Monday, September 09, 2013

The Worst of Week One Vol.VII

Eminem will NEVER jinx his beloved Lions.
Oh yeah! We’re back to 20+ straight Mondays of “Worst Of” posts! Football season is so great. It really makes bloggin’ so easy. Now if we can just get that Marc Trestman/molestation story to break (AND IT WILL), we’ll be all set until Christmas. You know how this works by now. Games were played yesterday and we spend today slamming the shittiest performances as well as bragging/lamenting about our fantasy teams. Do NOT discuss college football. Show Iceman a little respect that he has not earned. BUT FIRST! How about a story of me being the worst?

I spent Labor Day proper being an American and by that I mean that I watched 11 straight hours of Parks & Rec on the premiere day of FXX. Around hour ten, my DVR box froze up. After numerous attempts to re-boot, it was not happening. I had an awful 90 minute online chat with some Indian whose name was 35 letters long and it ended with them shipping me a new HD DVR that arrived on Wednesday. For my troubles, they doubled my channels and dropped my monthly price (which will probably end up being a lie but whatever since I finally get MLB Network and now I know that Mitch Williams is the dumbest man in the galaxy). I hook it up myself since Jugdish told me that it was easy but it isn’t working as I’m getting an error message. I get another chat going with Apu and he runs some tests only to tell me that there is something wrong with my lines and a technician would have to come out. The soonest that that would take place was going to be Saturday. I decide to use the awesome power of the typed word to tell this inferior that this was unacceptable and that I demand to speak with his supervisor (I assume it is Life of Pi which was a GREAT movie by the way). At this point, I decided to say “fuck this shit” and called AT&T to speak with a white guy. He is running me through some things to test and ask that I check the back of the unit to make sure that things are plugged in all the way. It is then that I realize that the co-ax cable was in the wrong slot. We both shared a good laugh at my expense, I switched the cables, and the thing fired up immediately. TV WAS BACK. Being a human being, I felt it appropriate to make amends with Sanjay so I apologized to him as the chat was still up on my laptop. He understood and probably shared a good chuckle with Vishnu about it later while they compared body odor. So let this be a lesson to all of you: I know absolutely nothing about basic remedial technology (if you even consider co-ax cables to be that which you should not) and after 32+ years, I finally apologized to a minority. Hey, there’s a first time for everything. The important thing here is that my HD TV is up and running again. On to the football!

The Denver Saltines - We all saw how Eric Decker is awful but I want direct some venom at Wes Welker.  Yeah, he scored twice and I get that but he had two terrible drops and muffed a punt inside the five.  I guess what I'm pointing out here is that Welker is losing his touch a bit after leading the NFL in drops last season.

Stevan Ridley - Hey asshole, don't fumble the ball when you nobody touches you.  Man, that is a killer when one of your studs gets benched due to one shitty play.  Also, LOL Bills for choking away at that game.  Anyone else want to challenge me that the Pats aren't that good?

Marvin Lewis - Yep, this is why the haters think that he sucks as a coach.  You can't blow all three of your timeouts in the third quarter on the road against a good team.  The entire AFC North lost this week and the Bengals were the only team to not get buttfucked.  I still think that they are good because AJ Green is unstoppable.

Brandon Weeden - My mom drove up yesterday so we could take our dogs to the local water park because it was Dog Day before they closed for the year (always an enjoyable time).  We got back into the car at 2 pm and Mr. Talent had already launched his third pick.  Same old Browns.  Apparently, preseason performance doesn't mean shit.  Who'd a thunk it!

Mike Wallace - Fuck this guy so hard.  You win a game and then you act all ass-y after the game because you only had one catch?  Maybe you should learn another route other than "straight", jerk.

Megatron - Yo, bro, one of these days you are going to need to read the rulebook and understand what it takes to score a touchdown.  Tron had two rescinded by inches and I want to believe that it was karma for doing those weird ads that make zero sense with P Diddy.  Also from this game was another dirty hit by Suh (that was called correctly) that wiped away a pick six.  That guy is such a Sambo!

Pryor Haters! - TP looked damn good!  ADMIT IT!  The Raiders weren't nearly as shitty as we initially thought because TP can run around and avoid a hundred sacks per game.  Go Pryor!

