Tuesday, September 10, 2013

College Football Week 2

"I will murder you and hate fuck your corpse in front of your entire family.  Fuck you."

Per request of the blogger owner I will ignore the injured pussy elephant in the room.  Every vagina has it's day and this is not that day.  So just know that any and all emission of "you know who" was done on purpose.  Instead we will focus our efforts into other things college football related.  Since I was straight blasted all Saturday tailgating for the Michigan Notre Dame game, I will focus most all of this post on the events that transpired.

Some dude in the group that followed us up there was blacked out by halftime.  They didn't have tickets to the game so they watched it at their tailgate spot and just fucking pounded booze.  He disappeared in the 3rd quarter and was still missing when me and my brother met back up with them after the game.  I did the right thing and kept drinking while everyone else looked for him.  Fuck him.  I don't know that dude and I wasn't the one wandering off shit faced.  Last I heard he may have been sleeping in a sand bunker.  Here we are three days later and I still don't know if he was found.  I'm pretty awesome at caring.

Speaking of ELITE caring...as Wheelz was about to pick all of our drunk asses up, I watched some guy pull another guy out of his car and proceeded to beat the fucking piss out of him.  I saw a cop on my way past and had this exchange:

Iceman: Yeah...I know you probably can't leave your post but there's a fight happening right over there.

Woman cop:  Does anyone have any knives or guns?

Ice:  Uhhhh...I don't think so.  I didn't get that close of a look.  And I'm pretty drunk.

WC:  Then I really don't care.  Let me know who wins.

Carry on.  Serve and protect.

Tommy Rees is forever LULZ.  Thomas...you should stick with what you do best.  Punching cops and drinking under age.  Because you sure as shit can't quarterback worth a piss.  Seriously.  Kill yourself.  It would save Brian Kelly a lot of time trying to conjure an alibi after he murders you like he did with that one kid with the video camera.  Ol' what's his name...

So there was this one peen sitting in front of us at the game.  I happened to lean in to get a good view of the play that was about to happen.  He turns around and says: "Could you please not lean into me?"  Hey.  Fuck face.  If you don't care to get nudged ever so slightly at a premier college football game during a pivotal play in a stadium with 120K, do us all a favor and be a total fucking tampon at home on your own time.  Newsflash, dick smack.  It's a sporting event.  You're going to get touched by someone.  So if you're like Howie Mandel and have this fucking weird thing about people being near you then don't drop $200 to be in a place that crams a shit ton of people in a relatively small space.  He was almost as bad as the Notre Dame fan behind me that only knew half of the words to the fight song but belted it out like he knew them all.

I can't believe how one dimensional Devin Gardner was for the second week in a row.  Good call on that one, Nate.  There were two really dumb throws from Gardner.  One, he was bailed out on because of a bogus PI call.  The other was downright repugnant and put Notre Dame right back in it on one of the dumbest pick sixes I've ever seen.  Other than those 2 plays he played fucking outstanding.  And props to Ace for his ELITE call on Jeremy Gallon being a God damn pimp this year.

Whoever played the chicken dance song on the loud speaker after the game was over...nice touch.  You deserve a raise.  Or if nothing else an under the table handy from Lane Kiffin's wife.

I heard Georgia/South Carolina was pretty good.  Good to see Aaron Murray not looking like Brandon Weeden RG3 for the second week in a row.  I wouldn't want MuDawg to attempt to eat a bullet.  As big of a penis he can be, he's really starting to grow on me.

USC dropping out of the top 25 just feels right.  Like a the way a really good pair of underwear fits.  Lane Kiffin is the white college version of Aviators Tomlin.  He can only win with someone else's players yet somehow is still considered by most as an ELITE coach.

At least someone can blow out Buffalo.  Tee hee.

Whoever picked Texas as a sleeper pick is a fucking dip shit.  My guess is Damman.  That's such a Damman pick.

When was the last time anyone in the NCAA checked the eligibility of Nathan Scheelhaase and Jared Abbrederis?  Are they on the Van Wilder college plan?  Seriously...these guys are the Brian Cardinals of college football and I fucking swear have been enrolled at IlliNOISE and Wisconsin for at least 7 years.

Those are the highlights, shit dicks.  Being in the atmosphere of that game was pretty fucking rad but I'm not sure I would want to do it again.  Especially with a night game.  I was pretty fucked up on the way in but sobered up by the 3rd quarter.  Then had to crush booze right after to get that buzz back.  There's nothing worse than slowly realizing during a football game that you are starting to become sober.  Now let's all laugh at G$ because Eagles > Redskins.  Oh...and Miley Cyrus has another music video out where she humps a wrecking ball completely naked while frenching a sledge hammer.  It's worth a watch.  Carry on, bitches!


