Thursday, August 22, 2013

Time To Admit It...Miguel Cabrera Is ELITE

INVISIBLE MONSTER THICKBURGER!!!
I don’t know if any of you assholes are paying attention to the Yankees right now (quietly getting back into the wild card race!), but every little news nugget coming out of New York recently is major LULZ. The FACT that Alex Rodriguez is still playing, playing well to boot, getting thrown at constantly, having his lawyers publicly run smack about everyone, and trying to clear his name (will not happen) is just so damn entertaining. I am LOVING this nightly shit show. This is like a real life version of Passions. Every day it gets weirder and weirder and I can’t get enough. I keep expecting some deranged fan to run out on the field and stab him in the neck. With Alex Rodriguez, “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE”—Kevin Garnett.

Seriously, how great was it to see Dumpster act like some retarded bad ass on Sunday night with his high octane slow ball only to give up an 800 foot A-Bomb 3 innings later which proved that trolling can go bad when you are not equipped to troll. That blew up in his face like whoa. If you are going to try and be some sort of nutjob baseball history policeman, you better not get lit up otherwise you just look foolish and pathetic. Dumpster looks really pathetic (as playing the majority of your career with the Cubs is wont to do). Remember when Clemens threw that bat shard at Homo Piazza and then the next year Shawn Estes was going to plunk him out of principle but he couldn’t? He kept missing Clemens’ fat ass somehow. Yeah, Dumpster looks just as bad.

Now that I’m done with that, let’s talk about Miguel Cabrera. Now OBVZ, none of us like him but it’s kind of hard to ignore how really fucking good he is at hitting baseballs while filled to the brim with Glenfiddich. Two weeks ago, he spent his weekend in New York hitting two moon shots off of the greatest pitcher of the last 25 years. Ummmmm, that never happens. Ever. And he didn’t even really get great swings on those dingers either. They were more of a wrist-flick than anything. A wrist-flick that went 400 feet though. It was pretty damn impressive even if I was infuriated (although we somehow won both of those games so it didn’t really matter because Brett Gardner is a Tiger Killer).

Anyway, during our drive up to Iceman’s wedding, Damman and I both admitted that Cabrera is just ridiculously good at hitting. It’s nearly impossible to get him out. Don’t believe me? After winning the triple crown last year for the first time since whenever it last happened (I’m good at research), his numbers are BETTER this year! Through Tuesday, he’s at .359/40/120. The Yankee third basemen don’t even have 40 RBI combined this year (probably…again, good at research over here) and he has 40 dongs. I’m not one of those dipshit baseball historian types that says things like “we could be watching the greatest hitter of all time” but we could be watching the greatest non-Shane Spencer hitter of all time.

Unfortunately, on Tuesday night, he tweaked his gut fat again for the third time this season. For a guy like Cabrera, gut fat is very crucial to his bulbous frame because it helps with his balance. You aren’t going to go 3 for 4 AND pass a field sobriety test on the way home if you have a sore gut fat. It’s impossible. This has to be a little troubling because the injury isn’t going away. Wait a minute—hold on one second—numbers getting better with age and nagging injuries that keep popping up seemingly out of nowhere?

Steroids. Makes perfect sense now. Miguel Cabrera is on PEDs. He’s a fucking cheater. He keeps passing these drug tests because the volume of cheap scotch is way more than the dirty urine and it overpowers the ‘roids in his system. It’s science, people! Mark it down on your…whatever…I am the first to openly point the finger at Miguel Cabrera as a liar, cheater, and dirty ass sonofabitch. His entire career is a sham. It’s the only explanation that makes sense. Please explain how it’s possible for a man that fat and gross to have reflexes that finely tuned? IMPOSSIBLE I SAY! This site was founded in 2004 to expose the truth. Well, bros, consider it exposed now! This is a bigger conspiracy than the FACT that our President HUSSEIN was born in Kenya. STOP THE LIES!

For the record, I still don’t care about PEDs. I only care about them when people that I don’t like or players on teams that I hate do them. When that happens, I can’t help but think about the sanctity of this great game and how these losers are setting a poor example for the youth of America. Either way, those two home runs that Cabrera hit off of Rivera…they never happened. Not to me. Those at-bats have giant asterisks next to them and will forever. Now who wants to talk about that bomb that A-Rod hit off of Verlander again???

This post was a lot of fun to write as I don’t get to sound like a drooling tardbilly all that often. Tomorrow will mark the final Fantasy Football Friday of the year. Make a note of it. I’m sure that there will be plenty of arguments about Tom E. Brady again. Can’t wait!

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

Miggy is indeed amazing. I think the craziest part is the pitches that he can hit home runs off of. Pitchers will throw him balls that are inside almost a foot off the plate and he can turn his wrists so fast that he can just pull the shit out of them out of the park. Love hearing opposing pitchers and managers just rave about how crazy good he is.

