Thursday, September 05, 2013

G$ Predicts The NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Barney's film was great but Pam Getting Hit In The Head had Pam getting hit in the head.
OMG guys, REAL FOOTBALL IS BACK TONIGHT!!! After an ELITE offseason of murders and Tenor being circumcised from the league FOREVS and Pam Oliver concussions, the games are here. Pam, I don’t care if your head still hurts or if you are over 50 years old, I still love you. I will comfort you during these trying times. So this is my annual big prediction post of my favorite sport. Last year, I picked the Pats to beat the Falcons and since both of those teams made the conference championship game, I consider that a win. While picking the NFL season is hard to do, one thing is certain: the AFC is ass this season. There are probably 8 teams in the NFC that would earn a bye if they played in the AFC. This post is going to be long so let’s get going. The theme for this year is “Stale Teams Can Get Fucked”.

AFC East: New England 9-7, Miami 7-9, Buffalo 7-9, New York Jets 4-12
Thoughts: Will someone please step up and take this division from the Pats? They’re just begging to miss the playoffs what with the no talent that they have. I really want to pick the Dolphins but they spent more time this offseason buying uniforms from the set of Any Given Sunday than they did improving their team. We all know how this ends…New England loses their first home playoff game because their defense sucks and they abandon the run in all of their big games. I don’t think that Rex Ryan will get fired during the year simply because then they would have to name Marty Morninwheg as his interim replacement and NOBODY wants that. For some reason, I’m liking Emanuel J’manuel Manuel more and more by the day. Probably because he isn’t Jeff Tuel/Kevin Kolb.

AFC North: Cincinnati 11-5, Baltimore 9-7*, Cleveland 8-8*, Pittsburgh 6-10
Thoughts: I’m ALL IN on the Bengals this year. There is so much young talent on that team. There are only two things that could de-rail them:
1. They remember that they are the Bengals
2. Andy Dalton doesn’t get better
3. Pacman Jones is a leader in the locker room
Other than that, the Bengals will be really good. I can’t believe I wrote that. Mr. Ape doesn’t like Baltimore this year but he should know better than to sell a BRAH short. I hate the AFC so much that I am picking a wild card berth for the 8-8 Browns. 4th easiest schedule, a good defense, and history on his side that Norv can call a very good offense. Just don’t ask him to be your head coach ever. One of these shitty teams is going to make the playoffs (and I picked the Colts last year REMEMBER!!!), why not Weeden? I caught Jeff saying at least five times the other night that “the Steelers are going to suck”. I have thought that for a while. The defense is just getting worse as is the OL and skill weapons for Ben. Unless that D starts cranking out three turnovers per game, I don’t see it. Like it or not, Grump, it’s time to rebuild and this team is going nowhere.

AFC South: Indianapolis 10-6, Tennessee 8-8, Houston 8-8, Jacksonville 3-13
Thoughts: Statistically, the Colts were the worst team to ever make the postseason last year. Whatever, they are going to win the division now and for the next decade. I don’t care about the Titans and Jags but I do want to talk about Houston. I feel like, when Matt Schaub is your QB, making the playoffs two years in a row is your ceiling. After that, it’s all downhill until he is replaced. This is the least interesting division in all of sports.

AFC West: Denver 12-4, Kansas City 7-9, San Diego 6-10, Oakland 5-11
Thoughts: If Denver doesn’t win the AFC this year then can you all agree with me that Peyton is the most OVERRATED player in NFL history? Who is better than them? Who do you trust to beat them in Denver? Every other contender (other than Cincy) got worse this offseason. KC is a sleeper pick for idiots this season. I don’t see it. Andy Reid is a shitty coach/father/diet follower. There are 7-8 teams in the AFC that are unwatchable this year. This conference is AWFUL.

NFC West: Seattle 12-4, San Francisco 10-6*, St. Louis 7-9, Arizona 5-11
Thoughts: I hate the Seahawks. I hate Rusty. I hate Petey C. I hate the 12th Man. But they’re damn good and have a cake schedule. Sorry, Jimmy BRAH, but you’re a wild card team this year. I don’t understand why some think that the Rams are a sleeper. They have no running backs worth a shit and their receivers are average. Don’t forget that their QB is worse than Tim Couch. What a terrible #1 pick he turned out to be. I have no thoughts about the Cardinals other than Bruce Arians pretty much pulled a Jake Taylor from Major League 2. In this analogy, The Honey Badger is Rube Baker. And I am implying that Jake went on to manage the Arizona Diamondbacks which is pretty much the Mexican League.

