Friday, September 06, 2013

It's SHOWTIME, Folks!!!

Your move, Ricky Stanzi.
Who’s ready for our first of many weekly Friday gambling posts? Let me re-phrase that to get you more excited: WHO WANTS TO LEAD UP-DOWNS!!! I mentioned it on Tuesday but I want to talk about it again…I got SLAUGHTERED last week. I know that I usually never wager in the first week or two but I bucked that trend this year and now I know why I’m so smart. How bad was it? I went 1-8 on Saturday and the win was via Bert Bielema. That is SO BAD. But at least I treated my wagers like I like my ribs…low and slow AKA small wagers. Thankfully, I made some coin on Thursday, Friday, and Monday otherwise that could have gotten really ugly. We’ve got my usual advice, a pick on the big game, my initial MAC Glory Hole of the Week, and our new feature of Mr. Ace’s Hammer of the Week. He’s 1-1!

If you want to murder yourself, might I recommend flipping on Fox Sports at noon tomorrow for some ex(crement)citing Miami/UK football or, as no one calls it, WHEN SEAL AND GRUMP COLLIDE!!! I’m a week away from betting against us every week. Anyway, Kentucky has an interesting character on their team named Steven Borden (pictured as an American). He is, naturally, the son of WCW Legend, Sting! With our pro wrestling pedigree of Brian Pillman and The Miz, this game might have the most pro wrestling ties this weekend. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, THAT’S KANE’S MUSIC! No one cares…especially this season ticket holder. Let’s start with the big game that is the last of its kind (or not!) for a while:

Notre Dame +3.5 @ Michigan – I think that this is a field goal game with WE ON’s fat rapist homeless kicker blobbing one through the uprights as time expires. At least I hope so. I would much rather watch a sad Brian The Murderer than a sad Hokester. Smart money is on taking the points.

Penn State -24 vs. Eastern Michigan – PSU isn’t that great but EMU is still EMU.
Western Kentucky +13 @ Tennessee – The “Fuck The SEC” tour starring Bobby Petrino rolls into Knoxville. He wanted the UK job and then killed them last week. I think the same thing can be said with Rocky Top. They will keep it close because Butch Jones is a terrible coach.
Baylor -27.5 vs. Buffalo – Watch what a good team does to a team like Buffalo, Ohio fans. That’s some fine scheduling though, Bulls!
Ohio Buckeyes -28 vs. San Diego State – Time to fucking redeem yourselves after last week’s travesty. All of the criminals are back (except for Hyde). Tony Romo’s alma mater beat the Aztecs by 21 in their barn, you better be able to do double that.

MAC Glory Hole of the Week!!! Bowling Green -7 @ Kent State – The Falcon defense is for real and Dri Archer is out. Night night, Flashes. On to the pros…

Cleveland PK vs. Miami – Just a hunch that the Browns win their home opener.
Oakland +10.5 @ Indianapolis – Terrelle Pryor will score some garbage points in the fourth quarter.
Washington -3 over Philadelphia – This is going to be an ass beating. Riley Cooper just got his ass kicked in practice yesterday and was apparently called an n-word himself.  Yeah, things are going well in Philly.  BLOWOUT.  Speaking of the Eagles getting destroyed, it’s Mr. Ace time!

Mr. Ace’s Hammer of the Week (season record: 1-1)
If I can pick both, my NCAA pick is Oklahoma St -26.5 and my NFL pick is KC -4.
Moneyline/Upset: Da U +3.

If I only get one lock (you do, moron, that is kind of the point of it being a Hammer and not hammers) it is Oklahoma St -26.5 (@ UTSA…whatever that is).
There you have it. Let’s make some money and we’ll be back on Monday to break down the NFL games. This is one of only two times that I will say this all year because I have integrity but GO BLUE!


Mr. Ace said...

Wait, so I can only pick one"lock" but somehow I am 1-1?!?!?! Quit trying to fuck me, bro. Olé Miss was my pick. 1-0 it is. Also if you took my advice from the comments yesterday in my"super mega lock" then you were on ASU last night when they covered by 20. Congrats. Even tho G$ wouldn't let me pick a Thursday nighter as my lock. Fucking DICKtator.

I am on Baylor and the Bucktards as well.

I would not bet against Michigan here. I will be staying away probably, but Tommy Rees is not who you want in control of your cash. It appears Michigan actually has playmakers in the secondary instead of gritty walk ons.

So G$ and Payton Manning hung 61 on me last night. FUCK. And G$ outbid me on Julius Thomas because I was maxed out in the LFL. I hate you.

GMoney said...

We had a special Thursday night lock last week, bro! You missed the UT/Fla OVER. I couldn't bet ASU last night because my site doesn't allow interracial/FCS wagering.

G$ owns you.

