Tuesday, August 06, 2013

The Coaching Underground National Team Volume 1

Not pictured: Jim Harbaugh's erection

Legend has it that there is a secret fraternity that meets in rotating undisclosed locations where the ranks of NFL Coaches, Paul Walker, and Charlie Conway discuss dick and fart jokes, racial slurs, and world domination.  For the first time, we have an exclusive look at this powerful group as Prime and I were able to sneak in and record the happenings of the Coaching Underground National Team.  Here is what we witnessed:

[A slightly overweight man in a green visor enters a dim room.  The blindfold that was tightly wrapped around his eyes is quickly removed.  As the fuzzy shapes come into focus, he sees a number of hooded figures standing before him.  He attempts to stand, but his hands and feet are bound by a very fine rope.  The figures' robes hang down low to the floor, however each robe is carefully laid open exposing the hooded figures’ genitals.  Only one of them is fully aroused.]

Jim Harbaugh: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!  I thought we all agreed to have raging pecker poles?  Oh...okay.  I see what's going on here.  You wise asses are trying to make me look like the only boner loving faggot here.  Fuck all of you and your limp dicks.  You might as well chop them off and sew pussies to your fronts.  Then I'll fuck all of them with Big Jimmy and spray your queer faces with my cock sauce.

Chip: You rotten motherfuckers.  I had heard rumors that the C.U.N.T. existed but I never expected to be roofied like a Big Ben victim, bound, gagged and… hey, why is my asshole so sore?

Jim: Let me just flick this Chip poop nugget off of my sex bone.  [nugget flies and sticks to the robe of a mustached man eating four sandwiches.]  There we go.  My suggestion is rub some diaper rash cream on your chili hole.  It helped me out.

Chip: What in the holy fucking hell are you talking about, you honky shit stain?

Jim: It's the initiation, dick breath.  We all had our butts fucked in order to be a part of this exclusive group.

[the rest of the group starts snickering and whispering]

Jim:  OH COME ON!!  ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!  YOU GUYS SAID YOU ALL DID IT!!!  Whatever...best fucking sex you black dick loving ass clowns ever had.

Chip: Jesus Joey Harrington Christ! You twats are sick.

Black Donged C.U.N.T. Member: My season is like a bad freeway accident, and you guys are just slowing down to watch.

John Harbaugh: Shut it, Tomlin before I make you nibble my Canadian bacon nips, again.

Mike Tomlin: Always bet on black.

John: Don’t test me, you aviator wearing fuck bag!  Where were we?  Ah, yes, back to the new recruit. Chip, you seem like C.U.N.T. material.  But are you ready to prove it?

Chip: I'm sorry...is Tomlin speaking in Wesley Snipes quotes?

John:  Unfortunately.  It's a side effect of being black and retarded.  Answer the question, cock sauce.

Chip:  Whatever.  Sure.  I’m ready to join your gay little club.

[Cheers erupt from the room]

Mike Tomlin: Moby Dick? What you reading that for?!

John: Tomlin!  Go tongue fuck the community fleshlight!! [Tomlin saunters away] Before we give you access to the C.U.N.T., you must first endure three tests laid out from my ass fuck of a brother, Jim.

Jim: Thank you for the warm into, shit dick.  FIRST TEST!  But first let me remove the rope shackles forged from the iron pubes of Jackie CreanPie's troll snatch.  Stronger than steel, my friend.

Chip:  Fuck me...

Jim:  We already did that.  FIRST TEST!!!  We have here a bathroom that has fallen victim to the bowel secretions of B.J. Raji and Vince Wolfork after a chicken wing eating competition.  They each devoured 370 wings covered in Ass Reaper sauce (a real sauce by the way).  I'm pretty sure I saw chunks of bone and butthole skin fragments in there.  You must clean the entire bathroom in under an hour wearing nothing but this sexy maids outfit.  And another thing...YOU CAN ONLY USE YOUR HAIRY BONER!!

John: What is it with you and boners today?  Chip...first of all, go fuck yourself.  Seriously...you're the fucking worst.  Second of all...just use the cleaning supplies over there.  Third...I will actually shit on you before the sun comes up so prepare yourself for that.

Jim:  /sighs  Fine.  You can use the cleaning supplies provided instead of your rock hard veiner.  Man!  This is way fucking easier than my initiation was...

 [Chip successfully performs said test.]

[A hooded figure steps forward, however this member is wearing only a hooded sweatshirt, but no pants.]