NFC South: New Orleans 10-6, Atlanta 8-8, Carolina 7-9, Tampa Bay 7-9
Thoughts: I am a fan of revenge seasons and while the Saints won’t be able to stop anyone, they should still score at will. Have you seen Rob Ryan recently? It looks like he’s preparing to give birth to octuplets. Dude needs to lay off the beignets. The Falcons don’t seem to be getting any better; just older and less talented. Yet another team that is getting stale. They are due for a truly shitty season where they don’t get any bounces and have some important guys miss long stretches of time. Did you know that still employ Chris Redman? That’s AWFUL. Dut thinks that Tampa’s offense is ELITE. He has no clue. Former Sparty felon and Big Ten career leader in personal foul penalties, William Gholston, plays for Tampa. He is the perfect Schiano player. Chris Gamble preferred to retire in his prime instead of playing for the Panthers any more. Good call, Crack Eyes!

NFC North: Chicago 10-6, Green Bay 9-7, Detroit 8-8, Minnesota 5-11
Thoughts: BEAR DOWN! I’m buying stock in the Bears because their new coach is a guaranteed kid diddler, Catler is playing for a big contract, they finally addressed the offensive line, they won’t be wasting challenges and timeouts anymore, and Brian Urlacher’s OVERRATED ass is gone. Much like the other teams I have singled out today, I don’t believe that the Packers are getting better. Early prediction that Aaron Rodgers plays closer to 8 games than 16. Iceman likes to single out Mike Tomlin as being a below average coach but Mike McCarthy is probably the worst coach to ever be called champion. The Lions will be better but it’s against the rules for Scott Linehan to be successful. LOL Christian Ponder and Matt Cassel.

NFC East: Washington 11-5, Dallas 9-7*, New York Giants 8-8, Philadelphia 5-11Thoughts: I keep telling you assholes that we’re going to be good and no one is listening to me. That is YOUR mistake. We went 10-6 last year with a half speed Pierre, no Freddy D, an awful and old secondary, and no Orakpo. All of those things have been corrected. This team is on the rise even if the grass that we play on wants us to fall awkwardly. Jason Garrett likes to go 8-8. Whatever, I’ll give him one more win because I think very little about the Giants (another team not getting better). Congrats to all of you morons that drafted David Wilson! He’s terrible! Chip Kelly sucks and his system is going to fail miserably. I’m sure that Mark Barkley will be the fix.

Who wins this thing? In the AFC, give me the Broncos to beat the Bengals and, in the NFC, I’ll take the Redskins over the Bears (who win in Seattle because Jay Catler DON’T CARE ‘bout no twelf man). The Super Bowl will be a real Doug Williams Special as the WASHINGTON REDSKINS BEAT THE DENVER BRONCOS. Call me Captain Homer Q. Dipshit all you want but I mean it this time around. This isn’t one of those lame-ass “SUPER BOWL” screams that I do during the Draft. We are going to win the Super Bowl. We will. And if you ask me to hedge, I’ll go with the Seahawks over the Bengals. But, seriously, Skins win #4. Enjoy the season opener tonight.

38 comments:

Jeff said...

If preseason means anything, which it usually doesn't (The Lions went 4-0 in preseason and then 0-16 LOLZ), but in the case of exposing a shitty offensive line and lack of play makers, that's exactly what I take from the Steelers' preseason. Ben will be lucky to start 12 games behind that line. If this team is to be any good, Markus Wheaton needs to be a play maker and the defense has to be stellar. Both possible, but very unlikely.

The AFC does have a ton of shit teams though

The Iceman said...

Well this post was pointless. My next 13 college football posts will now be about Michigan winning the national title this year.

So when the Steelers miss the playoffs this year...and they will...does the organization start to think about firing Tomlin? Look at his résumé over the last 4 years if they do miss this year. 2 years in a row of missing the playoffs. First rounded by Tim Tens. Missed playoffs. That's fucking shit and any other coach in the league would be in danger of getting canned. All Tomlin has done is proven he can win with other people's players.

Grumpy said...

Preseason means nothing. Steelers go 12-4 and G$ takes me out for ribs.

Jeff said...

Here comes Iceman and his secret man crush on Mike Tomlin again. Does Wheelz know about this? Once you go black, you'll never go back.

GMoney said...

It amuses me that Grump can never see how completely average the Steelers are. No playmakers. Terrible OL. Ike Redman AGAIN. Defense aging rapidly in places that you have no DEPF. Shaun Suisham. Felix Jones. Yeah, even with the worst schedule in the league, I'll rib your ass up at 12-4.

