Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Enjoy Your Lifetime of Shame, Bro

Classy broad!
As many of us are still trying to wake up from yesterday’s grunge coma, I feel the need to take you all on a stroll down Memory/Champions Lane yet again. The year is…I don’t know…5 years ago or so. Commenter Burke is still living the high life in central Ohio and taking advantage of his connections at Muirfield during The Memorial. If I recall, he used to go to the course almost every day and would get an ELITE sunburn instantly. Anyway, at one point, Tiger and Ernie Els (paired up) are teeing off at some hole and Burke is standing next to the tee box. Ernie rips his tee shot and Burke yells “COME HERE GIRL”. If you are unaware of this phrase, it was created and perfected by K-Dog and best pronounced/screamed “CUMEEERGRRRRL”. It is never not funny. It is still used to this day. Hell, it was used in Toledo on Saturday afternoon.

I shit you not, this primal scream made Tiger chuckle. I know this because I saw it on The Golf Channel. This was before he was discovered to be an ELITE pussy hound—back when he was a robot only fixated on winning. If “COME HERE GIRL” is able to break Tiger, is there anything that it can’t do? Unfortunately, every dipshit on the planet has been trying to top “COME HERE GIRL” on a weekly basis ever since and they have all been unsuccessful. This was never more evident than this past weekend at the PGA Championship where every brain-dead New Yorker (all of them) tried to make a funny on seemingly every backswing from every golfer.

I hate Ian Poulter (and to a lesser extent Lee Chokewood) but he’s right. All of those assholes who yell “get in the hole” or “mashed potatoes” or even the guy that mouth-farted out an “ICEMAN” should be tazed. It has nothing to do with golf being prim and proper and only for elitist assholes though. It has everything to do with that NOT BEING FUNNY. It isn’t clever. You aren’t an originator. It pisses people off when some piss-ass rural New Yorker (congrats on being pointless, Bills fan!) tries to put the spotlight on him by yelling YOU DA MAN. He may be, sir, but you definitely are not. Yelling random shit post-swing was always annoying but this weekend it truly jumped the shark forever. Golf used to be a gentleman’s game for the Shooter McGavins of the world. Now it seems to be nothing but supporters of Happy Gilmore. Which means that, pretty soon, we’re going to see two big fat bikers having sex out in the woods behind the 16th green at Augusta. YES!

We peaked at COME HERE GIRL. We hit rock bottom this past weekend. Sports fans are the absolute worst. Leave the comedy bits for funny people like me.

On the contrary though, big ups to that SF Giants fan who threw a banana at the Orioles Adam “Not Pacman” Jones over the weekend. You don’t see quality racism like that anymore! That’s some Jackie Robinson-type stuff. The guy said that he lobbed that fruit at the opposing team’s CF because he was upset at how the Giants were playing. This might be the laziest excuse ever. You wouldn’t think that something like this would happen in a place as pussified as San Francisco but blatant racism TRANSCENDS all cities, I guess.

So the gist of today’s garbage is to bitch about stupid fan behavior. We all know that “the wave” is annoying but I also find the 7th Inning Stretch at Wrigley to be equally stupid. Every time I hear it I just want to throw a pot of collard greens at my TV. Count it. COME HERE GIRL!

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Whatever makes golfers unhappy, I'm all for. They need to stop being such bitches about shit.

--Drew

Nate said...

If Homage made a "Come Here Girl!" shirt, I'd buy it.

KP is the best.

GMoney said...

Nate, that is the greatest idea ever. I saw a Bengal on Hard Knocks last night wearing a "Rated Rookie" t-shirt in the style of what they put on those old Donruss baseball cards. I must have that, too.

Grumpy said...

If a guy can concentrate on a 100 mph fastball coming at his head while the fans are yelling and screaming, I don't see why tennis players and golfers can't do the same.

MuDawgfan said...

My wife got free tickets to the Western/Southern tennis tournament in Mason this week and we went Monday evening.

Saw Venus Williams beat Jana Cepelova and had a genuinely entertaining night.

Long story short, Tennis is absurd like Golf in that they have everyone freeze and be silent until the players take a break.

So we're sitting in one of the sections and it's fairly quiet. Guy two rows back who is dicking around on his phone starts chuckling to himself and they says (in normal room volume) "heh, Penis Williams....classic"

It's such an uptight and formal crowd that all of the men around him starting laughing and all the women were glaring at us.


In conclusion, dick jokes are great and I would go back to the Tennis Tournament, only if I got free tickets.

Anonymous said...

I could be mistaken but I believe Burke yelled "You da man" in his "Cmmmhrrgrrll" voice. He may need to confirm this but I'm 98% sure this is how it went down.

-Damman

GMoney said...

What? No! That ruins everything! I will give him the benefit of the doubt though because K-Dogging Ernie and Tiger is way better than being a sheep.

Hell, I'm laughing about Penis Williams. You should have thrown a banana at her. You know, because you're upset about Dan Uggla's laser eye surgery.

Nate said...

Sometimes it's best to not let facts get in the way of a good story.

Some of the best stories I remember from the past were the result of the truth being bent to an incredible degree, or never happened in the first place. FINGER ROLL

GMoney said...

There is no doubt that The Finger Roll is the greatest urban legend in the history of the world. Unfortunately, I already told that story here a while back. I wish that I could write about it every day.

Nate said...

Burke's got some good ones. I recall a story about something that happened at his high school graduation party hosted at his mom's house.

Something along the lines of opening his bathroom door and walking in on some "horseplay".

Prime99 said...

I assume after the COME HERE GIRL incident, Buke then tried to get Shooter McGavin to go with him to a Red Lobster.

Brady said...

"Come Here Girl" made me LOL and I'm not sure why. That is something I wouldn't mind hearing over and over at a golf tournament. The rest who shout "Get in da hole" and "Mashed Potatoes" can eat a dick. I really hope that story is true.

Jeff said...

BABA BOOEY!!!!!!!

GMoney said...

Speaking of Baba Booey, FUCK HOWARD STERN. That dude blows. Way to sell out to fucking America's Got Talent, you asshole.

GMoney said...

Cakes, you need to hear it in context to appreciate its greatness. Nothing beats driving by a girl walking on the sidewalk and screaming "CUMEEERGRRRRRL" out the window at her. Even CUMEEEERGUYYY works for a good laugh.

Jeff said...

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/robert-griffin-iii-gay-players-should-come-out-now-081413

RG3 wants players to join him in coming out!

GMoney said...

Go back to your Milledgeville, GA mens room, troll!

Prime99 said...

CUMEERGUY is RG3's preference when choosing which to use.

Jeff said...

What happens in a Milledgeville bathroom, stays in a Milledgeville bathroom. Unless, of course, nothing happens. Then sexual assault happens.

GMoney said...

So is Burke not going to pop in today to tell the truth? COME HERE GIRL it is then!!!

Brady said...

Now Iceman is on CNN? Somebody stop the madness.

GMoney said...

Why are they broadcasting Anderson Cooper receiving a rusty trombone?

I've got a HUGE problem with him doing all of this media and not once dropping the URL for this site!

The Iceman said...

We want to keep this our own little corner don't we? Plus everyone here should be embarrassed of what this site is.