Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Shame On You, America

I AM A CELEBRITY IN DETROIT!!!
We’re going to take a break from the usual football chatter today to discuss an issue that is near and dear to my black heart. I don’t normally like to defend those that I loathe, but I am an American hero first and thus stand for civil liberties and the tenets of the US Constitution. Rock, flag, and eagle BROS! I know one thing is certain and that is that we are currently seeing a gross injustice inflicted on America in downtown rubble-filled Detroit, Michigan.

If you have watched one inning of a Detroit Tigers home game over the past decade plus then you know who I am talking about. There is one man who stands out among all. One man who is more of a staple and embodiment of Tigers Baseball than Justin Verlander’s never-ending white trashiness. That man is the only person in the state who can drown out the horrible voice of Rod Allen. I am talking about Charley Marcuse AKA The Singing Hot Dog Guy. And he is being screwed by a bunch of limp dick ‘suptards.

Marcuse was fired by Delaware North Sports Services on September 6th after 15 years of service. They hid behind the excuse of “general employee conduct” whatever that means. But we all know why this fine American is out of a job, don’t we? Of course we do. The man had a platform and a moral code and would not compromise his integrity for Little Susie Swallowthroat sitting in section 118.

The Singing Hot Dog Vendor is staunchly anti-ketchup. He won’t give it out. Hell, he doesn’t even carry it. Marcuse openly mocks and ridicules people who ask for it. He correctly believes that any sub-human that asks for it should be ejected from the park. He is pro-mustard—the way that our forefathers ate their hot dogs. Trashball people complained about it (apparently…as he had been doing this for a long time) and the Vending Company fired him over it. Yes, the most famous vendor in all of baseball was fired because of ketchup.

Now, obviously, I am 100% devoted to this man’s cause because ketchup is an abomination and an affront to God. He deserves a silver star for this act of patriotism; not a trip to the sprawling Detroit unemployment line. If people who put catsup on their dogs are the biggest pussies in the world (and they are), then why are we letting them win? Why are vaginas defeating America? Where is the fucking team at to step in and big time this shithead company? How hard would it be to say “Uh, no, Marcuse ain’t going anywhere because our teeth-optional fans love him”? The Tigers are the ketchup-iest team in all the land. They may be going to the postseason again, but they don’t deserve any happiness for letting Charley be pushed around by The Ketchup Party (400 times worse than The Tea Party, Grump).

So I just wanted to take a little time to congratulate Charley Marcuse on defending this great nation from terrorist threats. I don’t agree with you when it comes to the team that you support, but I will always be on your REAL team AKA Team Mustard. Do you ketchup eaters see what you’re doing to this country? You’re costing great men their jobs and weakening our line of defense just because you don’t comprehend how to properly eat. You assholes make me sick. So please remember this sad story the next time that you slather an American classic in your extraneous tomato shit: you are funding and supporting terrorism.

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

The only things I eat ketchup with are french fries (you people that put vinegar on your fries are gross and weird) and meatloaf. That being said, the guy should sling some ketchup if that's what it takes for him to keep his job. I do admire him for sticking up for a cause tho.

--Drew

MuDawgfan said...

One of the best things about Cleveland is their absolutely delicious brand of Stadium Mustard.

Great on a brat or a turkey sandwich.

Anonymous said...

Ketchup is gross. However, the popular thing in NYC is mayo with fries. Fuck. That. You nasty fucking people.

I imagine that new hot dog job will get no fewer than 50000 applicants. LOLZ impoverished Detroit!

Ide

GMoney said...

I'm not one to compliment Tigers "employees" but this man is a true hero. Fuck ketchup.

Look at the pro-Ketchup people: Cakes, Dut, Damman...do you want to be a part of this group? I rest on your face.

Mr. Ace said...

I believe ketchup had its place. You like hot dogs are some sort of hollowed food that can't have is purity tainted. Its fucking pig balls and dong and tongue and rectum. It's stick bologna. Put whatever you want on that shit. Now bratwurst is a completely different matter. Mustard and only mustard go on brats. I do still respect Marcuse for ridiculing ppl just for asking for ketchup.

Malt vinegar on fries is a must. If it is available and u don't use it then you probably havea smelly vagina.

Also, Dijon and Spicy Brown mustard>>> yellow mustard.

Jeff said...

You're right, this is 'merica and if you buy a hot dog you can put whatever the fuck you want on it. No reason you should have to listen to some Detroit carnie tell you what you can and can't put on your dog.

Nate said...

Of course the guy is going to oppose ketchup.

Wouldn't you if you owned your own mustard business?

www.charleysfoods.com



GMoney said...

If you're eating something out of a hot dog bun, ketchup stays in the fridge. Period.

Grumpy said...

Ide, that is exactly the attitude I would expect from your sad excuse for a brain. Dipping fries in mayo is cosmopolitan and hip, not to mention delicious.

Nate exposes the real truth. Investigative journalism at its finest.

Hot dogs are made from what's left after they sweep the floor in the slaughterhouse.

Anonymous said...

Today will spiral into another condiment showdown. Team Mayo is already starting off strong with Grump. By strong, I mean awfully.

"Mustard and only mustard go on brats."

Me and the people at Big Sauerkraut say that you're wrong and should be ashamed of yourself. Douching on sauerkraut is akin to raping a baby. IS THAT THE TYPE OF PERSON YOU WANT TO BE?!

