now but that made me smile.  GO BILLZ!

Jay Catler - One of the ESPN wonks said it best that Cutty was equal parts incredible and awful yesterday.  Meow!

Andrew Luck - It sort of makes me sick that the Colts always need these comeback wins to beat garbage teams.  Now, the Dolphins appear to be pretty frisky this year (2 road wins!), but I still expected The Cookie Monster to do something insane to win anyway.  Fuck him.

The Houston Texans - Another miracle win over a bad team for the Texans but you must give them credit for making yesterday's game a White Out.  NO BLACKS ALLOWED.  They make the list today though for having Vanilla Ice perform his music at halftime.  Way to know what the people want, Texans!

T-Bone Romo - He probably should have had 9 interceptions yesterday.  I include him here because in my OTHER LEAGUE, he is my starting QB and in both weeks, my opponent's QBs have each thrown for over 400 yards and 4 touchdowns.  I deserve to get crushed weekly for riding T-Bone.

DAT CHIP KELLY DERPFENSE - Fuck this smirking, visored asshole.  Apparently, the genius isn't smart enough to figure out how to beat the fucking Chargers at home.  I'm glad that they got their turds pushed in by a rotten team because they deserve it.  Fuck you, Ape.  Nice advice.  When are you going to start giving out winners?  It's nice to know that the Eagles are just as bad as we remember them.  Now, they're just more fun to watch...lose.  If you haven't noticed, I am in such a piss poor mood.  Butt-hurt doesn't even begin to describe my mental state.

Joe Flacco's newborn baby! - Whatever.  The Browns are the least watchable team in the league and no one else is even close.  I have nothing to say about this game because RedZone never went to it. If you suck, at least be fun to watch.  The Browns aren't even remotely fun to watch.  FIRE CHUD!

Mikel Leshoure SR. - Apparently, this bad running back is going to ask for a trade out of Detroit.  That's what teams want: shitty players who aren't wanted by below average teams.  I have nothing much to say about the Cards/Lions game except that I think that Reggie Bush got hurt which is even sooner than we all anticipated.

Jag Fag Hags - Who the hell designed those helmets?  Those things are total butt.  And there's a good chance that Jacksonville will go 0-16.  Congrats on your first win, longtime reader Terrelle Pryor!!!

Eli Manning - Look who leads the league in interceptions after four more beauties yesterday!  We all know that these regular season Manning Bowls don't mean dick because regular season glory is nothing compared to Super Bowl titles.  Eli > Peyton 4 Life

Brandon Jacobs - Holy shit, did you see how fat this guy is!!!  Speaking of worthless running backs...

Mark Ingram - I don't know why the Saints keep throwing this turd out there and hoping that one day he gets it.  He isn't going to and he never will.  Just admit that you made a draft day error, cut his ass, give his carries to the superior Tiny Darren and Pierre, and move on.  Mark Ingram is the worst player in the league.

Josh Freeman - Hey look!  It's another guy who wants to be traded ASAP!  It's too bad that he is one of the worst starting QBs in the league.  Seriously, who is going to call the Bucs and offer them anything for Freeman?  It's OK, though, because Dut thinks he's good.  Actually, there you go, Josh Freeman to the Browns!!!

FANTASY!!! - It looks like I will be beating Dut in the LFL because he sucks.  It's up in the air vs. Damman in the MSFL (go Gio and AJ tonight!).  G$FL is up in the air, too.  I got killed for the second week in a row in my OTHER LEAGUE.  This is not the start that I wanted.

Well, that will do it.  It will make me feel a little bit better if the Bengals won by 50 tonight.  Either way, I will likely spend the rest of the Fall and early Winter in a terrible mood because my favorite teams are so bad.  That should lead to some good bloggin'.

41 comments:

Anonymous said...

Im over the Browns. I could seriously care less if they go 0-16. Hell, I hope they do. Damman touched on it yesterday, and it's true. I am completely numb to our fuckups.

