Friday, August 23, 2013

FFF: Ask The Expert/Ask The Basement

Uh oh...somebody learned how to use MS Paint.  Well, sort of.
As we wait for Commenter Jeff to be left at the altar tomorrow, we might as well get to the final installment of Fantasy Football Friday for the year. This is fucking long because Iceman can’t stop talking so I apologize in advance. He sucks. Anyway, today is Ask The Expert/Ask The Basement. The stereotypical guy who finishes last in your league will answer the first three questions. The true insight comes on the final three questions of the day. Enjoy:

1. Let's say that you miss out on one of the Big 6 Quarterbacks (Rodgers, Brees, Peyton, Brady [my feelings aside], Matt Ryan, and Weeden OBVZ). What is one QB that you would have no problem leading your squadron? Also, I have a feeling that Fat Stafford will have a nice bounce back year. I mean, he almost has to be better than what he was last season. Thoughts?

There are a couple guys I think have the sturdy haunches to lead Team Iceman. First guy who comes to mind is our west coast pal and known sex slave to Colin T. Cowfucker, Rusty Wilson. Russ Dubs just feels like a guy who gets it. He's smart, elusive, knows when to slide or get the fuck out of bounds, dates white girls and probably drinks club soda. Plus I would bet the house that Ol' Dubs has never seen the inside of a strip club. Route trees get him hard and that's what I want out of my QB. I know Seattle is dedicated to feeding the pill to Dreadlock McSkittles until he does something stupid to get arrested again...but Rusty found a way to be a top 15 fantasy QB last year as a rookie despite the same philosophy. I think Dubbles takes a huge leap forward this year.

Second worthy QB for team Iceman is Andrew Luck. I don't care if he sounds like Fozzy Bear. Dude is a stud. Listen...I realize the Colts won't be throwing a fucking billion times again this year. But I bet they still throw it a half a billion. And let's not kid ourselves when it comes to Indy's running game...Vick Ballard and Ahmad Bradshaw's pussy aren't scaring anyone. This is a passing team. Period. They may not go vertical as much this year but isn't the intermediate game what made everyone drag their dicks through a sea of barbed wire for a chance to watch Luck spin a few balls while at Stanford? Fantasy experts are down on Luck this year...I disagree. G$ retort: Apparently he has no thoughts on the Detroit Double Chin.

2. Actual positional draft strategy seems to be getting more muddled every year. For a long time, all of the experts wanted you to go RB/RB in the first two rounds. That shifted to a "best player available" theory recently. I've tried it both ways and haven't really noticed much of a difference. Now it seems like RB/RB is back in style again what with QBs and receivers being very deep. What are your thoughts on draft strategy? I used to hate the double RB move but then I had to start Vick Ballard for most of last year and told myself NEVER AGAIN.

My strategy doesn't change from year to year. The minute you start trying to get cute, you end up fucking yourself. I'm always looking to get the two bell cow backs I know will be getting at least 20 carries a game with my first two picks. When you have double warthogs to roll out at RB every week to fuckin snort and fuss up and down the field, it's definitely an advantage.

Even if that means taking a guy "experts" say should be a 3rd or 4th round guy early, I'll do it. Especially if I'm picking 11th or 12th since by the time I pick in the 3rd round, the best RB available will be some useless twat rag like Ryan Mathews' bloody tampon. I would rather "reach" for Stevan Ridley in the 2nd round then roll out Benjarvis Green-Ellis every week while holding a fucking gun to my head. And here's why:

If I'm picking 11th or 12th, chances are I'll have something like Matt Forte and Chris Johnson with my first two grabs. Even if I'm stuck in the middle at 6, I'm anticipating something like Ray Rice and Steven Jackson. No matter what, I'll be getting two guys I know will be getting 20 plus carries a game. With my next three picks I can snag a top 10 QB and two top 20 WRs since everyone else will be fighting over the corpse of Darren Sproles or DeAngelo Williams at that point. It also helps when QB and WR are deeper than Ide's butthole.

3. With the last question in mind and now that teams annoyingly use two backs, give me a couple of handcuff guys that could easily be massive point producers later in the season due to being better or taking advantage of injury or poor play?