Nate said...

Gardner had a good game and I'm willing to eat crow.

MuDawgFan said...

Iceman - is it hard to sneak liquor into the Big House? Usually you can pick up a couple of little bottles of rum or bourbon and get them in.

Add a couple to your ice cold coke and that party keeps going well past the Beyonce themed halftime show.

Mr. Ace said...

I will take those mad props. Thank you. I will also accept mad props for telling all you queers that Devin Gardner is the best QB in the B1G. Because that shit is happening.

Let's all remember that I predicted a 6 point victory for my Philadelphia Eagles last night. Motherfucker I am great.

I was in a wedding so I saw almost no football, other than the first 3 quarters of the ND game. I also saw the beginnings of my Da U upset pick. I look forward to not getting blacked this weekend so I can enjoy football properly.

The Iceman said...

It's been awhile since I've been to a college football game, Dawg. I couldnt remember how thorough the search was at the gate. And I just assumed for a game of this magnitude there would have been a more aggressive search. I was wrong and now I know for the future.

GMoney said...

I should probably address the red-skinned elephant in the room in my usual well-informed way since the mouthbreathers and classless seemed to take their joy out on Facebook like the pussies that they are. That made no sense but you're still a bunch of douche bags. Except for Grump who TOTES had the right to do that after Sunday.

*Chip's offense is pretty fun and should work as long as Vick stays healthy which he will not. I can't believe that there was an actual QB competition this year. There is no way that Foles or Bonerz could run that.
*This is not the kind of team that you want to play in week one with no film on them. But who cares about Philly?

*I didn't think that our defense played all that bad considering what they were working with and the amount of time that they spent on the field in the first half.
*DeAngelo Hall is still my least favorite player in Skins history even though he scored last night.
*What the fuck, Offense? I should have probably known that it would take a little time but god damn that was a lot of rust that needed to be shaken off. Once they did, they were fine, but the damage was already done.
*I was pleased that they kept fighting and had a chance at the end. I would have walked out at halftime.
*My Super Bowl pick is going to look absurd since I didn't factor in our apparent love of flags and turnovers.

I think that we will be fine (although Kerrigan's concussion is troubling). We're definitely not going to peak early. We will probably go down in Green Bay next week but with two winnable games heading into the week 5 bye, 2-2 would be OK and then we should be ready to roll with the offense. FUCK ALL YALL.

GMoney said...

I look forward to not getting blacked this weekend

Oh, you're getting blacked this weekend, faggot.

Anonymous said...

Texas was my OVERRATED pick so go fuck yourself.

Remember when the Browns almost had Chip Kelly? Yeah that would have been nice.


Anonymous said...

Remember when G$ made a serious Super Bowl prediction for the Redskins? If by super bowl, you mean competition for the worst team in the league so you can draft an un-injured, straight QB, then you were spot on.

Sorry I had to make a comment after that performance last night.


GMoney said...

Big ups to the USC fans for chanting "FIRE KIFFIN" as they lost at home to Mike Leach. Great work, people!

Mack Brown...YOU GONE! Of course BYU would have a QB first-named Taysom. That is just so fitting.

Ape can stuff his pride and joy up his ass because his LOCK of Oklahoma State was a trash pick. It was the ONLY game that I lost on Saturday because you failed to respect the genius of Larry Coker. I actually watched this. UTSA ain't bad!

How about those Ohio Buckeye fans that took to Facebook complaining/laughing at Gardner wearing #98 and having NO IDEA why that was such a big deal. I tell ya, these are the dumbest fans in the world. Love Michigan or not, Tom Harmon is a goddamn model American who should be celebrated more often. Freedom isn't free!

WE ON is starting 7-0 just as I called. And I have a hard time imagining that Sparty could beat them but they always play them tight. Where are my props!!!!

GMoney said...

Seal, WTF BRO? I'm not giving up after a rusty week one performance. You should with your team, but winners like me don't. Oh who am I kidding, I'm a loser, too.

My REDSKINS-COLORED GLASSES did not allow me to see that last night was way more likely to happen than us blowing their doors off which we will do in the return game once Vick and McCoy are hurt.

GMoney said...

Since we've got the "big" Ohio/Cal game this weekend, I'm working on getting Prime access to Urban Meyer's press conference call. We're all dying to know how Urb feels about Theo Epstein!

Nate said...

Just as I predicted, USC is toast this year.

9/21, Utah State comes to town and Keaton's Heisman campaign takes off.

Mr. Ace said...

I can't believe that my lock didn't hit. I had no idea that OSU would rollover in the 4th. Letting UTSA hang 28 on you in the 4th is bad.