--Drew

GMoney said...

Roids. As he clearly doesn't give a shit about physical fitness, I'm pretty pumped for when he has to miss games with gout soon.

The Iceman said...

Drew's gonna have a hard time typing over his stiff Miggy today. And Dut's probably somewhere bukakke'ing himself after reading this.

Wasn't Babe Ruth a fat, drunk, pig too? And roids didn't exist back then. Players were powered by moonshine and scotch. Maybe Horatio Sanz can play the part of Cabrera when it comes time for them to make a movie about how good Cabrera was at being drunk and fat.

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't more talk be about Ichiro nailing 4000 last night. That is fucking impressive. I'm going to say he will topple Cobb and Rose handily, and even with an asterisk (there should be one), I'd say he will go down as the best hitter ever. That nip can ball.

Ide

GMoney said...

Horatio Sanz got skinny, I think. Maybe that Gabriel Iglesias guy? He's 4 tons worth of Latino "hilarity"! Mario Lopez? George Lopez? Kirstie Alley? So many options!

Neither will be as choice as John Goodman though.

GMoney said...

Yeah, Ichiro SICK. Even if you have zero respect for the Nippon Ham Fighters, it is at worst AAAA ball. 4000 is damn impressive. With one year left with the Yankees though, I don't know if I see him getting to 3000 in 'merica. He is pretty old and is beginning to look the part.

They won't because the writers are stupid, but Ichiro should be a unanimous first ballot HOF.

Grumpy said...

Since he needs 1,534 hits to catch Pete, I don't think he'll make it.

GMoney said...

Well, technically he only needs 256 to tie that record and I believe that is what Ide was getting at. You don't acknowledge that though because you are against all zipperheads, right, Gran Torino?

TRUTH BOMB: Grumpy went to the same high school as Pete Rose so he is obviously ROSE COAST BIASED.

Grumpy said...

I know what Ide was getting at and if you're going to use that standard then I want all of Doug Flutie's CFL stats added to his NFL stats and his bust in Canton by noon.

GMoney said...

When you factor in all of Flutie's CFL stats, he still sucks. He is not a Factorback in my opinion.

But Milt Stegall? CANTON BOUND.

Comparing Flutie to Ichiro is dumber than every comment that Dut has ever made.

Oh by the way, DUT, WIG MASTER, AND GSAUL, your previews are due in today.

Jeff said...

Miggy is indeed ELITE. A man that size should not have the quick hands and great hand eye that he has. PEDs for sure!

If we could get all of the baseball HOF voters (mostly senior baseball writers) in the same place and have some sort of a mass genocide, the game would be much better off.

The Iceman said...

Factorback. LOLOLOLOLOL!

Ichiro will probably play effectively until he's 50 because Asians age more efficiently than every other race. Seriously. Every time I see someone breaking the record for oldest human it's always some Asian that just turned 130 or something fucking stupid like that. I'm not kidding when I say that Ichiro could play and play well until he's 50. That's 11 more seasons. And even if he averages 150 hits per year (which is low) he'll break Rose's record. Whether or not Ichiro WANTS to play that long remains to be seen...but if Satchel Paige can pitch at 60, Ichiro can still hit at 50.

Grumpy said...

I'm not comparing Flutie to Ichiro, I'm talking about standards. The standard is MAJOR LEAGUE hits.

Anonymous said...

I acknowledge that there should be an asterisk next to the stat in the record books. Didn't expect Grump to go into intolerance mode.

Grump, you should be surprised that he could hit those balls after they were greased up by those slippery yellow pitchers.

Ide

GMoney said...

Bro, Ichiro looks like a ghost these days. And he won't play everyday so 150 hits per season is wishful thinking. He also sort of needs some team willing to sign a guy in his 40s. That's important.

Pete Rose is a fag just like all of his fellow alums. I said what we were all thinking.

Uncle Tom said...

Most hits is such a white man's stat.

Seriously, peep tha top ten. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.

Outside of Hammerin' Hank, tha rest is Wonder Bread.

Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!

GMoney said...

Interesting...such a strong take!

The Iceman said...

Teams will always be interested in Ichiro. Shit...if Clemens can get takers at 44 even after all the roid allegations, Ichiro can get some fliers at 45 and beyond. And you're forgetting that he's Asian and will live to be 130.

GMoney said...

No one wanted him this past offseason except for the team that hordes old men. Next year will be it for him.

Brady said...

Ichiro is fucking dead in the water. I think he's going to be hard pressed to play two more years. Have you seen him play recently, Iceman? I'm going to go ahead and say you haven't because A) you don't watch baseball and B) he is almost a guaranteed out. Dude doesn't have even 200 more hits in him.

