|Sooooooo...he's sitting in a tub of diarrhea, right?|
Fuck the Indians. Fuck this stupid little wild card chase that they are on. We, as Americans, have a tendency to gravitate toward the underdogs but the Indians are very unlikeable so no one is. That’s cute. The Pirates are America’s team this year. No one cares about anyone else. No one ESPECIALLY cares about the Believeland Windians. We haven’t done a list in a while. Let’s do a Top 5 Reasons Why “Fuck The Indians”.
5. Brady/Seal/Damman – I would prefer this Bermuda Triangle of annoying FB updates if they all just disappeared into the ether. But there they are—every fucking night—commenting to people who don’t want to be their friends any more about how Cabrera should stop grounding out to second because people care OBVZ. These three have hopped on and off the bandwagon so much this year that—ummmmm—HOMOS; THE LOT OF ‘EM! Count it! I want them to fail so badly because the reaction of these three would make me so happy. Let’s bring back JD Drew (JD Drooler?) and have him hit another soul-crushing grand slam!
4. Nice fans – This gets talked about a lot but the Windians have the worst fans in the game. More people came to RibFest in March than your average Indians home game.
3. Tom Hamilton – I don’t want to get into this again. He is abysmal. He hasn’t earned the right to call meaningful baseball games. He should be the Marlins radio guy for eternity. Or the Browns. That would be a fitting punishment.
2. They suck – Let’s dig a little deeper here: The Tribe are in the position that they are in today because they beat the piss out of bad teams. They have the best record in the league against garbage. There is nothing wrong with that. You can only beat who you play. But that’s the problem: they didn’t beat anybody. So why should we respect them/want to watch them in the postseason?
1. They suck - To piggyback off of #2, they can’t beat the Tigers or Red Sox. Not won’t beat them, but they CAN’T. They know this, too. And if you can’t beat either of my two least favorite teams then what is the point of getting there at all? Let Texas get in and see what these two shitball teams can do against Fuck Yu, Viva La Raza Garza, and Derek Dutch Oven. We KNOW that the Rangers can beat up the Tigers in October. Hmmm, that’s a good question: would you rather make the wild card game and lose or not make it and the Tigers lose in the Division Series? You better pick the latter.
I’m not going to make you admit that this is a total fluke season. You already know that. And I’m not asking you to apologize for exceeding expectations. But I am asking that you bow out of this race gracefully and let a better team in. It’s the least that you could do for America. Be nice and fold this weekend so that we can actually watch some interesting and good teams in the postseason. As the worst might say, “give it a rest”. Thanks! FUCK YOU, CAKES.