Friday, September 27, 2013

No More F'n Around; Let's Make Some Money

Well why the fuck not, COMRADE?
It is no secret that last week was one of the worst slate of games that a week of college football has ever produced. When UJerryConn (never forget) is playing in the ABC prime-time slot, you know that it’s bad. Now, we’ve argued about NCAA vs. NFL many times before and we won’t do it again because nobody is going to change anyone’s mind, but last week did a lot of damage to the position of those who prefer the college game. I really dislike that the schools get to pick their non-con opponents. It really is stupid. Unless you go undefeated, your STREMPH of schedule means little. And if you go undefeated playing the Little Sisters of The Gordon Gee, then no one cares about your season. There is almost zero benefit to schedule tough for 90% of the FBS schools. And that is why you see everyone loading up on the Presbyterians and Savannah States of the world. The Capital One Bowl doesn’t give a shit how Georgia got to ten wins because they want them anyway.

The fans are the ones being punished. Ohio Buckeye fans had to pay regular prices to watch the back-ups to the back-ups obliterate Rosa Parks University on Saturday. And that blows. No one wants to see that garbage. Uh oh, here comes the whining about how those big meanies from Vandy dropped us a few years ago and we couldn’t find anyone else. Save it. You’re full of shit. I’m not even blaming you anyway. Why do you always have to get so defensive? This has happened everywhere over the first month of the season. That’s why I would like to see all of the conference commissioners getting together and hammering out the schedules for their league members. No more 8 game home schedules. No more FCS garbage games for ANYONE. If you can’t get bowl eligible without FCS freebies then that’s your fault. Let’s get Alabama to leave the deep South for once. STOP LETTING THE SCHOOLS SET THEIR OWN SCHEDULES.

I still suck at picking spreads this year so the only way to rectify that is to throw more money at the problem, right? For the record, I took some heat for missing my Glory Hole last week and it is TOTES not my fault. Blame Tommy Tuberville and his pussified play calling. They should have won that game by 50. Ape is going to get to us later and I agree with him…KEEP THE FAITH like Bon Jovi. There are rumors floating around the backrooms and dive bars in Oxford, that Don’t Treadwell was told after the game Saturday that he will be fired. Lame duck horrible coach = money in the bank!

South Carolina -6.5 @ Central Florida – UCF burned me two weeks ago by walking out of Penn State’s RapeDome with a victory. I don’t care. A top ten SEC team with the possible #1 pick in the Draft going to a C-USA school and I don’t even have to give a touchdown? Sign me the fuck up.
Oklahoma -3.5 vs. Notre Dame – People aren’t talking about how the Sooners are actually pretty good this year. I credit Jim Ross. They didn’t forget about what the Irish did in their stadium last year. They get revenge tomorrow.
Arizona State -5.5 vs. USC – Lane Kiffin on the road? LOL!
Purdue +3.5 vs. Northern Illinois – I fully expect the Huskies to win but they always seem to beat the Big Ten schools on a last second field goal so I’ll take those points. Purdue is just biding their time until they beat Ohio anyway.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week (now 1-2…BOOOOO!): Ball State -2.5 vs. Toledo – It’s seeming more and more likely that Matt Campbell was not a very good hire to replace Tim Beckman in the (gl)Ass City. Ball State is legit. I think I heard that UT’s QB got hurt last week. That might not be true. Whatever, I’m rolling with the school that shares the same city as Jerry Grgich’s timeshare.