Hoodie: Congratulations, Chip. So far so good. You've passed the first test but it doesn’t matter. Are you willing to frame a player for murder?

Chip: Huh?

Hoodie: That’s right. If you have a cancer in the locker room...and by cancer I mean ANY Mexican, and your front office idiotically signs that player to a multi-million dollar deal, sometimes you have to think outside the box.

Chip: Motherfucker… you’re saying you killed that black guy no one remembers and Aaron Hernandez is innocent?

Hoodie: Fuckin’ right.  It was as awkward as Big Strut’s wedding when I shot that spick, drank his blood, and buried him in a pile of sand and gravel.  But I acted quickly, destroyed surveillance equipment, and framed Urban Meyer's lover, Aaron Hernandez.  He will get what he deserves and now he won’t be a distraction to my team any more.

Chip: Bill, I didn’t realize you were that twisted…

Hoodie: Don’t get me started about how I had to add extra fireworks to the Boston Marathon…

Chip: Oh fuck..

Mike Tomlin: [muffled as if something is in his mouth] You’ll be dead before dawn, Frost!

John: That’s it, Tomlin.  Come taste my silky Flacco.  All 200 million of it.

Chip: Jesus Christ...I’ll do it.  Just make John stop mouth fucking Tomlin.  So what...I just set up Shady McCoy on B&E?  That should be easy.  There’s a 50/50 chance he’s in the act right now.  ZING!!  Riley Cooper isn't the only racist prick in Philly, boys!

Jim: Nope… [a large chorus of howling dogs are brought in on chain leashes.]

Chip: Ah, fuck no.  I’m no dog killer!

Jim: YEAH!  AND I DON'T FUCK CAT BUTTS!!  [wonders if he said that right...shakes it off.]  It’s the only way, twat.  Your n-word QB’s can’t be trusted.  They will bring your team down.

Chip: Foles and Barkley are both white...

Jim:  And I'm about to fuck your tubby shitter with a tire iron.  What's your point??

Chip: QB's?  Well then.  I’m only setting up Ron Mexico, right?

Jim: FALSE. Vick is safe.  He’s actually the only option you have on your team to run your gay college offense that won't work.  You’re setting up Barkley and Foles because if either of those non-mobile dick bags took over, your team is fucked like the Asian boy in the back of my Benz, 45 minutes ago, BRAH.  Now get to it, YEEEE-HAW!!!

[Yelping and shrieking commences while Greg Schiano dives at the knees of other coaches Jim Schwartz jacks off with one hand and flexes in the mirror with the other]

John: Well done, Chip.  Foles and Barkley are well on their way to being framed for running a dog fighting factory.  You are so close to becoming a C.U.N.T.  However, you have one more test to pass…

Chip: I’ve come this far…

Mike Tomlin: You cut a side deal with that motherfucker!

John: That’s fucking it Tomlin!!  Enough of the Snipes quotes!! [John leads Tomlin outside on one of the leashes that previously held living dogs.]

Jim:  FINAL TEST!! [hears chomping and smacking loudly in the background...turns to see an obese figure whose robe doesn't fit]  How the fuck did Andy Reid become a C.U.N.T.?  Hey!  Chubby Fatass!  You going to fucking do anything besides fart and eat?

Andy Reid: [takes another bite of his sandwich and shrugs]

Jim:  What the fuck are you eating anyway?  You have like 7 of them.

Andy Reid [heavy breathing] Elephant meat and pickle [heavy breathing] on glazed donut buns [heavy breathing] and chocolate tartar sauce...

[three C.U.N.T. members vomit...Andy Reid sprints over and starts slurping it off the floor]

Chip:  What the...

Jim: FINAL TEST!!!  You must place a bag of lit dog shit on Roger Goodell's door and ding dong ditch that pasty ginger bastard.

Chip:  Let's get this fucking shit over with you childish, juvenile, dick lover...

John:  Be grateful, you fucking tampon.  For the final test we were going to make you the caboose of a 2 man human centipede with Andy Reid so consider yourself lucky. [Andy Reid stares at Chip, moving his eyebrows up and down while licking glaze off of his fingers]  But we knew the toxicity would kill you and we don't want that.

