Friday, August 09, 2013

Welcome To Iceman's Blogger Shower

Child molester
Well, the day has finally arrived. At least it will tomorrow. If Rob Van Dam is known as “Mr. Monday Night” then Iceman is probably our “Mr. Tuesday Morning” and in about 24 hours, he will officially become Mrs. Wheelz* (although I’m rooting for him to get left at the altar). It’s nice to see two people make it after meeting on BlackPeopleMeet.com. Now usually, when one of us gets hitched, I will provide a long-winded post about how awful it is to be married but I have very little to add this time around that hasn’t already been said. Recently, I have been in the same room while She$ pours through shitty episode after shitty episode of poop-tastic shows like America’s Got Talent (they do not) and Guiliana and Bill (the worst show ever). She has broken my spirit. Seriously, what is the point of Nick Cannon? What does he do? His existence pisses me off so much. Nick Cannon is worse than Mario Lopez blowing Nick Lachey.

*Initially, my goal was to ask Wheelz to write this post and scaring us all with stories of what it is like to live with Iceman. It was a GREAT idea. But since we have never been properly introduced and I’m lazy, I refrained from asking. Just know that had I pulled this off and secretly joined forces with the bride to verbally murder the groom, it would have been ELITE.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Iceman’s wedding! Damman, myself, and (barring a very minor rise in central Ohio pollen levels) Ide will be high-tailing it up to Toledo tomorrow morning in an effort to make the ceremony. I’m even going to weasel my way into officiating somehow. So you have that to look forward to. If you hear someone in the back of the church making loud references to “spear throwing” then you know that we made it. I am pretty pumped that TMS has their own table at the reception. Is Grump still coming? I feel like he is going to sucker-punch Cakes at some point. Hell, I’m rooting for it.

Oh! Here’s a tip: OBVZ you are going to want to spend the entire evening at our table but it won’t happen. If anything, you’ll be lucky to talk shit to us for more than a few minutes. People will be pulling you in different directions all night. Make sure that you don’t forget to get hammered. That is key. It makes dealing with all of the stupidity of a reception (especially your family) that much easier. Anyway, your wedding post for the day can best be described as a “Blogger Shower”. It’s like a bridal shower except there will be unlimited ribs, casual racism, and fake presents!

If you recall, everyone was told yesterday that they had to get you something. I assume that everyone considered “a clue” or “writing ability” but I went above and beyond. Since I am the host of this event, my gift bag is OBVZ and TOTES the best. Here is what I included:

*A DVD of Bob Vila’s “How To Properly Clean An Attic in 410 Simple Back-Breaking Steps”
*A Greg Robinson game-worn piss yellow mock turtleneck
*The Complete Mark Jackson Dictionary
*A John Beilein light switch (must always be turned ON/unable to be in the OFF position)
*A jar of Mike Holmgren’s breath
*The MLB Extra Innings Package
*Unlimited FacePrime
*A Philip Rivers blow-up doll
*A guest pass to the NHS Dungeon/Weight Room (current temperature: 148 degrees)
*Bottled TRANSCENDENCE

And finally…

*an mp3 of “Mother” by the great Danzig but the lyrics have been replaced with the sounds of Dana Jacobsen having an orgasm

I’ve read your letters to Santa (sent last week)! I know that you have been asking for that last one for decades! Let’s see what everyone else got you now while I polish off my third rack of baby backs. This might be the best Blogger Shower ever.

Sunday also marks the return of the best show on TV, Breaking Bad, for the final 8 episodes of the series. So sad. I love this show. I always will. Cranston is the GOAT. I wish that my chemistry teacher in high school was a secret meth kingpin. But Fortkamp was definitely too lazy to do that. He was like a cross between Ron Swanson and the guy on the couch in Half Baked. He was the best. HOLY SHIT, he is a high school principal now! That school has to be anarchy. Anyway, we will be talking about Breaking Bad every Monday afternoon for the next two months and I will start the discussion. Please make a note of it.

Best of luck this weekend, Mr. Tuesday Morning. You guys have big shoes to fill after the ELITEness of the Bros Strut weddings earlier this year (Daniel’s worst-man non-speech and the family nuclear war). If you want to top those, you might need to invite the Bloods and Crips. See you tomorrow. Congrats.

