Tuesday, September 17, 2013

College Football Week 3

This has nothing to do with anything.  It was just too hilarious to leave out.

So my actual birthday was this past weekend and I celebrated it in the usual fashion.  A weekend bender while watching as much football as my eyes could absorb.  The hangovers were 2 of the best I've ever had as I got fucking ripped.  Wheelz was at her cousin's train wreck of a bachelorette party in Put In Bay for both nights so I drank like I was 19 again.  The stories she brought back from PIB were pretty magnificent.  The only thing I have to say is why be in a relationship if you don't act like you want to be?  And when you say, "I didn't do anything wrong" around 8 times...who are you trying to convince?  And no...it wasn't Wheelz.  Just some sluts she's friends with.  Bitches be whores, yo.  On to the action.

Might as well address the topic first that everyone wants to flap their cunts about today.  I won't make any excuses for the bathtub abortion Michigan put on the field Saturday.  It was bad.  Embarrassing.  Fucking shameful.  It almost felt like a loss even though it wasn't.  The only positive I can take away from this game is that no one will remember what happened in 5 years.  Once the shock wears off it'll just show up as a win.  Just like when the Buckeyes nearly got beat by BGSU back in like 2004...or whatever year that was.  I've never been more pissed during a Michigan game as I was Saturday.  When the last second fell off the clock, I had about 30 different emotions coursing through my body all at once and had no idea what to do with myself.  So I just started punching a cardboard box sitting next to me as hard as I could for about 10 full seconds.  Proud moment in my life right there, gents.  Then I got fucking blasted so I could forget that shit ever happened.  Michigan football is going to kill me one of these days.

Ignore what you see in the box score from Devin Gardner.  He played a fucking terrible game from start to finish no matter how decent it may look on paper.  I'm not sure what was worse.  Gardner's performance or Borges dick face play calling.  Gardner made shitty reads, under threw receivers, never had rhythm and was loose with the ball.  Sure...he had 350 yards of offense and 3 scores.  But he also turned it over 4 times and threw ANOTHER mind numbingly horrid pick six.  And what the fuck was Borges doing?  What do you do when Akron has proven they can't stop the run?  Keep throwing the ball, right???  /fart noise.  For being such a smart guy, Borges can be a real turd brain sometimes.  I still think Gardner is a good quarterback and has the tools to win games but the fucking turnovers have got to stop.  Like...fucking now.

Alabama Texas A&M was just as good as advertised Saturday.  I thought Saban's neck was going to explode while watching Juan Futbol mount a comeback that fell just short.  My seething hatred for Ol' Johnathan grew even more on Saturday.  There were a handful of plays where Manziel was sprinting around avoiding tacklers and would just heave up a fucking prayer into quadruple coverage.  Then his receiver would make the grab and bail his ass out...pan to Manziel grinning like a dipshit or giving the Miley Cyrus tongue hang out like he fucking planned it that way.  Verne Lundquist and his 70 year old skin spotted boner didn't help the cause (I'm pretty sure it was Verne that did that game).  Verne was talking about Manziel like he was A.J. McCarron's big tittied hot as fuck girlfriend.  As much as Manziel was responsible for that comeback he was equally responsible for A&M losing.  He threw some DUMB passes in crucial moments that resulted in turnovers that ended up being the difference.  Basically what I'm saying is I hope someone dumps a bucket of Peter King's diarrhea on Manziel's head.

The best part of Ohio vs. Cal was getting a text from Damman after the Fuckeyes went up 21-0 that read, "This is how you step on the throat of an opponent."  Literally 10 minutes later Cal was within 10 and it was a ball game again.  Shortly after I got "May have opened my mouth too soon."  Love it when Fuckeyes start to get mouthy only to have the opponent shut their mouths for them.  The second best part was watching Kenneth Guiton outplay Braxton Miller for a second straight week.  THEN listening to Fuckeye fans screaming about benching Braxton Miller when he's healthy for Guiton.  LULZ!  Fuckeyes be Fuckeyes.

Wisconsin lost to ASU because they deserved to.  Not whatever anyone else is saying if they are trying to make excuses for that bonehead fucking play.  And what Not Rusty Wilson QB did the play before was a fumble so they actually lost twice.  Every Wisconsin QB from here on out should just be referred to as Not Rusty Wilson since he only played one season and is the best QB that corn fed hillbilly school has had and ever will have.  But you still keep recruiting Scott Tolzien clones to claw your way through your average schedule every year, Wisconsin.

JERRY KILL REFUSES TO DIE!  Holy shit sacks!  Another seizure?!?!  Is this dude living on borrowed time or what?  For a guy who sounds like a real grade A cocksucker, the Lord above really does seem to have an infatuation with Jerry and special love for him.  Shit...maybe the Devil is keeping him alive to do his work on earth.  Who knows?!  One thing is for certain...one of these days Jerry Kill will die on a football field.  Absolutely no doubt in my mind.

Texas SUX and Mack Brown is going to lose his job soon in case anyone cares.  I doubt anyone does.