Whoever is backing up Ahmad Bradshaw is a must own. I swear he's Sam Jackson's Mr. Glass character from Unbreakable. He's on the Mount Rushmore of running back pussies and Vick Ballard is a must own because of that. Darren Sproles may be a mildly effective, slippery little shit but the Saints drafted Mark Ingram in the 1st round for a reason. If they ever had any intentions of making Ingram more than just a pain in the ass to fantasy owners, now is the time. At some point Brees won't be able to throw 70 passes a game and New Orleans will need a reliable pig lurking back there to chew up yards and even things out. Ingram is that guy and I would draft him over Sproles this year.

Another guy who will be no doubt be hurt that you can set your fucking watch to is Darren McFadden. I would rather drink a bum's piss than have McPussy on any of my rosters from this point forward. Grab his backup two rounds earlier than you normally would since whoever it is (Marcel Reese??) is sure to be a hot pick on draft day.

Finally, I will be drafting Alfred Morris' backup in every league. Only because Shanahan is a known fantasy hater and an even bigger dick munch. I can TOTES see Shanny pulling a fuckhead move and throwing some Division II practice squad player into the starting role a week before the season starts just because. Much like my farts after a heavy night of boozing, I just don't trust Shanahan. G$’s retort: This was a lay-up that he completely air-balled. The correct answers are Bryce Brown, Gio Bernard, and Bernard Pierce. Let Iceman have the backup Raiders RB. LOL!

1. So most people (me) wait until the last 2 rounds to draft a defense and a kicker. I just don't see the merit in drafting those positions any earlier. At what point in the draft do you usually find yourself taking those pointless positions and why? Subquestion: How do you feel about people who draft backup kickers and defenses?

I tend to agree with that although there are a few caveats. Any team with Alex Smith at QB is going to be settling for a lot of field goals. You know that going in. And any decent defense in the AFC East and AFC West is going to play a LOT of shitty offenses so sometimes it may make sense to draft one of these a little earlier than usual.

As far as a second defense and kicker, it depends on your league settings. In the G$FL, I only allow ten waiver pick-ups all season (as a reward for those who draft well). You don’t really want to blow two of your pick-ups on a bye week defense and kicker. I think I took a second kicker this year who will be cut when my defense is on a bye. But if you play in a league with unlimited moves then you would be a dipshit to waste a roster space on a second specialist.

I’ve also started to roll with a solo QB of late in the unlimited move leagues. Why carry a back-up to Brees/Rodgers/etc. that will probably cost you 5-10 bucks? That money could be better used elsewhere. And if your stud QB does get hurt, you’re fucked anyway.

2. What do you make of Jay Catler's fantasy value this year? It appears the nation is divided down the middle. Half think he's a cunt mouthed whiney bitch who is what he is at this point. A bitchy Brett Favre. Others think he's poised for a breakout year and will finally put it together. Choose a side and are you even considering him as an option this year?

The Cat has been in the league too long to have a “breakout” year. It would be a breakout year if he played all 16 games. He is in a contract year though and that is intriguing. But not that intriguing. If you are weighing the potential merits of Jay Cutler on your fantasy team then you have already lost. I think that we see more of the same: wild inconsistency and a lot him scraping himself off the turf. I LOVE him as a person though!

3. Do you have any guys you will not draft no matter the value? For example, I know I constantly say I'll never draft Darren McFadden ever again and would rather do the unspeakable before rostering that crotch bag.'s even in my answers below. But it would be hard for me to pass on him if he's still there in the 4th or 5th round. I would hope cooler heads would prevail and I wouldn't but at that point my addiction could take over and blind me from the truth. Who is your Darren McFadden? And do you think you could avoid the temptation even if the value was insane?

I thought about this for a long time and I honestly can’t think of anyone that I would never draft. Everyone has value somewhere. You would think with my reputation for revenge that that would not be the case, but it is. I was burned by Brady the year after he dumped 50 touchdowns. I set a league record on him and spent EIGHTY BUCKS on him for one quarter. I finished dead last that year. Yet I’ve re-drafted him a handful of times since but he always disappoints because he never gives ME 50 touchdown passes. Jerk.

At some point in every draft, even Ryan Mathews would make sense. I’m serious! I try not to hold too much of a grudge BUT I will probably never own Steven Jackson again. So I guess I do have my McFadden. By the way, I don’t know exactly how long he’s been in the NFL, but I have never once had Adrian Peterson. That makes me sad.