Arizona +1 @ Tampa Bay – Mike Glennon is giving points? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Remember the Don Draper flashbacks where he is all gomer-y and working in the whorehouse. Glennon looks like flashback kid Draper. Not a compliment. The Honey Badger scores this week.
Chicago +2.5 @ Detroit – The Bears are good. The Lions are still a question mark to me. I’ll take them points since the Bears are the team that should be favored.
Houston +2.5 vs. Seattle – My upset special of the week (so you know that it won’t happen now!). Texans over Cockbags. Mr. Ace, give us your Hammers of the Week (Now at a robust 3-5! Nothing but the finest advice and analysis here, BRAHS!):

Yeah...last week didn't go well #Can'tGetRight. Bad beat with ULL and Brain Hoyer happened. But Leggo!
NCAA: I am going back to the safest bet in the book, bet against Miami(OH). Illinois is favored by 24.5. Cincy beat Miami(OH) by 14. Illinois beat Cincy 45-17. Illinois is coming off a bye. Miami is DEAD. Take Illinois -24.5. (ed. – Agreed…don’t doubt how bad we are; we are worse than you could possibly imagine)
NFL: Philadelphia vs. Denver OVER 57.5. I can't bring myself to bet against Philly, but I will definitely bet against their defense. Don't let that performance against the Chiefs fool you, Peyton Manning is going to TORCH the Eagles. Both of these teams play fast, so each team is going to get some extra possessions. I don't know if the altitude will make a difference, but I can see these defenses, especially the Eagles, getting worn down if the Eagles can manage to keep it close. Broncos are putting up at least 41. The Eagles can get to 20.
Moneyline: In the NFL I like the Chargers +120 to beat the Cowboys. Always love a home dog in the NFL.
In NCAA I like Tulane +390 against UL Monroe. Big odds here as Tulane is a 14 point dog. Tulane beat a better La Tech team on the road two weeks ago. And against Cuse they had two punts blocked, two field goals blocked, and muffed a punt return. Tulane isn't going to make those mistakes again. I like LSU +130 as well.
I NEED MONEY!!!

That will do it for this week. Stay tuned for Monday’s post when we celebrate the Indians failing, a Badgers victory, and my 33rd birfday. Weeeeeeee!!!

32 comments:

GMoney said...

Big controversy afoot in the LFL. I don't have time to get into it now but the former Cummish (Dut) and the new Cummish (Lange) absolutely shit all over the league rules yesterday. They will be dealt with by big old bad ass karma.

Anonymous said...

Man. That was some good time collusion. Its great since I play nothing involved but wow, SHADE ABOUND.

Ape getting fucked made me LOLZ though. 8:13 is too late!

Ide

Jeff said...

Ape got fucked in the ass hard! He probably has to wear a diaper today.

You're either 15 mins early or you're late, I guess.

Anonymous said...

I'd probably take da Bears too. Too many question marks for the Lions still indeed. Reggie "How's Your" Bush is back tho...so, that's good. Hopefully, Fairley plays but I think he's out.

I'm surprised that neither picked the Buckeyes. I just don't think the Badgers have the firepower to stay within 7.

--Drew

GMoney said...

No guff. It takes him 3 minutes to review and approve his own trade but can't be bothered when Ape and Damman complete a deal 17 minutes before kickoff? THEN he has the GALL to act like the legendary Rules Committee does not matter? This guy, I tell ya, he's going to end up keeping all the league dues this year.

GMoney said...

It feels like a stay-away game to me, Drooler. Those games have been all damn close over the past few meetings. Bert would have lost by more than a touchdown. I don't have a feel for this Anderson fella.

I'm also with Ape...LSU over UGA. Someone in the Preview Week picked Ole Miss to beat Bama this weekend. I like that one. The line is something like 14.5. Might be worth it to put a little change on the moneyline there.

Floyd Mayweather put 300K on A&M to cover 14.5 on Bert Bielema. ELITE Gamblor!

Mr. Ace said...

That was a huge crock of shit. Fair is fair yo, and our commish's are definitely getting advantages that the rest of the league aren't getting, as clearly evidenced by what happened with mine and Dammans trade last night. Ridiculous.

That shit would never go down in the MSFL. Believe that.

Anonymous said...

I have to believe lil strut was in on this. This is the type of scandal that goes to the white house. Ape getting fucked never gets old. But, Thursday trades are dubious when pkayers playing are involved.

Having said that, Boldins score should be the difference in you losing.

Ide

Jeff said...

G$, was there crying in baseball for you last night?

GMoney said...

