Tuesday, September 03, 2013

College Football Week 1

Hey guy in the red...can you see Braxton Miller's pussy from there?

Can you smell that boys?  College football is finally back and I think I speak for everyone when I say thank fucking God.  I'm not sure how many more throw away posts I had left in me.  I'm still working off the destruction I did to my body over the weekend and it's been a slow process.  I'll need to heal fast though because Wheelz bought me tickets 6 fucking rows from the field for this weekend's Michigan/Notre Dame game.  I guess she can stay.  And no...I'm still not cleaning the fucking attic so don't ask.  Let's dive right in to this past week's action.

It was good to finally see Michigan kick the fucking shit out of someone in their opening game.  Maybe I'm just making this up but it seems like they struggle every year in the opening game.  Gardner made some questionable throws that resulted in a couple of picks but at the end of the day I can't argue with completing 67% of his passes and accounting for 3 scores.  Not great but also not bad.  He does need to get better though because Notre Dame isn't Central Michigan.

My favorite part of the Iowa/Northern IlliNOISE game is when the announcer talked about how Jake Rudock had played mistake free football all day literally two seconds before Rudock threw a pick that ended the game.  My second favorite part was the shot of Ferentz surrounded by uniformed cops after the game winning field goal like he was about to paint the stadium with his brain matter.  It's so much fun to watch the Hawkeyes implode.

Remember how all of the Ohio Buckeye blowhards wouldn't stop flapping their mouth pussies last week about how Braxton Miller is on a different level than Devin Gardner?  I wonder how they feel knowing that Gardner outplayed Miller week one.  And remember how Nate was sooooooo concerned with Gardner being one dimensional?  LOL.  My favorite part of that game was the 4 text messages I received from 4 different Buckeye fans boasting about how "good" they looked after going up 16-0.  Then Buffalo decided to start playing, closed the gap...and I know this will shock you fucking stupid...the texts stopped shortly after that.  A hilario defense is a very powerful and effective muzzle even for the fuckiest of fuckeye fans.  Those dildos are entertaining if nothing else.  Speaking of losers...

Flexing the muscles on a bottom feeder division I team by going for 2 on your first two scores of the season, eh URBZ?  Way to prove your dominance!  That cocksucker would steamroll his own nephew at home plate in a family co-ed softball game if given the chance.  What I'm looking forward to today in the comments is having the pleasure to read all the Fuckeyes defending such a classless move.

Hey everyone!  Johnny Fuckface is up to his old tricks again!  Nothing says Heisman like taunting a team that's barely division I while pointing to the scoreboard.  "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD MY LIFE IS MAN!!"  Seriously...fuck this guy so hard.  And the last time I checked...when you give up 31 points to the fucking Rice Owls, taunting them makes you look very twatty.

Nebraska getting beat by Wyoming would have made my weekend.  But alas, Nebraska pulls another out of their hairy rectum last second against what will surely be a pretty awful Wyoming team.  I really hate Nebraska a lot.  Almost as much as I hate Sparty and Ohio.  And Taylor Martinez looks like he wets the bed.

That Georgia Clemson game was the tits.  Tajh Boyd looked like the best quarterback in the country Saturday night while Aaron Murray looked pretty LOL.  Dude SUX.  I was pretty sauced by the end of this game so I can't really talk too much about what happened.  I just know I liked what I saw and it was easily the best game of the weekend.  Then I blacked out.

My boy Casey Pachall is back!  I have no idea why TCU decided to give this guy another chance but it was probably the smartest decision in the history of college football.  I have no idea why I like Pachall so much.  Probably because his life is complete fucking disaster and he continues to do dumb shit.  Or maybe it's because of this picture.  I can promise you one thing...it certainly has nothing do to with his play on the field.  He is a terrible, terrible quarterback.  Partying with Pachall remains atop of my bucket list.

Alright penis wrinkles.  That's my time here today.  Make sure we all take turns laughing at Urban's decision to drop the 2 point conversion hammer on a 6th grade football team TWICE.  And let's also count how many times Ohio fans pump up Khalil Mack in the comments so they can justify Miller throwing a pick 6 to him.  Should be a hoot.


Nate said...

Joe Bauserman beating up on the Akron Zips taught me everything I need to know about putting value into opening week MAC games.

I am surprised though the Chips managed to pick off UM's quarterbacks three times.

The matchup against Notre Dame should be interesting this weekend. Gardner's stat line will probably look something like this:

19-35, 315 yards, 2 TD, 3 INT, 15 carries, 20 yards, 0 TD

Nate said...

