Monday, August 12, 2013

Wedding Fallout and Straight Shooters

Comb and buttons?  Never heard of 'em!
Well, Iceman's wedding has come and gone and it was as enjoyable as you would have expected it to be.  The beer flowed like wine. Tonya made her presence known.  Ide was Ide.  If you have had the displeasure of meeting him then you know what that means.  There was a lot of great football talk.  Here are some notable storylines from the event:

*So Ide was supposed to fly into Columbus on Friday.  Guess who missed his flight?  Of course he did because this guy just can't stop shooting himself in the foot when it comes to blog events.  But he was able to fly into Detroit instead so no harm there.  Man, it would have been great to rip him for not showing up.
*Wheelz reached her goal and walked down the aisle.  It was really, really cool to see that.  There was a moment where she stopped and it was unclear what was going on but it was simply to ask her dad to pull her dress up as she apparently was a few steps away from turning that wedding from a G rating to an R.  That was funny.
*They got married.  In what can only be described as the greatest trolling a groom has ever done, they walked out of the ceremony to Train's Soul Sister.  When you use your wedding to make fun of a guy that you met on the internet, well, that defines ELITE. 
*That Tonya is a real sassy broad.  I like her.  She's a straight shooter.  I don't know if she has always had that personality or if we help bring it out of her, but she is most definitely a Money Shot quality person.  I feel like she was talking about getting Eiffel Towered for at least six hours.  That might not be a compliment.
*I innocently asked her how old she was.  She told me to guess.  I guessed 39.  Damman guessed 38.  She is younger than I am.  Yeah, don't ever ask a woman how old she is.  Sorry about that.
*Iceman's older bro dropped a shit AND a fuck in his best man speech.  It was terrific.
*We missed you, Grump.
*My musical request of Walk The Dinosaur was played.  It was a huge hit as I expected it to be.  Oh, Ice and Wheelz did their first dance to an original recording from Prime.  You know, for two people who have never met, those two guys sure do have a lot of tender but angry sex with each other.  Good work, though, Prime.
*Cakes was there.  He was his usual enjoyable self.  We met Mrs Cakes who is a peach.  Fine people, those Cakes's's's's.
*Tonya spent the last few hours trying to figure out what makes Ide tick.  What a waste of time.  She seems to be fascinated by his persona.  We kept telling her not to be. Then Ide's mom picked him up in a minivan.  For some reason, I found this very amusing.

That's about all that I can remember.  It was fun.  My body is paying for it today.  Congrats again, BRAH!  I hope that you enjoyed my shirtless David Hasselhoff card.

For a quick sports topic today, what does everyone think about this hilarious Bernie Kosar/Jeff Fisher beef?  The FACT that these two are pissed off at each other in 2013 is major LULZ.  If you were unaware, Bernie stays sober long enough to do color commentary for Browns preseason games and he is pretty terrible at this job.  He spent a good chunk of Thursday's tilt with the Rams ripping the STL back-ups to shreds.  He didn't really say anything wrong, per se, as Kellen Clemens does suck and receivers that drop passes in meaningless games are going to get cut, but should he be that brutally honest?  We were listening to Munch (worst radio host ever) on 850 during the drive back yesterday and some genius caller chimed in by saying that Kosar shouldn't be criticizing anyone since his daughter (Lexxi Silver) does porn.  I have no idea what that even means but let's just go ahead and say that that guy is the dumbest person on the planet.  It also appears that Lexxi Silver works almost exclusively with Mofos Network.  Knowledge bomb!

I think that I'm OK with Bernie being a straight shooter on the air though.  Preseason games are boring as fuck anyway.  You might as well have someone up there telling it like it is.  Plus, I want some pissed off player to call him out for being a drunk and a waste of life.

The Yankees took 2 of 3 from the Pussies because we're better.  Someone won the PGA although the real winner was the guy who yelled ICEMAN when Jason Dufner was on the 12th tee.  Good work, fella!  That's going to do it for today.  Stay tuned for another Prime/Ice tummysticks game tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

Thats good stuff. It's amazing just how awful Ide is. What happened to Grumps? Thought he was the backup plan for an aisle walk.


Grumpy said...

I really wanted to be there; life just got in the way.

Ide could fuck up a wet dream, and I would have liked to meet the woman who would marry Cakes.

If a woman asks you to guess her age,,the safe answer is always 25.

GMoney said...

She didn't even ask though. I did because I'm a very smart person.

Almost forgot the line of the evening. Ide had already picked out a waitress to sexually harrass for the night. Our waitress was at the table and Tonya asked, "Ide, is this the girl that you're going to sexually assault tonight?" Good stuff!

I finally introduced myself to Wheelz. Telling someone that you are her husband's "internet boss" is an ELITE thing. She seemed to be very impressed with my high social status.

Anonymous said...

That was a really solid line, however, the one you had about a murderball game popping up at any second was close behind.

Well, it seems that I certainly have a reputation around these parts. Lady Cakes was well versed, thanks to nightly recaps by Cakes. Iceman's older brother comes up and asks me if there are any n-words around, because he was told I was racist. And when I congratulated Wheelz she says, "oh, I've heard a lot about you". I felt like the belle of the ball that day.