G$, didn't you advise people to take ND +3.5?!?! LOLZ. U r full of lies.

And I agree with everything you said about the Eagles game. I would also like to point out that I said RG3 was not 100%. And I was totes right. Helu is going to lead the Skins in rushing this year.

GMoney said...

I did not make that pick. I recommended it, but that was before my money told me not to put it on Brian Kelly and Thomas Rees.

RG3 looked fine to me except for his mechanics being off. He ran well. It's going to take a little time. Hopefully not too long. But still...MOAR PAT NOT WHITE.

Of course you agree with everything I said because I am FAIR AND BALANCED and the internet's true authority when it comes to football insight and stunning good looks.

GMoney said...

By the way, WE ON'ERS, guess who is Mack Brown's new DC...

Greg "TURTLENECKS" Robinson!!!

Looks like I might be getting into the Red River Rivalry for dirt cheap after all!

The Iceman said...

Greg fucking Robinson. How does this guy still get work?

G$...I'll give you props when A) it happens and B) I get a blogger raise. Tap dancing for all these assholes once a week gets exhausting.

I was texting my brother about Deangelo Hall last night and came to this conclusion. My top 5 most hated players in the NFL are as follows:

DeSean Jackson
Mike Wallace

honorable mention to Jay Catler.

GMoney said...

That's a fine list and a pretty rock solid top 5. I was heartbroken when we resigned him.

Anonymous said...

I was really hoping that SDSU would score a filthy touchdown on their last drive to cost G$ scrilla for the second week in a row, but alas the Buckeyes had to cover.

Kenny G for Heisman!

Gardner was indeed excellent besides the two throws that Iceman mentioned. The end zone throw had me LOLZing, but they won so whatever.

Gallon was good as well, but he would be a non-factor against the best CB in the nation Bradley Roby.

I'm interested to see what our Cal beat reporter comes up with this week.

How about Mack Brown hiring Greg "stuffed animal" Robinson to be the DC at Texas? Holy shit is Mack stealing money right now, or what?

Raise your hand if you thought Kiffen would be a good coach at USC? Yeah..nobody raised their hand. What a great hire.


GMoney said...

Can Drew not read? What a Drewser.

Anonymous said...

Read what?

Prime99 said...

So far, here's what I've found out this week:

- Urb's hair smells like strawberries.
- Urb wishes he was as awesome as Chip Kelly.
- Cal considers covering their version of a victory.
- All Golden Bears are hermaphrodites.
- Braxton Miller is in hermaphrodite heaven.
- Berkeley is filled with tons of hippies and rich whites. Strange ecosystem down there.

GMoney said...

Pretty much everything you commented about was already discussed and you offered nothing new or you were asked to hold off on. Everybody hates you.

Urb uses Pert Plus. SPOILER.

Anonymous said...

Nah...not really. Miami of Ohio and Washington....DEFEATED...LOLZ! Ohio State and Detroit Lions...UNDEFEATED.

I win...you lose.


Prime99 said...

Urb actually uses Herbal Essences For Men. He uses Candy Lineup flavored Axe body spray.

Grumpy said...

Sorry I'm late to the party today. A little outpatient surgery this morning (penile implant)and then had to try it out. Video to follow.

Iceman's complaints about the seating at The Big House are well founded. While most stadiums allow 20"-22" per seat, Michigan's seats are 16" wide in the student section and 18"wide elsewhere. That's how they stuff so many people in there.

I've been there 3 times and your knees are always in the back of the person in front of you and the knees of the person behind you are always in your back. Also, you must sit with your arms drawn in and your elbows on your knees. Place just sucks when it comes to comfort.

GMoney said...

Place just sucks when it comes to allowing Iceman to enter.

One last thing about the Eagles: I still don't understand why they drafted Bonerz Barkley. How the fuck could he possibly run that offense ever? "The Chip Kelly Offense" is about to become the new Tim Tebow when it comes to media coverage. Fuck him.

Don't worry, Drewser, we'll kick your ass on 9/22 to prove that you're the biggest Drewser.

Urban Meyer Uses Herbal Essences would make a great sign for GameDay. Not as good as "HI LIZZY SEEBURG" from this week, but still damn good.

The Iceman said...

I'm 1-0 in the MSFL. That's big news. Despite a herculean effort from Andre Johnson last night I still managed to comeo out on top. Suck it, Nate!

The Iceman said...

And my supervisor was here all day. Makes commenting pretty hard when you have an authority figure always looming.

GMoney said...

Is Tonya your boss still? Because she sucks cocks.

The Iceman said...

She is not. Thank God. I would have blown my brains out by now.

Tonya said...

I hate you both.

GMoney said...