Future apology accepted.

Ide

Prime99 said...

Nothing about mayo is cosmopolitan or hip.

I am Team Mustard on thus argument.

I still remember a 14 year old kid calling Love Line to ask when it is ok to have sex. Adam Carolla asked, "What do you put on your hotdog?" The kid said, "Ketchup." Adam replied, "Then you're not ready." He then lined out his theory on mustard and sexual preparedness. Fantastic stuff.

Anonymous said...

Why does anyone care what people put on hotdogs? Hotdogs are one of the lowest quality meats you can buy. I rarely eat them because I have way more class than all of you. When I do, I'll put whatever I want on it.

Why would anyone take food advice from g$? He eats his steaks well done and is too big of a pussy to eat eggs.

Dut

Anonymous said...

Also, coney sauce has ketchup in it so you're all hypocrites/queers.

Dut

Mr. Ace said...

Dut DROPPING FACT BOMBS.

Sauerkraut is for Nazis.

Anonymous said...

Good point. Sauerkraut really is the best.

G$ eats his steaks well done....HAHAHHAHA

Ide

Anonymous said...

So, today we learn that Ape is Team Vinegar on Fries and his taste palate is not refined enough to enjoy things like sauerkraut balls. Ape is always the worst on food days.

Steaks well done? G$ is this true?

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Only hipsters dip their fries in mayo.

Dut, it matters because you and your kind are terrorists.

--$

Anonymous said...

Please tell me the well done steak line was a joke, G$?

If not, you are the worst... Ever.

Seal

Jeff said...

Dut just stuck his hotdog in G$'s pudding hole.

Anonymous said...

Used to be. Not anymore. Sorry bros but even Superman has one flaw.

--$

Mr. Ace said...

Whoa. I love sauerkraut balls. But sauerkraut adds nothing to a brat. NOTHING. And Team No Vinegar=Team Cockinbutt

Prime99 said...

G$- do you also ask someone in the back to cut your steak into small pieces? Just like LeBron?

The Iceman said...

Sauerkraut is equal to tossing a strippers salad after she works a double. Fucking gross. The only way I would eat sauerkraut is if you can successfully mask it in another food. Like deep fried bread.

I really don't understand why everyone is getting so bunged up about ketchup on a hot dog. Hot dogs are the lowest meat on the planet. Even lower than Spam. Ketchup probably improves the flavor.

Brady said...

Ain't nothing wrong with putting ketchup on your hot dog. Get off that soapbox, G$! This guy deserves to be fired for trying to be some kind of weird baseball hipster. I imagine he only watches grainy footage of baseball in the dead ball era when he gets home as well. Fuck this guy and fuck Detroit.

Brady said...

TOTES agree with the brat angle though. Anyone who puts ketchup on brats is clearly a commie bastard.

Anonymous said...

Ketchup on hot dogs is dynamite.

I feel like this is like the 5th day that has been devoted to ketchup on hot dogs. We don't mess around here. Stan loves ketchup in hot dogs I'm sure. A guy that awesome has to.

-Damman

GMoney said...

LOL at you assfucks who think that hot dogs are still made out of pig sweepings and raccoon brain. Maybe in Grump's day, but not any more. I pretty much only eat dogs at a baseball game because I'm an American. Clearly, the rest of you are not.

Brats/sausage with catsup on them are a travesty. It is why I will divorce She$ one day.

Nate said...

Very disappointed to hear G$ likes his steak well done.

Would not be surprised if his version of steak has a Salisbury, Round, or Cube in front of it.

Anonymous said...

G$'s street cred on food days definitely took a massive hit with the well done steak revelation.

Grumpy thinking there is anything "cosmopolitan" or "hip" about dipping things into glops of mayo also will not be forgotten.

--Drew

Brady said...

I'm on TEAM G$ with steaks. I wouldn't say I like them well done but just a little pink in the middle is the way to go. I don't understand the fascination with raw steaks bleeding all over your plate.

The foodies who get all hot and bothered when you put some A1 on your steak can eat a dick as well. A1 is delicious.

The Iceman said...

Anyone who gets steak cooked anything more than medium rare is a hillbilly dipshit. Might as well just order a cheeseburger.

Anonymous said...

Iceman's best contribution to date

Mr. Ace said...

Whoa. I love sauerkraut balls. But sauerkraut adds nothing to a brat. NOTHING. And Team No Vinegar=Team Cockinbutt

Anonymous said...

Ape....I heard you the first time.

--Drew

GMoney said...

I don't mind the pink (OBZ no homo) but I am anti the red. Sorry to all of you cavemen but I think that my body of work of a body proves that I am a better eater than the rest of you.

I eat my chicken rare because I am a man. You pussies probably order it well done.

Anonymous said...

Anything above medium rare is a crime. Hell, I'll even do carpaccio and that shits raw. I bet G$ asks for A1 or 57. You lose all privilege to quote Ron Swanson.

Grump probably still eats his pork well done ever since that trichenosis scare back in the 70s (with mayo).

Cakes saw potential in following G$ down the pit of food shame. Such a Cakes move jumping on that sad bandwagon.

Ide

GMoney said...

I don't put any sauce on my meat. My manhood is not in question here today. I am all that is man.

Mr. Ace said...

Whoa. I love sauerkraut balls. But sauerkraut adds nothing to a brat. NOTHING. And Team No Vinegar=Team Cockinbutt