Matty Ice - This loser just can't punch it in when he gets inside the ten, can he?  The Saints were statistically the worst defense in NFL history last season and the Falcons hung a mean 17 points on them.  The Falcons are going to struggle this year.

Greg Schiano - We all hate the Jets but it was pretty amazing to watch the Jets outplay the Bucs through the final whistle.  If I knew the name of the cat who chucked Geno out of bounds on that final drive, he would be a shoe-in for LVP of the Week.  But I don't care.  Josh Freeman is shit.

Darius Reynaud - Sunday got off to a great start with an opening kickoff safety which never happens but did this week because this guy is an idiot.  Who would've guessed that Reynaud would have outscored the rest of the Steelers for 58 minutes!

Todd Haley - Your offense sucks, BRAH.  Grump may not like to admit it but Pittsburgh is in a world of hurt.  Just as I thought they would be.  But there is one positive from this absolutely rotten performance...you're playing for Jadeveon!!!

Bad teams OBVZ - No one cares about the Jaguars and Panthers.  Except for Jay Catler, of course, because those are his cousins.

Cortland Finnegan - That Rams/Cards game was shockingly awesome.  If you have watched the NFL at all, you know that Finnegan is an asshole and everything bad that happens to him is deserved and more.  He was abused all day by LarryFitz.  I enjoyed it greatly.  Big props to blackest man in the NFL, Jared Cook, for having a monster game.

Clay Matthews - He must be on another steroid cycle because he was being a giant douche out there yesterday.  His late hit on CK was garbage and he threw a punch at a MAC titan.  Weak!  That was a damn fine game as well and it only led to a deeper love for Jimmy BRAH as going for it on 4th and 2 was absolutely the right call to make.  Coaches with balls are way better than coaches with pussies.

FANTASY - Well, Jeff's love of Pey Pey has me under .500 in the DFL/LFL for the first time in a few years.  Fucking fluke.  I'm kicking K-Dog's ass in the G$FL and Ape in the blog league.  My other league is still up in the air.  Not the best start but not the worst.

And now we are left with Monday Night where Chippy starts his NFL coaching career against the future Super Bowl champions.  Did you know that RG3 is back?  SPOILER ALERT!  The other game sucks and has Chris Berman doing PBP.  Wonderful.  Stay tuned for tomorrow's post where Iceman tells us all about a certain game he went to on Saturday night.

34 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hot takes!

3 INTs against the Dolphins is fucking terrible. Ive hated this piece of shit the minute we drafted him. Our defense played as well as they possibly could have and its a travesty that the offense couldn't offer fuckall in the way of support. The season IS over if Weeden is our qb.

Having said that, LOLZ Steelers.

Fantasy got off to an expected start by seemingly running the table. I guess Damman has a chance if Foster can outscore the faggot. Here's to hoping!

Fantasy baseball playoffs and I went from 7th to 3rd! Coming for you again Damman.

Ide

Nate said...

Need a huge scoring effort by the Texans tonight. Down by 33 to Ice with only Andre Johnson and Houston's kicker left to play.

Grumpy said...

I tried to tell you about Mike Wallace.

Todd Haley must go.

Ide revels in career ending injuries. I hope he falls in a manhole.

Anonymous said...

Grumpy should be on the list for talking about all the "weapons" the steelers have! LOLZ

Seal

Anonymous said...

Grumpy, its called schadenfreude. It is a very well known term and concept which means pleasure in the tragedy of others. And it applies to every aspect of Steelers downfall as it cockslaps that smugness off of your terrible fanbase.

So I watched Redzone yesterday for the first time. It was ok, but Octobox is much better.

Ide

GMoney said...

Quadbox > Octobox

Lange, you want to know why I was down on David Wilson? That's why.

Anyone talking smack about G$FL team (Ide, Drew) take notice that I will be dumping triple digits on K-Dog this week. I can taste those ribs already, bitch.

How do you get 6 turnovers and win by 5 points? Dallas and the Giants blow. LOL Dez. LOL Romo. LOL Eli being blind.

Grumpy said...

So another example of that concept would be if Ide, in a drunken stupor, wandered into Harlem and was repeatedly sodomized with a broom handle by a gang of black dykes?

