Thursday, August 08, 2013

Open Forum: That's Gotta Hurt

LOL Colt McCoy!
I don’t really have anything planned for today because I am working diligently on Iceman’s wedding post tomorrow. Not really; it is shaping up to be an ELITE mail-in post. I am, however, trying to avoid Ide like The Plague though as I am not very interested at all in the idea of traveling with him. Can you blame me?

Anyway, today’s topic is pretty simple and shows the world how big of a whore you are. I’m still pretty pumped about Hard Knocks returning and watching the Bengals do the Oklahoma Drill gave me a massive throbber. Man, that is just good football. It’s no Bull In The Ring (A Hum-Dog favorite!) but it’s close. BITR is almost a guarantee that someone is getting concussed. I mentioned it yesterday and I want to say it again: James Harrison is an absolutely terrifying man. He seems like the kind of guy that would live in a prison block for fun. I would never even consider looking at that man out of fear and a strong desire to not soil myself.

Hey! Remember when old BradyCakes refrained from giving the Indians Twitter pep talks (that did not work) to tell us all that he could run a 4.4 40 yard dash or whatever the number actually was? That was funny. Having met the Fuckeye, I think that we can all agree that this would never happen even if he was running a 20 yard dash.

I mention these two things for a few reasons:
1. Brady is a pussy.
2. We need to start getting into football mode again (less than a month!).
3. Today’s post!

So here is the scenario: You are a ball carrier. You only have to rush the ball once. You are wearing full pads. You have no blockers. James Harrison is trying to tackle/maim you. He is also wearing full pads. You are wearing a blindfold. Needless to say, he IS going to kill you.

*Do you think that you could take the hit?
*To sweeten the deal, what is the minimum amount of money you would accept to agree to this scenario?

For me, I don’t think that I could take the hit because I never liked getting hit. That is why I played the OL instead of HB (I had that option!). The leverage game was more enjoyable to me than absorbing body blows from Neanderthals. My guess is that I wouldn’t move for at least ten minutes and call for a priest. But I would take the punishment for a thousand bucks because it would be a hell of a story to tell whenever I get out of that Harrison-inspired coma. Along those same lines, here are a few more scenarios and the amount I would accept to take them on:

Aroldis Chapman 107 mph fastball to the ribs = 5 grand
Dwight Howard elbow to the face = fuck that guy, I’ll charge him 20 million
Zdeno Chara billion mph slap shot to the chest = 30 grand

So let’s go, tough guys and Cakes, are you man enough to take a hit from voluntary Oz resident, James Harrison?


Anonymous said...

I can take the hit.

Damman and can admit that Iceman was right and you were wrong about the AL Central anytime now. Remember you are also admitting this on August 8th... LOLZ! You guys are idiots.


GMoney said...

Ooof, you are a better man than I am then. Just kidding, you are not.

No one cares about the Indians/Tigers. Can we shift our focus to more pressing matters like how my team just got swept by the White Sox? WORLD SERIES!

MUDawgfan said...

I'd take the hit for two grand provided he doesn't get a running start.

The scenario has to be him in a three point stance, somebody yelling "hike hike" me running forward and then the hit.

The suspense would be terrifying, but you could take the hit.

Mr. Ace said...

Am I allowed to take a dive and do I know what direction he is coming from? Key components.

I would not take that fastball for 5k. Maybe in the thigh or ass, but not ribs.

Anonymous said...

I'd do it for a grand, easy. If it's just the two of us, i'll run in a straight line knowing he wont head to head me. Praying at least.

I assumed on our road trip (brah!) that the only laugh would be when we passed Coon's Candy.


Anonymous said...

Yeah it would all depend on how much of a running start Harrison got. A grand seems like a fair offer.

As for the tribe...oof. What a depressing three days this has been. Not much to say. They can't catch a break. The division is done. The wildcard is still in play but who knows how this team will react to this series.


GMoney said...

He gets a ten yard run at you. He's getting older so he won't be able to get up to top speed, but still a good kill speed.