If YOU have any questions for ME (I know that you wouldn’t ask the future guest on The View), feel free to put them in the comments and I will do my best to justify what you already plan on doing anyway. I’ve got my first auction draft back in Naptown (home of The Bat Rack!) tomorrow. You all know that that is where I shine like paint, daddy, it’s our summer (Big Tymers reference, bro!). It’s also the official start of morning drinking season for me. I love morning drinking. As you all know, next week is the annual College Football Preview Week here which means that Ice and I will be taking the week off and turning the reigns over to…well…me but the readers give the bulk of the action. I’m off from creating original content here until 9/4. VACATION BRAH!


GMoney said...

You know, a lesser man might point out that the Patriots offense looked like hot garbage last night against that awful Lions Defense. A lesser man would do that. I will not.

GMoney said...

It appears as though everyone's questions have been answered. That is the only explanation. JOB WELL DONE, ME!!!

Anonymous said...

They just know better than to axe you anything.

Stephen Ridley was just mentioned in this blog as going in the first or top of the second round. Credibility just got anally raped and facialled behind the shed.


Prime99 said...

I have Alfred Morris in two leagues- how fucked am I?

I tried my best to NOT get Colin Kaepernick, but felt he was the best QB in the sixth round. I'm torn on how this will work out.

Iceman made fun of me for drafting "too many Bears" with Forte, handcuff Bush, and back up Cutler (2 of 3 should never play besides Kaep's bye.) I do my best to not homer drafts but you also can't be dumb and not draft any players on your favorite team and lose value. Unless you're a Browns fan, OBVS.

The Iceman said...

I will not apologize for being thorough. My analysis is ELITE.

For the record...I do think TubTits Stafford will have a bounceback year. Around 4,500 yards and 25-30 TDs. It would be nearly impossible for him not to with Megatron and an actual decent pass catching back now.

That's a solid facial you gave yourself in that picture, G$. Nice touch with Ide's broach.

What's wrong with Ridley at the top of the 2nd, Ide? Would you rather "reach" for Ridley at the top of 2 or be forced to start Rashard Mendenhall every week since that's gonna be the best available RB at the bottom of 3 (pick 36)? Ridley put up #1 RB stats last year and there is no reason to suggest he can't at least duplicate those numbers pending an injury.

GMoney said...

You're fine with AlfMo. No professional athlete with an ELITE '91 Mazda could steer you wrong.

Well, Jaws thinks that Kaep could be the greatest QB ever because he is clearly good at his job.

You took Forte in the first round. That's inexcusable. And you did it on a hunch. You are probably the only person in the country to draft Forte in the top ten of a non-PPR league.

Ide, I think that Ridley is fine. He was the only Pat not to turn the ball over last night! He scores a lot, too.

GMoney said...

I was thinking more "family crest" than broach. It's not a facial at all. You must misremember that I showed up to your wedding in blackface. It was a real hoot.

I need to improve on my "monster dick drawings".

Prime99 said...

It's a .5 PPR league. So yeah, I did it. Forte could've been my second round pick as I drafted 10 & 11.

GMoney said...

Even though it makes no difference, Forte as the first pick of the second round makes way more sense than the last pick in the first. I don't even want to know what superior backs you passed on to be a huge homer with a Bears boner.

Prime99 said...

Well, Ridley was one of them.

The Iceman said...

I don't think it was that out of line to draft Forte round one...depending of course who was still out there at the time. Assuming AP, Martin, Spiller, Lynch, Rice, Foster, Charles, McCoy are all off the board; Forte is in the same class of the next tier of backs. He's no more of a risk than Richardson, Morris, MJD and Chris Johnson. As much as I would love to kill Prime on taking Forte 10th overall, I don't think it's that insane...of course assuming that the top 8 RBs were already gone.

Prime99 said...

They were.

Anonymous said...

You guys seem to be going balls deep on this RB/RB nonsense. It's shit. Auction drafts are one thing, but on a snake draft, a top tier QB is much better.

Only 7 RB's had over over 10 TD's last year, and the highest was 15 (not counting fatty Turner). This displacement between top tier and second tier with QB's is a much bigger gap than RB's.