Anonymous said...

Correct. However, I would never wander into Harlem, and it would more likely I'd be robbed and stabbed by a gang of sweetbacks than sodomized by dykes.

Ide

GMoney said...

I want to say again how good TP looked yesterday. He was borderline TRANSCENDENT. I would even have the gall to say that he is significantly better than B-Weeds (just made that up; it will not stick).

Prime99 said...

As a new Directv customer, I have The Ticket fo' free. I watched Bears/Bengals and flipped to Red Zone on commercials. It was awesome.

Why I benched Boldin in the MSFL? I have no idea, but the rest of my guys picked up the slack. 133.5 with Arian and Houston D tonight is not a bad first week. Redoing those power rankings soon, Ape?

The Bucs' player with the penalty has the last name of David. I will assume his first name is Larry?

GMoney said...

Lavonte is African for Larry so I will allow it. I hope that Schiano spray-painted BALD ASSHOLE on that guy's helmet.

Weird fantasy week. I slaughtered 2 teams in leagues that I'm normally not very good in. I got destroyed in two leagues that I normally dominate. ELITE?

Anonymous said...

I'd be careful, dominate is a word reserved for how Iceman treats his fantasy leagues. Let's not go sucking each others dicks thinking you're that ELITE.

DirecTV is the GOAT regarding the NFL, it is known. Octobox/quadbox hybrid is just a plus, AND uploading your fantasy team to get updates straight to your tv is tits. This is important to note since G$ has a hard time with plug insertions.

So, we can agree that Gomie bites it next week, yes? I don't think Hank dies since the previews are all about Hank being dead, but someone has to go down in the worst shootout in history.

One thing is for certain, Richard Harrow would've done the job right in 3 shots.

Ide

Anonymous said...

King Kong Suh facing a week 1 penalty from the league office... Shocker. Someone put this fuck in a cage.

Weeden just threw another pick.

Seal

Prime99 said...

In my biggest money league, I have Arian, Houston D and AlfMo vs Vick and D-Jax and it is a virtual tie right now.

The Iceman said...

I need this win against Nate to salvage a somewhat disappointing start to the year. That will happen when Manning opens you up in 3 leagues. If I can pull this out, this would be my first opening day win in this league, Nate! Just know that going in to the game. GOOD LUCK!

ELOL Manning's tantrum after that pick six was something to marvel at. Very Eli thing to do. He SUX and is NOT better than AIDS neck Peyton.

MJD was pretty hilarious in his season opener. Put up very Jonathan Stewart type numbers. That sack of shit better start fucking bringing it in a contract year, dammit!

GMoney said...

Who blames MoJo for having a guy named Blaine as a QB?

I think that Hank, Gomie, and Jesse all eat it next week. You don't fuck with Jack and the Nazis even though that shootout was A-Team levels of horrible marksmanship.

Boardwalk was great last night because Margaret was nowhere to be found. She must be teaching stupid braods about douching off camera. What kind of idiot wants a sambo to bang his wife though? He deserved to die.

Dexter still sucks. Come on, Lem, figure this shit out and it already. Harrison Morgan is awful at treadmills.

GMoney said...

DirecTV RedZone is inferior to everyone else's RedZone because Dumbo Sicilliano is a joke compared to the greateness of Scott Hanson.

Anonymous said...

My G$FL matchup is kind of close, but it appears that I should win. One step closer to G$ being on twitter!

The first half of the Lions game was amazingly everything that you would expect from a Lions/Schwartz team. Dumb plays, miscues and penalties all half. Then they played a great second half and blew Minnesota out. Reggie Bush was unreal and so was the Lions DLine.

Love Suh...suck it Slow Seal!

--Drew

Jeff said...

Beating Uncle Assbeat in the LFL is a fine consolation prize for the shittyness of the Steelers this year.

We can both enjoy our first round byes in fantasy baseball though.

GMoney said...

I will enjoy the ONE SEED. I'm going to miss Ellsbury though. My team isn't even any good. You should all be ashamed for letting an offense anchored by Billy Butler's BBQ sauce be the regular season champion. LOL at GSaul and Coleman for those ELITE last week chokes though.

