Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Johnny Fuck Face Strikes Back

No shirt.  No shoes.  No signature.
Do you all remember Iceman’s shockingly epic rant against Johnny Manziel from two weeks ago? In case you missed it, here is the link. You would think that a completely objectionable man-child would love an equally objectionable man-child but you would be gravely mistaken. That tirade came after Juan Futbol’s hilarious exploits at the Manning QB Camp. Thankfully, though, Big John Studd has provided the world with even more ammo to hate him for.

In between Riley Cooper throwing watermelons at his teammates and A-Rod hilariously saying that he wants baseball to be rid of PEDs, word broke that Manziel was in hot water yet again. The immaculate beard of ESPN’s TJ Quinn was on TV talking about how the NCAA (who are so worthless that they might as well work for Miami Metro PD) is looking into accusations that Johnny was selling his autographs at some sort of memorabilia show or something. This is, OBVZ, a big no-no as Fuckeye fans have come to realize because you can’t make a dime off of your name if you want to play college sports. The legality and stupidity of that rule is irrelevant at this point. The FACT is that it IS a rule and everyone knows that you have to follow it. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS.

So the story is that Manziel’s assistant (LOL) informed some shady promoter that he was not signing for free. He is rumored to have accepted five figures for his appearance. And now we wait to see if the NCAA can finally nail this pimply-faced douche bag to the wall for constantly being a pimply-faced douche bag. They won’t though. They are too incompetent. I assume that this was a cash transaction and the NCAA will never be able to follow the trail. Oh! I also assume that 100% of this story is true because of course a 20 year old diva would sell his signature. From what we know about this guy, it makes perfect sense for him to pull something like this even though he has all the money that he needs. It isn’t like our old buddy, TP, selling trinkets to keep the heat on back in Jeanette, PA (also very LOL). This is just some rich kid acting like the rules don’t apply to him which he has done an ELITE job of doing over the past 2-3 years.

I mean, has there been a better example of Cartman’s “Whateva, I do what I want!” than EVERYTHING that Manziel has done since becoming a college football player? The only logical excuse for his behavior is that he is an asshole who thinks that he is better and smarter than everyone else. What other explanation could there possibly be? And the best part is that he is going to get away with it. Sumlin won’t suspend him because there is no fucking way that he will do that. The NCAA won’t find anything because, again, they are awful at their jobs and they only target black kids not named Newton. The university doesn’t care because they are in Texas AND The SEC and they only care about football. Mom and Pop Manziel clearly don’t give a shit about their boy except for on Saturdays during the season.

He’s going to walk and we all know this. Complaining about it is pointless. Manziel is going to be out there for week one running all over the place. Idiots like me will have mostly forgotten about his ELITE Summer of Trolling because we like to watch him play football. But let it be known that I will be rooting against the Aggies every week now for the foreseeable future (Roll Damn Tide???). God, this kid is such a bratty cock.

Speaking of football in Texas, it is official. On Sunday October 13th, I will be inside JerryWorld for the ELITE Sunday Night Football game featuring the hated Dallas Cowboys and the GOAT Washington Redskins. I could not be more pumped. I will be stabbed by at least 45 Mexicans. Here’s the thing: the Texas State Fair is going on in Dallas that week and it is apparently a really big deal (fried butter, yo!). If you know anything about football (not looking at you, Ohio Buckeye fans), that means that the Red River Rivalry takes place at The Cotton Bowl on 10/12. The wife wants to go to this game as well ( was not expecting this reaction from her). Oklahoma/Texas AND Skins/Boys on back-to-back days? HOLY SHIT THAT WOULD BE ELITE! The only problem is that watching football in Texas is expensive and exclusive as fuck. We spent well over two hundo on Cowboys tickets and the cheapest Cotton Bowl tickets are over $200 A PIECE (on StubHub as it is already sold out). So my question to all of you is…do any of you people know some sort of connection/ticket wizard/big OU or Texas fan that could maybe hook a brotha up? I tried calling Good ‘Ol Jim Ross but he didn’t know who I was. What about Drew’s buddy Haider! Any advice would be appreciated. If I’m going to do a weekend of Texas football, I want to do it right.


Anonymous said...

Haider will get you tickets fockin'.

No way that Manziel misses a game.

Best story of the week in college football is the LSU player. LSU's got a player that is currently on probation for statutory rape. A couple weeks ago he punched the shit out of some dude and mocked the hell out of him while he was on the ground...this is all on tape. He got more probation from a judge that is a former LSU football player....and then Les Miles chose not to suspend him for a single game, because he LET THE TEAM VOTE ON WHETHER HE SHOULD BE PUNISHED. That's right...LSU discipline for off-the field incidents is supposedly team votes now.