You do not get to take a dive. You are just allowed to do a slow jog up to the line of scrimmage where he is waiting. You will not know the direction that he is coming but you absolutely WILL hear those footsteps (which will haunt your dreams forever).

I will say that head to heads are outlawed because Roger Goodell is super serial about concussions even in this murder scenario. But the entirety of your solar plexis will be crushed.

God dammit. Ide, Damman is driving and we're meeting somewhere off of 23 after 270 at around 10-10:15. Please don't come. Thanks!

Shooks Son said...

Ace: Maybe in the thigh or ass, but not ribs.

I'm listening...

GMoney said...

Maybe I'm not gay enough but how do you bang a thigh, SS?

Mr. Ace said...

I threw thigh in there solely foe the purpose if not having to add a "no homo" to the end of my comment. Maybe you could bend your knee back and bang the crease behind the I'm intrigued.

GMoney said...

Shook's Son just revolutionized gay coitus.

Prime99 said...

I would take a soccer slide tackle for $0.50. They'd miss and I'd act as if James Harrison had trucked me.

#predictionsdrewmade He could take the hit.

The Iceman said...

Shook's Son bringing gold today.

I would take the hit from Harrison. Not because I'm some hard ass and think I can, but just so I can say I did. And it would have to be at least a grand...maybe more. Because of this: On sports science they measured what a blindside hit on the quarterback is like. They determined that a QB getting his dick rocked on a blindside hit is the equivelant to getting into a head on car collision while both vehicles are traveling 25MPH or something like that. Whatever it was it sounded fucking awful. I imagine that Harrison hit would feel something like that.

Remember how Bernie Kosar's daughter does porn? LULZ.

Brady said...

I officially concede the division. If the Tribe had any fucking balls, we would be looking to take 3/4 tonight. THey had tons of chances to win yesterday and we all know what happened on Monday. As it stands now, I don't see any way the Tribe can get back in the divisional race. As Damman said, wildcard is still in play but this series has been devestating. I don't know what to expect after the Tigers leave town.

Browns game tonight!

Assuming I had to take the hit (because I could OBVZ get away with my ELITE speed otherwise), 5K would probably be enough.

Taking a fastball in the ribs would probably be about the same amount for me. That shit would hurt.

GMoney said...

Fuck the Browns for their first of three pre-emptions of Big Brother. Hey, speaking of which!

I'm going to come out and say it: this is the worst season that I've ever watched. Last night pushed me over the top. When someone (Amanda) is openly racist (come on, calling someone Shaniqua is just lazy), admits that she's being a racist, and still does not care...that's just horrible. Yet they will still send Candice home tonight who is literally doing nothing but standing up to one of the biggest bullies you will ever see. Let's run through the houseguests real quick at the halfway point:

Gay Buke - has done nothing but float and look like Buke
Judd - not a stud, is probably mentally retarded
Amanda - huge, racist bitch that is definitely a sociopath
Helen - fucking dork that gets excited over everything and wants to be everyone's BFF
Elissa - has done nothing
Spencer - has decent ideas but no one wants to work with him for some reason
GinaMarie - idiot
Aaryn - surprisingly playing better now that she has temporarily taken her Klan hood off
Jessie - I have no idea how it's possible to put on 40 pounds in the BB house but she's doing it
McCrae - he is FINALLY seeing that his little relationship isn't worth the drama but I doubt that he does anything about it
Candice - irrelevant

Christ, I hate saying this but Helen has played the best game BY FAR and she sucks.

GMoney said...

I'm surprised that Cakes didn't say that he would deliver the blow to a charging Harrison.

I can't even begin to imagine how much the hit from my scenario would fucking hurt. I would be on the PUP list for the rest of my life.

Prime99 said...

You know it's bad when a relatively attractive woman with big cans is going to get dumped by a pizza boy. She thinks she runs the house much Jeremy thought he ran the house.

GMoney said...