Funny thing: I actually forgot about the significance of the game. I saw the score on my phone and mentally tuned out in favor of Ron Swanson's voyage to Lagavulin-ville.

It was cool though. No tears for me.

Brady said...

I actually like these picks this weekend. Might as well throw down some hard earned cash on a few of these. If they lose, I know the general vacinity of where you live, G$.

It would be nice if the Yankees would stop sucking Riveras dick for one second and concentrate on scoring some runs. Fucking worthless.

Andy's English doppelganger should provide some major LULZ this season. So glad the show is back.

GMoney said...

Typical losers...demanding help when they should be worried about themselves.

Cakes, I'm due for a big weekend. God, I hope so.

Seal's Stink Stars are going to get pulverized this weekend. Put me down for 4-0.

Anonymous said...

Come at me (us) bro. I will take Ape behind the woodshed and fuck him harder than Lange did last night with his trading business.

Ide

GMoney said...

The O/U on the Cal/Oregon is 84! I don't think that I've ever seen a total that high. No way. Give me the under.

Jeff said...

Ohio State v Cal actual game total was 86. I think Oregon can top that.

Brady said...

My mind wants to take the under but there is a good chance that CAL/Oregon game will have 150+ plays. I might stay away from that one. Those are two high-powered offensive teams.

I definitely already put money on the USC/UCF game and Oklahoma/ND. The Irish fucking suck.

Mr. Ace said...

The new commish is trying to make things right... more than I could ever say for Waneyweb.

The Iceman said...

Hey dillweeds. Prime has opted to not defend his last place finish in our fantasy basketball league from last year. It's a 10 man team, entry is $50. Anyone want in?

The Iceman said...

10 man LEAGUE. Head to head scoring. Dirty Randy is also not in the league.

Prime99 said...

Wait- so G$ AND Drooler pick the Bears? This feels like a reverse jinx. I don't like it.

Reggie is back for sure? Want to make sure before starting him in fantasy?

Brady said...

Completely off topic but I'm only working a half day and my mind is already on the weekend. So, instead of work, I've been browsing eBay and have decided that I need a Seinfeld shirt. There are three options to choose from. Do I get a shirt featuring Kramerica, Vandelay Industries or the Human Fund. I'm kind of leaning towards the Human Fund. Thoughts?

Nate said...

Kruger Industrial Smoothing is better than all of those.

Nate said...

Or PlayNow.

The PlayNow story arc is one of my favorite, and the most underappreciated arc in Seinfeld.

Jeff said...

We want the DEETS, Ace.

Brady said...

Damn! Those are both pretty good, Nate. I'm going to hold off on pulling the trigger until I get the perfect one to buy.

Brady said...

Just found one for Puddy's Auto repair. Think we might have a winner.

Nate said...

Brady,

I still disagree. Puddy is too mainsteam.

You can bring up Kruger in front of your friends and the average person won't know what you're talking about.

Plus, Puddy isn't half the character Kruger is.

GMoney said...

Yeah, what did Commish due for the reparations that we demand??? I see nothing on the league site. Is it HJs? It's HJs, isn't it?

I'm sure that Cakes in an obscure Seinfeld shirt would be a real hit at parties. I'd like a "Tim Whatley DDS" shirt if you're getting me a birthday present.

Brady said...

A "Tim Whatley DDS" shirt would be awesome! I kind of feel like we should be making these shirts.

I agree that "Cougar" is a better character but it's hard to find any kind of shirt that references him. I'm starting to lean back towards the Human fund. That shirt just cracks me up.

Anonymous said...

LeBron on the Buckeyes sideline tomorrow and hanging out all day with the monster football/basketball recruiting weekend on hand. Black kids love LeBron more than they love their own mothers....love it.

--Drew

GMoney said...

But wouldn't he be telling these future felons to get out of Ohio as soon as possible? I don't think that you've thought this through.

Nate said...

http://www.cafepress.com/mf/14999424/kruger-industrial-smoothing_tshirt?utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=80114675&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=sem-cpc-product-ads&utm_content=search-pla

You're welcome