Back to back starts with Verlander looking like the Verlander we all have grown to love over the years....ruh roh for the rest of bseball. #Windians


GMoney said...

Les Miles runs a tight ship. Only the finest toilet water is served.

If possible, I almost have to go to that game, don't I? As an American!

Nate said...

What happens to Manziel is going to rest on whether or not this broker shares his cell phone video with somebody other than JOE SCHAD.

If the NCAA gets their hands on that video, Manziel is toast.

Jeff said...

You should go hangout in Youngstown and try to get an in with the Stoops family. Then again that would mean you would have to go to Youngstown. Just roll the dice and scalp tickets the day of. They will be cheaper and both will probably have a loss by then. That would we been an ELITE weekend. I'm surprised you found tickets for less than $200 to the Reds vs. Cows game. They must be in the parking lot with an obstructed view of the jumbotron.

MUDawgfan said...

I hope Alabama beats the absolute snot out of Manziel.

G$ - any chance you feel cocksure enough to wait it out for those UT/OU tickets? Prices might drop if those shitbag teams drop a game or two.

Anonymous said...

This is how the Manziel situation will go. The NCAA will drag its feet for months until after the football season is over. By that time when they are ready to start calling people in, Manziel will have decided to go the NFL and will give a big middle finger to the NCAA and its investigation on his way out.

Clearly, though, this is the best strategy. If Cam Newton proved anything, it is that if you lie to the NCAA and stonewall it at every turn, you will avoid penalties. If you cooperate and try to expedite the investigation, you will have an example made of you. OSU cooperated, Auburn hired a high priced law firms (A&M has hired the same one). Which one worked (will work) out better?

-Lil' Strut

GMoney said...

That's what I was thinking. It might be better to wait and hope that one or both of those underachievers rack up a loss or two. But I'm quite anal about making sure that I have them in hand as soon as possible because I am awful.

Dude, Jerry Jones is an asshole. You can't even sit down in his stadium for less than a hundred. Standing Room Only tickets are even 60 bucks or so. RIDIC. Seal can get me second row tickets at The Factory of Sadness for fitty! Texas is the worst.

Joe Schad has access to all video. He will share with no one. If those vids don't show money changing hands, then it is going to be hard to prove anything. Good luck trying to track down $7500 from accounts/bankrolls that have millions and millions of dollars in them.

Unrelated but Hard Knocks was awesome last night. I can't believe that I like James Harrison. His hatred toward HBO was great. That Larry guy who broke his leg and dislocated his ankle was a tough watch. Felt horrible for that guy. After watching them, I get the feeling that the Bengals could be really good this year as long as Andy Dalton keeps progressing. They have a lot of really good players.

Grumpy said...

I've been telling you James Harrison is an awesome dude, regardless of what uniform he wears.

Video of what? A kid signing autographs? Unless they have video of money changing hands, he skates. His parents are smart enough not to leave a paper trail.

GMoney said...

Grump, he is not an "awesome dude" but his prickishness can be amusing.

My favorite part was the exchange between him and Jay Gruden about AJ Green:

Gruden: Please don't kill that motherfucker!

Pacman Jones running out of gas! LOL!

GMoney said...

OMG! Harrison Ford is going to be in Expendables 3. Indiana Jones, Rambo, AND Ivan Drago!!! If they get Carl Weathers, I'm going to lose it.

Jeff said...


Southern Tier PUMPKIN ale hit shelves yesterday at GE. A little early for fall beer, but it seems like every brewing company is doing now. All seasonal beers are released a season early I guess. And that shit should be on the shelves longer anyways.

The Iceman said...

Lets see how good of a dude Grumpy thinks Harrison is when he hits Raper so hard he has to relearn the alphabet. Harrison is an enormous piece of shit.

VACATION BITCHES! That's right...I'm taking the next like 12 days off or something because I'm ELITE as fuck.

Even though Cakes and Damman didn't take the bait on Twitter last night, it didn't make trolling them any less fun.

The Iceman said...

I don't know why everyone loses their shit over pumpkin beer. I'll say it. OVERRATED! That sound you just heard was all of the beer snobs nationwide uniting to defend the honor of pumpkin beer.

Jeff said...

*correction PumpKING

The shit is good, no denying that. Go back to being a candy snob you 3 year old.

GMoney said...

Anyone else find it funny that Iceman thinks that he is the only person on the planet that gets vacation time?

He probably bought one of those Johnny Football autographed helmets as I assume people of his low mental acumen would do something like that.