FACT: 4/6 (5 if you count Vick as ELITE 2 years ago (DREAM TEAM)) G$FL champs had top tier QB's.

FACT: G$ is awful at snake drafts.

FACT: Much like a girlfriend from the Niagra area, no one has seen Iceman dominate fantasy leagues like his wedding program lies about.

FACT: AlfMo is the Truf.


Prime99 said...

FACT: I won a league 3 years ago while starting the Sex Cannon in the championship.

Jeff said...

Thank you for the wedding blessing, I will be wearing running shoes just in case

GMoney said...

FACT: My lone G$FL title was won by Chris Simms.

If you go after a big dog QB in the first then the rest of your roster will be lacking. But if you load up on studs early, there will be a pretty damn good arm around after a few rounds.

It's not foolproof obviously, but it makes sense in today's pass-happy league. Grabbing up the good RBs just makes the most sense. Unless you draft CJ Spiller early which is dumb and gay.

GMoney said...

By the way, T-Bell got rid of my go-to chicken burrito and replaced it with the shredded chicken burrito. For $1.49, you can't ask for better flavor. HUGE upgrade.

Anonymous said...

Yes, they did. I broke a way too long sabbatical at T-Bell for lunch today. They did have a spicy dorito taco, which wasn't bad. And instead of my chicken burrito, I went with that spicy Frito beef burrito, which was tits.

Also, no chili cheese burrito, fucking commies.


GMoney said...

FACT: Greg Schiano is giving all of his players staph on purpose for not playing through the final whistle. Did they open a Cleveland Clinic in Tampa because that doesn't make much sense?

The Iceman said...

Ide. You seem to be forgetting that in most fantasy formats you start one QB. There are about 10 worthy weekly starting fantasy QBs out there and you could even make a case for 15. Which means that as long as you draft a QB anywhere in the first 6 rounds you'll get one that will finish in the top 15 in fantasy points.

Whereas most fantasy leagues have 2 starting RB positions every week. There are 32 starting RBs in the league but only about 10-15 of those who are considered "feature" backs. So. If there are only about 15 guys available for 24 starting roster spots league wide, why wouldn't you make that position a priority?

Would you rather start Aaron Roders, DeMarco Murray and DeAngelo Williams? Or Matt Ryan Matt Forte and Chris Johnson? It's not hard to see which trio is going to get you more points.

Anonymous said...

Heh, Rodgers, Murray, Williams all day long, because fuck CP2YPC, and Forte will be out by week 3. Rodgers will have more points by week 10 than those two will have all year. But I do see your point. I went with Peyton/AlfMo. I'm not saying RB isn't a priority, it is. But getting two immediately is certainly not a great strategy.

I'd rather have Peyton/AlfMo/Montee Ball (my current setup) over Ryan/Forte/Johnson.


The Iceman said...

There's no doubt it's very nice knowing that you can expect 25 out of your starting QB every week. But I would much rather know that both my starting RBs will be touching the rock 20 times each week rather than having one guy who does and another guy who needs to give his coach secret blowjobs to see more than 10 carries that week. I can't express how frustrating it is being forced to start a very fringe RB2 like Daryl Richardson every single week. I'll take a 5-10 ranked QB in round 3 or 4 to ensure RB is something I don't have to fuck with every week.

The Iceman said...

And Montee Ball isn't even listed as the starter right good call on that one. Plus he has to fight 2 other guys for carries in a passing offense. Let me know at the end of the year if you're still proud of that setup. That looks like a fucking testicle ache waiting to happen.

Anonymous said...

What the fuck is a "feature" back? I only know factor backs.

/shits pants due to 1000 concussions

--Merrill Hoge

GMoney said...

Also, since no one else has hopped on the trolley, morning drinking is still the best. Those alcoholics know the score!

Prime99 said...

Did Ide just brag about a QB/RB combo that is not Brees and Sproles? Good luck with all that, One Direction.

GMoney said...

He must have thought that the G$FL was a 2011 Big Ten Fantasy Football League. That is the ONLY reason to be excited for over-drafting Montaaaaaaaay Ball.

Anonymous said...

He is absolutely the worst champion in G$FL history. Not even close. If Ide makes the playoffs again this year, 6 of you should be extremely embarrassed & contemplate whether playing fantasy football is really something you should do going forward.
Ide sucks