We actually have a playoff caliber defense which as I type this makes me both shocked and enraged. I don't even want to start to think about our offense this early in the morning, lest physical harm needs to be in my immediate future. Its complete horseshit for us to constantly have these terrible QBs.

The part of me that feels empathy for anything is gone thanks to the Browns. I yelled at an aggressive bum yesterday. He was complaining to high hell that no one would give him 75 cents (as I pulled out a wad of 1s to buy some fruit snacks) and makes the comment "I wonder if you fucking assholes would ever think "wow it must suck to be homeless like him" then you'd give me 75 cents."

"I have it worse I like the Browns."

Ide

PS - Fagnasty and Lange are really bad at fantasy foorball.

GMoney said...

I'm starting to feel the same way about my team that enjoys falling behind by 30 points on a weekly basis. Last year was the worst thing that could have ever happened.

At least Breaking Bad was ELITE.

Anonymous said...

Pocahontas wins Miss America!

GMoney said...

I don't want to give Damman too big of an erection on this Monday Morning, but Peter King is pretty much demanding that Johnny Football be drafted by the Browns next year. THAT would make you watchable.

Anonymous said...

Disappointing Lions loss.

I saw a headline yesterday that said, "Leshoure Open To Trade"...well, that's good you fucking idiot because I don't think you have much of a choice if the Lions could actually find somebody willing to trade for you (doubtful).

At least we get to beat up on the Redskins this weekend.

--Drew

The Iceman said...

I bet it's statistically more difficult to be this bad on purpose at QB than to accidentally draft a good one. Somehow the Browns have pulled it off with insane success. What's tragic and sad about this is that I honestly believe that's a playoff team if they could just get a fucking quarterback. It's no surprise the defense folds every 4th quarter. I would too if I were on the field 75% of the game. Like Ide...I'm numb to it. I wasn't even angry yesterday. I actually laughed as the Browns blew it late. I'm no longer emotionally invested in the Cleveland Browns. If that organization doesn't care about winning, then why should I? I believe I've done my part by caring for the last 14 years all while the product gives me zero reason to do so.

The Iceman said...

Browns drafting mouthy Doug Flutie is such a Cleveland thing to do. Which is good because that means Juan Futbol's career will be short and excruciatingly painful.

Anonymous said...

Being a Browns fan is unlike any other. We are constant losers in a league where its supposed to be hard to constantly be bad. The parody is what makes the NFL so great... and the Browns can't ever take advantage. Rebuilding isnt supposed to take 15 years. How many fucking teams have gone from good, to bad, then rebuilt themselves back to good in the time the Browns have been terrible. Way too many. Its laughable at how embarrassing this franchise is.

Seal

Prime99 said...

It's "parity" in the league, but "parody" is more appropriate for the Browns situation since they are such a joke.

The Bears game was a frustrating watch. Their mistakes had Minnesota in a game they had no business being in. By the the 4th quarter, it looked the Bears were the team that should lose. Then they drive down and gut out a win. I'm happy about the win but it was not a well played game.

Ouch SF. Apparently Seattle's home field advantage is as incredible as ESPN says it is. Didn't expect a blowout like that.

Anonymous said...

Who cares... I couldn't see my keyboard over my boner for the Indians. I'm so excited to be disappointed by them losing 7 in a row soon to blow their playoff chances.

Seal

GMoney said...

You dumb bastards think that you are the worst because of your lousy QB drafting? I'll take your picks over what the Chiefs and Bears have done behind center historically. As we all know, KC hasn't won a game with a QB that they drafted since goddamn Todd Blackledge!

Drew, I expect the Lions to be up at least 42-0 in the second quarter. Megatron will make Pey Pey's week one performance look like a Weeden effort.

Prime99 said...

G$- did you really just sell out first rounder Sexy Rexy with your Bears QB statement?

I would let every complaint of the State Farm commercial go if they would mention that the reason they were flying was either going to or coming back from their third friend's funeral.