ELITE Train trolling. For the record, G$ called it immediately.

Your absence was almost not in vain, Grump, as I stole your card and fully intended on eating your food, until some lowlife from Napoleon with 2 pending (!) dui's crashes the fucking thing and takes your spot.

The chocolate fountain was pretty clutch. Nice touch.

Oh, so that wasn't my moms minivan, that was my aunt. I came out and my mom, aunt, and cousin were all waiting for me. I took that time to lay down in the back and ignore all of their questions. The irony didn't hit me until yesterday when my mom says, try not to fall out of the seat this time, and I realized that people probably saw me get in this thing.

There is video somewhere out there with Iceman and I dancing. That is regrettable.

Breaking Bad was tits though.


Tonya said...

"Your absence was almost not in vain, Grump, as I stole your card and fully intended on eating your food, until some lowlife from Napoleon with 2 pending (!) dui's crashes the fucking thing and takes your spot."

I'm pretty positive, after the conversation that I had with him towards the end of the night, that number may have increased.

I think six hours is a bit exaggerated... Four tops. It was a pleasure meeting all of you; even Ide. Maybe. It was absolutely a great time, but you forgot to throw in the part where Ide almost got into a fist fight for no apparent reason. That was pretty amazing.

GMoney said...

Ah yes, that was right before he got into that windowless rape van. You know that he has truly becoming IDE! when his eyes only open 25% and he gets hunch-backed. Then you know that you're in trouble.

When you score the only TD in the Nap/Defi alum game, you can drive whenever you want!

GMoney said...

Also: Tonya says that she will do whatever it takes to attend RibFest next year. That would be huge.

Mrs. Cakes made a great first impression by bringing tequila shots to TMS table right away. Good womanmanship right there.

BB discussion will begin shortly.

Prime99 said...

Sounds like a damn good time. Bummed I missed it.

Iceman asked me a while back tot help with the song and of course I was happy to do it. Glad to be a part of the wedding even though I couldn't make it in person.

Anonymous said...

A female at ribfest? Poor girl...

Sounded like a great time - Congrats again Ice.


The Iceman said...

Thanks fellas. One thing is for sure...I'll never be that popular again in my life. Shockingly enough, things went pretty smooth that day. Special shout out to the Money Shotters who could attend. It was good seeing you assholes. Now we can go back to disliking each other again. G$ was quite the mini celebrity Saturday. I had more than one person ask me to point him out so they could see the man responsible for a lot of wasted Internet hours every day. Most were surprised he looked like Roger Goodell's bastard son.

There is definitely video of me and Ide getting busy on the dance floor. He dances like an 18 year old Cuban man.

Tonya has always been that mouthy. I can confirm. She was actually the one who hired me years ago and in the first week of me working, asked if I wanted to bend her over in the back room. I assumed she meant in the ass. I knew at that moment I would fit in just fine. ELITE training right there.

For those who missed the after party, at bar Louie I had to break up a fight between my old college roommate, Wheelz drunk ass wipe uncle and her super cool dad. That's right...two men in their fifties tried fighting a twenty something on their niece/daughter's wedding night. Real fresh, guys.

The train song was added when I confirmed Ide was coming. We were picking songs and I said..."lets throw a Train song in there" knowing she would love it because to she likes that band. My motivation came from elsewhere. It was beautifully placed and executed and only a small percentage of people got the joke. Just the way I planned it.

Speaking of racism...the groomsman with the lumberjack heard is from Arizona and is not too fond of Mexicans. Apparently, while shit faced, he used a Mexican racial slur directly at Wheelz Mexican cousin. He did it without batting an eyelash. Wheelz Mexican cousin proceeded to tell her Mexican mom. This chicks mom spent the rest of the evening with her car keys protruding from her knuckles while frantically searching for the groomsman responsible. Way to solidify that Mexican stereotype.

Overall it was a good night but I still stand by what I said before. Fucking elope.

Brady said...

Another ELITE night with TMS crew. It was magical. Here are some of my observations:

-G$ trying to defend RGIII's sexuality outside of the venue was quite enjoyable. People who didn't even know the joke were getting in on the action as well.

-My wife was very impressed with my internet friends. She told me numerous times that she expected a bunch of old guys with glasses and pocket protectors to show up. I don't think she understands how the internet works.

-Josh VanAusdales best man speech was the TITS. I've never heard someone drop a "Fuck" in their speech. It should be a requirement for all future best men.

-Ide was obsessed with the chocolate fountain. He spent TONS of time in the chocolate line (IRONIC!) and raved about the ice cream balls all night. I finally gave in to temptation and tried it. I'm glad I did.

-Damman and I bitched about the Indians for a combined hour. Luckily there was tons of alcohol around to help ease the pain.

-I don't dance but when G$ got "walk that dinosaur" played, everyone went nuts. Well played, sir.

-It was an awesome wedding and Stevie did a hell of a job walking down the aisle, standing for pictures and getting up for her first dance. I can't even imagine how much effort and GRIT that took. G$ and I talked were in awe when we talked about it while burning heaters.