Lousiville and Stanford are both in the top 10.  I just realized this yesterday when figuring out how far Michigan dropped in the standings because they couldn't blow out a team they were favored by 37 against.  A team that's something like 3-40 in their last 4 seasons.  A team that has lost their last billion fucking road games.  Good for Louisville and Stanford, I guess.

Looks like pulling shit out of their asses finally caught up with Nebraska.  I didn't watch any of this game but I kinda wish that I had.  Anytime I can witness Bo Pelini pacing the sidelines like a crazed lunatic looking like he's about ready to go on a violent murder rampage is a good day.  I bet even Bo Pelini's family can't stand that fucking piss bag.

There you go, kids.  Say what you want about Michigan today since I'm sure that's what people will latch on to anyway.  It won't bother me and it's not anything I haven't already heard in the two days so go nuts, I guess.  It's a performance that cannot and will not be defended.  HEY!  Let's see if we can get Seal V. Drew part 2 in the comments section today.


Mr. Ace said...

I will start this shit off. Michigan looked like ass. Iceman, I don't know what the fuck u r talking about in regards to the running game. Our RB's averaged under 4ypc. Our O-line is/was a joke. We couldn't pound the ball against Akron no matter how hard we tried. Michigan is back to Exactly what we were the last 2 years, QB or bust. Very disappointing.

In regards to DG98, he was bad, but not add bad as everybody is making it out to be. Of his 4 turnovers, one was inconsequential and the other want his fault (QB's can't be blamed for screen INT's). My opinion hasn't changed. He has started les than 10 games. He will be alright.

As a Michigan fan I am more afraid of seeing Smooth Jazz than Braxton. He's a better passer. A better decision maker. But most importantly, I KNOW Braxton can get rattled. I don't think KG can be. Yes, Braxton is more of a playmaker and alwaysa threat to house it, but Smooth Jazz is the guy who u hope is on the bench whenever we play.

Bo Pelini.....HE GONE!

Anonymous said...

Bo Pelini is LOLZ!

I think we're going to be just fine on b offense and our defense gets 8 more tune up games until the one that matters. Smooth Jazz (fuck off G$, ELITE name) is definitely more composed and for you real men, also not a pussy. I can easily see us going to some faggot 2 qb sets a la Leak and Tebow.


GMoney said...

You just don't walk all over Terry Bowden! I expected a mail-in effort last week but not a nail-biter. That was pathetic.

Who has the worst defense: Cal, A&M, or the Washington Redskins?

The only reason that the Aggies were even close is because John Pigskin shredded SabeCakes D again. That loss isn't on him at all. But mad props to TJ Yeldon for doing the money fingers/throat slash. Nicky LOVED that!

Who do you think will be the new coaches at Texas and Nebraska???

I've said my piece on Broxton Milner already but he's still the starter. Deal with it, Ken Guy. Don't worry, it will be your job again in a few quarters anyway.

Grumpy said...


Brady said...

Smooth Jazz seems to be better at making quick option decisions, has more gas on his throws and more composed at times. That all being said, Braxton is still the man but OSU needs to make sure he is 100% before they throw him out there again. What's the rush?

KG is OBVZ capable and the Heisman bullshit is already out the window. I think every Buckeye fan would take a title shot over some overrated piece of hardware.

It isn't possible to explain how lucky Michigan was to get a win. WTF kind of playcall was that, Akron? The "full house mini sweep" was an awful call on the one yard line.

Mr. Ace said...

Terry Bowden put onafucking coaching clinic Saturday. Everytime he would check into a different play at the LOS he fucking gashed us.

Also about Michigan, our pas rush is a joke. And I will never understand blitzing a statue QB from the outside. A gap blitzes all day until they adjust, then bring outside pressure. Like the last play when M finally brought pursue straight up the middle. That should have been happening all day.

Johnny Fuxking Football is the GOAT. I love that kid. I bet he was snorting blow out of strippers butt holes after that game because he is so awesome. TAMU wouldn't win 5 games without him. Iceman's anti-JFF attitude is really disappointing.

RichRod to Texas.

GMoney said...

That is exactly why college football is bullshit. Conference officials are the biggest crock of shit ever as they are always biased. Just look at some of those strange calls to keep Cal close or the end of the Wisconsin game or Akron's receiver getting TACKLED while the ball is in the air. That is trash. Get rid of conference refs or don't let them do non-con games.

Don't tell Damman that Broxton is out of the Heisman race. He still is living in BELIEVELAND!!!

The best part of the Cal/Ohio game was the 5-10 minute 2nd quarter discussion between Damman, Hellraiser, and myself about the epic film, Con Air. Best part of the game. And then Cal had some guy named Powe on their team which Damman brought it full circle by reminding the table that that was the last name of Nic Cage's Con Air character. ELITE TALK!

What I'm trying to say is that Ohio Football isn't that bad as long as you are talking about Classic Cage films.

Steelers BAD. But Gio SICK allowed me to move to 2-0 and best team ever in the MSFL.

