Tuesday, September 24, 2013

College Football Week 4

It's gonna be a long fucking year.

So this last weekend was pretty interesting for a multitude of different reasons.  We housed a bachelor/bachelorette party at our house for a couple who are apparently pretty tight with Wheelz.  I knew none of them so I got fucking gassed as quickly as possible by housing four 16 oz. margaritas in roughly 45-60 minutes.  Let me say this.  Joint parties are dumb as fucking shit.  Bachelor and Bachelorette parties are not meant to be shared because it's supposed to be your last chance to be a retarded jack ass without consequence before you spend the rest of eternity wondering what happened to your testicles.

Two notable things happened.  First, the bride to be showed me her tit.  Only one, which I found odd.  And it was bare tit.  Right in front of her husband to be.  It would have been real awkward if we all weren't Joe Namath drunk at that point.  But from what I remember, they were gross boobs so I was actually the big loser on that exchange.  Never thought I would type that sentence.

Second, the only cool guy in the group also didn't know anyone so it didn't take he and I long to team up.  He came with his girlfriend (the maid of honor) of two months.  And if he's smart, it will be his ex-girlfriend ASAP.  The first three months of a relationship is called the honeymoon period for a reason.  There aren't supposed to be any issues at all.  You actually do shit like care (kinda) about not blasting anal egg nukes in front of the person you're with.  So when the girl you've been dating for two months gets fucking shit housed and tells you to go die because you can't find a purse that SHE lost.  That is all the warning I need to bail.  Fucking nightmare.  Speaking of nightmares...let's get this over with.

I hate to disappoint all you Fuckeye fans for a second week in a row, but I will openly trash this Michigan team along with everyone else.  I refuse to defend fucking bums that play with zero pride.  Here's the thing...if nearly losing to a perennial shit bag team like Akron the week before isn't enough to wake your ass up, then it's not going to happen at all.  Michigan should have come in and blown the fucking tits off Uconn.  Instead they dicked around and found themselves with a two touchdown deficit and needing yet another miraculous comeback against a fucking rotten team while I tried finding the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle with my new friend, Jason.  Also a Michigan fan.  I know Prime and LS...Jack Daniels.  THE HORROR!!  Gardner looks like ass.  He's the fucking Giving Tree when it comes to ball security.  We can't run the ball.  And our O-line is getting dominated by guys who are barely good enough for Division I football.  This is not a very good football team and I wouldn't be shocked if this team lost 5 games this year.

So I guess people are pissed at Urban Meyer and the Fuckeyes for running it up on FAMU?  Why?  They were playing backups, right.  I mean, I assume they were since when I looked at the box score I saw about 20 names getting carries for Ohio.  I fucking hate everything Ohio and even I don't have an issue with the butt hollowing that happened Saturday.  Don't want the backups running it up on you?  Stop being a pussy bitch and fucking stop someone.  Or just keep whining like a cunt about it.  Shit...I don't care.  You're FAMU and people forget a lot of times that you're even there.  Be happy someone is talking about you for once.

I love it when football players are complete block heads.  A big round of applause out to Isaiah Battle for taking his last name literally and uppercutting a NC State player in the chin Saturday.  LULZ worthy.  OBVZ he was suspended.  Watching him go into straight fucking gangsta street mode was absolutely tremendous.  Almost as good as Swinney chastising Battle in front of everyone like a 12-year old.  But to be fair, that's probably Battle's reading level.  Count it.

Michigan State was the worst 3-0 team in the country before Saturday.  BARELY beating out the Wolverines for that fucking dubious distinction.  Seriously...is there a more boring, unwatchable team in the country?  Watching the Spartans on offense is like watching 80 and over porn.  I'm assuming Conner Cook is playing because every other option at QB in East Lansing died.  Or is dying.

Jeff Driskel broke his ankle.  Does anyone care?  Doubt it.  That should give you an idea of just how boring the rest of these games were outside of Michigan almost losing to yet another team with zero wins.

So I'll end with this.  A little discussion heading into this weekend.  I heard today on the radio from Mouth Breather Lachey and Molecular Genetics Krenzel that URBZ has named Braxton Miller his starter for this weekend's game verses Wisconsin.  My take on this?  Fucking dumb.  If you're looking to absolutely ruin a kid why not just go for broke and prison rape the dude's mother right in front of him? Guiton has done more than enough to earn the start against Wisconsin.  All Braxton Miller has done is work on his kegel exercises in a hospital bed.  Guiton should be your starter, no questions.  If not to respect the guy for working his ass off and helping your offense not lose a beat, how about to avoid total disaster?  Ohio usually struggles against Wisconsin, right?  So instead of starting and playing the guy who has been killing it the last two weeks in a game you can't afford to struggle in...you go with a guy who can't stay on the field and who will have rust thicker than Tonya's mustache.  Let's see if she still religiously reads.  Anyway...it's too risky in my opinion and very dumb.  You're relying on a guy who hurts himself shaving his pussy lips while at the same time mentally destroying a guy who has been the reason the offense has been deep thrusting opponents.  I'm curious to what the Ohio fans think about this move.  That's all I've got, losers.  Keep remembering today how OVERRATED Mike Tomlin is.  Toodles!