While I'm going to try to hang 200 on you in the MSFL, it is going to be great to beat Jeff in the LFL even though he started Peyton. You know I will BRAH. I mean seriously, who Gronk-proofs their team with Dr. J Thomas? THIS GUY.

GMoney said...

By the way, Sting's son looks like he sucks at everything not patriotic.

Prime99 said...

That shit was fucking insane last night. LS having Welkah isn't ideal but at least I'm not the #1 power ranked team going against G$. Ace is in trouble this week, but since he thinks his team is the best, he should be fine.

Anonymous said...

The best part is Iceman talking shit on Facebook while Peyton hollows out his skull for a nice fucking.

G$FL - Fuck it. I should just retire.


GMoney said...

Who needs Montaaaaaaaaaaay Ball when your QB goes for 7 every game? EAT ALL THE SHIT, ICEMAN.

FUN FACT: My RedHawks have not won an OOC road game (that was not Temple) since 2003. That is absolutely terrible. Why aren't you betting against these losers every week? You should be betting against them in their practices.

Anonymous said...

Yes, G$, Miami blows, but you would have to be nuts to be on UK in any game. Getting rolled by western last week was embarrassing.


Anonymous said...

"SEAL AND GRUMPY COLLIDE" sounds like the name of a real dirty porno. How many minutes would you watch of Seal and Grumpy having sex on video? You aren't watching in person. I think I'd watch six minutes.

I don't think the Buckeyes are a lock to cover 28. The coaches admitted this week that they are just randomly trying shit in these tune-up not calling a single run for Braxton last week. They could, but they aren't pedal to the metal yet.

I hope we win by 27, so that G$ and Ape lose more money on OSU.


The Iceman said...

Starting Monteeeeee Ball all year most certainly will not come back to haunt you.


Anonymous said...

So is Drew saying it takes him 6 minutes to finish to gay old man porn?

J from JBeanie

GMoney said...

Phil Steele (a guy who actually knows what he's talking about) has Notre Dame winning tomorrow.

I was listening to some quotes from Rocky Long and it sounded like he wants to cut his entire team. If you don't beat them by 30 then you should fall out of the top 25.

I would watch zero seconds of a Grump/Seal sex tape. What is wrong with you???

Anonymous said...

Or hot bald guy porn.


Jeff said...

I'm pretty sure those 2.4 points Monteeeeeeeeee Ball got me will be enough to finally allow me to put you away. And my avatar of course.

Montee Ball will be the FACTORback soon enough. Just needs to learn the blocking schemes to keep PeyPey upright. 60+ from those 2 combined every week (probably 80+, they do play the chargers and raiders twice). I'll take it!! LOLS

Michigan is a lock. They will win by double digits unfortunately.

Anonymous said...

G$....Slow Seal would definitely be the bottom in that porno and I want to see the shame.

I have a strong feeling that the Buckeyes will not drop out of the Top 25 if they win by less than 30.

Wes Welker punked Eric Decker in my G$FL matchup last night...fucking Eric Decker.


Brady said...

I kind of feel like Michigan is a lock too. Notre Dame is just an awful program. I don't see how they can win in front of the quietest 110,000 people of all time.

It would be awesome if Notre Dame could somehow pull it off while Iceman was in attendance. I can almost picture the rage posting on Facebook right now. He would somehow spin it to make it the Buckeye's fault. That much is guaranteed.

Ravens... LOL

GMoney said...

Rare good point from Drew. Eric Decker is terrible. He's going to get squeezed this year.

Jeff doesn't even realize that he's already dead despite his QB going for 60. That's adorbs.

If everything here thinks that UM is a lock then they must be! But Cakes is right. As much as we all loathe Notre Dame, knowing that Iceman would be watching them celebrate live would be a decent consolation prize.

Anonymous said...

Don't feel bad Drew, you're just inferior to your opponent


Prime99 said...

The dog in ND v. UM match up is like 16-4 ATS in the last 20 years. ND may not be as bad a pick as everyone seems to believe. Or it just means the favorite is due. Fucking gambling...

The Iceman said...

Since I'm tailgating at noon and I'm not Ide, I will still be awake and close to blacking out by kickoff. So if ND does find a way to win this game hopefully I'll be so drunk to the point where it won't bother me. Or I'll just start fighting people and end up in jail. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. Fuck Notre Dame.

GMoney said...

Mike Golic is going to kick your ass. You aren't man enough to square off with Bob Golic.

The Iceman said...

I'll punch both Golic brothers in their pussies. I'm sure my punch is strong enough to penetrate their pube forest.

Prime99 said...

Bob is obviously tougher as he hung out at the mean streets of Cal U and had to deal with Screech's bitching and Zack throwing raves in the dorms.

GMoney said...

LOL Jeff got 63 points from Pey Pey last night and I am STILL favored to win this week. And I will.