Anonymous said...

Let's not get haughty about MSFL teams. Megatron and Julio (1+1!) is a tandem that can't be beat. How did you dumbfucks let that happen?! And tell us how ELITE your bench was in G$FL.

Beat G$ week has started. You'd better get your affairs in order, Peyton is about to shove some mean android dick in your mouth and butt.


GMoney said...

What league? We're in like a million of them.

Tron and Julio are damn good but my stable of Dez and AJ are better. I'd rather have #2 and #3 than #1 and #8-10. I'm better.

Anonymous said...

First of all....LOLZ * 1000 at Michigan. Holy shit...it took a miracle to beat the worst team in the nation at home.

Some real dumb comments so far....

1.) Iceman -- Only Gardner could run the football. Fitz and Tubby Green were horrible and so was your OL.

2.) Ape -- How does Braxton get "rattled"? He just commanded an undefeated season as a true soph. He definitely could get "hurt"...but he does not shy away from the big moments. He's also definitely better than Kenny G. Pretty funny that Iceman basically just called you a Fuckeye.

3.) Brady Cakes -- How in the world can you think Kenny G has more zip on his passes than Braxton? You have to be the only person who thinks that. Kennys biggest weakness is his arm strength.

One thing is for certain....last weekend confirmed that the Buckeyes are way above the rest of the conference in talent. They need to seriously gain on us over the course of the season.


GMoney said...

I take serious offense with your claim that Akron is the worst team in the country, Drooler.

Anonymous said...

Even Akron could hang 30 on the Redskins.


Mr. Ace said...

Droucher, I say he gets rattled because he is a pussy. It's not a physical thing with him, it's mental. I will be very interested to see him step up in the pocket and throw off his "injured" knee if pressure comes up the middle. I think after he got dumped lady year and life flighted out Urban Meyer used the teem rattled several times in describing him. I think he gets rushed in guys reads and can make mistakes. Just seems like the game is much slower for Smooth Jazz.

Also LULZ at your "Fuckeye Super Team" overreaction!!! Week 3 is obvs the only week that should be considered when making up your B1G rankings.

GMoney said...

Miami is ranked last in FBS in total offense and total defense.


Anonymous said...

Ape...I said the best team in conference.....nothing about a super team. It is not a stretch to say that the Buckeyes are definitely the best in the conference. Michigan right now has zero good RBs and one good WR that is also a midget. Their DL also got three less sacks than James Madison did against Akron.


The Iceman said...

Sorry guys. Training a new hire today.

That read option play was working fucking great against Akron. Every time they needed a big play, that was what they went with. I just don't understand why you don't keep running that play until Akron proves they can stop it. That was my gripe.

Akronymous said...

LOLZ @ Michigan!

GMoney said...

I just don't understand why you don't keep running that play until Akron proves they can stop it.

This sentence makes me chortle hard. WE FOUND THE RECIPE TO BEAT THE ZIPS BUT WE WENT AWAY FROM IT!!!

Jeff said...

I tweeted about this on Saturday, but it's worth repeating. After Michigan scored late to take the lead, the announcers said "Did they leave too much time for Akron?" Gotta be the first time those words have ever been uttered.

Brady said...

It sure looked like Smooth Jazz had plenty of zip on his passes to the sideline and touch on the deep ones, Drew. I bet they are neck and neck when it comes to arm strength. I'm in no way saying that KG should start over Braxton. I just want them to be damn sure he is 100% before they throw him to the wolves again.

I think the unit that was overlooked was definitely the OL. Those guys were opening holes the size of trucks. It's nice to have a humongous and experienced OL. Those guys are fucking nasty.

I really thought BGSU would put up a better fight against Indiana. Oh well. The MAC is there for the taking this year.

GMoney said...

Opening up huge lanes against Cal is just a little less stupid than leaving too much time on the clock for Terry Bowden. Stop overreacting after every game, you dolts.

Cakes considers Florida A&M to be "the wolves". LOL!

Brady said...

There are only 13 games a year! I'll overreact if I damn well please!

I wasn't insinuating that Florida A&M were the "wolves". Wisky and the rest of the FORMIDABLE BIG TEN starts the next week. There's nothing wrong with letting Smooth Jazz house another opponent before Braxton gets back on the field.

I really like "Smooth Jazz" as a nickname. I can't stop saying/typing it. It truly is ELITE!

GMoney said...

Hey, dipshit, don't you want Glass Joe to get some rhythm back this week before a night game vs. Wiscy? Have you watched the Skins' offense? You don't want that.

Watch more football; throw less dinner parties for Iceman

Brady said...

I have to meet him for dinner so he can receive his ELITE dragon shirt. Might as well eat some chickens doused in garlic-parm sauce while we're there.

Braxton took some pretty big hits to cause those injuries. Any one of us mortal men would be dead by now. Give him some slack, brah!

I'm confident that the bucks offense can put up 40 no matter who is behind center. Let him heal.

GMoney said...

LOLOLOLOLOL at Milner getting hit hard.