GMoney said...

My apologies to Rex Grossman.

Big LULZ to some of my fellow Skins fans that are calling for Cousins to start because RG3 is too rusty and out of rhythm. Because riding the bench is exactly how you shake off the rust and get chemistry going. We are the dumbest.

Fantasy Baseball Playoffs are down to a sexy Final Four.
Jeff vs. Damman
Dut vs. G$ AKA THE #1 OVERALL SEED

My team is shit so I expect to lose to this weasel but maybe they are motivated by me DOUBLING UP Dut in the LFL this weekend.

Anonymous said...

Going to go 3-0 again in fantasy this week. Statement games were had in LFL and MSFL, with a squeaker by Dut in G$FL. In related news, Dut is awful.

Shags getting fantasy advice from facebook is great. Him beating G$ by doing it is even better.

So I watched Dexter. I am likely going to skip the finale since I already read about it and it is fucking terrible. That show went from good to less than watchable. RIP Lem again!

Breaking Bad was awesome. Walter should've murdered his whole family.

There's always next week.

Ide

Mr. Ace said...

That Eagles game was terrible. I knew all along That our D was ass. But the chargers are even more ass. Can't believe we lost, let alone didn't cover. I hated the DC hire when it happened. Fuck that guy.

I money lined the fucking Titans. I also took them with the points in a separate very, so it wasn'ta total loss. But that OT Loss definitely killed my Sunday. Da Bills did help me out though.

I will be 2-0 in fantasy this week after dispatching of Seal and the life partners(Team RexSaul).

I joined that FanDuel thing. I dominated. I will continue to do this and so should u.

The Browns are my new favorite team. No matter how bad my Eagles are i can always laugh at them.... and now the Redskins too. Thanks guys.

GMoney said...

Dexter is truly the worst. While I am all for Deb dying, having the final Big Bad being "pussier Ryan Gosling" is just terrible. It doesn't matter what show he's on, Lem will always be a terrible cop.

Uh oh, Perd Hapley is TOTES going to get it on BE. Narcisse is going to lynch that bro.

I thought the best part of BB last night (all of it was great) was Walt telling Jesse that he watched Jane die and did nothing to stop it. That was some ice cold shit.

I will never stop laughing at people calling Junior "Flynn". Major LULZ. Marie is the worst. She had no right to tell Skyler to drop the bomb on Flynn.

For being a Nazi cop killer, Uncle Jack was mighty generous to give Walt a barrel. RIP Hank and Gomie.

Anonymous said...

Write SPOILER ALERT when talking about Breaking Bad, faggots. Im two episodes behind.

Seal

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I really wish the would have stuck with Marie longer. Strutting into the car wash like her shit didn't stink and terrorizing Skyler. When he said Hank wasn't coming back, I almost cheered. NOT SO SMUG AND PURPLE NOW ARE YOU!?!?!

Also, Flynn is the worst.

Didn't catch up on BE yet, but will do so tonight.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Oh, spoiler alert.

Jeff said...

Glad the Steelers avoided this list because of the game tonight. Hoping for the best, but preparing for the...

At least I hold the tiebreak in fantasy baseball this week, I think.

Need to have 3.6 pts or less tonight to get another dub in the LULFL. I like my chances.

Jeff said...

*need Redman to have 3.6 pts or less

GMoney said...

It's not my fault if you're behind on the show that everyone has been telling everyone else to watch for years. You can shove your spoiler alerts up your ass.

GMoney said...

At least I hold the tiebreak in fantasy baseball this week, I think.

How do you know this already? I think the tiebreaker is team ERA. Do you already know that your staff will best Dammans? That is some strong fore-sight.

Anonymous said...

I like how Slow Seal knows how to stop reading when he sees "SPOILER ALERT", but he doesn't know when to stop reading at "I thought the best part about BB last night was....". So slow...so fucking slow.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Then why do you do it on every other show you talk about on here?