26 comments:

Grumpy said...

I got a 12" strap-on for the bride to use on Iceman when he displeases her, which I hope is often.

Anonymous said...

Those shoulder star tattoos must be regretful.

--Drew

Anonymous said...

Clearly inspired by the lead singer of Crazytown.

Ide

Grumpy said...

http://www.13abc.com/story/23087470/stevie-beale-vows-to-walk-on-her-wedding-day

GMoney said...

I read that this morning, Grump. That's going to be one hell of a scene. Iceman's presence will definitely ruin the moment though. But I like where your head is at by implying that he enjoys getting pegged.

He is a closet Cowboys fan who obvz loves Crazytown. He's yo butta-fly, suga baby!

Prime99 said...

The Danzig/Dana Jacobsen item made me LOL. That's a damn fine terrible gift.

Congrats to Iceman and Wheelz! After reading that heart warming article I could only think, "why won't that asshole clean the attic?"

Prime99 said...

I am uncertain which tattoo is worse, Iceman's Crazytown stars or Ide's scripty tat on his back that reads, "Wears high heels when she exercises, ain't that beautiful?"

The Iceman said...

Clearly the stars mean I'm decorated military. Didn't you guys ever watch A Few Good Men?

Well boys, the big day is here. That bag of gifts was incredibly generous. I think the most useful gift will be the jar of Mike Holmgren's breath. I can inhale some every time Brandon Weeden throws a back breaking pick (although he didn't look bad last night...STOP IT! DON'T BE CAKES! WEEDEN FUCKING SUCKS!). Hope there's free refills on that.

Just to fill everyone in...there will be a potential for fireworks at the wedding although I'm keeping my fingers crossed for calm waters. Side note: Future advice for all you grooms to be out there. Elope. I'm fucking serious as shit. Planning a wedding is giving me gray ball hair. Everyone is a whiney cunt and thinks they're entitled to something. I mean...I was never going to cater to any of it. It's just fucking annoying to hear. Do yourself a favor, say FTW and use the money you were going to use on your wedding and fly somewhere warm and very fucking far away from everyone. That way no one can afford to follow you to potentially bitch about something you shouldn't be forced to care about. Seriously...elope.

So the potential fireworks. Last Sunday Wheelz awesome dad came over. And by awesome I mean King of the Dick Scabs. He came over to discuss a subject that didn't need to be talked about a week before his daughter was about to get married. Money. I won't get into the details about it but at the end of the conversation it was clear he wasn't getting what he wanted. So out of rage his response was "I'll let you know next week if I even plan on showing up Saturday" and stormed out like a fucking 9 year old. My father in law, ladies and gentlemen. So she made the ELITE decision to remove him from his fatherly duties of that day...and deservedly so in my opinion. Now Wheelz is getting bombarded by his 5 sisters telling her how big of a mistake she's making. One even left her a FOUR MINUTE VOICEMAIL yesterday. Four minutes of fucking mouth blab spewing complete nonsense. So as of now Wheelz is sticking to her gunz and allowing him to be there but just as a guest, essentially. If she remains steadfast with this decision I'm certain one of his bitchy, mouthy sisters will confront her about it at the ceremony tomorrow. And that would be a poor decision on their part since I'm already seething about how fucking annoying this whole process has been.

GMoney said...

After reading that heart warming article I could only think, "why won't that asshole clean the attic?"

Needed to be repeated.

By the way, I have the greatest card that you will get tomorrow. Whenever you open the gifts/cards, it will bring the house down bigger than a Rex Grossman deep ball. It is one of the most ELITE purchases that I've ever made. No guff.

GMoney said...

It sounds like Ide might have some competition for "Worst Guest". This may end up better than a Strut wedding after all!

Brady said...

That was an amazing bag of gifts, G$. How am I supposed to top that? I won't even try.

I'll just give you 2-3 devastating browns losses that should've been wins but were somehow choked away by Weeded. Am I a Weeden supporter all of a sudden? Why would you think that? I'm punching you in the dick when I see you tonight.


By the way, I took Stevies comment about groomsmen being "too drunk to walk down the aisle" in that story as an open invitation to get hammered.

Mr. Ace said...