By the way, big props to commentator Drew for his pick of Jamies Winston as breakout player this year.

Kid was on fire last night.

Mr. Ace said...

Mother of god. Nate wants to be the new Drew sooooooo bad.

Gardner had happy feet early, but settled down and did what he was supposed to; blow out a shit MAC team.

My Florida/UT OVER PICK WAS ASS! But I think it showed that Floridas offense is still terrible. Miami as home dogs looks very intriguing right now.

The Fuckeyes didn't look like a Top 15 team Saturday. Good thing that schedule is full of cupcakes this year.

I passed out at 6:30 Saturday and did not wake until 8 am the next morning. Drunk.

The Iceman said...

I think what Nate is trying to say is that Joey Ballgame would have never thrown a pick 6 against Buffalo. I agree, Nate.

So Braxton Miller is just waiting until next week to show that massive passing improvement you all swore was happening this year? Things to watch for next weekend. Giddy.

Anonymous said...

Baby Buke and I were going to buy 8 reserve tickets for the BCS game. Then the 2nd quarter happened. Yikes.

My breakout player was PSUs qb. He had a decent game for his first time out.


GMoney said...

Jameis Winston is the GOAT. He's like Terrelle Pryor if Pryor could throw and had good mechanics and arm STREMPH!

I'll say it: Khalil Mack was the best player on the field Saturday at The Horseshit. FACT. He made Taylor Decker his bitch for 60 minutes. That guy (Decker) is not very good. Good job getting outplayed by Buffalo for the final 45 minutes though. Nice non-cover, fuckers.

I'll say it again: I'm on hashtag Team Johnny Football. I LOVED the scoreboard point. It reminded me of Vinny Prospal doing that to the inferior Red Wings this year in one of the games that we never lost.

I got slaughtered on Saturday. NOT GOOD. Ape's advice and my intuition need some work.

Mr. Ace said...

I pulled myself back up by the being bootstraps by being on Louisville and FSU to close out the weekend. I still feel like Cal was a sound pick, sometimes the other team just gets the bounces.

I was with Johnny Football until the whole coach bump thing. I don't even think he did it on purpose, but you don't walk away from your coach like that.

Nate said...

I'm willing to admit Mack was the best player on the field.

Mack would have eaten Bauserman alive on the first play and pooped him out on the second.

Braxton has better passing mechanics than last year, but he is and always will be a run-first quarterback. Most of his rushing came in the second half when the coaches loosened up the playcalling.

Again, not putting too much stock into a MAC opener, as you really have no idea how much of the playbook the coaches are really opening up.

Anonymous said...

Facepalm on how fucking stupid Iceman is.

Seriously...Iceman how is it "classless" to go for two point conversions in the FIRST QUARTER? I can see that argument when up 50 in the fourth, but you should probably talk to the football Gods if you think going for two in the first quarter is classless. You are incredibly stupid. Not to mention that both of them were in the swinging gate formation, which means they could also just choose to kick the ball. This is something that every team is going to have to look out for for the rest of the season now.

Iceman probably thinks when top three basketball teams play cupcakes that in the first five minutes of the game, they shouldn't throw alley-oops....and instead there should be at least 5 passes before someone takes a shot. Might be one of your dumbest thoughts ever and that's an impressive feat.

I did call Jameis Winston as the breakout player of the year....SUCK ON MY BALLS.

I also called for Ferentz to be fired...unfortunately, I found out that his buyout is currently at $18M....OOPS/LOLZ. He ain't going anywhere...Iowa's AD must be dumber than Gene Smiff to put Ferentz under that contract.

Sounds like the Buckeyes lost G$ some scrilla...that makes me happy.


Grumpy said...

Jameis Winston can play for my team. Actually, anybody could play for my team. #firetreadwellnow

GMoney said...

Grump, we played well in the first half. I ripped through three free shots at halftime for being the hottest guy at the dankest bar and I don't remember what happened in the second half. We suck all the dicks.

I consider Braxton to be a "pass first running back". Count it.

It's amazing that Winston is already ten times the player that Miller could ever hope to be.

Alex Nuetz = best name ever

GMoney said...

I assume that Jeff is back from his honeymoon now so WAY TO DEFEND THE ROCK BRAH!

When UGA loses again this week, I will officially have nailed my most OVERRATED call. Deal with it.

Jeff said...