Iceman, I truly honestly believe this. No one believes that UM is winning anything. And is this any worse than when I named myself Money Shot Man of the Year? I THINK NOT!!!

Here's a fun contest: name one person who looks like a bigger asshole than Redskins DC Jim Haslett. You can not do this. I bet he shoulder bumps everyone that he passes.

Anonymous said...

Any HarBRAH looks like a bigger asshole.

Iceman, please make every post about how UM will win the championship. Much like Brady and Seal with the Windians, I cannot wait for that to fizzle out after they drop their first game.

Steelers going 12-4 is fucking cherry. At least when the Browns say it, it's in jest. You can't seriously think that, can you?!

Browns making the wild card?! I'm on board!

iDE

The Iceman said...

Ide. Of all people I figured you would be the one to catch on to the sarcastic nature of my statement. Me thinking Michigan will win the National Title is absurd as G$ thinking the Skins will win the Super Bowl this year...which is why I wrote that. I really don't believe UM will even be there. Don't be dense.

Tell me how Tomlin deserves a job/is a great coach if the Steelers miss the playoffs for the 3rd time in 4 years, Jeff. Let's hear it, buddy.

Prime99 said...

Lovie SMIFF lost is job under similar circumstances...

Bears in the NFC title game! That's what I'm talking 'bout! Of course, they'd beat Washington [insert racist name here]s...

Jeff said...

Iceman, why u mad bro?

I'm just fascinated with how you marvel at the coaching situation in Pittsburgh. You care WAY too much about it, unless you are a closet Steelers fan (insert something to the tune of you rather eating a bag of dicks and bathe in a bucket of semen than be a Steelers fan).
Going to 2 Super Bowls and winning one, sure does by you sometime in Mediocreville. If they miss the playoffs this year would I be surprised if he is fired? Nope. Would I be surprised if they kept him? Nope.

GMoney said...

I sure could go for a night out with Landslide and 45 minutes worth of diarrhea jokes. Landslide > Huell...but it's close

I don't think that all of Houston/Green Bay/Giants/Falcons will miss the playoffs, but I wouldn't be surprised if 2-3 of them fell apart.

GMoney said...

Either Iceman is a big time racist or he is jelly of the Stillers. OR BOTH!

The Iceman said...

I shouldn't care about the inner workings of a team in the same division of the team I cheer for? Makes sense. You're TOTES right Jeff. I shouldn't care about anything Steeler related.

I see the The League is still horribly unwatchable. The only funny guy on that show is the dude who plays Dennis Feinstein on Parks and Rec. Seriously...that show is bad.

GMoney said...

The League is still solid. Dirty Randy wielding a trident made out of dildos will always be amusing. And a cameo from my boy, Blair Walsh!

Anonymous said...

I think your Lions prediction is pretty spot on...should roughly fall around 8-8. Bush will help a lot, as they did show the offense was pretty elite the few times Jahvid was healthy. I also think Nick Fairley will be an All-Pro this year...gonna be a complete beast.

I see Russell Wilson falling back to earth a bit this season.

49ers over Broncos in the Super Bowl

--Drew

GMoney said...

I don't want to think about a world in which the BRAHs go back to back.

The Iceman said...

Okay. Dirty Randy was solid. But that cast is horrible and not funny. I expect terrible humor from the guy who plays Ruxon because that show he had that lasted for like 3 episodes was wretched. Worse than Tim and Eric Awesome show. But I need at least one person in the main cast to be funny for me to tolerate it. And Taco being a retarded idiot has run its course. Stupid stops being funny after awhile. It's why no one likes Dut anymore.

Brady said...

I would TOTES take an 8-8 record this year!

There is no question that the AFC is shit compared to the NFC this season. That's what I'm counting on for the Browns to back in to the playoffs.

I really want to say that the Steelers will be awful but when I do stuff like that, the rapist eludes 8 sack attempts, runs around for 45 seconds and finds some DII receiver for 25 yards. That's basically the Steelers offensive gameplan.

Prime99 said...

I like The League (haven't seen last night's episode yet) but it definitely is no FIRST CAKE.

So ready for this fucking season to start. I need to get on one of those gambling sites, as my trips to Reno are becoming less frequent.

Anonymous said...

Why the David Wilson hate G$?

I hope to have some power rankings up for the LFL but I don't know where to start...... The whole league looks terrible and I don't know where to begin.

Broncos +7.... I like it.

I think your predictions are about right but the cowboys will win the division and blow their first playoff game.

----Lange

Grumpy said...

No play makers? Antonio Brown, Emmanuel Sanders, Markus Wheaton and Heath will be back.

