|INVISIBLE MONSTER THICKBURGER!!!|
Seriously, how great was it to see Dumpster act like some retarded bad ass on Sunday night with his high octane slow ball only to give up an 800 foot A-Bomb 3 innings later which proved that trolling can go bad when you are not equipped to troll. That blew up in his face like whoa. If you are going to try and be some sort of nutjob baseball history policeman, you better not get lit up otherwise you just look foolish and pathetic. Dumpster looks really pathetic (as playing the majority of your career with the Cubs is wont to do). Remember when Clemens threw that bat shard at Homo Piazza and then the next year Shawn Estes was going to plunk him out of principle but he couldn’t? He kept missing Clemens’ fat ass somehow. Yeah, Dumpster looks just as bad.
Now that I’m done with that, let’s talk about Miguel Cabrera. Now OBVZ, none of us like him but it’s kind of hard to ignore how really fucking good he is at hitting baseballs while filled to the brim with Glenfiddich. Two weeks ago, he spent his weekend in New York hitting two moon shots off of the greatest pitcher of the last 25 years. Ummmmm, that never happens. Ever. And he didn’t even really get great swings on those dingers either. They were more of a wrist-flick than anything. A wrist-flick that went 400 feet though. It was pretty damn impressive even if I was infuriated (although we somehow won both of those games so it didn’t really matter because Brett Gardner is a Tiger Killer).
Anyway, during our drive up to Iceman’s wedding, Damman and I both admitted that Cabrera is just ridiculously good at hitting. It’s nearly impossible to get him out. Don’t believe me? After winning the triple crown last year for the first time since whenever it last happened (I’m good at research), his numbers are BETTER this year! Through Tuesday, he’s at .359/40/120. The Yankee third basemen don’t even have 40 RBI combined this year (probably…again, good at research over here) and he has 40 dongs. I’m not one of those dipshit baseball historian types that says things like “we could be watching the greatest hitter of all time” but we could be watching the greatest non-Shane Spencer hitter of all time.
Unfortunately, on Tuesday night, he tweaked his gut fat again for the third time this season. For a guy like Cabrera, gut fat is very crucial to his bulbous frame because it helps with his balance. You aren’t going to go 3 for 4 AND pass a field sobriety test on the way home if you have a sore gut fat. It’s impossible. This has to be a little troubling because the injury isn’t going away. Wait a minute—hold on one second—numbers getting better with age and nagging injuries that keep popping up seemingly out of nowhere?
Steroids. Makes perfect sense now. Miguel Cabrera is on PEDs. He’s a fucking cheater. He keeps passing these drug tests because the volume of cheap scotch is way more than the dirty urine and it overpowers the ‘roids in his system. It’s science, people! Mark it down on your…whatever…I am the first to openly point the finger at Miguel Cabrera as a liar, cheater, and dirty ass sonofabitch. His entire career is a sham. It’s the only explanation that makes sense. Please explain how it’s possible for a man that fat and gross to have reflexes that finely tuned? IMPOSSIBLE I SAY! This site was founded in 2004 to expose the truth. Well, bros, consider it exposed now! This is a bigger conspiracy than the FACT that our President HUSSEIN was born in Kenya. STOP THE LIES!
For the record, I still don’t care about PEDs. I only care about them when people that I don’t like or players on teams that I hate do them. When that happens, I can’t help but think about the sanctity of this great game and how these losers are setting a poor example for the youth of America. Either way, those two home runs that Cabrera hit off of Rivera…they never happened. Not to me. Those at-bats have giant asterisks next to them and will forever. Now who wants to talk about that bomb that A-Rod hit off of Verlander again???
This post was a lot of fun to write as I don’t get to sound like a drooling tardbilly all that often. Tomorrow will mark the final Fantasy Football Friday of the year. Make a note of it. I’m sure that there will be plenty of arguments about Tom E. Brady again. Can’t wait!