The Clemson FSU game can't come soon enough. Pitt is shit, though. Good thing the UGA players felt the need to taught us running down the hill. That worked out well. Almost as well as faking injuries to stop Tajh and Co. LOLZ

Anonymous said...

Drew, going for two on two consecutive possessions/touchdowns against a shit second rate school is completely classless. I can admit that, and I actually facebooked that immediately. However, I fucking loved it.

Khalil Mack was a fucking beast. I was unaware of his stats last year as well. He will be an UNDERRATED NFL prospect.


Nate said...

If you can get it, why wouldn't you go for two early in the game?

If Lloyd Carr knew he could go back in time and go for two on the first few TD's against Appy State, do you think he would have done it?

Football evolves as coaches find more ways to be competitive and use the rules to their favor.

I'm surprised there's not already a coach out there who A.) lines up in the Muddle Huddle as a base XP unit and B.) isn't afraid to go for two out of it a good portion of the time. It's easily executable and even easier to identify the defense's weak spot before the ball is snapped.

Anonymous said...

Exactly Nate. There was a point a year or two ago where Oregon did it after every first touchdown for 6 or 7 games. It's not classless...it's fucking football. You have the option of going for one or two points...they went for two and got them and went up 16-0. This wasn't deciding whether to be up 49 or 50...it was the first quarter. I think we will see this almost every first quarter this year as it's something that every team now has to prepare for...you can't just throw your kick unit out there. You shouldn't be allowed to go for two in the first quarter of football games if it's "classless". If you feel you can get them, then you need to do it...the goal is to score as many points as possible and maximizing your opportunities.


GMoney said...

LOLOLOLOLOL at people who call it the swinging gate and not the correct term of "muddle huddle".

I have no problem with going for two against anyone as long as it isn't a cocksucker move. But if you're going for two then you better COVER THE FUCKING SPREAD. Vegas said that you were over five touchdowns better than the 8th best MAC team. You said, "no way, we're only three scores better than the 8th best MAC team". Get fucked. And now you play a team that got drilled by Eastern Illinois at home last week. Ugh.

Wait a minute--Lloyd Carr has a time machine?

Anonymous said...

I love it when the Buckeyes cost G$ his cash!


GMoney said...

Does it matter that it was just money I made last year off of Urban? Did your head just explode? It's early and that cocksucker knows that he's going to need to run it up in the future because you aren't playing for a title if you can't beat Buffalo impressively. There will still be cash to be made on Ohio Buckeye Football.

Anonymous said...

When Oregon goes for two all the time it's innovative, when Ohio state does it it's bush league. OK.

Khalil Mack would be our best player. FACT. That dude is a beast. I don't understand how a guy with that level of talent could slip through the cracks and wind up at buffalo. He must be on steroids.

Devin Gardner is better than Braxton miller because he completed 67% of his passes against a directional Michigan school? OK. "May the forcier be with you." Never forget.

Ohio state is only favored by 28 this weekend. This SHOULD be a lock. Osu gets players back and sdsu is apparently awful. Sdsu also doesn't have Khalil Mack.


GMoney said...

But they still have Hokester players!

By the way, if you want to go back to talking about relevancy, if Beth Mowins and Joe Galloway are broadcasting your games then no one cares about you. God, they're awful.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to make of this SDSU team, as they were supposed to be mediocre at worst. They had a good record last year and returned most of the team. But, if you get bitch slapped by Eastern Illinois...then you are well below mediocre. Odd.


Nate said...

I've never bet money on sports before.

Hearing that the spread is only 28, makes me want to put money on the OSU game immediately.

Any help from the resident gamblers would be appreciated as to how to get started for the first time.


MuDawgFan said...

Jeff - that player is injured and probably will sit out this week.

Here's the slow-mo video of him getting hit in the dick by the Clemson RB's foot after he dodged a block.


GMoney said...

Nate, I couldn't recommend wagering on football (and NHL All Star Games) any more! It's exhilirating. As long as you have self-control, you won't get into any trouble with shady characters/debt. I'm not sure what sites offer what these days as I think I was grandfathered into my Costa Rican site so maybe Ape will have better manswers for you.

Mr. Ace said...

I am on bookmaker.eu and bovada.lv. Both obvs US friendly sites. I SKRONGLY suggest being on two sites because is are different dependingon site. For example, last night bovada had FSU -11.5 and bookmaker had them -10. YUGE difference. And I recommend Bookmaker most because they are well known and have some of the earliest lines. They are also the first to adjust to being trends. Having an account with them can give you an advantage being at other sites.

And I will turn u in for tax fraud.

GMoney said...