How about when she accused Pizza Boy of being the person running the house and bullying everyone! He is pretty smart but he has zero ability at influencing people.

Amanda is just so goddamn vindictive, spiteful, petty, and childish. HOW DARE YOU NOT USE THE VETO THAT YOU HAVEN'T WON YET ON ME!!!

I just don't get why the Judds, Gay Bukes, Jessies, Spencers, and racists haven't banded together yet to get rid of Amanda/McCrae/Helen and Elissa. They don't win anything but have had all the power for 6 straight weeks! Why are people afraid of busting that up? Why would anyone be afraid of them/their "wrath"?

I'll tell you one thing: if I were a houseguest this season, I would have knocked Amanda out last night.

Mr. Ace said...

Shut up big bro fags.

Anonymous said...

God that show is awful. Glad my buddy got knocked out quick. I'd hate it if I had to watch it. That said, Amanda was one of the one's I liked. Go her, or Aaryn. Anyone who is racist is ok in my book.

I realized that I will be travelling during the premier of Breaking Bad. This wedding better be worth it for me to have to spend time with my family, you rejects, and miss quality television.

Also, Iceman, I can't be bothered to care enough to look up where you are registered and buy you an appropriate gift of something you probably want or could use. However, it is suggested that whatever it is that I do buy, be opened in the privacy of the two of you. I'm assuming anal lube will be included. I dunno, I'll figure it out tomorrow when I go shopping.

I will put more thought into it than the ELITE gift of a fantasy football mag and a handle of cheap wine that I got G$. Looking back, I feel bad that I actually got that as a wedding present (thanks burke for the suggestion!) but, then I look at the recipient, and I feel all the more better.


GMoney said...

So now Nick is your buddy? I thought that you made it clear that you barely knew his loser brother.

Hey, ever since you bought me the mag and bottle, my fantasy fortunes have changed dramatically. Not having those items was holding me back. I have a feeling that Iceman would not be pissed off if someone got him a FF rag to read on a plane.

Wait a minute--there is the hook for tomorrow. You're all responsible for "getting" Ice and Wheelz something for their wedding. You can present it to them in the morning. NOT TODAY.

This season of Big Bro is like the final season of Jersey Shore. I have no idea why I'm watching it, I don't like any of the characters, and I hate myself when it is over.

GMoney said...

OK, tomorrow's post is done. You are all cordially invited to Iceman's Blogger Shower tomorrow. All you can eat ribs!

The Iceman said...

Lube would be useless, Ide since we already have boxes of that shit laying around the house. Perks of her having Michigan No Fault insurance at the time of the accident. I could make a lube swimming pool if I chose and still have hundreds of tubes to spare.

And I already purchased my own fantasy mag. Tradition doesn't die. I can't wait to see what you come up with. Something tells me it'll be a Tyler Perry movie.

Brady said...

Apparently Iceman is about to become a local celebrity. He gets a whole segment on 13 ABC news at 6:00 tonight. I propose having a caption contest with the best screen grabs from his brush with stardom.

GMoney said...

WTF? How about some context for this? Are the Douche Lord Olympics in town?

Brady said...

His future better half seems to be the focal point of this segement but Iceman will undoubtedly grab some air time. Since most of you are out of the Toledo area, I will attempt to either record/post or find the video online after it airs tonight.

The Iceman said...

Toledo news just knows greatness when they smell it. And I reek of greatness. It oozes out of me the same way patchouli flows out of Ace.

Apparently it's a big deal when a paralyzed girl gets married...and I have no problem hogging the spotlight. At first I thought it was a story of my promising NBA career derailed by my whiteness. Turns out I was wrong. It'll probably be the follow up story next week.

Anonymous said...

I could see the biting journalistic piece on that.

"Kept out of the NBA, which was his lifelong dream. Sources close to NBA recruiters said that due to his sub .300 Percentage from the 3 pt, it was a chance many of them were unwilling to take."


The Iceman said...

If Josh SMIFF has the green light from deep then I most certainly would too.