Best moment of forever = Walt Jrs reaction to meeting Saul Goodman. He was SO PUMPED!

I ain't joining Twitter. You are not man enough to beat me at anything but a beat off contest (to be held at next year's RibFest).

Anonymous said...

While watching the Seal/Grumpy sex tape I am assuming?

-Larry

GMoney said...

Naturally. We're about to kick things up a notch.

Anonymous said...

Damman - I will be in Cbus tailgating for the OSU game next Saturday the 21st. I EXPECT to see your drunk ass stumbling around somewhere.

Seal

Brady said...

I can't believe I let myself get excited AGAIN this year. Weeden is a fucking joke. To say he is immobile in the pocket would be the biggest understatement of all time. Not to mention that he stares down every receiver, continues to get balls batted down at 6'4" and fires 5 yard passes at mach 5 which get tipped up in the air for INT's.

It's a fucking shame too since our defense was pretty nasty all day until they were worn out in the 4th. Usually I would try and be encouraged by their performance and the fact that every other team in the division lost but I just can't do it. I'm changing my 8-8 prediction to another 5-11 year. If you can't beat the Dolphins at home in front of an excited crowd, you don't deserve any more than 5 wins.

Things are just never going to change. At least we get to play Pittsburgh twice this season. That' 2 guaranteed wins. God, they were awful and I loved every minute of it. It's really the only thing that saved my Sunday. That performance should keep that toothless fanbase holed up in their doublewides for at least another week.

Anonymous said...

My team is getting hot at the right time. Damman is going to feel some heat this week. Grilli coming back seemed to be the lightning rod my team needed. But seeing GSaul flame out was uncharacteristic yet impressive. Kudos to that.

Me beating Coleman wasnt impressive. He is shit with an autodraft team. We were in one football league where he cheated and STILL placed out of the money.

Ide

Walter Sobchak said...

Larry,

Is this your homework? Is this your homework, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry? Larry? Have you ever been to Vietnam? You're entering a world of pain, son. You might want to watch out that front window, Larry. Because THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS!!

GMoney said...

Walter, I prefer the edited for TV version of "this is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps".

When your team gives up a touchdown to Daniel Thomas, put them down for 5-11.

Just a reminder, the Jets currently have the best record in the NFL.

Where is Ape? I want to know his prediction for how bad his Eagles lose tonight? My guess is two scores because it is always a good thing to keep your horrendous defense on the field for as long as possible.

The Iceman said...

I picked the Eagles tonight because fuck the Redskins...sorry. PIGskins.

GMoney said...

Are you in a reverse-survivor league where you have to pick a guaranteed loser every week? You're probably saving the Browns, right?

Anonymous said...

Ide, I have Gates tonight, not Foster. So I need an RGIII knee explosion for sure.

I was able to get into the baseball playoffs due to your final week performance, Ide, and GSaul's epic choke. Playing with house money now. To use the Tribe's great marketing campaign from last year..."What if?"

Seal, I'll be there buddy. Anytime Florida A@M comes to town, it's a party.

I have nothing to say about the Browns.

-Damman

Anonymous said...

Damman, the good news is Ape fell in after G$s better choke job last year and won it. Playing me in the first game no less. So yeah, Im going to lose, but be damned if Im humble about it.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Jimmy BRAH's press conference today was hilarious. He mentioned that Clay Matthews threw a slap at Joe Staley and that Clay's tough guy image should be questioned. "If you're going go to the face, you better bring some knuckles." LOL!

Mr. Ace said...

Loooooong day at the office.

I moneylined Titans, Dolphins and Bengals Sunday. Fuck Marv Lewis.

I am going 0-2 to start fantasy off proper. Terrible.

Man....I can't really give any solid rationale for this, but I think the Eagles are going to win. I think the hype on the 'skins is a little too much, RG3 isn't 100%, and the Chip Kelly O is going to be a buzzsaw. Again, I think the Eagles are going to surprise a lot of people early in the year. I am expecting a shoot out, 41-35 Eagles.

GMoney said...

What hype? I'm the only genius that has us going to the playoffs again.

Dr. James says that Robert IS 100%.

We ain't Nicholls State, Chipford, you go home now.