By the way, I'm all for FCS teams beating FBS teams. Name one thing better than some asshole team trying to get a cheap win only to have their seasons trounced in week one with a loss to Fudgepacker State.

Prime99 said...

I SKRONGLY think Johnny Football is a dick face. He's pulling a Ryan Braun rubbing the NCAA's face in the mud so his fall will be worse later. That will be fun.

Cal is not good. Don't bet on them.

That Bridgewater fella is very good. Fun to watch.

Drew, poor form admitting that something you said was wrong. You've never done it before, so don't start now. Bad predictions with zero accountability is your game and I expect you to ball much harder on that in the future.

Nate said...

Ace (Rothstein),

Thanks for the info.

The Iceman said...

"Drew, going for two on two consecutive possessions/touchdowns against a shit second rate school is completely classless"

LOL. A guy who loves the Buckeyes as much as Drew doesn't even agree with him. Good call, Aguado!

It was a bully move, Drew. Buffalo is a terrible team and a mid major tune up game. Of COURSE they can score 2 point conversions at will so why even do it? It's like playing 12 year olds in basketball on an 8 foot rim and issuing posterizing dunks all game. We know you can dunk on an 8 foot rim over kids a quarter of your age...what are you trying to prove by doing it?

GMoney said...

Of course you would like for them to save those plays for games that matter but Buffalo is probably the best team on your schedule this year so it's fair game.

No wonder, Smiff and Urb are getting rid of MAC teams...we're too good (Miami excluded because we're bad).

Anonymous said...

Iceman...you are setting it up for future opponents and practicing it. Like I said...last year when Michigan played scrub teams in basketball did you want them to make sure they had five passes every possession before taking a shot? Because, that's basically what you are saying.

If they do it almost every game, like Oregon....is it just "classless" when they do it against the scrub teams and then not "classless" when they are good teams? Because, that makes zero sense.

Also, way to use Ide as an example. You should accept you were wrong on this now.

Prime...go chug a cock.

G$...not that it would have made the schedule a ton better, but you can thank Vanderbilt for being a pussy and buying out of their matchup in Columbus for Buffalo being on the schedule last week.


GMoney said...

Way to make excuses. I'm sure that Florida A&M is on the schedule because the Green Bay Packers backed out of a home and home. Pussy.

But you aren't nearly as annoying as Iceman who is in full blown participation ribbon mode today. Going for two in the first quarter of the first game isn't wrong. Had Lloyd "Time Machine" Carr done that against Appy State then maybe you don't lose to them. No, you would have lost anyway.


Brady said...

I have no time to read the comments so I'll juust throw in my two cents real quick.

- Buckeyes defense scares me going forward. We only have two returning starters from last year. They are going to have to pick it up or somebody is going to bite us in the ass when the offense can't outscore the opponent.

- Iceman trying to troll buckeye fans by saying Gardner "outplayed" MIller is pretty funny. Dude had one more pick than Braxton but ran for one more TD on the ground. MIller had about a 30-40 yard advantage in total yards. If anything, that's a wash. Keep up the good fight though, Iceman.

- Celmson looks like the real deal. If they can avoid the "I can't get out of my own way" game, I think they could make a run.

- Michigan fans are on their high horse like they just took down Bama or something. Can't wait for the game this weekend. If ND can pull the upset, it will be the greatest day on Facebook/Twitter ever.

- I will literally watch ANY football right now. I tuned in to the WHOLE second half of Louisville/Ohio the other day. It was 44-3 at one point.

GMoney said...

Yeah, Cakes, I thought that your defense would be better considering URB OWNS ALL TALENT. They were very meh. No pressure at all.

Nate said...

I would expect very little pressure as well when the offense is running one and three step drop passes most of the game.

That, and OSU is running a soft underneath zone to prevent big plays.

GMoney said...

Church it up however you want to, Joe Deeeeer-taaaaaay, but that defense sucked. It's probably because Luke Fickell is awful.

Anonymous said...

So, Iceman has Ide in his corner on the 2-pt conversions thing and I've got the great G$ and Nate.

I win. Iceman loses.


The Iceman said...

Might as well cut the kicker, save the scholly for someone else and go for 2 every time, Drew.

Anonymous said...

Woah. I never said I was against it, just that it was classless.


Anonymous said...

"Might as well cut the kicker, save the scholly for someone else and go for 2 every time, Drew."

This might be the dumbest thing I've ever read. Well done.


GMoney said...

Milius is going to kick your ass for disrespecting special teams like that.