[C.U.N.T. arrives at the Goodell residence and Chip quietly approaches the door]

DING DONG!! [Chip safely waddles back to the group hiding behind a bush]

Andy Reid:  [teary eyed] Why did you leave that perfectly good food on his doorstep like that?? [stumbles up to investigate...3 C.U.N.T. members attempt to tackle him.  It takes 6 total to effectively get him down]

Hoodie:  [shaking his head in disgust] That fucking rhino will eat anything...[hands Andy Reid a bottle of mustard with a rubber nipple on the end of it]

[Door opens and Goodell comes stumbling out wearing a just jock strap and Joe Namath wig while holding a half drank bottle of Black Velvet]

Goodell:  I AM THE LAW!!!!  THOSE WHO OPPOSE ME WILL TA*hiccup*STE...TASTE THE LONG DICK OF JUSSSSICE! *hiccup* [stops and sniffs the air]  Wassat?  Issat poop? [runs his hand through his own ass crack then sniffs his palm]  Sssnot my poop...[shrugs and slams another healthy gulp of Black Velvet]

[Goodell looks down and sees the flaming bag]

Goodell:  ISSA FIRE POOP BAG!!  TERRORISSSSS!!  I'M BEING TERRORISSSS!!!  I'M DOING THE BESSS I CAN PEEEPLESSSS!! [crumbles next to the flaming bag of shit and starts weeping uncontrollably while a neighbor witnesses the scene and calls the cops]

Jim:  Cops are coming!! Time to bail faggots!!!

[back at the C.U.N.T. lair]

John: Motherfuckin' Chip Kelly... we figured you'd fit in, and we were as fucking correct as the Jim Crow Laws of days of yore.

Tomlin: Listen to me.  Governments they come, they go.  But the McDonald's...they last for eva!

John: Tomlin- shut your coontrap or you'll end up meeting Lovie's fate...

[Tomlin is immediately silent.  Finally.]

John: As I was saying... Chipster- you get a welcome present as you are officially a C.U.N.T.  Allow us to give you your reward...

[The C.U.N.T. members lead Chip down a passageway and into a sound proofed room where Layla Kiffin is tied up with pubic rope.]

John: You get to do the dirtiest, nastiest shit to Kiffin's wife.  Anything goes college boy!

Chip: You gotta be fuckin' shittin' me!  I've banged Derrick and the Dominos over there tons of times! She was my slice on the side whenever I was in the LA area.  I've used that jizz-canyon up more times than Tomlin has quoted Wesley Snipes.  I'll pass.  Maybe Jimmy BRAH would like a swipe at Kiffin's poon.

[Jim walks in with a 3-wood, a corkscrew, a first aid kit, and a tub of Andy Reid's bacon grease.  He's wearing a headlamp and chain mail.]

Jim: Where is Carroll's wife?!  That twatwich is going to taste fuck-tastic!

John: Bro, it's Lane Kiffin's wife, not Petey Peckerwood's beard!  Whatever, have at it... Meeting adjourned- welcome, Chip! [Cheers from the peanut gallery.]

[In the distance, zombie-Lovie Smith stands at the chain link, barb-wired fence that encompasses the C.U.N.T. compound... and he smiles.]

That was about when Prime and I decided it was time to bail.  Shit had already escalated way past the dangerous and bizarre.  It appears that most of the rumors about C.U.N.T. were true.  We're not exactly sure when or where the next meeting will sprout up, but we'll do what we can to be there to report the inner workings of such a strange group of fuckers.


Anonymous said...


Also, LOLZ at the Windians last night.....LOLZ LOLZ. I guess Cakes pregame motivational tweets don't last nine innings.


Grumpy said...

You sick. Not in a good way.

The Iceman said...

We just report the facts, Grumpy. We can't control these animals.

My favorite part of Twitter last night was Damman's sour grapes when I joined in on the Indians jabs.

GMoney said...

That was quite cotton-picking fantastic. Howevah, call it by its real name. It isn't "ding dong ditch". That's not what Riley Cooper calls it.

I don't feel like Andy Reid belongs with this group though. He would be more suited to join GUNT. Count it.

If CUNT HQ has a yard then I want to believe that Rich Rodriguez is their landscaper.

But yeah, OK, after a dynamite post like this (with Prime's assistance I'm told--good hire there) I am allowing you to get married this weekend.

The Iceman said...

Prime had a big hand in this post, indeed. Fountain of ideas that guy is. This was actually penned before the Riley Cooper situation and while I did some revisions to incorporate our favorite Eagle's recent mishap with his mouth filter, I wasn't going to do a thorough combing.

Andy Reid belongs because every group needs a loveable, idiotic gimp type character. I love how you can calm Reid with a bottle of mustard. Sounds right.

Brady said...

Good thing Chris Perez quit Twitter a couple months ago.