I think that the Stube has Christmas Ale already (or at least some bar locally does).

How does Grumpy not know some old timer in the deep south that has access to tickets? This seems like something he would be good at besides thinking that the Steelers will be any good this year.

Jeff said...

It just tastes better in limited release.

Think about it, how much better would a Reece Cup be if you could only get it during 2 months of the year. You would probably contemplate letting it melt and using it a fleshlight lube, that's how good!

GMoney said...

You would probably contemplate letting it melt and using it a fleshlight lube

That would be a HUGE mistake. I know from experience, dude.

Anonymous said...

G$ if Im not mistaken Jimmy Vs in Grandview always saved a keg of Great Lakes Christmas Ale for July.

On your ticket dilemma, I have two suggestions. A) check local Craigslist closish to gameday. You never know what might come up that they need to unload in a hurry. Probably heart problems. B) Wait until after kickoff and scalp. You can get the cheapest seats possible since they probably won't sell it if not to you. I got into OSU/USC this way for $60.


Grumpy said...

With his age, back and knee, Harrison will be on IR by Week 4.

Why would I have any connections in the deep South? I try to never cross the Ohio River.

The Iceman said...

Most places of business don't let employees take more than a week off at a time is what I was getting at, dildo. And I am. Because fuck work.

I get what you're saying Jeff. But what I'm saying is that pumpkin flavored beer isn't that good. I would even argue that it's not good at all. But lemme guess..."IM NOT DRINKING THE RIGHT ONE!!!" I promise that was your rebuttal.

Ace said...

Ice loves rumplemintzzz. Don't discuss booze with him.

Johnny isn't getting caught. The NCAA doesn't have access to anyones bank records cuz they r powerless.

GMoney said...

I don't really get why this broker went public anyway. What does he stand to gain? If you sell autographs for a living then you aren't really a moral person anyway. If you are willing to pay college kids to break NCAA rules, then it looks like you just stopped that gravy train in its tracks.

Most places of business, I assume, make exceptions for weddings/honeymoons. Mine did. I didn't brag about it though because it meant that I got married and that was a horrible decision (my wifes desire to watch Big 12 football aside).

Why would anyone buy pumpkin beer when Miller Lite is sold everywhere and is 90% cheaper. Tastes Great! Less Filling!

The Iceman said...

Ace has mistaken "likes" and "has drank before" when it comes to rumplemintz. I feel I've been pretty clear it's not my beverage of choice and is rather disgusting. But if someone buys a round and includes me in it, I won't turn my nose up to it like you apparently would. What would you do, Ace? I bet you would say... "Hey man. Thanks for the shot. But my civilized palate is far too sophisticated for the likes of rumplemintz. So while I appreciate the gesture, I must also decline. Go see if the bartender can pour it back in the bottle and give you your $4 back. If not then I guess you just wasted $4. The price of being my friend, I guess!!"

Me, on the other hand...since I love getting drunk and enjoy getting there as quickly as possible while spending the least amount of money possible...will nut up, thank them for the shot and drink it down like a man would.

Anonymous said...

Miller lite is the mt dew of beers & should only be for steeler fans. Pure white trash

Jeff said...

I love how Iceman apparently knows how every situation would play out with anyone, anywhere. You should be a hell of a gambler, which I'm sure you are not, seeing as how the highlights of your job are getting more than a week of vacation time at once!

GMoney said...

I know, anonymous Burke, I was j/k-ing.

Rumplemintz is a classy drink. You can tell because of the z at the end.

The Iceman said...

It's the benefits of being me, Jeff. You know pretty much everything!

The Iceman said...

Oh...and apparently Bernie Kosar's daughter is doing porn under the stage name Lexxi Silver. That's shocking because I just assumed anything with Kosar's DNA would live in a cave.

Prime99 said...

I don't see why autographs should be an issue. He's not giving the broker game used stuff or memorabilia. Just his dumb signature. I'm sure he's signed shit for a&m, but don't you dare go making money on your own!

That said, Johnny Football is a spoiled brat that will flame out. Does he sign his autograph as his birth name or his slave name?

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I read yours and Iceman's posts and laughed the whole way through! The way with words you have when writing insults is impeccable! I am still dying from "Juan Futbol." All in all, I enjoyed knowing that other people think this kid is a douche nozzle. I wish I had his talent. (I'm his age, and I'm level-headed!) When it comes down to it, as long as he acts like an asshat, I hope he sucks ass. But if he turns his dumb ass around and becomes a good guy, I would love to see him excel. It's a shame that he's all talent and no brains.