Miggy is a beast. There is no getting around it. I wish he was more average so I could call out his whinning and lame shit-talking ways but when you're that good, you can pretty much do anything you want. I recommend the Indians just throw at his head for the last 3 in Detroit.

Speaking of the Indians! Nope, I'm not going to get sucked back in. Despite my drunken Twitter boner from two nights ago, the Tribe still has a long way to go. They are entering the LAST do-or-die portion of their schedule next week with ATL, DET and BAL. If they don't come out of that with more wins than losses, I can finally concentrate on the Browns resurgence into the playoffs and the impending National Title for the Buckeyes.

Prime99 said...

Most hits IS a white man's stat!

Grump is nice and liberal... Until we start talking about a kamakazi pilot bombing on Pete Rose's record (won't happen), then he gets all uppity about how bad Japanese baseball is. If I learned one thing from Mr. Baseball it is NEVER stick chopsticks upright in noodles!!! But if I learned two things, it's that Japanese baseball is professional and respectable. It fixed Selleck's hole in his swing!

GMoney said...

Whoa! Hold up there, Cakes. He was fucking terrible the first 6 weeks or so but he's batting a respectable .274 with 18 SB. Not what he once was but not too shabby for a man who is completely gray up top.

Did you see that David Ortiz shunned Dumpster for his stupidity? Steroid abusers got to stick together!

GMoney said...

Prime, you win. Mr. Baseball references are the BEST.

Anonymous said...

What about Mr. 3000 references?

RIP Bernie Mac! (Uncle Tom?)

J from JBeanie

The Iceman said...

G$ beat me to it. You're right, Cakes...I don't watch baseball. But I do know how to look up stats and can see that Ichiro is hitting .274 this year. Which is better than 6 of the guys in the Indians starting lineup. So maybe you should do less trashing of Ichiro and more hoping the Indians sign him next year to improve your shitty lineup.

GMoney said...

I'm getting sick of this flip-flopping from the Indians. Either be contenders or expose yourselves as clown frauds already. As Walter White says, "there are no half measures". Make up your minds already!

Not that anyone else still cares about Big Bro, but I fist-pumped like mad last night when OTEV showed up. We're just waiting on Zingbot now! Oh, and bye bye Helen, you stupid, bubbly bitch.

Anonymous said...

Mr. 3000 was only good because it had Tayvon from the Sheild.

On that note, I finally got around to watching the new Dexter (ugh), and I see that Lem is on this weeks episode. That could be the best story of the season. By could, I mean it will be.

Ide

Brady said...

If the Indians even thought about signing Ichiro, I would storm the gates at the corner of Carneige and Ontario. Even they aren't that stupid. The guys is a slap hitter who still has speed, but not world class speed.

I love how Iceman thinks batting average is the only stat in baseball.

I agree, G$! This season is fucking roller coaster city. Usually after a sweep on the road I would be coming here and thumping my chest. That hasn't served me well this year. I'm going to temper my excitement and see how the next two weeks play out. I still think the division is out of reach (although...) but 2.5 games back in the wild card is nothing.

GMoney said...

To be fair, Lem was a pretty bad character on The Shield. He was a total pussy. He didn't even sample of Mrs, Kavanaugh's "sweet butter"!

I hope his role on Dexter is to randomly have another grenade dropped in his lap by Cletus Van Damme.

GMoney said...

Good to see that Jut is back to his horrible ways. Nice job getting lit up by the Twinks.

The Iceman said...

I love how Cakes makes arguments how a guy hitting .222 is better than a guy hitting .274. Spare me your saber metrics, Tim Kurkjian. I know how baseball stats work. Next thing you know Cakes will be lecturing about the merits of the dead ball era.

Brady said...

Um, I'll take Michael Bourn as my leadoff hitter 10 out of 10 times over Ichiro. Keep fighting the good fight for over the hill players though, Ice.

GMoney said...

Brett Gardner is our leadoff hitter and he is a very good player. Statistically, he compares similarly to Bourn.

The point is that Ichiro is still way better than you think. And Miguel Cabrera is on steroids of course.

Brady said...

Ichiro is just as bad as I think, maybe worse. Iceman just likes to troll the Indians. That what it really boils down to. If he played for the Tribe, this would be a whole different argument.

The Iceman said...

You're right...it would be a completely different argument. Because if Ichiro played for the shitty Indians, he would be better than Ted Williams in your eyes. So what's your point here? That both you and the Indians suck? I'm pretty sure that was what you were trying to say. Paraphrasing, of course.

GMoney said...

He's just mad because Ichiro correctly called Cleveland out as the worst city ever at one point in his career. You are biased!