Anonymous said...

Its hard not to run up the scoreboard when we didn't throw a pass in the second half and still went apeshit.

Im on the fence about Braxton. Start him, but the second he fucks up or aches, put in Smooth Jazz. Or alternate responsibly.


GMoney said...

I think you're being a little harsh on Michigan. The defense was terrific. Obviously you would prefer to crush Jerry Conn but this was the biggest home game in their pathetic history. Or maybe you just blow.

Ohio went for it on fourth and long twice when up by a billion. THIS is what you should be complaining about. They were there for a check so Urban embarrassed them. Swell guy!

Grumpy said...

Total LOLZ at you and the maid of honor's date each thinking the other was the cool guy. Losers.

Over 80 porn? I think I see a market.

Ide wants to alternate responsibly. Like he does from top to bottom on weekends?

Anonymous said...

The 4th and "long" G$ is referring to was a couple of 4th and 5's from the famu 30. Kicking a field goal in that situation would be running it up and punting would be a slap in the face too. They didn't throw a fucking pass in the 2nd half. Give me a break.

Braxton is the starter. I love Kenneth G but he is the backup and he knows what the deal was coming into this year. He's a big boy and he can handle it. G has played great, no doubt but let's not forget he didn't exactly play against dominant defenses.


GMoney said...

No class. Class must not have been a part of his daughters rules for him. Earl Holmes should have ended him.

Anonymous said...

Seems as good of a time to point out that I have the two most high powered offenses in MSFL and G$. After running up the score Urban style on G$ last night, I squeaked by Seal with a 1 point victory. That victory included the second highest point total on a down week, since the faggot decided to mail in another game.

Big game against Ape, who was ELITE enough to draft Rodgers, but LOLZ enough to not get a backup. Good luck with that, brah. K-Dawg is up in G$, and while that ass usually beats me every season regardless of skill, I have high hopes since I have zero byes and an endless amount of offensive weapons. And wrecked with byes, GSaul will likely kick the shit out of me in awLFL.


Prime99 said...

I like Jack Daniels. You will need more to finish up this football season.

I saw a little of the Ohio game and the one thing I learned was using a ref as a human shield is ELITE.

Nate said...

The only way for Urban to make up for a weak schedule is to pile on the points and run up the score.

He has no choice.

If he doesn't run up the score and blow out these teams out, OSU "plays down to its competition".

If he does run up the score, OSU "has no class".

I guess Urbs just has to pick the lesser of two evils. Go with the one that still gives you the best chance to win it all.

The Iceman said...

The defense played OKAY, G$. But I'm not gonna sit here and pound my chest to giving up the same amount of points to Uconn that Maryland did and 3 less than fucking Towson did week 1. The defensive line is almost as soft as the offensive line is. We get zero fucking pressure on the QB unless Mattison blitzes a thousand guys.

Normally I'm not a fan of losing your position to an injury but if a guy is injured ALL THE TIME, then what choice do you leave? In the first real big game of the season, why wouldn't you want the guy who has been actually playing football for the past 2 weeks? Sure...he's played crap teams so you really don't know how good he is against a team like Wisconsin. But starting Guiton can do 2 things for you.

First, it can allow you to prepare the same exact way that you have for the last 2 weeks. Football players are creatures of habit and get all fucking weird when you start changing shit. Then, if Guiton struggles in the game...you can pull him knowing you gave him an honest chance. Because let's face it...Miller is going to struggle no matter what.

Second, the move tells Miller that you're done fucking around with his pussy boy antics. Get healthy, play through pain or there isn't a spot for you in this lineup. Just handing the position back to him is telling him that it's okay to act like someone ran you over with a cement truck every time your knee gets touched.

The Iceman said...

We were both wearing cut off REO Speedwagon tshirts, Grump. Of COURSE we were the coolest guys there.

What Ide meant by alternating is alternating between white and black dick. I'm actually mailing him 9 left over ebony penis straws from the party. When I said I was just going to throw them away, Ide freaked out and said he wanted them. When I asked him why he couldn't give me a straight answer.

GMoney said...

For the record, the first time that urban went for it was in the first half inside the 20 or, you know, field goal range.

Miami shortened the fourth quarter. Louisville kept the clock running. There are ways around being a total asshole to retard teams like the Redhawks.

On a positive note, Grumpy told me that he's heading back to see his favorite tree next month.

Brady said...

I don't have one complaint with how Urban handled the game. It was pretty much a glorified scrimmage and you need to get live reps in all of the possible situations that might arise when playing actual teams.

Running on EVERY play in the second half is pretty much the only thing he could do to not break the century mark. You can't tell the second and third teams to not play hard when they get out there. That's a good way to get people hurt and it's also UNAMERICAN!

I for one love having a coach who doesn't give any FUCKS about what the other team thinks.