GMoney said...

Wheelz definitely has the GRIT of your average New England Patriot. She lives her life by THE PATRIOT WAY.

As a reminder, unless they are cool with it, we don't use real names around here. Pump yo brakes, Cakes. That rhymed!

*The Walter White Skate Park of the Future looks pretty intense. I can't wait to find out how that house got condemned.
*Carol the neighbor made me LOL so hard.
*I'm not the biggest Jesse Pinkman fan and I really don't like his mopey pussy behavior. Dude, you have 5 million in cash from making drugs. NOW you have a moral compass?
*Walter sure does have some strong opinions on air freshener placement. Don't mix your pines with you fruit scents, dammit!
*The Schraderbrau logo is the best thing ever. He really needs to get back to brewing that stuff.
*No Gomey? He was probably too busy being mentally challenged somewhere.
*I don't give a fuck about Star Trek but Badger's episode sounds delightful. Badger and Skinny Pete are the GOAT!
*Oh man, that final scene was just fucking terrific. TREAD LIGHTLY INDEED!

Brady said...

My bad. Blog etiquette is kicking my ass today.

"G$ and I talked were in awe when we talked about it while burning heaters."

So are sentences apparently.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like errbody was getting rowdy at Bar Louie. For the record, I believe that guy stole my seat when I went to piss/buy another beer. I came back, and he wasn't the most receptive to my explaining to him that was my seat. So, I lobbed an insult his way, rarely do my insults go unnoticed, and this was certainly no exception. Fuck that guy.

Kudos to that pregnant bartender (Toledo!) for not breaking water whilst pouring me a drink. Good hustle.

Iceman, who was the guy with the impeccable flat top and white short sleeved shirt? We had him pegged for Papa Wheelz by his sleazy demeanor. I witnessed him slap some woman right on the ass. He was a real star.

Also sighted, was a guy in a Steelers polo. At a fucking wedding. Could there be a worse fanbase?


Tonya said...

Sounds like errbody was getting rowdy at Bar Louie. For the record, I believe that guy stole my seat when I went to piss/buy another beer. I came back, and he wasn't the most receptive to my explaining to him that was my seat. So, I lobbed an insult his way, rarely do my insults go unnoticed, and this was certainly no exception. Fuck that guy.

At no point during the entire night did this guy ever sit in a seat. He was clearly leaning against the fence the entire time, which was never "your seat". You bumped into him and then said "Get the fuck out of my way". It was comical though, I'll give you that.

GMoney said...

Wasn't Steelers polo guy just some dude that was in the hotel bar when we were? I don't think that even a lowlife like Iceman would stoop so low to invite a non-Grump Steelers fan to his weddin'.

Anonymous said...

He crashed it then. I saw him tooling around our side with a beer in hand.

Does Iceman have access to those photo booth pics?


GMoney said...

The real question is "do Wheelz and Mrs. Cousins realize that they are beards being propped up behind their husbands' violent affair with each other?" For that matter, do they even care?

Brady said...

Flat top guy was pretty crazy. I saw him getting down on the dance floor. No idea who he was though.

We definitely need to get on those photo booth pics. I need to see the "internet friends" pictures like yesterday.

Mr. Ace said...

I am so disappointed I missed this. Mrs. Ace and I had plans with a group of people for months. Then somebodies grandma died and it was all called off. So instead of crashing the Iceman wedding I stayed home this weekend and painted. Winner=you guys.

I did see some of the videos. Pretty awesome stuff.

I heard a rumor Tonya and Ide had a makeout party before he got in his moms van. Rupe is coming for you, Ide.

Who is going to beerfest this weekend?

Brady said...

Tonya somehow saved her photo booth card! The site says the images are ready around five days after the event. It's going to be awesome.

GMoney said...

By the way, I found out that Tonya hired both Iceman and Cakes which means that she makes horrible life choices.

I did enjoy asking her a bunch of drunk questions about the Lachey and Simpson families. Drew Lachey = really nice guy! Joe Simpson = big time homo!

Brady said...

By the way, Bernie is my favorite color man ever. He just says it how it is! His Twitter feed is a thing of beauty. He has really cut back on it ever since I wrote in my question to though. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings.

GMoney said...

If Tom Hamilton and Bernie ever did a broadcast together, you would just explode from sheer joy.

TH: Swing and a drive...A-WAYYYYY BACK...GONE!!!
BK: This pitcher is fucking terrible, Tom. His mom should have had an abortion.

Tonya said...

The only making out that Ide did on Saturday night was with a black park bench directly before his mother picked him up.

Brady said...

I thought Bernie was hilarious but he definitely was in rare form. I was pretty drunk when I watched the re-broadcast and remember laughing out loud numerous times.

If Bernie and Tom had a love child, I probably would explode from sheer joy!

Brady said...

Stand by for sweet video evidence of Ide dancing at the wedding. Hopefully will be posted to TMS Facebook page in a few minutes. I've seen it and it is GLORIOUS!

GMoney said...

T-Sizzle has apparently posted Ide's Dance-A-Thon footage on our site's Facebook wall. Your move, Twitter!