Ice, so does that open the door for Grump? He can hand over your lovely bride and provide security. And maybe she doesnt want you to so this so you aren't, but I would personally set a very strong fuxking tone of "I WILL MURDER YOU IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT FUXKING UP ANYTHING". Have Grumpy flash his gun or something.

I will be getting you a can of bear mace, a handle of rumplemintzzz and a gallon of watermelon pucker. A Denard dreadlock. A pair of LA Gears. And best of all, a shootout/hotshot/pop a shot mini hoop because I know that is where your true passion lies. Make it rain.

GMoney said...

Ooooooh, the Pop-A-Shot is a clutch gift.

Cakes, she went public with her desires to see you with a BAL of at least .30. She's calling you out.

It's going to be awesome when the Skins deal the great Kirk Cousins for a first round pick and more next year.

You can't spell part of ELITE without Pat White.

The Iceman said...

Ide should consider himself lucky. Tonya is sitting at the Money Shot table and her original date was a black man. Of course I was sitting him next to Ide with instructions to flirt heavily with him. Unfortunately he was in a car accident...or arrested...of having unprotected sex with white girls and couldn't make it. Whatever happened he couldn't make it. So I'll have to find another black person there to try and get a Riley Cooper reaction out of him.

Anonymous said...

I fully intend on polishing off a sixer of tall boys on the way up.

Ide

The Iceman said...

Cakes is TOTES a Weeden supporter. Anyone with such a massive Ryan Raburn crush has to be Weeden's #1 fan.

Pop-a-shot would be so fine. I would have everyone over for tournaments. Loser of each round does a shot of Rumplemintz. We play until the bottle is gone.

I was happy to see Pat White back in the NFL last night. I was even more excited to see PW5 on the Pigskins. Who needs the Sex Cannon??

Apparently Kosar was shit talking Kellen Clemens last night about how terrible of a QB he is. Kinda like how Kosar's daughter is terrible at not being a whore.

GMoney said...

Whoa! Sex Cannon led a dynamic touchdown drive as well last night. Our offense is an embarrassment of riches.

By the way, Jake Locker is fucking terrible. He played the entire first half of the first preseason game. That is how bad he is.

Jon Gruden wants to have unprotected butt love with Dane Sanzenbacher.

Tonya is coming dateless because she wants to have a makeout party with TMS table. Very transparent.

Cakes/Ice, were you on TV last night? Can Dan Cummins (I assume) pencil in another local Emmy for fine journalism?

Anonymous said...

Is anyone bringing an N64? Weren't we supposed to do some huge Goldeneye tournament. That is literally the only reason I have for coming.

Ide

The Iceman said...

One of my favorite tweets from last night from Unsilent:

@Unsilent: Theismann just compared an undersized fifth string white receiver to Danny Amendola and Wes Welker. Drink until you die.

The Browns will offer you 2 future first round picks for Cousins.

GMoney said...

Ol' Stink Schlereth said on Sportscenter last night that Counsin(t)s would start for 10 teams right now. He didn't drop any "yo yo yos" though out of respect for former partner Mike Hill.

By the way, it is only an mp3 of the Jacobsen orgasm because human eyes are not designed to view actual footage of Dana ramming a bottle of Grey Goose into her while screaming about Notre Dame.

Brady said...

I wasn't on TV last night but assume I'll be the focal point for the "after wedding" update. My wife DVR'd it but I didn't get around to watching it because preseason football.

I did read the article though. It was inspirational and all but Iceman was a total fraud. I compared his sweet and tender quotes in the piece to my text message thread and the two didn't match up.

It did say that there would be a follow-up after the wedding so I assume the local media will be descending upon the train station tomorrow. Put on your Sunday best, boys! Your face may appear for a millisecond on local Toledo television! I've been waiting for this day. This is how I'll be discovered.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to show my dick.

Ide

GMoney said...

Yeah, those Iceman quotes really ruined the piece for me.

The Iceman said...

I'm a quote machine. I know how to feed the media beast. I'll make sure you guys get face time...well dick time for Ide.

GMoney said...

I would prefer FacePrime. He needs to know that True Lies will forever be better than Total Recall.

Prime99 said...

Ha! But Predator is the best. DO IT NOW!