Brady said...

By the way, Iceman's increasingly chaotic texts to me during the Michigan game were spectacular. I almost felt like I was falling down the rabbit hole with him.

Apparently we also had an ELITE phone conversation sometime around one in the morning. I don't really remember it but Mrs. Cakes said there was lots of yelling and laughing.

Mr. Ace said...

Michigan looked poopie. Good thing I passed out after DG98 fumbled and UConn took it back for a TD. HOORAY BYE WEEK!!!

I have said from day 1 that I would start Smooth Jazz. Nothing has changed. I think u give KG his shot against Wiscy and the first half determines his future. If he is good, it's his job. If he's bad, Braxton steps back in and doesn't look back.

A-Rod only got me 13 last week, IN A FUCKING TIE/LOSS TO MOTHERFUCKING DAMMAN, so fuck that guy. I will take great pleasure in plundering ur anus with a waiver wire qb.

Brady said...

TOTES forgot to weigh in on the QB situation.

It's definitely Braxton's job IF he is 100%. Smooth Jazz has been amazing the last few games. There is no doubt he could be starting for 95% of the teams in college football. But, Braxton is one of the most dynamic players when healthy. Who knows how many TD's he would've scored the past two games if he were able to go.

This crazy offense was designed for him with his unique athletic abilities in mind. Herman and Miller were giddy at the beginning of the season talking about this offense with him at the helm. Maybe the offense can be even BETTER than what it has been with SJ in there. You can't just give up on that potential because Kenny has kicked the shit out of some lackluster defenses.

All that being said, if Braxton is ineffective at the outset of the game or doesn't appear to be fully healthy, the leash is VERY short.

Prime99 said...

Ice, in your superhero wedding pic, it is hard to tell which "hero" Cakes is. If you didn't force him to be Aquaman, I'll be as disappointed as you are with the Michigan offense.

Anonymous said...

Been away and my apologies for the lack of hits yesterday because of that.

LOLZ @ G$ and the Redskins.

LOLZ @ Nate Burleson breaking his arm trying to save a pizza last night.

LOLZ @ G$ as he's going to be on twitter at some point...this nigga be 3-0 in the G$FL.

LOLZ @ Michigan and Devin Gardner. Oh how I wanted them to lose that game while I was in Boston. Gardner is terrible...he'd be 3rd string at OSU.

I like how Michigan fans seem to forget that Braxton finished 5th in the Heisman votint last year as a true Sophomore and commanded an undefeated season. He is the starter and a dynamic football player. He has to start. The best part about how well Guiton has played? The coaches won't be as nervous to use Braxton's best feature the rest of the season....his running legs.


The Iceman said...

I did call Cakes around midnight. I barely remember that. I'm sure it was a conversation for the ages. That was about T minus 30 minutes until tit shot.

The Iceman said...

So you start Miller. And he gets hurt in the second quarter. Then Guiton is forced to save your asses AGAIN. Don't you think his confidence would be rattled just a little? Enough to keep Wisconsin in the game at least? I think so. If you're Guiton, at what point do you start asking yourself what you have to do in order to start full time. It's a dangerous move benching a guy playing really well for a guy who is a huge question mark when it comes to staying on the field. Past accolades (like finishing 5th in the Heisman as a sophomore) shouldn't determin what the best move for you football team today should be. Guiton has been better and more reliable this year than Miller. No question. Let the kid play.

The Iceman said...

I think it was the Avengers symbol, Prime. I had to give him that one because my original plan fell through. I was going to get him a Fallout Boy costume and make him walk around all night saying "Jiminy Jillickers!". You know...since Cakes is the Milhouse of The Money Shot.

Anonymous said...

Guiton knows what he is. He's the backup QB. He says that after every game. He knows his role. He would not be rattled.


Brady said...

I think it was "The Avengers". I'm not just one superhero, I'm a whole team of them! Of course I really wouldn't know because politcal intrigue/psychological thrillers > superhero movies.

I don't think starting Miller does anything to KG's psyche. He knows that this is Braxton's team. He knows he can play and will have to be ready at a moments notice to go back in the game. Braxtons health is definitely a BIG question mark. There is no time for hurt feewings in big boy football. We're trying to win a title here. I'm guessing KG will see plenty more playing time this season.

Although it is a little disturbing that we are benching the back to back Big Ten offensive player of the week. That probably hasn't happened before. What can I say? Embarrassment of riches.

Nate said...

Honestly, Kenny Guiton getting benched the rest of the year is probably the best thing for him.

He absolutely destroyed terrible defenses, and if put in front of a very good defense, I doubt his stats would be as good as Braxton's.

So, letting him graduate his senior year with all the hype would probably inflate his draft status (assuming he has any), and let him cash in on the fact he beat up on two terrible defenses.

GMoney said...

Standing ovation for Hyde...great humans at the shoe

Anonymous said...

Since when does hitting a woman not result in praise and adoration?


GMoney said...

Then they should have the back of his jersey say "H-Ide".