GMoney said...

But not honey mustard. He considers that fruit.

Fun FACT: Andy Reid ate his son's corpse

GMoney said...

Respeck the BRAHS, JizzCakes. No one cares about your pathetic baseball team when CUNT organizes/ever.

Anonymous said...

Not sure I recall the sour grapes but whatwever. I just find it humorous that you say you hate baseball so much but seem to follow it religiously and act like a Tigers fan.

That was a brutal loss last night for sure. But we got three games left in the series and we get to face Verrlander tonight. All is not lost. Twitter was glorious last night seeing all the Indians fans wanting to murder Chris Perez.


Brady said...

All is definitely not lost but you just can't lose games like that. Kluberbot pitched another gem and CP returned to his pre-weed self. Tito has to realize you can't throw him out there three days in a row. We just need to split and focus on beating everyone else.

I haven't been that mad after a tribe game in awhile. Luckily there were shows about sharks as well as the 2006 OSU-UM game to help me get past it. New day!

By the way, that was fucked up, Iceman.

The Iceman said...

Let's make sure we don't forget my partner in crime when complimenting me with stuff like "that was fucked up Iceman" and "You sick. Not in a good way". I couldn't have produced such a glorious post without Prime.

Let's make one thing clear, Damman. I do and forever will hate baseball. But that will not stop me from trolling the fuck out of Indians fans any chance I get regardless of who they're playing. I happened to be on Twitter last night and saw that the Tigers beat the Indians (again) and jumped at the chance. Because jabbing Indians fans after losses will never get old. Ever. Especially when they think this team will be in the playoffs.

Prime99 said...

Thanks, Ice. Taking a trip to the Chip induction ceremony with you was a sick, sick honor. Chip says he's still recovering which is why he set up that Riley Cooper video. He needed a distraction while he came to terms with the fact that he's in a frat with the BRAH's.

Tomlin would be nicer if he wasn't always trying to stab people with his silver sword. He should take care of zombie-Lovie SMIFF though.

GMoney said...

I don't want to complain or nothin', but I would have lost it if Zombie Lovie was throwing challenge flags at CUNT HQ.

Anonymous said...

As a response to your constant trolling of Indians fans I will be forced to Beth G to your wedding. Your move.


Brady said...

Sorry! Don't want to leave Prime out of my "compliment". Also, Prime has mentioned going camping with me no fewer than 100 times since I've returned from the northern woods of Michigan. He always attempts to joke about it but the shear volume of camping mentions leads me to believe he really wants to go.

GMoney said...

Jim and John aren't going to like the FACT that Indians fans are hijacking their recent exploits post. You won't like it if they take you into the woods.

The Iceman said...

You'll be the one makin sweet love to her back in the hotel room, Damman. Who's the big loser in all of this?

Don't go camping with Cakes, Prime. I'm sure it's nothing but hash and Tiesto dance parties.

The Iceman said...

I wasn't surprised that Greg Schiano was diving at everyone's knees in this post. But I am surprised that no one tried fighting him because of it. Especially Schwartz. I guess he was too busy doing his best Christian Bale American Psycho impression by jacking and flexing in the mirror.

GMoney said...

My question is: When will C.H.U.D. become a C.U.N.T.?

I have more questions. Is Marvin Lewis the butler? Where was Rex Ryan during this initiation? I feel like this is right in his wheel-of-cheesehouse. Was Shanny in the CUNT tanning bed? Why was Sean Payton not around for the pooing of Goodell?

This post was great and I understand that it would have been turned into a telenovela if all of my suggestions were utilized, but there was a lot of great source material left on the cutting room floor. I blame Prime. He just isn't well-versed enough in BRAHnese yet. YET.

The Iceman said...

We couldn't blow our C.U.N.T. load with the first post, G$. Like every great sitcome there needs to be a pilot episode first. This was the C.U.N.T. pilot. There will be plenty of time to introduce new characters in later volumes if the people want C.U.N.T. to continue. If things go well we'll be squeezing in our favorite current and former NFL coaches into future episodes.

The Iceman said...

I'm surprised Seal hasn't shown up today. He's a big BRAH supporter.

GMoney said...

I would give Drew's clitoris to see Wayne Fontes pop in at one of these CUNT meetings.

Prime99 said...


G$, we've left you wanting more, which is a great thing.

The Iceman said...

**Spoiler Alert**

One thing I can promise you is that Bill Cowher will show up at some point. Possibly Eric Mangini as well.