Anonymous said...

Drew - youre not funny. Saying slow seal makes you sound like a dumb fuck. Not one person has ever said that your nickname makes sense or is remotely funny. Go back to not posting, please, and stop making yourself sound as terrible as you look.

Seal

Jeff said...

I thought I read somewhere that the tiebreak was win percentage vs. opponent in regular season. That's why I said "I think." Maybe I am wrong which would not be surprising.

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal...multiple people have said that Slow Seal is the best nickname for any commenter here. I'm sorry that you have blocked out those posts from your brain.

--Drew

P.S. -- You are Slow.

Mr. Ace said...

I believe what Seal is trying to say, Drew, is "U G L Y YOU AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI YOU UGLY. YOU UGLY. M A M A HOW U THINKU GOT THAT WAY YO MAMA. YA YO MAMA."

I can bring some boxing gloves to next year's ribfest.

Anonymous said...

SPOILER ALERT-

Seal is Slow.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Drew - do you enjoy acting like a 12 year old? Does it make you feel better to call me slow over and over again, rather than discuss sports topics since you get owned by everyone on this site when you do? How does it feel to constantly get owned on a blog by a guy you nicknamed slow?

Seal

Anonymous said...

Slow Seal...you're a Tribe fan. I've owned you like a slave all summer.

Thanks for playing.

--Fast Drew

Nate said...

I thought the boxing gloves were retired back when the West Clinton Posse disbanded?

Anonymous said...

Jeff, the tiebreaker is indeed head to head regular season. What a pleasure it was sending Ide home this week. He was buried by ELITE pitching and Hunter Pence going crazy (6 HR, 19 RBI). Jeff, you are next.

I also lost money on the Eagles. Fuck them.

I have nothing to say about the Browns.

Roll Tribe...WINdians...Brohio...I am pinning all my hopes on the Tribe! God help me.

-Damman

The Iceman said...

I've never said Slow Seal was a great nickname. So there's at least one.

Seal and Drew spats are so lovely. I enjoy them.

GMoney said...

multiple people have said that Slow Seal is the best nickname for any commenter here.

When the fuck did this happen? I don't recall that. It's not as good as calling Dut "Gaping Anus" which is the best nickname.

Good slap fight today though. I appreciate the hard work.

Jeff, well if that is the case then I own Dutford as well. See you in the Series, brih (that doesn't work; my apologies)

Brady said...

When watching the Buckeyes, I'm always drinking heavily while pacing and yelling at the TV. When the Browns are on, I'm horizontal on the couch, coverd in cheese dust while half asleep. Congrats, Browns! This is what decades of being shit has done to your fans.

Mr. Ace said...

I enjoy the nickname more today than ever before because I had no idea the weight it carried in Seals psyche. It's not as good as Droucher, though.

The gloves are retired. But I still have one pair so they could fight one handed.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Ape!

Droucher is a very good version of Drooser or whatever the other one is. Droucher should be used more.

Fun Fact...when I was in second grade or something I told one of my best friends that I'd like to be nicknamed Drooler. He still likes to laugh about that. Not as dumb as getting Dumars shaved into the side of your head...but, very dumb to try and nickname yourself Drooler.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

I honestly can't remember the last time that I drank for a Browns game. Maybe that time they beat the Steelers on Thursday night.

I've been doing Redzone this weekend, and I found myself not even caring that the Browns were up 6-0 at the half. There was just no way they were going to pull it out. I found that approach helped out my lack of caring when they ended up losing horribly.

Ide

GMoney said...

I'm always drinking heavily while pacing and yelling at the TV

That sounds about right. If they aren't doing what you keep telling them to do, JUST YELL LOUDER!!!

Drooler it is!

We've made it 40 comments without any lamenting on some of the ELITE pissed off Jimmy BRAH facial expressions last night. I found that when he had his glasses on, he looked even more homicidal.