Every year you and all the talking heads say the defense is too old and every year they finish in the top 5. Stop listening to Warren Sapp.

Prime99 said...

I drafted Andre Brown in three leagues anticipating David Wilson getting benched. Well, that didn't work out because Dre is made of glass, howeva- Wilson sucks. Charge that to the game!

GMoney said...

The Broncos are 7 point underdogs at home? LOL GO ROCKETS!!!

I think that David Wilson sucks. Period.

WHOA! Sapp comparisons are a little extreme, no? That's not funny! Those are not playmakers. You continue to insist that Antonio Brown is good when he is not and keeps proving that. They forced like 5 turnovers all of last year and signed Randall Gay as their big FA acquisition. Ecuse me if I don't bow down to Blow LeDick.

Great avatar, Cakes! Is this your orthopedic back pillow? Wouldn't you like to know!

Anonymous said...

Grumpy is assuming Heath Miller can come back from a blown up knee being white and 30. Tomlin has went on record as saying he is using a TE by committee. LOLZ!

Redman is your RB. If it's possible from him to even break a tackle he will likely fumble. Either way, there is no reason that defenses will pay attention to him. Your stud rushing attack did accumulate an impressive 8 touchdowns combined.

Oh, and that OL. Is Mike Adams back on the field, or is he still nursing those stab wounds?

Ide

GMoney said...

Mike Adams is in the backfield every play chasing down the DE that he never touched.

Let's put it this way, Mr. Playmakers. Other than the Raiders, name another team with worse WRs and TEs (must be healthy) than the Steelers. This will be fun.

GMoney said...

I just want to say that this year's NFC Title Game featuring the Bears traveling to Washington will be an epic blog civil war here. HAIL!

Anonymous said...

Um, yeah, pretty sure the Broncos are 7.5 point favorites. Sign me up for whatever site you use, Lange.

The Browns will finish 9-7 this year. Book it.

-Damman

Prime99 said...

The civil war would have to be very epic to beat the war Drew and I just participated in when the Blackhawks won THE STANLEY MOTHERFUCKING CUP. In this analogy, Drew is the SOUF because he lost and is dumb.

Seriously though, I'm in for the NFC title game because I'm pretty sure the Bears would win. Shanny would tan himself to death afterwards in depression and RG3 would go on a dude-boning RAMPAGE.

Anonymous said...

That Redskins article on Deadspin is LOLZ.

Ide

GMoney said...

Jay Catler don't care about Super Bowls though. And seriously, your new coach fucks kids. He didn't come back from Canada because of his job but because he was deported back.

Lange uses the same bookie as Scooter McDougle. ELITE Toledo point shaving reference!

GMoney said...

I can't wait to read it! If Zorn isn't listed as the worst Redskin ever than we riot. He's way worse than Dan Snyder.

Anonymous said...

Zorn is mentioned. Your team name should be changed to this:

Savage Beasts Who Must Be Brought To Heel By The White Man

Also, his picks equal 256-256. Yours are 261-251. Your math is not ELITE, but shockingly close.

Ide

Anonymous said...

Typo on my part but I still like the broncos at -7. The Ravens are the 3rd best team in their own division. I used to ball with Scooter and his crew at The UT rec center. Toledos economy fell apart after Scooter left.... No more easy bookie money.

GMoney said...

I'm SHOCKED that I was that close. Two years ago I had the league something like 40 games under .500.

Mr. Ace said...

Fag off. Eagles will finish second in East.

Super mega lock tonight: Arizona State -35.

Grumpy said...

The Ravens wide receivers are worse and so is their TE (ours isn't healthy and neither is theirs).

The Iceman said...

I can't wait until Monteeee Ball has 10 rushes for 25 yards tonight.

Brady said...

Thanks, G$! I saw that pic on the Seinfeld Facebook feed and knew I had to have it. Most people wouldn't get how truly awesome it is. That's why I chose to use it here.

I tend to think the Ravens are overrated this year as well. I beat them in Madden last night 24-3on All Pro with the Browns. Then AP rushed for 160 yards on me in the next game so we know the Madden algorithms are correct. Because, SCIENCE!

Grumpy stubbornly defending the Steeler offense is precious. I can't wait to hear the excuses come week 8 when they are bringing up the rear in the division.

Dear Torrey Smith and PeyPey,

Put up YUUUUGE numbers for me tonight.

Sincerely,

Brady errr Cakes.

GMoney said...

Torry Smiff and Jacoby Jones are both better than Brown (well, Jones is at least comparable but has a signature big time moment in the playoffs). NEXT!